If anyone knows me AT ALL they know that THIS is my song at karaoke. My best friend and I were supposed to go to Beale Street music festival. She had gotten us tickets and everything. I couldn’t have afforded to go otherwise. Its all I have been looking forward to the past few weeks because with my aunt dying, my ex ignoring even the text tell him she had passed, stress from finances, stress from work, loneliness, etc, I haven’t had much else to look forward to. I was going to get to see the karaoke “Ironic” singer herself and my favorite band of all time. Third Eye Blind. For people like me who are really sick sometimes all it takes is just one thing to keep us going. I no longer have that. Not that it would have mattered much longer because it will be over soon. Irony is a bitch because I need this concert now more than ever. But life has a funny funny way of working out just the way we need it to.
Life has been very ironic to me lately and very literal. I can’t seem to get over it. I’ll give you an example that is a little to spot on to what my everyday life is like.
So I’m on “E” but I am already running late to a Drs appointment 20min away and I have work afterwards so I have got to be on time. So I am praying literally the whole way there “God please let me make it to the Dr without running out gas, God please just let me make it to the Dr.” I didn’t have time to stop on the way but luckily I made it! I ran up to my Drs appointment only to find out I was a day early! I busted out crying saying how I drove 20 min away on E and that I had to be seen because I was very sick. I had started to aspirate in my sleep at this time. I was already over this morning. This meant I would be late to work which is a huge no no. Especially for me. I went to my car to charge my phone. As soon as I cranked my car to charge my phone it died. As in ran out of gas. I lost it. After calling dear friend and finding the humor in the fact that God quite literally answered my prayer I was okay. Still sucked but I was okay. I sat there nearly 4 hours including waiting on the Dr and gas to think about my mistakes and the grace God had given me. I deal with things of this nature on a daily basis. Its just my luck, its just my life.
And here is Murphy’s law
This week has been Cray Cray. Like crazy. I almost thought I was going to lose my job. One of the only things I wake up everyday for. All because I’m sick and I didn’t’ know how to ask for sick leave. Luckily I have a therapist who really cares and saw if she didn’t do something it wasn’t going to be good. I can’t say I don’t have people that care about me because that just not true. I know I do. Just because one person won’t acknowledge I exist doesn’t mean I don’t matter. Anywho IOP was SUPPOSED to start on Wednesday but I had to start it on Friday. It went okay. Apparently I’m a pro at DBT, which clearly you can know the skills but still not be good at them. Or else I wouldn’t need IOP. I feel like every time I get overwhelmed or stressed or both I go into an episode. Up until I was given the green light to take a couple of weeks off every moment of every day felt like a disassociation. I wasn’t me because I wasn’t there. I was some where else trying to avoid reality. So aside from starting IOP what else did I do instead of going to a concert that was keeping me going:
I cleaned and organized the LuLaRoom
I deep cleaned my couch (much needed y’all, much needed)
I started folding and putting away the immense amount of laundry I have YET to put up since moving
I planned a super sweet, stay at home cook, eat under the stars, listen to records, and canoe the blackwater river third/fourth date.
I wrote a letter to the founder of the company that I represent thanking them for saving my life and seeing what else they can do to assist me. It took courage but I told my story.
And I wrote this blog entry
Life isn’t perfect but I made the most of a super shitty situation. I had a great day. It was amazing on the river. Its Ironic how much, we shall call him for blog sake Professor Lupin (it was Walter White but the more I got to know about him he’s totally Lupin) we have in common. Yet how different we are. Right now we are just friends and I’d say dating as friends and maybe we will see what happens. Either way I’m happy to have a new friend and someone to go canoeing with. Its hard to meet someone and have to tell them right off the bat “oh by the way I’m unpacking some baggage lol
what a puuurfect day
One of the saddest things for me this weekend was not seeing my best friend and seeing third eye blind. So I’ll close with one of my favorite songs by them.
“Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”
Frank Herbert, Dune (Dune #1)
Change is something inevitable in life. Change is something I crave and at the same exact time run far away from. I wouldn’t like a life without some spice added to it, (no Dune pun intended there). My daycare is changing, my writing is moving forward, my passions are progressing. I am growing. I am becoming the woman I am meant to be. That is exciting. This blog is meant to catalog all those adventures. Dating, my writing, my career and school paths, the road blocks I may encounter and how I’ll overcome them. I may share past stories with you and things I’ve learned from my mistakes. Here is a short but sweet introduction to the start of a new life for me in just two weeks, then two months, then who knows from there. Life is an adventure. Let the sleeper in you awaken. Stay tuned as I work on “Escape from Palofax”, “Career Goals”, and just in general work on getting used to the lay out of WordPress itself lol so please excuse the messiness of it while I do so. I do think however it will benefit me in the long run both career and growth wise.
I hate leaving. I hate saying goodbye. I try to be funny and silly but y’all I am bawling my eyes out the entire ride to wherever it is that I’m going. I don’t do so well before saying goodbye either. You know the saying or the saying that its easier to push people away then it is to say goodbye. Yea, well, I do that. I think, well, I know I did that. Have done that recently and maybe even tonight. I can’t help that I don’t do well with goodbyes and that subconsciously I will come up with reasons to make people NOT want to see me. NOT want to say goodbye. What sense does that make? None. I never said I made sense. I do not come with a disclaimer. I must warn you of that.
If I did life would probably be much easier for me, people would know what to expect. I have to learn the hard way. I have to experience things for myself. Thats the way I learn, is by experience, so therefore if you enable me I don’t learn anything. I get worse. I get sicker. I am fixing all of that. I have hit rock bottom. I am selling everything so I can pay debts back. I will ride a bike. I do not care. I hope it has a pretty little basket. With a little bell too! Through all my pain I’m trying to think positive I just have to figure out how I’m going to get the title to my car and how I’m going to sell it in two weeks. Thats the issue. I know it can be done but HOW. HOW. I HAVEN’T had a migraine in 5 months and I have one right now thinking about how I’m going to move in less than two weeks. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t afford a taco much less a moving truck. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I try so hard to support my friends and I get over whelmed and I’ll admit I do like pretty things but I get caught up in the madness that is life. That is trying to do the right thing. Trying to help. I forget about ME! And here I am leaving so I can be alone with ME dang it. I need some alone time. I’ll miss every soul that has touched my life here which is so so so so so many people but I am so happy to be leaving. Just not real sure how its going to happen at this point. I’m also deciding to quit taking valium all together. I thinks thats also why I feel like poop. With drawls are no fun. I hope all my rivers here have bridges and if they be crushes may they be able to be mended through the work of the powerful and mighty beaver over time. Leaving sucks. It just does. But coming home is exciting. Lets just hope I can make it!
Do you know what its like to go blind over someone? Have you ever listened to the words of this song? I know what its like. I have experienced a love that wasn’t planned or wanted or expected. And I still don’t understand it. I don’t question what life puts in front of me. I just greet it with a smile, sometimes with a confused look. None the less I acknowledge it as a feeling as something there. Even though it maybe nothing I still see it as there. I go blind when I look into his eyes and see them sparkle back. I go blind when I see his smile. I go blind when he makes me smile. I will miss him greatly but its a sacrifice I’m willing to make for a better life. Love isn’t everything in life like they make it out to be in tv and movies. Yes it can fuel you and get you by but it isn’t going to pay your bills unless your after the wrong kind of love. I however am not. I’ve never had a crush on a professor before. Its not against the rules seeing as how I’m not a student but its still strange. Usually I am on the same level, I have never fallen for someone so high above me. ahahah Tal Bacman. Anyone? Anyone? High above me? Anyway. There is no reason he should be with someone like me. He could perceivably do much better in the dating pool as far as finical stability and power goes. I won’t always be at the bottom of the totem pole. One day I’ll own the bitch. One day. Not today. Not tomorrow. But one day.
Don’t wait around. I had never played volleyball until today because I was scared I would suck at it. Well come to find out I don’t. I am actually quite good at it considering I had no idea what I was doing. Take risk, take chances, try new things, play the drums if you want dang it. No one is stopping you but you. Are you going blind in a bad way? Can you not see whats right in front of you? All the chances? Take a look in the mirror. What are you blind to? Who makes you go blind? Is it a good thing? or do they distract you from the ultimate mission? Think about this.
What is confidentiality? What is privacy? What is heard and not heard? I have recently had two instances on one social media and one on pandora where an advertisement targeted something I had just TALKED about. Not a single thing I had posted about or anything. Pretty freaky huh. And two weeks before it was decided that I moved to Columbus MS there was this State Farm commercial for Columbus that kept coming on my pandora. Do we really read what we click yes to?
I found this out this the hard way. Everything you disclose what you know to becomes part of your story. And like it or not you have to live with that. There are some things in this world that we cannot take back no matter how much we want to. Brian I am so sorry. Peter is sorry. Peter was being Peter. There is always two sides to every story. Always. If not life would be very one sided and boring. If I had a choice we would go back to the old days, before technology took over. Before blogs…before..SOCIAL MEDIA. WHERE THERE WERE BIKE CLUBS. LIKE REAL BIKES. No joke you guys. I HATE this crap. BUT its where my business is at. So I might as well blog too. The song of the day is for Brian. Short but sweet and to the point.
This sweet innocent little girl. Who is she at 28? Well right now she is at a turning point. Things are shifting. In a good way. Yes I am talking about myself in the third person. Oh well. I am growing. I am changing. I have been a seed planted and blooming and planting this HUGE roots so I can grow into this GIANT tree. My hope in life is to touch a life. To make a difference. To help someone. To change something. To help the world in some way. I am a writer, a fashion designer as far as outfits and styling goes, and apparently an aspiring hair dresser. I love all I meet and try to express that. It always freaks people out. I love with all of my heart. I get sad sometimes. And its not just for me, its for the world. I honestly get sad for the world sometimes and just sob. I am an emotional being. I love that being with professor Lupin has taught me to be more logical in my thinking and not so emotional. I have had so many support system members along the way teach me that. I WILL always cry over the sadness I feel for the world though. I can’t help it.
I like to be outside all of the time unless the weather is to the point where I can’t stand it. I love being active if I can. I do have medical disabilities. Camping is one of my favorite things and hiking!!! Just laying a blanket in the grass and looking up at the clouds as they pass by is just amazing for me. I am an artist. I have a very vivid imagination. I love RPG games. Video games are awesome too!! I can play shooter games pretty well! I’m such a nerd. I even know WOW and LOL. I listen to records when I can and pandora and Spotify. Life without music is no life at all. I should not be alive on several different accounts but here I am so I suppose you could say I have some Devine purpose here. I have no idea what though. Often times I want to give up but I know that God has SOMETHING planned for me. If it takes selling all my stuff and starting all over then I will. I don’t care. I’ll do it. I’ve done it before. I’ve started from nothing. What would be the difference? Symbolically I’m being reborn. This is my Saturn returns! This is my major shift. This is who Kathleen is becoming. Who I am becoming. These changes happening right now will define who I am years to come. I will chose right over wrong always. I have always had a strong moral compass. I get very bad anxiety over it. I was raised very strictly. I hate getting in trouble. So I try to follow the rules and do what is right so I don’t get in trouble and when I do get in trouble it always triggers an anxiety attack. Theres a fact many of you probably didn’t know about me. I have gotten in trouble so much lately I have trouble going to the bathroom in certain places. It has become ridiculous. I have even developed a double UTI. I AM SO TIRED of my anxiety getting in the way of my success. I know I could rock the hell out of things. We all have our flaws I just feel like mine puts a target on my back. Anxious people ALWAYS stick out. We can’t help it. Things are changing though like I said. I am no longer letting these things effect me. I am moving past the excuses, past the anxiety and focusing on me and MY DREAMS. To write a novel, have a successful career somewhere, go back to school for cosmetology and maybe fall in love or become a nun. Either works for me. I’ll end with a prayer and a song.
I Come to you with a sinful heart but a heart full of love. Lord forgive me for the pain I have caused others in recent months, weeks, or even years. Lord I ask that you keep all my friends safe and protected in your warm embrace. You are the way the truth and the light. Lord let us not forget it was you who sent your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins so that we may be forgiven. Lord I ask for forgiveness and peace. I ask this and all unspoken prayers in your name.
Jesus said to his disciples:
“You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil.
When someone strikes you on your right cheek,
turn the other one to him as well.
If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic,
hand him your cloak as well.
Should anyone press you into service for one mile,
go with him for two miles.
Give to the one who asks of you,
and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.”
In todays Gospel for the Catholic Church it teaches us not to hold grudges or do things out of revenge basically. If someone needs something you give it to them no matter what. If someone steals from you, LET them. IF someone hurts you LET them. DON’T take action, that is for God to do. Not you. Recently I tried to take something into my own hands and I’m paying for it now with feelings of immense guilt and self blame. Was I right about a few things, well everything, YES. BUT that doesn’t give me power to take things into my own hands. That is up for God to decide. I have since decided it best that maybe I take myself out of the situation all together. It will cause me much sacrifice but if it saves just one person it won’t be in vain. Not one bit.
I have felt such a sickening guilt all day, ever since reading the gospel I have been saying Hail Marys, our fathers, regular prayers and the sorrowful sins prayer ALL day. I am sick to my stomach at the though of ruining someones life. Or being the cause of anyones discomfort or set back. Thats never my intention. I have whats called “word vomit”. I don’t mean to it just happens. I have made such grave mistakes but I’m growing and learning and I hope that everything works out the way God wants it to. I have been praying and doing what he is telling me to do. This is all I know.
I’ve know Henderson Cunningham for a very very long time. He is a childhood friend. I remember nights of jungle juice, getting high on life and playing spades. Much like me Hindu (his nickname) has seen loss on a massive scale. You cannot judge how any man will take a loss. Here are his words on loss.
“Its when you drop a glass and it shatters and you reach up and grab your head shaking, asking why the world is against you.
Its deniability that exist to try to protect you from losing control, until you notice that you never had control in the first place.
Its when you pause a movie and just stare at it stare at it STARE AT IT! until you realizes youve been crying and you dont care about the tears because the pain is overwhelming.
Its when you realizes theres nothing there. Life is meaningless and everything youve been doing leads to nothing.
Its watching friends come to your side and completely not able to hear the words come out their mouth because the muffle oh the fucking muffle is to loud.
Its when you look in the mirror and you everything starts to quake qnd you wanna scream and tear out your hair.
Its accepting the thing you feared the most when you have no other choice, but to except the reality of life.
Beautifully written and from the soul Hindu is a writer as well. This blog is not just for me. I have a Facebook group. The logician and the magician. Where people from all over can share their stories. And be HEARD. Once a week I want to feature another writer on my blog. Find my Facebook group and join if you want to be HEARD!
You have got to be your own boss. You cannot rely on anyone else but you. I have become so dependent on my support system that it is a GOOD thing that I am leaving them. I will get to grow on my own. I will no longer have them. I will be completely on my own. Granted I’ll be in a town I know and I do know people there but as far as a rock support system I have none. I don’t even have a Dr there yet or a therapist. Its a very scary thought but I know I can make it. I have FAITH and BELIEF in myself. You see the last four words in belief IF you jumble them them make LIFE. Life comes from belief. You have got to believe in yourself.
If you don’t make your life your own someone else will make it theirs. I have been there. I was changing to be someone I wasn’t to be with someone for five years and whats crazy is the person he fell in love was the REAL me. So if I hadn’t been obsessed with changing into what I THOUGHT he wanted me to be perhaps things would be different but honestly I wouldn’t change a thing. I have learned sooo sooo sooo much over my grief. I have grown into such a beautiful loving woman because of all the loss I have been through. You can only become the person I am today without having gone through the pain that I have. If life didn’t have highs and lows we would all be on this flat line and then we wouldn’t really be living. I’m getting off subject which if you haven’t noticed I do a lot. What I want to say to you is that you need to take responsibility for YOU and YOUR dreams and YOUR passions and most importantly YOUR life. After all it is YOURS. BE YOUR OWN BOSS!!!!
I had to post this. The title of this blog is the name of a book about BPD. I can’t tell you how terrible it is having this disorder. I feel abandoned all the time. Sometimes for legit reasons sometimes for reasons that mean nothing. One day on this blog I got over 70 views. Now I barely get 20. Please share this. Share my story. Help someone. Someone can benefit from what I talk about I just know it. I don’t know who but someone will.
You see I am not BEING abandoned necessarily but I am ABANDONING people I care about. I am leaving people that care immensely about me and that I care immensely about. And it hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever get married now. I may be wrong but in the sense of the word I don’t think it will happen. I’ll never have a pretty white dress, I’ll never walk down any isle, and thats fine with me. I’m OKAY with that. Really I am. I’VE EVEN LOVED SOMEONE ENOUGH TO CONSIDER THE THOUGHT OF REHOMING MY CATS AT SOME POINT. LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. Love in the sense of things can work if two people are willing to work at it and give and take. Is there chemistry? Do they make you happy? Do they fit your spiritual needs? Are they on your maturity level? OR are they on the way there. I am not in the place or time for a relationship and I know that and I’m okay with that. I still have growing to do. Thats why I’m moving to the very first place I was on my own. I made myself then and I can make myself now. I know I can. Professor Lupin has given plenty of tools and even has taught me how to produce a very very nice protonus charm. Also the beauty of chocolate which in our world is records. He has been so amazing and such a blessing and I hope he shows up in chapters to come in my life but shall he not I will always come to back to this one and look back with fondness.
We all know I feel too much. We all know that. Well one reason I feel abandoned is my followers on this blog have drastically dropped. My views and likes. But ya know what at least someone SOMEONE cares enough to take the time to read this and follow my story and my growth. I accomplished something great today. I did something by myself that I really didn’t want to do and was talked into the courage by professor Lupin himself. I asked him to go with me and I don’t think its that he didn’t want to I think he wanted me to overcome a fear which I did with grace and poise and there was even a frog involved lol. I should have snapped a photo.. maybe next time.
For those of you that read this and follow me I hope it touches your soul like it touches mine to write it. I have love for the whole world so know that I have love for you too even though I may not know you. My heart is with you.
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” – Dory
Grief has seven major stages that we all must go through to heal properly. I’ll list them so that we are all on the same page.
Shock and Denial
Pain and Guilt
Anger and Barging
Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
Reconstruction and working through it
Acceptance and hope
I am stuck somewhere between upward turn and refection. Losing DPL hurt really bad. I am also grieving now leaving a home I made in FL. I am leaving a lot of people that care about me deeply. I saw a little cry because she thought it was the last time she was going to see me. Do you know how bad that hurt my heart. IT WAS SO PAINFUL. I hate that my moving is causing so much pain. I hate to leave my life I have made here but I feel its time for a new and better chapter in my life. Life is coming full circle for a lot of people I know. My friend Tara is moving back home to Kansas with her kids whom I will miss sooo much as well as her. I used to watch them at my daycare. OH did you know I used to run a daycare. Ha what is there I haven’t tried. I’ve also DJ’d too. Man I do scream adventure.
Grief can be good which is why this is titled “Good Grief”. Things happen for a reason. Everything you or I do happens for a reason. We don’t know it but the grief we feel is so the next love we feel is that much more precious. Once you have lost something you will never take that thing for granted again. I can attest to that. I don’t take having running water for granted anymore I can tell you that for sure. Nor love. Or the opportunity TO LOVE. Does it REALLY MATTER if we’re loved back? The point of life is to experience pain and joy. In joy lies love. Why not spread it? Whats so wrong with that. I literally get made fun of at work for saying the “L” word. But I don’t care. Thats who I am and they can get over it I love them anyway. Love isn’t always fair either. Love can be brutally honest. DPL may have been a little too brutally honest in the hurtful tones he said and the words he said but maybe if I look deeper maybe his love for me was frustrating him to the point of taking it out on me. Who knows. I can’t overanalyze it because to be honest it doesn’t matter. What does matter is to spread love. And to love honestly, hard, and without reason.
I don’t deserve your love. I deserve more grief than I do love but you have blessed me with so many times of joy that Im so grateful for. Thank you for sending your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins and so that I may be able to forgive through my grieving process and so that I may be able to love fully and honestly and without reason. Lord God I pray for all my pregnant friends that they may have healthy babies and healthy pregnancies. I know I am not worthy for an answer to this prayer but please if you hear me know that I love you and I try to love the whole world and try to do what you would do. In your name I pray this and all things unspoken in my hurting heart.
Why am I pacing my house? Why can’t I sit still? Why can’t I pack and clean? Why can’t I focus like I did last night? I had a good day yesterday. I had a bad day today thats why. But, theres a but. I have something to look forward to tomorrow. I get to see professor Lupin. Even though things aren’t serious and he’s just a friend, he makes me laugh and he makes me smile, he’s been a great friend. I hate to go but I’m excited for the adventure ahead. I wish he could come but thats not how life works. And I know that. I’m okay with that. I’m grateful to have someone to have a release with and share in confidence with things going on in my life. I appreciate that he accepts me for who I am, which is not perfect, getting better everyday but not perfect. He knew from the get go I was going through things. (hahahahaha don’t read into this video please I’m just now listening to the actual video and I’m like omg this is terrible. The song on pandora is not like this so I’m finding another version because this is awful. Or maybe I should leave it because its funny and its raw and its me and it has nothing to do with anything. I just like the song.} I’ve been a liar, I’ve been a cheat, I’ve been it all. Thats the point I was trying to make. Its cool the video was an interview as well. Never judge someone. If that song teaches you anything is to not judge someone, try and love beyond all reason. Even when it makes no sense. So it does have relevance. Be like professor Lupin. Be accepting and kind. He is kind. He is a chapter I will remember fondly. Bookmarked with laughs and new experiences.
And that is the truth right there. Right freakin there. Kapaow. Me in a quote. Lupin is allergic to cats if you can ironically imagine that so I have to decat my home. Its very satisfying to deep clean almost weekly lol but honestly because of that I only clean when he comes over because then I just super clean so yea kind of need to break that habit. At least I’ve acknowledged it and I’m getting better at it actually. Mopped my floors before work the other day lol so props to me. Why am I productive one minute and super lethargic the next, well for one I do have genetic condition in which I don’t absorb B vitamins or folic acid. That could attribute to it. I haven’t eaten much today either since I’m so broke and finally today just flat out sucked but knowing how much fun tomorrow will be is exciting and motivates me to finish this and clean!!!!
Sooo I started to Journal again and I think its super important. I can phase out the unnecessary and provide the necessary. Or rather just have a personal outlet. Everyone should journal. Its flat out healthy. It will help you not forget. Remembering is IMPORTANT. I forget all the time especially being soooo stressed out. Memory loss is one of the number one symptoms of major stress. I picked up someone else’s phone at work today you guys. Thinking it was mine. WTH. I’m that freakin stressed. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. God only knows what this person thinks about me now. Anyway journal so you don’t pick up someone else’s phone lol