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"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing" – Benjamin Franklin

You never know how many people really care until you hit rock bottom. People start to come out of no where. People you thought had forgotten all about you still remember your smile and the impact you had. No life is too small or insignificant. Everyone has a place. Even me. In my own weird way. I don’t know where I fit in this world but I know I was put here to help. I helped a girl out with clothes and a bible while in the hospital. One of the first things I did was get her a bag ready to go up to the hospital. It meant way more to her than it ever could to me. I didn’t do it for me I did it because I saw a need that I could fill. Something I could do to make the world a better place. So I did. I will call this girl until she leaves. I also met a man who lead me to get sober from my valium. Not that its bad for everyone but I have been on it for too long and everyone notices a difference of me on it. And thats what I hate. I want to be the best Katie for everyone. I hate being anxious but at the same time I don’t want to be a robot.

Part of being inpatient is giving up your freedom. Your sanity basically. You stare at walls for long periods of time just to think about the decisions you made that got you there. Which I can tell you sucks balls. I cried like a baby my second day. My first full day really. My second day I started to see the light and I started to do things that made me feel good, like run when we went outside and not sleep all day. I played cards with group members. I made people laugh. I’ll never forget those people. The people that impacted me far more than they may ever realize. You may think your life is insignificant and I know I sure did but no life is too small. NO LIFE is not important. NO ONE should be left behind in this cruel world I don’t care who you are. This world is scary and lonely and I don’t care what you’ve done you don’t deserve to be alone.

My friends and my family have carried me as far as they can and its time for me to carry myself. I pray for the strength and the courage to do so.

 

 

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I unpacked all these in one day. I can’t stand a mess and disorganization. It literally drives me batty. Moving in a complete process. Its finding a job, its settling in. Its finding yourself again. In a whole new place. I am sitting at a bar my best friend works at to get wifi just to write this and to apply to jobs. I am at a loss at what to do. I have tried so much and done so much today I am exhausted. Being up at 5am everyday wears on a person. I try though and I’m still going to keep trying. I’m not going to let this depression and my BPD win. I won’t and I can’t. Too many people have put too much time and money into my well being and to help me get a fresh start just to sit and rot away. Like I’d really like to do but I know thats not Gods plan for me. Its the depression telling me that.

A wise friend once said “The greatest thing about life is everyone has their own book. Some are sweet and everlasting, some are horrifying and weird, some are sad and short, but it is YOUR book. And no one in the whole universe can copy or steal your book” – Henderson Cunningham.

This statement is so true. I hope my book is long and filled with lots of highs and few but very informative lows. No one knows what its like to be me and I don’t know what its like to be anyone else. I don’t want to know. I pray for everyone. I hope everyone succeeds in their own way. I never wish ill on anyone. I have made mistakes and I can’t take them back but I can live my life now and and want to repent and ask for forgiveness. My book is bitter sweet right now. And I’m okay with that. My sister has blessed me with a roof and I can’t be anymore grateful. My brother came and helped me move and I can’t ever repay him and my mom, don’t get me started. She is my rock. Well God is my rock but my mom comes second. I would love to write more and update more but its hot and I can’t stay long. I will have internet this weekend I hope and plan to write more. Please look forward to hearing me soon.

Take it one roe at a time!

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I don’t know how anyone can see a homeless person and not look down. If only for a second. We all know major cities and towns are going to be full of them that is just life. IT is what being below the poverty line has done, its what not being able to qualify for disability when someone really needs it gets turned down, its what being mentally ill and not being able to get help does to a person. Its HELL. I have lived it now. BRIEFLY but I have been behind the sign and will go behind the sign again today. Not for me but for THEM. The ones who have no one to look them in the eyes. The ones who remember my face because I had given them money and talked to them before. THEY REMEMBERED ME!!! And now when I have nothing to give they are helping me out telling me times to come back and when to come and trying to take care of me. There is such a strong calling in me to help these people. More so then to make money for my moving truck. If I make money for my moving truck thats fabulous but if not then God will provide some other way. I just know it. So do you want to know what it was like behind the sign? What it felt like to beg for money with a guitar and a case for 3 hours in the hot FL heat? Do you want to know what that feels like? What it taste like? What it sounds like? Listen close and I’ll tell you.

I started my journey later than I had intended to. Headed out, parked a good 8 blocks away from where I wanted to be sitting. First of all a guitar is heavy, so is a catholic Bible, (ya know, all those extra books lol) and then my water bottle. ITs FL so its HOT as all get out. Like I could have friend an egg on the cement had I had an egg. Anyway I’m walking down Palofax and I come upon a dang riot. Well riot is not a good word. “Gathering” “Supporters” with picket signs and the likes about SOMETHING. I don’t keep up with the news y’all. Its sad. I have enough sadness in my life. Something about supporting a congress man and I know they didn’t like Trump too much. I went LIVE with it on Facebook. I thought it was neat to walk up on that on my way to do this. So I watched that for a bit and then kept walking. I came upon a regular lady. A homeless lady who plays the guitar. She complemented mine and I said I would love to start a band. Haha apparently they prefer to work alone but I took no offense she told me where I could go. So I went down there. Along the way I passed another couple. They remembered me from when I had money and I used to always give them a dollar or a smoke. This time it was me on the other side. They were shocked. I’m sure a lot of them were. I assured them it was not a joke. WHO WOULD SIT IN THAT HEAT FOR A JOKE. Plus I would never want to take advantage of someone like that. So I sat below the Sanger theater sign. I played, and played and played, and played. People would walk by and not even look down. I would tear up. I was shocked someone didn’t call the cops on me for having an emotional break down on the street of Palofax. I’m a quiet crier though. I was crying not only for myself but the whole world of homeless people. They don’t even get treated like they are human. I had so many people cross the street just to avoid me. Do you know how that made me feel. The worst was when someone would reach in their pocket like they were going to give me something and I got excited and then they didn’t and I realized they put their hand in their pocket for protection. I would never take from someone else. And besides unless I use “the force” how am I supposed to get into your pocket?!? People are sooo weird. And its the little things that hurt and hell I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it. Do we realize how the small actions we do impact people on such a large scale. This is temporary for me I hope for them it is not. They have to live this everyday. The sounds were muted. I just heard my own thoughts and my guitar. I really don’t recall hearing anything else. The taste was dry and bitter. The feeling was awful. The concert was hot and my feet kept going to sleep and because I hadn’t eaten I couldn’t stand up. It was terrible. I was getting dehydrated NO ONE offered me water. Can we not show some compassion. I sang last night Palms 49 and I got $1 and finally had this creepy dude leave me alone. It was from a young boy. Teach your kids right. This little boy will never know what he did. That $1 didn’t go towards my moving truck. It went towards body wash for the homeless people of Palofax street. Supplies I’m bringing them tonight. I hope to make enough for a truck but this is for them not me. I’m bringing everything I can and hope it works. My bible and their stuff and my guitar is all I need. Wish me luck you guys!!!

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If anyone knows me AT ALL they know that THIS is my song at karaoke. My best friend and I were supposed to go to Beale Street music festival. She had gotten us tickets and everything. I couldn’t have afforded to go otherwise. Its all I have been looking forward to the past few weeks because with my aunt dying, my ex ignoring even the text tell him she had passed, stress from finances, stress from work, loneliness, etc, I haven’t had much else to look forward to. I was going to get to see the karaoke “Ironic” singer herself and my favorite band of all time. Third Eye Blind. For people like me who are really sick sometimes all it takes is just one thing to keep us going. I no longer have that. Not that it would have mattered much longer because it will be over soon. Irony is a bitch because I need this concert now more than ever. But life has a funny funny way of working out just the way we need it to.

Life has been very ironic to me lately and very literal. I can’t seem to get over it. I’ll give you an example that is a little to spot on to what my everyday life is like.

So I’m on “E” but I am already running late to a Drs appointment 20min away and I have work afterwards so I have got to be on time. So I am praying literally the whole way there “God please let me make it to the Dr without running out gas, God please just let me make it to the Dr.” I didn’t have time to stop on the way but luckily I made it! I ran up to my Drs appointment only to find out I was a day early! I busted out crying saying how I drove 20 min away on E and that I had to be seen because I was very sick. I had started to aspirate in my sleep at this time. I was already over this morning. This meant I would be late to work which is a huge no no. Especially for me. I went to my car to charge my phone. As soon as I cranked my car to charge my phone it died. As in ran out of gas. I lost it. After calling dear friend and finding the humor in the fact that God quite literally answered my prayer I was okay. Still sucked but I was okay. I sat there nearly 4 hours including waiting on the Dr and gas to think about my mistakes and the grace God had given me. I deal with things of this nature on a daily basis. Its just my luck, its just my life.

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And here is Murphy’s law

 

This week has been Cray Cray. Like crazy. I almost thought I was going to lose my job. One of the only things I wake up everyday for. All because I’m sick and I didn’t’ know how to ask for sick leave. Luckily I have a therapist who really cares and saw if she didn’t do something it wasn’t going to be good. I can’t say I don’t have people that care about me because that just not true. I know I do. Just because one person won’t acknowledge I exist doesn’t mean I don’t matter. Anywho IOP was SUPPOSED to start on Wednesday but I had to start it on Friday. It went okay. Apparently I’m a pro at DBT, which clearly you can know the skills but still not be good at them.  Or else I wouldn’t need IOP. I feel like every time I get overwhelmed or stressed or both I go into an episode. Up until I was given the green light to take a couple of weeks off every moment of every day felt like a disassociation. I wasn’t me because I wasn’t there. I was some where else trying to avoid reality. So aside from starting IOP what else did I do instead of going to a concert that was keeping me going:

  • I cleaned and organized the LuLaRoom
  • I deep cleaned my couch (much needed y’all, much needed)
  • I started folding and putting away the immense amount of laundry I have YET to put up since moving
  • I planned a super sweet, stay at home cook, eat under the stars, listen to records, and canoe the blackwater river third/fourth date.
  • I wrote a letter to the founder of the company that I represent thanking them for saving my life and seeing what else they can do to assist me. It took courage but I told my story.
  • And I wrote this blog entry

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Life isn’t perfect but I made the most of a super shitty situation. I had a great day. It was amazing on the river. Its Ironic how much, we shall call him for blog sake Professor Lupin (it was Walter White but the more I got to know about him he’s totally Lupin) we have in common. Yet how different we are. Right now we are just friends and I’d say dating as friends and maybe we will see what happens. Either way I’m happy to have a new friend and someone to go canoeing with. Its hard to meet someone and have to tell them right off the bat “oh by the way I’m unpacking some baggage lol

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what a puuurfect day

One of the saddest things for me this weekend was not seeing my best friend and seeing third eye blind. So I’ll close with one of my favorite songs by them.

“Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”
Frank Herbert, Dune (Dune #1)

Change is something inevitable in life. Change is something I crave and at the same exact time run far away from. I wouldn’t like a life without some spice added to it, (no Dune pun intended there). My daycare is changing, my writing is moving forward, my passions are progressing. I am growing. I am becoming the woman I am meant to be. That is exciting. This blog is meant to catalog all those adventures. Dating, my writing, my career and school paths, the road blocks I may encounter and how I’ll overcome them. I may share past stories with you and things I’ve learned from my mistakes. Here is a short but sweet introduction to the start of a new life for me in just two weeks, then two months, then who knows from there. Life is an adventure. Let the sleeper in you awaken. Stay tuned as I work on “Escape from Palofax”, “Career Goals”, and just in general work on getting used to the lay out of WordPress itself lol so please excuse the messiness of it while I do so. I do think however it will benefit me in the long run both career and growth wise. img_0514

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As most of you know I suffer from mental illness. I speak openly about it in my blog and I am not ashamed to speak out about it. It is a prevalent illness across the world and needs to be addressed and not suppressed. These past few days I have been inpatient at a hospital here in Columbus MS. I was having terrible suicidal thoughts and my moods were so off. I was betraying my friends without intention and things were just getting out of control. I was pushing anyone and everyone that cared away. So that way leaving would be easier. I saw what I was doing so I knew I needed to check myself in somewhere so thats just what I did. I didn’t hesitate on my decision. Once I decided I was going I was going. I knew it would be scary and I knew I wouldn’t like it but I knew it was what I NEEDED. You are the only one that can take care of yourself and you are the only one that knows yourself well enough to know if you need help or not. I sought help because I knew my life was in danger. From my own hands. Which is pretty dad gum scary. I love life and I want to be here to help people but I have a disease which tells me I’m not worth it. And that no one loves me when in reality thats not true. Neither statement. IF you or someone you know needs help I urge you to get them to seek it. Its not fun but it does help. I feel a million times better. I came home to a car that won’t crank, a locked phone, but I am fine. I am okay. Everything will be okay. I have a roof over my head, I have friends that love me, and food for my belly. I can’t ask for more. I will get my phone to work and I will get my car to work at some point. Freaking out about it isn’t going to help. Being upset about it isn’t going to help. I’ll tell y’all all about being inpatient just as soon as I can. But I’ll tell you something there were times when I thought it was the worst decision of my life but now that I’m out in the free world I see that it was the best decision I could have ever made. I am back and I am ready to write!

 

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I often feel like I’m looking at my life from the outside. Its this weird feeling I can’t explain. I have felt so alone for so long I don’t know what its like to feel like I have a partner in something. I have friends, yes. But an actual partner, no. I haven’t had one of those in a very very long time. I am 28 years old. The longing for companionship is past the point of longing and is now down right painful. I see all my friends married. Some have kids, some don’t. Some have full blown families. I feel so behind. So ALONE. ALONE doesn’t just mean by yourself. I know I’m not the only one but I always had a boyfriend. I always had a “sweetheart”. This is the longest I’ve ever gone and not “dated” anyone. My self worth had since been lowered because I feel like I’m not worth dating maybe. I know in my heart any man would be lucky to have me but when no one seems to want you its hard to NOT be hard on yourself. And its not even about men. ITs women too. Making friends is soooo hard. I have 2. Maybe 3 here in Columbus. I can’t rely on them day and night and while I don’t have a job I have to entertain myself. I have to find ways to be alone with me and be okay and its hard. I will be the first to admit that. Its VERY uncomfortable at first. I don’t even know what to do with myself half the time. I’d love to write all day but my hands are so unsteady because of the anxiety I can’t write on paper anymore. How sad is that. I used to could write in a journal and now all I can manage is to type. My hands are too unsteady for a pen and paper and that breaks my heart. When did it get this bad. When was it that I became such a mess. Was it really being told “Giving up got you to where you are now.”? I know I shouldn’t dwell on that but its hard. Its like a flesh eating bacteria eating away at my heart. Day by day it just eats away. I don’t want to give up but according to him I already have so whats the point. What is even the point anymore. I’m all alone and I feel like I always will be. I have God and thats about the only thing I can count on and right now I feel like thats all I’d rather be with is just him.

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As I look around my house and see boxes and crap everywhere I wonder how it is that I got here. I JUST moved here. I’m not supposed to moving yet. This was supposed to be my new start, instead it became the end of my time here in Florida. Never in a million, trillion, thoughts did it ever occur to me that I would be moving back to Mississippi. Ever much less this soon. I feel like not making it here is letting so many people down, most importantly myself. I couldn’t make it. Its as simple as that.

I went for a walk early this morning trying to use one of my DBT skills and I noticed there was a park right by my house. I had never known for nearly 6 months there was a park right by my house with a walking track and everything. HOW much of a recluse I had become. I used to go out and explore. I used to be adventurous. I used to explore. What the hell happened? I have no idea. I’m trying to find that girl buried under all the hurt and pain. She’s in there somewhere.

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When I wake up Monday morning my whole life will be completely different. I’ll be somewhere completely different. If you had asked me three months ago if this is where I would be I would have said “uh you have got to be kidding me”. This was never my plan. This wasn’t even plan “B”. This wan’t even a plan until it HAD to be one.

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That is a picture of the front of the house I’m going to be living in on Monday?

Am I ready? Hell no

Am I excited? Yes

Am I scared? Hell yes

Is it time to go? I think so

Will it be good? Yes it will be

Lets see what chapter Columbus holds. I will be off till I can get to a coffee shop or somewhere with Wi-fi to work on the blog. I will think of you all. All over the world who follow me. I thank you. You push me to fight another day! Chapter Four will be revealed in Columbus as well for “A beggar, A prostitute, and A writer” So watch out of that coming soon!!

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Yesterday I was going to do my bible study and I flipped open my bible to wherever it wanted to go and what do you know it landed on Daniel and the Lions Den. I nearly broke down to my knees because I knew this was a story I needed to hear and actually read and understand in the Bible. Daniel not only prayed for himself but he prayed for his king who sent him into the den of lions in the first place. We are not only to pray to God when we are in hard times but we are to pray to God for those who may have put us there for they may not have wanted to or may not have had a choice. Its so easy to forget these things. Its so easy to get caught up praying for our own needs that we forgot those of the ones who may have wronged us. David also teaches us how to be a minister in a secular world. How he refuses to giveaway of the law. I am sitting here worried about a title and worried about being illegal in another state and not being able to register my ID or my living or anything or get a job when my trust should be in the LORD and I should be praying for my ex’s safety as he fights a war not be cruel and try to do my best to get this dang title in my name.

Dear God,

I come graciously before you asking for your forgiveness in my sins. I ask that you absolve this from my heart. I ask that you protect all the soldiers out there protecting our country right now. Especially the one that lives so dear in my heart. Please protect them on their missions. Please keep them safe in your embrace. I am confident you will protect me in my ventures. I believe, confess, and pray this in your name, our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Kathleen Scheel

I have sinned so greatly. I cannot go to confession and I am heartbroken. May the story of Daniel and the Lions Den help you to come to terms with how gracious of a God we have.

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Charolette didn’t mean to chain smoke but when she was in a writing fit she did without even knowing. Half a pack down with the day not even done. Her life had been a complicated mess lately and the Drs had ordered her to wait to quit but she was ready to be done with this habit. It ruled her life. She hated that. So did Sam. Thats not what bothered her. Most of society hated that, thats what she hated. All she ever wanted was to be accepted but she always stood out like a bright yellow crayon in a black and white painting. Some people cannot help but to stand out from the crowd. This was Charlotte. She glowed when she walked into a room, her smile could melt a snowman. This was just who she was. She also had a passive aggressive side. Her face showed when she was upset about something. But her telling you was one thing. It was like pulling teeth. Hitting rock bottom was something she had never thought she would be at. She honestly never thought she would live to see rock bottom but alas she had made it long enough to hit rock bottom. And here it was. Staring her blatantly in the face. She had NO money, tons of debt, NOTHING TO her name but a house that was not in her name completely. It was complicated. She would probably lose the house or spend a lot of stress over it. For now it was as good as not having it to her name. Her job was soon to be gone. NY may not be the place for her she was quickly realizing. But where would she go.

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She sat outside her balcony glaring over the skyline for one of the last time she presumed. When who could it be? But Sam I am. He came up to Charlotte and grabbed her neck and pushed it up as he kissed her passionately. It had been two weeks since they had seen each other. Life on Wall Street got busy at times. Charolette was expecting him so she had set candles and some appetizers and wine out for them. They chatted, drinking wine, watching the sunset fall over the NY sky line. It was the perfect evening. Sam carried the dishes in and Charlotte grabbed the sheet. After sam put the dishes away he carried Charolette to the bedroom where he threw her on the bed and unbuttoned her shirt one button at time. Kissing her neck as he went. Charlotte lay at the ceiling wondering when she should tell Sam she was leaving. She would probably wait till the last minute. He quickly thrust her hands up by her head. Holding them there where she couldn’t move. He slowly moved down taking her pants off with his mouth. She had never had such a kind man show so much control over her. He slipped inside of her like a perfect fit. He finally released his her hands only so that he could please her. When she was ready to finally climax he wrapped his hands tight around her neck in just the right way. Charlotte was in a trance of pleasure. Neurons firing in every direction in her brain. Pleasure going to every inch of her body. Afterwards she kissed Sam passionately and just lay there smiling. She had never met someone she clicked with on so many levels. Mental, Physical, intelligence, and more then likely religious. The problem was neither one of them was ready for nothing more than a casual relationship. At thirty its hard. Charlotte said her nightly prayer, rolled over and cut her sound machine on. Sam was actually staying the night this time.

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I have seen things I cannot unsee. I have second hand partaken in things I wish I could say I didn’t. All I was trying to do was help. Thats all I ever want to do is to help. My second day on the street was my last. OR so I thought. IT was the last day I would be out there begging although I did go back tonight to help and bring bags a friend helped me put together. Thats when I saw things I wish I could unsee. We will get to that. But first let me to you about Jason. Jason was this sweet boy, well guy. Probably my age. Who is homeless and lives on the streets. He has nothing. He has only himself. I took a liking to him on my first day. He walked by me and read my sign and said “yup, thats what I’m always saying”. So on my second day I figured I would see if he wanted to sit with me. Maybe a couple would make more money? And we could split it evenly? He agreed and we went down to the Sanger Theater. I got to know Jason. I got to know how sweet a soul he has. We had been in the heat for over an hour and I hadn’t eaten all day and I could only imagine. I had a few bucks on my LLR card and knew they had half off pizza at a downtown pizza place so I asked if he had eaten today…he didn’t say anything. He just up and left. He came back with subway and gave it to me. I asked where he got it he said “money”. Its true, the homeless take care of each other. I wish I hadn’t gotten the news I got tonight. Anyway that was just the beginning of Jason and mines adventure that night. We saw an Eagle Scout and I was able to say I was a Gold Award Recipient. Not sure how good that looks but I said it. It doesn’t matter what you do in your youth you can still make mistakes as an adult that can lead you to begging on the street and I hope his mother had a long talk with him and I wish I could have shared my story with him. I wish I had had the courage then instead of now. To tell him the mistakes I made and what not to do. Maybe thats what my book will be. A guide of what NOT to do. Seems fitting. I know everything that DOESN’T work. Jason and I also met a future congress man Phil Ehr. With whom I got to express my deep concern for the mentally ill and the homeless. He squatted down and got to our level and LISTENED TO US!!! How inspiring. I will definitely vote for him. NOT because of his party, not because of his opinions on anything but because of his compassion and the fact that he looked at me and treated me like a real person who had a real vote and a real opinion that mattered. Thats why. I hope one day he is our president and I get to look back on the time I met our president. With my friend Jason. Who will live forever in my heart. I may never get to say goodbye to him. I went back downtown after I left that night. Jason and I made out with $6 a piece. Which is good for 3 hours I suppose. Anyway I brought Jason a comforter I wasn’t using so that he wouldn’t be sleeping on cement. Well tonight when I went to deliver the bags my friend and I made up “Little momma” said he went to jail and they took his comforter. I blessed him with Rose oil that night in the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit. I don’t know if I did it right. If I did then may be jail saved him. He had a roof and three square meals a day. But I wouldn’t wish jail on anyone and they took the blanket I gave him. I hope they give it back or put it with his things. He is a real person. Those are his things. They may not be much but those are his! My heart hurts for selfish reasons. I wanted to see him one more time. I wanted to say goodbye. Knowing he is safe makes me feel good though. But I hurt. I hurt for what I saw tonight. I saw a lady do heroine. My high school sweet heart died of a heroine overdose. I told her that. I told her not to do too much. She told me not to give people any more money. I said “yes ma’am”. Knowing I had just contributed to the heroine she was smoking. Did I give her a lot of money? HELL NO. I don’t have much to give. She was making a point to a sweet naive little girl. The world is cruel. The world is sad. The world is broken. And my heart alone is not big enough to fix it. I have come to realize this and it breaks my heart even more. I can’t take anymore emotions tonight. I just wanted to deliver bags to the homeless. Not learn life lessons and have old wounds brought up and find out that a good friend will never know the impact he made on my life. Y’all take it one roe at a time. I’m off to bed for now.

 

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Sam came into his east hill apartment around 12:30am. He always felt terrible not staying the night at charlottes. But alas he was allergic to her cats. He threw his Iron and Wine record on and tossed his hand stitched brief case to the side. He was just as over today as Charolette was. Life on Wall Street wasn’t always what it was cracked up to be. It took a lot of work. Before he became a broker, Sam was a world traveling chef. He used to travel the world writing blogs about the different cultures and foods he encountered. What with that not making the rent and with his parents split he needed to do something else. He needed to grow up so to speak. Get a REAL job. Stop “playing” around as everyone called it. Charlotte always called it “art” and said he should always follow his dreams. Thats one of the things he loved so much about her. There was so much naivety to her. Like she had seen so much hurt and pain of the world that instead of it making her bitter and hostile it made her more of a lover. Sam however was not a lover by any means. Nor was he cold. He just didn’t show much emotion. Which wasn’t to say he didn’t have any.

Miles away across town Charlotte lay in her bed wishing she didn’t have cats listening to her own created station on pandora. It sucked sleeping alone in such a big big city. “I can’t wait to get back to the country”, Charlotte sighed out loud to any of her cats that would listen. If she did in fact lose her job she will have lost everything. She basically lived pay check to pay check anyway so this was going to hit hard. She knew would have to move back home. It was her only option. But how. How would this even be feasible? She didn’t even have money for a truck. Before she knew it she was dozing off at her laptop while trying to finish one more article to try and save her job. Would it work? She hoped it would. She loved her job. She was good at it. It was the first actual writing job she had ever gotten and she didn’t want to lose it now. There wasn’t many people at the “Daily Harold” that actually LIKED Charolette. She was sort of on the different side. She used the “L” word which scared people like they were cock roaches running from fire. All this weighed on Charlotte as she laid in bed staring up at the ceiling. She couldn’t even find a man who could stand to stay the night with her.

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There once was a girl who never in her life thought she would be coupled into all three categories but somehow she was. This is the story of how this all came to be.

So there she was just a tapping, tapping at her computer as Eric Clapton played in the background on her record player. She had to get this article in before her boss went a wall. This was the second time she was late for her article and it was all because she had been sick the past few months. Luckily she had been able to keep her job because she was such a great writer. Her long blonde hair fell carelessly over her face as she brushed it aside to hit the send button. Before she knew it her cat Hemingway had jumped on her computer and hit delete. She knew this was the last straw. She knew her job was done for. She literally had $300 in the bank and a pile of unopened mail. This was not good. Instead of losing her mind she grabbed her headphones, pulled her hair into a pony tail and went for a run downtown. On her run she passed many beggars on the street. Not knowing in the coming days this would be her. Not knowing she would be considered a prostitute by her own family. Not knowing any of this she ran. She ran so hard and fast. Sweat pouring down her face she imagining running from all the things stressing her out, her finances, her lack of stability, her on going mental health issues, her lack of resources and a support system, and finally her lack of love. She had never ran so hard in her life. When she made it back to her apartment there was a pleasant surprise waiting there for her. It was Sam. Sam was the guy she was seeing. He was a broker on wall street. They weren’t serious but that didn’t mean they didn’t like each other or respect each other. No one even said they didn’t have love for each other. They were just both at time in each others lives where a relationship didn’t fit. Sam always made Charlotte happy.

“How was your day” Sam asked as Charlotte got her keys from her shoelace.

“Fine I guess”, Even though she really wanted to say “it was awful, terrible, the cat freaking lost me my job probably but other than that I’m just great.”

You see Sam and Charlotte had only been together a couple of weeks so she didn’t feel exactly comfortable telling him EVERYTHING just yet.

“You look exhausted” Sam said as he caressed the charlottes lower back.

“YOU have NO idea” She exclaimed as they walked up the stairs to her apartment.

Before the key was in the lock they were in an embrace that not even nature itself could break. When the door opened Sam began to take Charlottes clothes off piece by piece and place in her dirty clothes hamper. He ran the shower for her. Once she was in the shower Sam decided to join her. Once he was in the shower with her their bodies became a blur of one through the fogged over glass shower door.