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waiting place

I have been headed for this path for a long time coming. Probably since I moved to FL. I finally arrived at the “The waiting place” last July. I am JUST NOW starting to find purpose again. It came to a point where I was almost done with things. I was ready to give up. The last thing my ex told me was “giving up got you to where you are now”. I wanted to feel what it was like to really give up considering I thought I was making progress in my life.  I was tired of being a burden on everyone I loved in my life, I was tired of feeling like all my friends and what family does speak to me was spent with me, and I was tired of being in so much pain. Now I’m not going to lie I am still in a great deal of pain and I still feel some of this to be true but I don’t feel taking my life would solve much of anything for anyone but myself. And thats selfish. Its ironic that I lead with a quote from one of my favorite children’s books. For a brief moment after I moved to Pensacola I had a boost of confidence and independence just being out of the same town as my ex. I met someone, I thought. He seemed great. We chatted a bit for probably two weeks before we met for the first time, he came over for game night and we went to eat before. I thought it went well. Then he was my date to pensacon. First of all he was super late, second I did not really have $45 for the ticket it cost to go but I really really didn’t want to pass up the chance to see him again. Then to make matters worse this is when I started to have really bad sleep issues. I had been on delivery the day before at 5:30am and then I didn’t sleep good that night so I was tired that day. The whole thing was a mess. And get this, he had to leave early! I was still willing to give him a chance y’all. I wanted to see him again. He made me laugh even though I was exhausted and I could see myself having a good time with him. Well long story short I never really heard from him after that. So to speak. Saturday night I finally ran into him which I knew would happen.

These photos were taken moments prior to me feeling like I was shunned out of a bar by a 29 year old and his friends. Tears were streaming down my face by the time I got to the end of the block. Partly from hurt feelings and partly from anger, how can people treat other humans like that31061344_454534938299959_506019268698951946_n31131391_454534978299955_5532980514717041447_n

Whats ironic is that he said his favorite book was “Oh the Places You’ll Go”. It may be BUT he’s missing the point of the book I fear. I won’t go into detail about what happened but no one should feel uncomfortable or like they don’t belong in a public place. giphy

When I got home I immediately fell into a dark place. I called the one person I knew would be there and could pull me out. My LuLaRoe sponsor. It had more to do with seeing this guy, having him and his friends laugh at me because I walked by to go to the bathroom, my horrific dating experiences, the things I wish I could change about the past, feeling like a burden to everyone around me and feeling no self worth at all and my ex not even acknowledging that I exist.  This next piece I wrote on Sunday. I went to mass (Catholic Church service) then I went to a baptist service and my sponsor told me what her sermon was about. They all focused on the same thing pretty much. YOU ARE LOVED. No matter what you’ve done you’re loved. st mari faustina

God loves us all. Despite our flaws, our past, our mistakes, what we did or didn’t do, how clean our house is, whether people make fun of us or not, He love us. God is the one person that will never abandon you. God lives within you therefore making you in essence God. Never abandon yourself. I have and its not fun. God is everywhere. I believe that. I am catholic but believe in energy healing, crystals, and the magic that yoga can do on the spirit and body. I have made so many mistakes you guys. I haven’t really updated or written because well I screwed up a good thing with Mr. Clean. Its almost been a year since this all happened. which my service is coming to an end. Hopefully I can update it. I regret what I did to him. He was a good guy and even if nothing serious was ever to become of us he didn’t deserve what I did and maybe karma is getting me back. Who knows. He supported me in my dreams and my goals, he believed in me. Something my ex never did. And I chose my ex still. Even though my ex was just using me and I knew it. Mr Clean wasn’t. We both really liked each other. Who knows what would have happened had I not been trying to see if my ex would ever change. They never do, or at least not for you. Maybe I will see MR. Clean again and it will be sweet and poetic. So thats my update guys. Not much else is going on. I work at Trulieve in pensacola. I sell my LuLaRoe, or try too. Its the only thing that kept me alive two weeks ago when I wanted to die. I had stuff to ship out and I thought “how are these ladies going to get their clothes?”. Terrible. But I’m here and I’m glad. I’m glad for the angels God has surrounded me with. I’m also starting IOP next week. I’ll leave you with my anthem right now. Take it one roe at a time!


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