I have a tendency to live in the past just as much as I do day dreaming about the future. Packing last night I ran into a letter to the ex written February of 2017. I would love to share it but it shares intimate details I shouldn’t share publicly. There was an issue that he may not even remember that I was really upset about him not taking my side on and apparently thats one of the main reasons I left. I just wanted someone on my side. Its okay to look back but staying there will only make you old and frail. I feel like I’m 100. I’m just now starting again to live in the present. I used to but then I got sick. And stuck in places I didn’t want to be.
I was stuck in the waiting place for sooo long. Waiting for anything something. I wasn’t doing anything proactive on my behalf. I was just waiting for something to happen that never did. Don’t be like me. Don’t waste your time waiting away. Do something. Be brave. Take the girl out! Ask the guy for coffee! Go rafting by yourself. Go for a hike alone even though it may sound scary. Don’t wait around for something to happen because I hate to be the bearer of bad news but its not going to. You will be stuck in the past forever and never fully appreciate the present moment. We are never promised tomorrow.
I often wonder if people have any idea whats on my mind when I stare off into oblivion. Its the curse of having BPD. Having a personality disorder is soooo different than having any other disease. I wish people understood that. I was told today by someone I highly respect that I don’t need to use my disease as an excuse and I need to take responsibly for my actions. Here is where I have an issue with this. I admit I could do better. I admit my faults, I admit I am trying my hardest. My DISEASE is PART of my PERSONALITY. There are some things that I couldn’t help even if I wanted to. They can be good aspects about me but they can also be really bad. For more info on borderline please click on This Link. It has a lot of great info. I try to take responsibility in my relationships but again I’m not perfect.
Alas but we must get back to it. I have less than 30 days to pack, finish my taxes, make loads of money (yea right lol), get my cars registration renewed, and finally find a job in Columbus MS. Life is happening. And its happing now. Not in the past or the future but NOW. It may be cheesy but its true lol Life is happening NOW!!! lololol
With all that being said, I will make it to the other side of all this its a matter of how bad is it going to hurt? How many scars will I have? How broke will my heart be? Only time will tell.