If anyone knows me AT ALL they know that THIS is my song at karaoke. My best friend and I were supposed to go to Beale Street music festival. She had gotten us tickets and everything. I couldn’t have afforded to go otherwise. Its all I have been looking forward to the past few weeks because with my aunt dying, my ex ignoring even the text tell him she had passed, stress from finances, stress from work, loneliness, etc, I haven’t had much else to look forward to. I was going to get to see the karaoke “Ironic” singer herself and my favorite band of all time. Third Eye Blind. For people like me who are really sick sometimes all it takes is just one thing to keep us going. I no longer have that. Not that it would have mattered much longer because it will be over soon. Irony is a bitch because I need this concert now more than ever. But life has a funny funny way of working out just the way we need it to.
Life has been very ironic to me lately and very literal. I can’t seem to get over it. I’ll give you an example that is a little to spot on to what my everyday life is like.
So I’m on “E” but I am already running late to a Drs appointment 20min away and I have work afterwards so I have got to be on time. So I am praying literally the whole way there “God please let me make it to the Dr without running out gas, God please just let me make it to the Dr.” I didn’t have time to stop on the way but luckily I made it! I ran up to my Drs appointment only to find out I was a day early! I busted out crying saying how I drove 20 min away on E and that I had to be seen because I was very sick. I had started to aspirate in my sleep at this time. I was already over this morning. This meant I would be late to work which is a huge no no. Especially for me. I went to my car to charge my phone. As soon as I cranked my car to charge my phone it died. As in ran out of gas. I lost it. After calling dear friend and finding the humor in the fact that God quite literally answered my prayer I was okay. Still sucked but I was okay. I sat there nearly 4 hours including waiting on the Dr and gas to think about my mistakes and the grace God had given me. I deal with things of this nature on a daily basis. Its just my luck, its just my life.
And here is Murphy’s law
This week has been Cray Cray. Like crazy. I almost thought I was going to lose my job. One of the only things I wake up everyday for. All because I’m sick and I didn’t’ know how to ask for sick leave. Luckily I have a therapist who really cares and saw if she didn’t do something it wasn’t going to be good. I can’t say I don’t have people that care about me because that just not true. I know I do. Just because one person won’t acknowledge I exist doesn’t mean I don’t matter. Anywho IOP was SUPPOSED to start on Wednesday but I had to start it on Friday. It went okay. Apparently I’m a pro at DBT, which clearly you can know the skills but still not be good at them. Or else I wouldn’t need IOP. I feel like every time I get overwhelmed or stressed or both I go into an episode. Up until I was given the green light to take a couple of weeks off every moment of every day felt like a disassociation. I wasn’t me because I wasn’t there. I was some where else trying to avoid reality. So aside from starting IOP what else did I do instead of going to a concert that was keeping me going:
I cleaned and organized the LuLaRoom
I deep cleaned my couch (much needed y’all, much needed)
I started folding and putting away the immense amount of laundry I have YET to put up since moving
I planned a super sweet, stay at home cook, eat under the stars, listen to records, and canoe the blackwater river third/fourth date.
I wrote a letter to the founder of the company that I represent thanking them for saving my life and seeing what else they can do to assist me. It took courage but I told my story.
And I wrote this blog entry
Life isn’t perfect but I made the most of a super shitty situation. I had a great day. It was amazing on the river. Its Ironic how much, we shall call him for blog sake Professor Lupin (it was Walter White but the more I got to know about him he’s totally Lupin) we have in common. Yet how different we are. Right now we are just friends and I’d say dating as friends and maybe we will see what happens. Either way I’m happy to have a new friend and someone to go canoeing with. Its hard to meet someone and have to tell them right off the bat “oh by the way I’m unpacking some baggage lol
what a puuurfect day
One of the saddest things for me this weekend was not seeing my best friend and seeing third eye blind. So I’ll close with one of my favorite songs by them.
“Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”
Frank Herbert, Dune (Dune #1)
Change is something inevitable in life. Change is something I crave and at the same exact time run far away from. I wouldn’t like a life without some spice added to it, (no Dune pun intended there). My daycare is changing, my writing is moving forward, my passions are progressing. I am growing. I am becoming the woman I am meant to be. That is exciting. This blog is meant to catalog all those adventures. Dating, my writing, my career and school paths, the road blocks I may encounter and how I’ll overcome them. I may share past stories with you and things I’ve learned from my mistakes. Here is a short but sweet introduction to the start of a new life for me in just two weeks, then two months, then who knows from there. Life is an adventure. Let the sleeper in you awaken. Stay tuned as I work on “Escape from Palofax”, “Career Goals”, and just in general work on getting used to the lay out of WordPress itself lol so please excuse the messiness of it while I do so. I do think however it will benefit me in the long run both career and growth wise.
I have the option to move in a few months to help with my finical issues and I’m really torn because theres a part of me that begs to go and a part of me that begs to stay.
I would like to rule the world. I can’t do that here. I can’t do that “there”. I am flat broke. I know what it feels like to hit rock bottom. And not because I have a drug problem, or because I gamble, or because I drink but simply because I got in debt trying to run two business’ and then I moved to get away from things in Navarre and cost of living is hard and so is catching up on debt. Auto draft is a bitch. And my dumb ass doesn’t know how to undo it. Some bills just HAVE to get paid. I used to make pros and cons list and I’ll do that with you right now. Lets DO THIS!!!
PROS to Moving
Cheaper cost of living in MS
I’ll be around friends I’ve missed for a very long time
New, fresh opportunities
No one to steal my stuff
CONS to MOVING IF I can’t find a roommate
Well I JUST got settled in so it would be a pain to have to move AGAIN
I’ll have to leave the new friends I just made
I have an amazing Dr and support system here that I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE
I REALLY do like it here
Like life always is theres this catch 22. Damed if I do damned if I don’t. As of now I don’t know that I’m going to have rent for June. I have to fine extra income. Other than LuLaRoe because clearly thats not cutting the mustard. I am a problem solver. I am about two weeks to figure this out. Really less. Do you think I can do it? Will I face up to the challenge? Can I find someone I trust? Can I find another job here or have one lined up in Columbus? What will I do?!?
“The value of things is not the time they last, but the intensity with which they occur. That is why there are unforgettable moments and unique people!” – Fernando Pessao
It’s not WHAT we have but WHO we have. I RECENTLY had a lot stolen from me. Stuff that meant A LOT. I can’t get it back. It’s probably already been pawned. The lesson I took away is they can’t take away the people that mean the world to mean and I mean the world to. They can’t take memories away from me. They can take all the things. But they can’t take ME. Bring it!
All our values are different. As they should be. We are all different. I took a values text one time and found my “Core values”. I’ll share them with you.
Loyalty- Loyalty is really important me. I have a huge irrational fear of abandonment and in some cases not so irrational. I am a very loyal person so I value loyalty above all else.
Family- Family is very important to me. I love my dysfunctional family. I wouldn’t trade them for anything and I would always have their back honestly. I’ve been in some fishy situations growing up and didn’t handle them well and learned from them. Family should always be on your values list no matter how much you don’t get along. You only have one.
Spirituality- my faith is super important to me. I now go to two churches and I love it! I will continue my path toward God and my path towards light and love. I hope to spread any good news I can and inspire others to do good. Thats all I hope. I’m not trying to be preachy.
Creativity- and finally my passion. I value creative outlets and creative time. I enjoy nature and art in all forms. Beaty is Beaty. Growth is growth. Life is life. and its painful and amazing all at the same time. Yes creativity is on my values list.
Google values workbook. There is a free downloable workbook to work through to find your core values. Its super fun and easy. Its worth it. Yes does it suck losing my grandmothers necklace and a necklace my deceased high school sweet heart gave to me? You bet! But I have memories. And NO ONE can take that. Figure out whats important to you. While you’re doing that listen to this….
You know I have to be silly at first. Love is silly. Or the good kind is. Love is a lot of things. Love can be on a scale from silly to down right painful. Its true. I have been on both ends of the spectrum with one person and it sucks. The love though that God intended for us though doesn’t include the pain that we feel. Thats how you know it wasn’t the love that God had intended for you. I guess thats the only way to find peace with it. There is pain in non romantic love. What about the loss of a loved one? Well aren’t we supposed to be happy they have moved on? And gotten out of this shithole a little bit sooner? What about the pain when you love someone who is making bad decisions? That is still good love. Although it hurts us to see them messing up. What isn’t good is loving someone who doesn’t love you back. Or loving someone who causes you pain. Emotionally or physically.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
That is the Christian God’s take on Love. And honestly it holds pretty true.
Everyone deserves a shot at love. Even those who have hurt us. Give all the love you can because one day, one day it will come back to you. I have to believe that. Its what keeps me loving the way that I do. I will love you for the soul that you are, faults and all. I will never abandon you, I will support you, I will always have your back, and you can always count on me to do anything in my power when you are having problems to fix them. I love with my whole heart and soul. And once I’ve loved you I always will, even if you hurt me. I still love my ex, and always will. Its a different love. Its an “I wish you all the best in the world and I wouldn’t want any less for you” kind of love. I miss his family so much. That love is defiantly still there. When you are with someone for nearly 5 years their family becomes yours too. Should I wish his mom a happy mothers day? Is that weird? Probably. But thats something I would do. Not to be weird but to just be like “hey thinking about you hope you have a happy mothers day”. I have no idea.
Love is boundless and endless. Merriam Webster describes love as follows:
Definition of love
1a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
maternal love for a child
(2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
After all these years, they are still very much in love.
(3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
I got to meet Neil Young when I was 20 and worked at The Caboose in McComb, MS. I was the cute hostess and he was there eating. It was a very fancy restaurant and he was on his way to Houston. I’ll never forget that moment. I met a legend. And didn’t know it until the last minute. Every time I hear this song I think of myself and maybe thats vain but I feel I have a heart of Gold and at the same time I’m looking for someone who has the same. I want someone who would value meeting a legend the same way I do. I’m getting off topic here just a tad bit but I wanted to write about today is having a heart of gold and what that means and how you can use it for good but not let people take advantage of you like I had happen today. Let me explain:
I’m not the kind of person that can just look away from a homeless person. The vast majority of homeless people are mentally ill and are on the streets because they cannot afford the help they need plus rent. Times are hard you guys. I know that first hand. I’ve had a notice on my door for the first time recently and I work between two jobs 60 hours a week. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t even want to know how much IOP is costing.
I’m sitting at home and had just gotten off the phone with a friend when theres a knock at my door. I don’t have a peep hole so I had no idea who it was. When I walked outside there was a mail cart full of LLR packages I had ordered for my group and this guy and a bike. He started talking about his baby dying and needing rent and riding around on his bike all day. I thought it was the post man who lost his car or something you guys! I said to him “you’ve been delivering mail on your bike all day!?” He said “I ain’t no mail man”. So there went knowing who the heck this person was. I’m not quick on my toes like I used to be. I felt so bad for him. I didn’t want to see him on the street. I couldn’t think straight or think about the fact that no one needs $90 for rent and JUST $90. What an odd number. I offered to let him wait while I looked for my check book but he said we needed to go to the bank to get cash because he had been jumped and had his ID stolen. I believed every word. I let him in my running car while I went back in to grab something. I let him ride with me to the bank. I bought him smokes. When I told a good friend she knew immediately what had happened to me. My heart breaks. Not for myself but for him. Whatever he needed that money for I hope it was good but I fear it wasn’t and that hurts. I have no money. I work HARD for what I do have and I don’t need someone taking advantage of my kindness. OR using that money for harm or bad doings. I could have bought groceries. I could have paid a bill. Theres so much I could have done. But I choose to help a stranger and my only hope is that he was sincere and he really needed help. This is what not to do. I should have given him food. Or toilet paper. Or something. But not money I didn’t even have myself to give. I think having a heart of gold you need to find your passion. Mine is writing and advocacy. Use THAT to help others. Not by financial means that you don’t have. Right now I’m avoiding a call from my mother. They have helped me out financially and I know she is going to be very disappointed in me, which yes I screwed up but honestly I really don’t want to hear about that right now. There will be no grace or compassion only how stupid it was and how dare I do something like that. I was only trying to help. I WILL find my own way to save the world but my lesson has been learned that its not through money that I don’t have. Take it one roe at a time and don’t ever let someone read you and take advantage of you. Hearts of gold are easy to see because they shine so brightly but what can do use your brightness to shed light on better disission making skills for them. Thats all I’ve got for this one folks. I’m mentally beat today. I’ve gone live twice in my VIP group, paid a bill, ran this guy all over creation, and now I just want to decompress while listening to vinyl.
I missed my best friends funeral because I moved across the country to be with you.
After 4.5 you won’t even speak to me no matter what what I do
Its as if I don’t exist
Do you even think of me? Am I missed?
Theres a void of missing time I can’t get back
You see us as never happening thats a fact
Who am I now, with out you, now that we’re done?
To you it was all a game, just like everything, if it was, I WON!
by: Kathleen R Scheel
Who am I now? Ya know the reason I stopped my LuLaRoe wasn’t just because I wasn’t getting sales it was because I went to go write a post about myself and couldn’t think of anything to say about myself other than I liked cats. Obviously l like more than just cats….at least I hope. If not we are in trouble. I have been through so much hurt and loss and pain in my life that I after the “loss” of my ex, the person I thought I was going to spend forever with. And ya know he might as well be dead. He doesn’t acknowledge I’m alive so aside from (hopefully someone telling me) I have no way of knowing if he’s alive or not. That man broke me worse than I ever thought anyone could. They say wild horses need breaking but I wish I would have stayed wild. I am numb inside. I feel like I’ll never love again. Like I don’t want to. His touch is the last I remember. Its been months. I have disassociated so much from myself that I’ve actually started disassociating again. Its scary, I have missed time. I misplace everything. I forget things super easy. I’m rarely in my body and in my head. I’m somewhere out there hiding. Curled up in a corned begging the world to stop hurting me. Its a protection mechanism. Its so embarrassing when I don’t remember saying or doing something or I can’t think of something. Bad cases can be dangerous. Luckily mine is mild. Disassociating comes from BPD. Last night I found out that someone I met by chance has a daughter with this awful mental illness and I have the chance to help this sweet family with what I know.
Who am I? I am Katie, the helper. I always want to help. And if I can I will. Who am I? I like cats but thats not the main concept of me. I like to read, do art, and to write. I like movies, and tv shows. I love to cook and be outside. I have a huge moral compass. I feel terrible when I do something I know I’m not supposed to. Call it catholic guilt or whatever you will but I can’t stand it. I try to make people laugh and smile. I get exhausted sometimes and have what was called “resting concerned” face. Anxiety is a bitch. I love all my fiends that have stuck with me through this tough time. and for my outstanding VIP group. They are extremely helpful and supporting.
I have been headed for this path for a long time coming. Probably since I moved to FL. I finally arrived at the “The waiting place” last July. I am JUST NOW starting to find purpose again. It came to a point where I was almost done with things. I was ready to give up. The last thing my ex told me was “giving up got you to where you are now”. I wanted to feel what it was like to really give up considering I thought I was making progress in my life. I was tired of being a burden on everyone I loved in my life, I was tired of feeling like all my friends and what family does speak to me was spent with me, and I was tired of being in so much pain. Now I’m not going to lie I am still in a great deal of pain and I still feel some of this to be true but I don’t feel taking my life would solve much of anything for anyone but myself. And thats selfish. Its ironic that I lead with a quote from one of my favorite children’s books. For a brief moment after I moved to Pensacola I had a boost of confidence and independence just being out of the same town as my ex. I met someone, I thought. He seemed great. We chatted a bit for probably two weeks before we met for the first time, he came over for game night and we went to eat before. I thought it went well. Then he was my date to pensacon. First of all he was super late, second I did not really have $45 for the ticket it cost to go but I really really didn’t want to pass up the chance to see him again. Then to make matters worse this is when I started to have really bad sleep issues. I had been on delivery the day before at 5:30am and then I didn’t sleep good that night so I was tired that day. The whole thing was a mess. And get this, he had to leave early! I was still willing to give him a chance y’all. I wanted to see him again. He made me laugh even though I was exhausted and I could see myself having a good time with him. Well long story short I never really heard from him after that. So to speak. Saturday night I finally ran into him which I knew would happen.
These photos were taken moments prior to me feeling like I was shunned out of a bar by a 29 year old and his friends. Tears were streaming down my face by the time I got to the end of the block. Partly from hurt feelings and partly from anger, how can people treat other humans like that
Whats ironic is that he said his favorite book was “Oh the Places You’ll Go”. It may be BUT he’s missing the point of the book I fear. I won’t go into detail about what happened but no one should feel uncomfortable or like they don’t belong in a public place.
When I got home I immediately fell into a dark place. I called the one person I knew would be there and could pull me out. My LuLaRoe sponsor. It had more to do with seeing this guy, having him and his friends laugh at me because I walked by to go to the bathroom, my horrific dating experiences, the things I wish I could change about the past, feeling like a burden to everyone around me and feeling no self worth at all and my ex not even acknowledging that I exist. This next piece I wrote on Sunday. I went to mass (Catholic Church service) then I went to a baptist service and my sponsor told me what her sermon was about. They all focused on the same thing pretty much. YOU ARE LOVED. No matter what you’ve done you’re loved.
God loves us all. Despite our flaws, our past, our mistakes, what we did or didn’t do, how clean our house is, whether people make fun of us or not, He love us. God is the one person that will never abandon you. God lives within you therefore making you in essence God. Never abandon yourself. I have and its not fun. God is everywhere. I believe that. I am catholic but believe in energy healing, crystals, and the magic that yoga can do on the spirit and body. I have made so many mistakes you guys. I haven’t really updated or written because well I screwed up a good thing with Mr. Clean. Its almost been a year since this all happened. which my service is coming to an end. Hopefully I can update it. I regret what I did to him. He was a good guy and even if nothing serious was ever to become of us he didn’t deserve what I did and maybe karma is getting me back. Who knows. He supported me in my dreams and my goals, he believed in me. Something my ex never did. And I chose my ex still. Even though my ex was just using me and I knew it. Mr Clean wasn’t. We both really liked each other. Who knows what would have happened had I not been trying to see if my ex would ever change. They never do, or at least not for you. Maybe I will see MR. Clean again and it will be sweet and poetic. So thats my update guys. Not much else is going on. I work at Trulieve in pensacola. I sell my LuLaRoe, or try too. Its the only thing that kept me alive two weeks ago when I wanted to die. I had stuff to ship out and I thought “how are these ladies going to get their clothes?”. Terrible. But I’m here and I’m glad. I’m glad for the angels God has surrounded me with. I’m also starting IOP next week. I’ll leave you with my anthem right now. Take it one roe at a time!
(Yes I just quoted Shakespeare and lead right into Emily Dickinson, get over it lol I love my quotes and poems) Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to grow up to be a writer, and a lover; by way of helping people and loving all those around me with as much of me as I could. So far I’ve managed to do just that but, BUT even though I do tend to press limits and push boundaries I’ve never veered so far out of my comfort zone as to do a blog AND public media sales. I’m not going to lie I’m a little scared. I know I can do it and I’ll be good at it and it’s a way to help lots of people and make lots of connections and learn lots of things. And an extremely creative outlet which I crave and NEED. The question lies with why am I waiting until now to start doing the BIG stuff, taking the big risk. I thought loving someone and giving my heart away was a risk, no. I knew before I even did that it was a bad idea. I KNOW this is what I’m supposed to be doing. The thing is loving and losing someone is a terrible thing but not having lived life is worse and yes I was loving with my whole heart the whole time but was I living? Clearly not. I wasn’t getting married or having kids. I was waiting. Waiting for something that never happened. Waiting, just like Dr. Suess talks about in “Oh! The places You’ll Go!”. I was in the waiting place, where people go to wait. I was waiting to get married and be a house wife and have a baby and raise a family and lalala, clearly that’s not what I’m supposed to do now. I have places to go. Or maybe it is for me just not then and not now. Nothing went how it was supposed to go but when does life? You can’t take money with you when you go, you can’t take clothes or material items, what you can leave behind is your legacy. What will your legacy be? A child? A mindset? A path for others to follow? Whether you’re a Dory of the world or a Bruce, BE YOU!, and, “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming”.
You are forever gone to a slumber so deep, for you there are dreams no more.
A life taken too soon, something I still have questions for.
My dreams live on without you, but in my heart forever you’ll be.
The things I’m doing, the woman I’m becoming, you’d be proud if you could see.
Dream no more, your pain is gone my love.
I can feel you all around me looking down from up above.
With the recent events of Chris Cornell and of course we all remember Robin Williams I wanna share some things that are near and dear to my heart and something that happened to me on Thursday. Tragedy has struck America recently with online bullying which I guess is “trolling” or could be turned into a form of online hazing. Depeding on the motives behind the person doing the “trolling” I suppose. I’m not real sure. I was apparently “trolled” on Thursday night for the first time 😕. People are cruel. Some people just want a fight and want to stir the pot and little do they know what they could be stirring. I have decided to do what I can by writing this and by having one of my first Lu La Roe sales to benefit To Write Love On Her Arms. I have lost so many people near and dear to me to suicide and not just to suicide either. Far to many to count. And in the past 3 years have lost 2 of my very best friends and I’ve dealt with moving all over the country, being kicked out of a click, a five year relationship break up, cutting down a business I really didn’t want to and I had someone who knows nothing about me and my plans try and judge a situation they know knew nothing of. You never know what someone is going through. We all know what assuming does. I myself deal with depression and have dealt with suicide and fortunately was able to receive the help I needed but not everyone does. I want to CHANGE that. Some how. Some way. Even if it’s a small way. 1800suicide saved my life over a decade ago. Nothing is ever worth your life. No matter how much you think is. Everyday I wish I could have saved my friends. I want to change online bullying. I want to change the world. I wish people would treat others how they want to be treated. I personally don’t think sometimes. I just think everyone is nice and well, they aren’t. And that’s life. The key is to not let it bother you. I let this person ruin my Friday and it was completely unnecessary. It’s what they wanted. And than I remember what is on my toothbrush cover that I see twice a day “never let anyone dull your sparkle”. I perked right up. Who cares what some person I’m never going to see again thinks of me. So what if they want to think negatively of me. They don’t know me. They don’t live in my heart or my brain. Nor do I live in theirs and its unfair either way for either of us to judge. I know that “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”. I want to make a difference not for myself but for the world. So it can be a better place for the kids I take care of and hopefully my future kids. Hannah this is for us. This is for Mariah. This is for Will. This is for Dereck. This is for all those we have known and lost. I will be successful and I will reach my goals because I have to.
Where does my future stand? Where will I be in the next few months career wise? Well I am not completely certain yet as things CAN change but I am queued to be a Lu La Roe consultant in the coming weeks. I am beyond thrilled. I will be able to nanny the wonderful kids that are staying with me while working on my blog and writing and afterwards focusing on bulding the brand and fashion of Lu La Roe. I am more than thrilled. I am blessed beyond belief. If you had asked me three months ago if I would be telling you I considered myself blessed you would be crazy but here I am. I am determined to make a career goal and path for myself that I can live up to. All my life I’ve been trying to live up to what I thought other people wanted of me and now I’m doing what I think is wise for me and what I know I’m capable of. Nothing more nothing less. No one lives your life but you so you have to take it into your hands and make it your own. If you want to be a soccer player. Go do it. Nothing will stand in your way if you dedicate yourself to your craft. I already love that I was “blessed” with the opportunity to work for Lu La Roe and their business practice is blessing others. If you’re a consultant you get the bless reference. I hope to bless a lot of lives in my career and have tried to lead a very pay it forward kind of mentality my whole life. Being from the south you kind of can’t help not to be! Things are happening for me. Today is exciting. I get all my racks and start to decorate my clothing room, I get a charger for my computer so I can work more on editing this and work on women’s gathering stuff at the yoga studio, I get notebooks for our thing on Friday, at the studio, I’m thrilled about my swingline stapler and planner coming. I am starting to happen. This is the first day of my life