Do I believe in love at first SIGHT? No way! Thats something out of books or movies, a fairy tale. Not something that happens in real life. What can happen in real life though is meeting someone for the first time and instantly having a connection. Having a sense of comfort around them that you don’t feel with everyone else. The ability to be open and honest and not shy and embarrassed. Having things in common that you don’t have with everyone else or that you haven’t had with anyone else prior. Fierce chemistry like someone had just doused both of you in baking soda and vinegar. The urge to want to get to know them on a deeper level. That can happen. And I know this because it happened to me.
I didn’t expect it nor was I planning on it. Here I am minding my own business, well I WAS on a dating site but the guy said he was only in town for one more night so I figured, no harm, no foul. I’ll show him around town on his last night and maybe have some decent company and at least I’ll get a meal out of it. I know, I know but hey it’s true. I got WAY more than I bargained for. For starters he has a smile that can warm an entire room. That’s what I noticed first. The second thing I noticed was he was genuine. He complemented my outfit and my necklace and I could tell he meant it. He was engaging. The next thing I noticed was how much we had in common. We had an amazing night. I got to show him Tennessee Williams house which was so cool because we are both writers. We played pool and listened to the juke box. It was perfect. The only thing that could have made it better was for it to have lasted longer. And for me to have known about open mic night since he’s a musician.
That’s one of my favorites.
While he’s extremely talented, and we had an amazing night together he still had to go back home. Where’s home you ask. FL. How’s that for irony. The place I just left. Although I reckon if I weren’t here we wouldn’t have met. So I’m glad I was here. He plans to visit in January before he starts classes and I suppose we shall just wait and see what becomes of things. I am glad to have the opportunity to still continue to work on myself though and not have to be all inthralled in someone else immediately. But y’all I hadn’t even met the man and he got me to clean out the passenger side of my car. Thats progress. I mean it was still dirty but not nearly in comparison to what it was. Even the slightest thought of being with him makes me want to do better and be better and if it doesn’t work out, oh well. I tried. And thats what counts. I wasn’t even really expecting to meet someone so this is totally out of the blue for me. But like the Monty Python boys say “Nobody expects a Spanish inquisition.” How I’ll handle the Spanish inquisition, well, I’ll keep you informed.
If anything sums up my dating life its this GIF. The dating scene here in Columbus MS is about as broad as my knowledge in theoretical mathematics. We ain’t getting no where. I feel like I’m going to be single forever and I may very well be. My mom even said she was signing me up for Catholic Singles.com. Surely thats a joke at my expense right?! I’m horrified at the thought that I’m getting to the age where my parents are wanting to set me up. On an online dating site. I almost asked for three months of eharmony for Christmas. I can bet I would have gotten it. I think it hurts my parents to see me this single than it hurts me. Honestly most days I’m too stressed out avoiding the bill collectors and wondering if I’m going to have enough to keep the lights on to be worried about dating. But again I’m a year away from thirty so it is on my mind. I am female. I’m on every dating site known to man kind and nothing around here brings any luck. I thought I got lucky the other day. Cute guy, we had been texting for a while, come to find out he’s got a girlfriend. Why on Gods green earth this man was on the most obscure dating site but still. Why. MY LUCK is why. He says he’s looking for friends and something about gender roles. I have no idea, I was lost at “I have a girl friend”. Rightly so.
So if you’re looking forward to my sex in the city esc writing style I had in Pensacola you can kiss that dream goodbye. I sure have. That will not exist here. The only thing that exists here is loneliness and cat memes. And sad sappy Match box 20 songs.
I apparently want to push myself around because I landed myself in the zone of no return when it comes to dating. I don’t want to be alone forever but for now I’m stuck with me. And thats okay. My age is not but I’m overall okay with being alone. I’m honestly so busy I don’t have time to think about it and I’m so concerned with keeping my head on my shoulders its in the furthest reach of my brain, yes I’m lonely and yes I miss cuddling and kissing and what not but most of all I miss having someone to tell how my day was. And just go over what happened. I don’t have that. I’ve got to find that in myself. Maybe one day I will have that again in someone else but for now I’ll have to settle for the best. ME.
I had to post this. The title of this blog is the name of a book about BPD. I can’t tell you how terrible it is having this disorder. I feel abandoned all the time. Sometimes for legit reasons sometimes for reasons that mean nothing. One day on this blog I got over 70 views. Now I barely get 20. Please share this. Share my story. Help someone. Someone can benefit from what I talk about I just know it. I don’t know who but someone will.
You see I am not BEING abandoned necessarily but I am ABANDONING people I care about. I am leaving people that care immensely about me and that I care immensely about. And it hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever get married now. I may be wrong but in the sense of the word I don’t think it will happen. I’ll never have a pretty white dress, I’ll never walk down any isle, and thats fine with me. I’m OKAY with that. Really I am. I’VE EVEN LOVED SOMEONE ENOUGH TO CONSIDER THE THOUGHT OF REHOMING MY CATS AT SOME POINT. LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. Love in the sense of things can work if two people are willing to work at it and give and take. Is there chemistry? Do they make you happy? Do they fit your spiritual needs? Are they on your maturity level? OR are they on the way there. I am not in the place or time for a relationship and I know that and I’m okay with that. I still have growing to do. Thats why I’m moving to the very first place I was on my own. I made myself then and I can make myself now. I know I can. Professor Lupin has given plenty of tools and even has taught me how to produce a very very nice protonus charm. Also the beauty of chocolate which in our world is records. He has been so amazing and such a blessing and I hope he shows up in chapters to come in my life but shall he not I will always come to back to this one and look back with fondness.
We all know I feel too much. We all know that. Well one reason I feel abandoned is my followers on this blog have drastically dropped. My views and likes. But ya know what at least someone SOMEONE cares enough to take the time to read this and follow my story and my growth. I accomplished something great today. I did something by myself that I really didn’t want to do and was talked into the courage by professor Lupin himself. I asked him to go with me and I don’t think its that he didn’t want to I think he wanted me to overcome a fear which I did with grace and poise and there was even a frog involved lol. I should have snapped a photo.. maybe next time.
For those of you that read this and follow me I hope it touches your soul like it touches mine to write it. I have love for the whole world so know that I have love for you too even though I may not know you. My heart is with you.
Why am I pacing my house? Why can’t I sit still? Why can’t I pack and clean? Why can’t I focus like I did last night? I had a good day yesterday. I had a bad day today thats why. But, theres a but. I have something to look forward to tomorrow. I get to see professor Lupin. Even though things aren’t serious and he’s just a friend, he makes me laugh and he makes me smile, he’s been a great friend. I hate to go but I’m excited for the adventure ahead. I wish he could come but thats not how life works. And I know that. I’m okay with that. I’m grateful to have someone to have a release with and share in confidence with things going on in my life. I appreciate that he accepts me for who I am, which is not perfect, getting better everyday but not perfect. He knew from the get go I was going through things. (hahahahaha don’t read into this video please I’m just now listening to the actual video and I’m like omg this is terrible. The song on pandora is not like this so I’m finding another version because this is awful. Or maybe I should leave it because its funny and its raw and its me and it has nothing to do with anything. I just like the song.} I’ve been a liar, I’ve been a cheat, I’ve been it all. Thats the point I was trying to make. Its cool the video was an interview as well. Never judge someone. If that song teaches you anything is to not judge someone, try and love beyond all reason. Even when it makes no sense. So it does have relevance. Be like professor Lupin. Be accepting and kind. He is kind. He is a chapter I will remember fondly. Bookmarked with laughs and new experiences.
And that is the truth right there. Right freakin there. Kapaow. Me in a quote. Lupin is allergic to cats if you can ironically imagine that so I have to decat my home. Its very satisfying to deep clean almost weekly lol but honestly because of that I only clean when he comes over because then I just super clean so yea kind of need to break that habit. At least I’ve acknowledged it and I’m getting better at it actually. Mopped my floors before work the other day lol so props to me. Why am I productive one minute and super lethargic the next, well for one I do have genetic condition in which I don’t absorb B vitamins or folic acid. That could attribute to it. I haven’t eaten much today either since I’m so broke and finally today just flat out sucked but knowing how much fun tomorrow will be is exciting and motivates me to finish this and clean!!!!
Sooo I started to Journal again and I think its super important. I can phase out the unnecessary and provide the necessary. Or rather just have a personal outlet. Everyone should journal. Its flat out healthy. It will help you not forget. Remembering is IMPORTANT. I forget all the time especially being soooo stressed out. Memory loss is one of the number one symptoms of major stress. I picked up someone else’s phone at work today you guys. Thinking it was mine. WTH. I’m that freakin stressed. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. God only knows what this person thinks about me now. Anyway journal so you don’t pick up someone else’s phone lol
There are Five hierarchy types of love in this world. They all have different importances in our lives and its important to know about these loves and have understanding of them. They are as follows and in no particular order; love of self, friendship love, romantic love, hard love, unconditional love, and tough love. I am going to talk to you about these five loves and there importance in ones life and how they have effected my life as of recently. My hope and prayer is that someone out there gains some wisdom or insight from this blog post. Eventually this will be a book but for now a blog will have to do. Shall we begin?
Okay so this one is tough, no pun intended for some people to swallow. Me included but it may possibly be the most important one. Without tough love we would not be able to grow as people in our maturity. Tough love is meant to help us. There is a BUT there are snakes among the sheep that try to give us tough love that although they appear to mean well, when you know someone is suicidal and you tell them you think suicide is okay in some cases, maybe not the best tough love. And now they have abandoned me. They also made some really bad decisions I stood by and was supportive over and even supported the advancement in work. But snakes are everywhere. Snakes bite, they hurt, their venom is meant to kill, will it kill me? I don’t have an answer for that. Its up for debate. Then there is tough love by your Angels. The people who love you enough to tell you the things you NEED to hear but don’t want to. LIKE you need to do the dishes, get up, we care. We love you. We want you around. Put them big girl panties on and do the damn thing. Heavens knows why or what was going through Kate Spades mind but I can tell you in any industry their are snakes EVERYWHERE. AND THEY HURT!!! I am on a line myself. Between being selfish or staying because of the second love I’m going to talk about.
As a tiny child I remember wearing a bubble gum shirt and dancing around my den of the house I grew up in, I was probably 5 years old. I was singing “I love the whole world, I love the whole world” over and over and over and over. Somehow, I don’t know how but I have managed to fit just about the whole world in my heart space and I’m only 28. I have an immense understanding of unconditional love. I even love the snakes that hurt us so bad it hurts to breathe. Even snakes need love. Unconditional love is loving someone when they don’t deserve it nor will it ever go away. Its mostly associated with family members but I have a heart as big as this world As big as the universe even. If I could sacrifice everything to make the world a better place I would. Alas I don’t think it works that way. Maybe one day when Jesus returns everything will be okay but until then try and love unconditionally when you can. Everyone deserves a chance. NO ONE deserves hate or abandonment. Which leads us right into.
You CANNOT survive without this love. This love keeps you grounded above all else. Knowing people care about you is so so important. I can’t even explain to you the love I have in my heart for this woman and this little girl. They are filled with so much of Gods joy and love to spread. I have been so bleed to have them in my life. Someone to pray with, someone to talk me logically when I’m being irrational, someone to hold me when the tears won’t stop and I can’t breathe. A little girl who cried because she thought it was the last time she would see me. That is LOVE. NOT someone trying to undermine you or point out every single flaw you have. NOT someone who kicks you when you’re already 12 feet under. All you need to do is cover me with the dirt. I understand you have to cut out toxic people. I am not toxic. I am sad. I am sick. I need love. I need friends. I have love to give and I may not be able to clean your house but I can make you laugh like Robin Williams would have. I have a good heart and I don’t deserve what I have been served in life. Life isn’t fair I know this but you would think as much LOVE as I have spread into this world some of it would make its way back to me. I have seen glimpses. That is it. Here is one.
Some people get to meet their soul mates. I did. I just didn’t survive the relationship. I bailed ship before the damn thing sank. I still consider myself lucky. He was a nerd like me, he was an introvert like me but still liked to go out every now and then. Like I said before when I was WELL he was a good man, when I got SICK, he went away. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANTIC LOVE. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF. THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. Its the heartbreak of losing it that can defeat you and nearly kill you. Knowing someone you love with everything will either see you turn to ash or become the greatest thing is terrifying. And its a lot of pressure to be honest. I know what he expects to happen. He thinks I’ll be a statistic. Will I?
I purposely saved the most important for last. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect anyone else to love you at all. You just can’t. Thats the simple hard facts. You have to look in the mirror and accept who you are for all of your flaws your imperfections. Your adult acne, your pouch, the days when you don’t feel like shaving, you nervous ticks that maybe no one gets, your awkward ways of blurting things out. YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYTHANG! And honey I do. Thats not my issue. My issue is I beat myself up. I feel like I owe the world and everyone else this huge debt of myself and if I can’t live up to it, it eats away at me like some disease. I’m beyond a people pleaser. I LOVE people. I want them to know that. I’ll show it anyway I can. I feel like I fail because I get abandoned sooo sooo much. Honestly I think I will die of broken heart disease. My heart literally aches I’m in so much pain. In the 28 years of my life I’ve never been so sad. I literally have 6 people in my area (who are NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE. who I may see once a week, one or two of them if I’m lucky) that I truly feel appreciated and loved in some way. Thats not a lot. Most people have way more of a support system than I do. Most people live with a support system. I do not. I have me and thats it and honestly guys I don’t know if I’m enough.
I am about to start my life all over again where I thought my life was just beginning six years ago. I was sadly disappointed. This was his favorite picture of us. You can burn all the pictures you want but you can’t burn the cloud unfortunately. Or at least I don’t know how to. Memories aren’t always bad. It wasn’t always bad. When I was healthy he was a good man. When I got sick I guess so did he. Can I truly blame him. As I have grown over the past year I’ve learned sometimes people have to let you go and you have to let people go to take care of yourself and that doesn’t mean you don’t love them it just means you sort of have to love yourself more. And yes it sucks and it hurts and its not fun at all. I know from having to be the one to LET go and having been the that was let GO…it sucks. Life in general if full of mostly these terrible awful things and mixed with this amazing beauty if you can look closely enough. I was lucky to have the time I did with him. I was lucky for the lessons he taught me. I was lucky and blessed to have been near my sister for most of our relationship. Which begs the question….was she my grounding cord. Sisters are soooo important.
My sister has basically came down from heaven like the arch angel Michael and saved me by the grace of God by giving me a roof over my head when I make it to Columbus MS. I know I’m meant to be there. I feel in my heart strings God pulling me there. Back to where it all began. I don’t need to be where it ended. I need to be where I was when there was no “him”. When there was only ME! I know in my heart of hearts I am getting well and that soon I will be independent again and he will miss out on the very best part of me. He will regret not sticking around for those bad times. And just so you know I CHOSE to leave. Just so thats clear. He wanted me to be independent and well I guess I took it a little too far. The thing is rock bottom is what I NEEDED. I would have never seen anywhere near rock bottom with him. He liked toys and expensive things. I need to simplify my life. Not have fancy “things”. Things will only fill your heart so much. And I’m not even sure its your heart its filling.
I wish I could share my heart with the world. I wish I could share all the love it has in it. I also wish I could show the world all the hurt it sees so they would have compassion for others. Maybe then the world would be a better place?
This morning I called my mother to tell her that I had a Kate Spade phone cover and it made me happy and sad all at the same time and when I did she told me that Anthony Bourdain killed himself as well. I burst into tears. Satan immediately said “do it”. “You’ll go out with the legends”. But heres the thing guys. I haven’t even had a chance to become a legend and while its sad and Anthony was a hero of mine and it really hurts I can’t do that to the people I love and most importantly I can’t cheat myself or my God out of potential good I may do the world.
Whats truly sad about all of this is the man I fell in love with is now a mean bitter person who wants nothing to do with me and shows me nothing but anger. Do I deserve that? Maybe? But does any human deserve to be treated in that manner?
DPL please come back…to where it all began. One day. I have a year of discernment.
I have a tendency to live in the past just as much as I do day dreaming about the future. Packing last night I ran into a letter to the ex written February of 2017. I would love to share it but it shares intimate details I shouldn’t share publicly. There was an issue that he may not even remember that I was really upset about him not taking my side on and apparently thats one of the main reasons I left. I just wanted someone on my side. Its okay to look back but staying there will only make you old and frail. I feel like I’m 100. I’m just now starting again to live in the present. I used to but then I got sick. And stuck in places I didn’t want to be.
I was stuck in the waiting place for sooo long. Waiting for anything something. I wasn’t doing anything proactive on my behalf. I was just waiting for something to happen that never did. Don’t be like me. Don’t waste your time waiting away. Do something. Be brave. Take the girl out! Ask the guy for coffee! Go rafting by yourself. Go for a hike alone even though it may sound scary. Don’t wait around for something to happen because I hate to be the bearer of bad news but its not going to. You will be stuck in the past forever and never fully appreciate the present moment. We are never promised tomorrow.
I often wonder if people have any idea whats on my mind when I stare off into oblivion. Its the curse of having BPD. Having a personality disorder is soooo different than having any other disease. I wish people understood that. I was told today by someone I highly respect that I don’t need to use my disease as an excuse and I need to take responsibly for my actions. Here is where I have an issue with this. I admit I could do better. I admit my faults, I admit I am trying my hardest. My DISEASE is PART of my PERSONALITY. There are some things that I couldn’t help even if I wanted to. They can be good aspects about me but they can also be really bad. For more info on borderline please click on This Link. It has a lot of great info. I try to take responsibility in my relationships but again I’m not perfect.
Alas but we must get back to it. I have less than 30 days to pack, finish my taxes, make loads of money (yea right lol), get my cars registration renewed, and finally find a job in Columbus MS. Life is happening. And its happing now. Not in the past or the future but NOW. It may be cheesy but its true lol Life is happening NOW!!! lololol
With all that being said, I will make it to the other side of all this its a matter of how bad is it going to hurt? How many scars will I have? How broke will my heart be? Only time will tell.
There once was a girl named Kathleen who lived in world where she thought she could somehow make everything wrong in the world right but somewhere along the way her heart got so broken that she forgot what it was like to make something right much less herself. So she had to fix herself. Once she was fixed she could start her mission of fixing the wrong of the world. Slowly but surly she got strong enough to start to fix the wrongs. The logician was now in charge of the magician.
Annnnnywaay now that that song is over. Irony. All of this is Irony. My karaoke song. See me singing it by clicking this hilarious URL lol Ironic by Katie Scheel I clearly can’t sing but thats the irony or karaoke is you’re not supposed to be good at it. you’re supposed to have fun. Life is a journey. Everyone we meet either is put there to love us forever and be a forever person or to teach us something about ourselves. Its up you to determine what thats going to be and with who. YOU determine who you let in your heart and who you reveal your secrets to. Its YOU who decides who comes with your soul when you leave somewhere or when it comes to making friends or relationships in general. I missed out on learning the most intimate thing about the person I spent almost 5 years with. Who HE REALLY was and Ya know what he missed out and see ME too. And its a shame. I’m on my journey to becoming a school counselor and he’s on his journey. We missed our chance. I’m over him. I’m not over what I missed out on. NOT him lol don’t get me confused. The chance to bond with someone on that level. In todays society though thats soooo sooo sooo common for a couple to not even know each other. I’m sooo glad he never asked me to marry him. I’m so glad I left. I’m glad for BOTH our sake. Maybe another time or something but he had no idea who I was and vise versa. Thats not love..thats not a love God would want. I do want a Godly love. I do have my temptations and my sins and I’ll confess that but ultimately I would like to end up with someone who wants to raise kids in a Godly manner. Thats just me. Anyway its getting late so with that being said.
I will choose to be someone important. It is so hard. It is so hard not to give up. If you ever read this, this song is for you. DPL Was it ever? I have been crying the last 12 hours straight almost. How is that possible? HOW? HOW? How does one have that many tears to cry? I am moving and that is a huge step for me. That ends so much for me. That means so much is over. My job, my LuLaRoe here at least, my friends, the few I have here, the life I’ve built. My world is just falling apart around me and all I can do is watch. I am standing on a rock in the middle of the ocean, lost. Moving will solve nothing. It will only solve some of the finical burdens. Its me thats broken. I let a heart break BREAK ME. It broke me. I HURT so badly. I GUESS knowing where the sadness is coming from helps. Its a starting point.
My plan is to get a job in Columbus MS and enroll in the community college there for the fall. I WANT to be a school counselor. I WILL be a school counselor. I AM FINALLY NOT WASTING MY TIME WAITING. WAITING FOR SOMETHING THATS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. THERE ARE NO RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES, THERE IS NO PRINCE COMING.
I can’t help how much I love when I love someone. ONCE I love you I love you FOREVER. I can’t stop it, its just how my heart works. I’m not in love with you anymore I just have love for you. HOPEFULLY there are other people out there that love like that. Love and the potential for loss will always be wherever I go. I’m not ready for anything but casual but I DON’T even want that in Columbus. I WANT to be alone there. A hermit. I DON’T ever want to leave my house. I PROBABLY won’t. I want to learn to depend on no one but me. I’m tired of relying on others. I know its okay to need help. I get that. I get that I’m not all together well but I’m tired of all the sympathy, I’m tired of straining my friendships, I’m tired of losing friends. I’m tired of being am issue. Thats one reason I don’t want to be here on planet earth. I’m always always a problem. And I’m tired of it.
Was it me?
Was it you?
Was it the words you said or HOW you said them?
I talk a lot of crap lets be honest, about my ex. He said things when he shouldn’t have and I have no idea if he’s sorry for that or not. He won’t talk to me anymore. I should let it go but I can’t. Its this tether I can’t release myself from. I’m scared of what will happen if I do. I shy away from guys that would actually want anything real. I run into the arms of anything thats temporary. I know these things about me. I know I’m not alone. I feel the love of those that I’m with for others. It hurts but I know I’m not alone. My parents discourage my writing and my blog but for me everyone needs to know they aren’t alone. Everyone has these issues. EVERYONE.
My sweet Toothlees is watching as I write this. This cat was “our” cat. We got him together. He picked him out. He is all I have left aside from a box and memories and a pendant my mom bought from me to help pay bills. I cry everyday if not out loud inside because I miss him so much. My bones ache to see his smile. To see his crystal blue eyes. To hear him say “I love you…..sometimes”. I would trade a thousand wishes just to speak to him again. I think my Toothless knows I’m sad. He’s laying on my Sacral chakra. Now he’s loving on my hands as I type this. Cats can sense things. So can I. I read people very well.
I love my Job and I don’t want to leave, I love my doctors and I don’t want to leave. I have a support system here but I woke up to zero account and .39 to my name and realized my checkbook was stolen and fraudulent check was written and an auto draft I didn’t authorize was charged. All that being said I probably won’t have rent for June soooo yea moving may happen for me.
I just don’t want to disappoint the people who wanted to see me make it here.