I am about to start my life all over again where I thought my life was just beginning six years ago. I was sadly disappointed. This was his favorite picture of us. You can burn all the pictures you want but you can’t burn the cloud unfortunately. Or at least I don’t know how to. Memories aren’t always bad. It wasn’t always bad. When I was healthy he was a good man. When I got sick I guess so did he. Can I truly blame him. As I have grown over the past year I’ve learned sometimes people have to let you go and you have to let people go to take care of yourself and that doesn’t mean you don’t love them it just means you sort of have to love yourself more. And yes it sucks and it hurts and its not fun at all. I know from having to be the one to LET go and having been the that was let GO…it sucks. Life in general if full of mostly these terrible awful things and mixed with this amazing beauty if you can look closely enough. I was lucky to have the time I did with him. I was lucky for the lessons he taught me. I was lucky and blessed to have been near my sister for most of our relationship. Which begs the question….was she my grounding cord. Sisters are soooo important.
My sister has basically came down from heaven like the arch angel Michael and saved me by the grace of God by giving me a roof over my head when I make it to Columbus MS. I know I’m meant to be there. I feel in my heart strings God pulling me there. Back to where it all began. I don’t need to be where it ended. I need to be where I was when there was no “him”. When there was only ME! I know in my heart of hearts I am getting well and that soon I will be independent again and he will miss out on the very best part of me. He will regret not sticking around for those bad times. And just so you know I CHOSE to leave. Just so thats clear. He wanted me to be independent and well I guess I took it a little too far. The thing is rock bottom is what I NEEDED. I would have never seen anywhere near rock bottom with him. He liked toys and expensive things. I need to simplify my life. Not have fancy “things”. Things will only fill your heart so much. And I’m not even sure its your heart its filling.
I wish I could share my heart with the world. I wish I could share all the love it has in it. I also wish I could show the world all the hurt it sees so they would have compassion for others. Maybe then the world would be a better place?
This morning I called my mother to tell her that I had a Kate Spade phone cover and it made me happy and sad all at the same time and when I did she told me that Anthony Bourdain killed himself as well. I burst into tears. Satan immediately said “do it”. “You’ll go out with the legends”. But heres the thing guys. I haven’t even had a chance to become a legend and while its sad and Anthony was a hero of mine and it really hurts I can’t do that to the people I love and most importantly I can’t cheat myself or my God out of potential good I may do the world.
Whats truly sad about all of this is the man I fell in love with is now a mean bitter person who wants nothing to do with me and shows me nothing but anger. Do I deserve that? Maybe? But does any human deserve to be treated in that manner?
DPL please come back…to where it all began. One day. I have a year of discernment.