The real reason I’m leaving FL is really so complicated. The last words DPL said to me was “Giving up got you to where you are now”. Was he talking about Pensacola? Was he talking about the little ghetto I live in. My neighbors are actually really nice. What was he referring to. That statement has eaten away at me since I moved here in February and I guess thats when I started to not be myself at work and things started to fail for me at work. When things start going downhill at your job its never good and I was doing soooo well. Sooo so well. It was totally my thing. I was great at it. I let one phrase haunt me. And I think it was meant to do that. I don’t know. I’ll never know because he has since cut off all communication with me. Was he referring to my life in general? Was he saying my life now sucked? What was he getting at? I still had some brief hope for LOVE between us because there was so much history between us and I always envisioned being with him the rest of my life. So I stayed in FL. There were a couple of MINOR/MAJOR reasons too I stayed. My doctors were here. But now that I know there is no hope for me and DPL and no hope for me at a job I loved sooo sooo very much I am going back to where it all started. Columbus MS. Not everyone knows my story. This is where you’ll hear my story. One day I’ll compile it into a book with the help of an editor. But for now it is a blog. A blog about writing whatever I feel is relevant at the time in my life. Right now figuring out WHY I am leaving is relevant. Am I running away?
Me and one of my best friends tried to get down to the root of why things broke down at my job but I left out the haunting phrase my ex left with me with because it wasn’t until this morning it hit me how relevant that was to me. I will however always find people in the work environment that don’t like me and maybe even choose to make fun of me. Some people never grow up. I need to take that like the strong woman I am and not let it get to me like I did. But little did these co workers know I had soooo much more going on. And I can’t fault that for that. I also need to stop talking things so personal. Not everything is a personal shot. Also we know there will be douche bags everywhere you go. The thing is I’m choosing not to date when I go to Columbus. Like AT ALL. NO ONE. NOT EVEN MY CELEBRITY CRUSH. I will be single for a year. I’m old I know. Its probably not the wisest choice since I do want kids and a family one day should that be the path God has for me but ya know, maybe its not. And thats okay. I’m okay with that.
This song is my legit anthem right now. Its my song. Bebe Rexha gets me. I have been STUCK these past couple of days. I didn’t help the homeless. I didn’t do anything good but go to confession. Which I don’t think the penance fits the crime but that isn’t for me to decide. I will do my penance times three. I have done so much to hurt people that obviously people hate me enough to not even want to say good bye to me. My going away party was last night and not one soul from work showed up. Not one single soul cared enough to show up. Does it hurt, hell yes it hurts worse than a fire ant sting, but did I expect it, yes. Why, because I feel like I deserve it. I deserve pain somehow and for some reason. I am very depressed right now and I have been since Friday morning. I think because I knew that no one was going to show up. I legit had a break down in front of the friends that did come. It wasn’t many but I let it ruin part of my night and obviously my Saturday. I loaded nothing for LuLaRoe which I could have made money on because I was depressed. I was sleepy so I slept. I wanted to pack so I packed. Then I slept. I cried because I wanted to. Then I slept some more then cleaned my house for a party that never happened and then it didn’t and today has been sort of the same. I did post in my VIP group and go to church so that has to count for something. And I’m still packing and cleaning. I’m just doing nothing for myself thats going to help get myself out of the hole I’m in because for some reason I feel like I deserve to be in this hole and that someone should just bury me. I can only say I’m sorry so much.
I have so many things my heart wants to say to so many people right now its overwhelming to have the damn thing in my chest right now. There is nothing I can do and I have to live with that. I have to use “coping” skills because apparently this is just life. And I need to “suck it up”. Even Professor Lupin has been acting Warewolfish. Which is to be expected of course. WE ALL KNOW HARRY COULD NEVER KEEP A DARK ARTS TEACHER LOLOLOL and I guess that stands true for me as well. Nor do I know if I want one to be honest.
I pray daily, moment to moment now actually that I make it to Columbus. Right now I don’t have the funds and I have no idea where to get the funds but something has to happen for me good right. I have put SOME GOOD out there. And with a box of jewelry just gone and all that I’ve been through you would imagine a miracle could happen just this once. I picture myself in my sisters rental. Walking in with the keys and unpacking all my stuff. I imagine hanging things on the wall and my cats getting settled in. I can picture it all and it makes me so happy I could cry because I just don’t know how I’m going to get there. I tremble with fear knowing I have to get my stuff out of this house by next weekend come hell or high water and I have no idea where I’m going to be. The streets? Columbus? A friends? Where will I end up? A great writer must live a great adventure but dang I wasn’t expecting this…..
I don’t know how anyone can see a homeless person and not look down. If only for a second. We all know major cities and towns are going to be full of them that is just life. IT is what being below the poverty line has done, its what not being able to qualify for disability when someone really needs it gets turned down, its what being mentally ill and not being able to get help does to a person. Its HELL. I have lived it now. BRIEFLY but I have been behind the sign and will go behind the sign again today. Not for me but for THEM. The ones who have no one to look them in the eyes. The ones who remember my face because I had given them money and talked to them before. THEY REMEMBERED ME!!! And now when I have nothing to give they are helping me out telling me times to come back and when to come and trying to take care of me. There is such a strong calling in me to help these people. More so then to make money for my moving truck. If I make money for my moving truck thats fabulous but if not then God will provide some other way. I just know it. So do you want to know what it was like behind the sign? What it felt like to beg for money with a guitar and a case for 3 hours in the hot FL heat? Do you want to know what that feels like? What it taste like? What it sounds like? Listen close and I’ll tell you.
I started my journey later than I had intended to. Headed out, parked a good 8 blocks away from where I wanted to be sitting. First of all a guitar is heavy, so is a catholic Bible, (ya know, all those extra books lol) and then my water bottle. ITs FL so its HOT as all get out. Like I could have friend an egg on the cement had I had an egg. Anyway I’m walking down Palofax and I come upon a dang riot. Well riot is not a good word. “Gathering” “Supporters” with picket signs and the likes about SOMETHING. I don’t keep up with the news y’all. Its sad. I have enough sadness in my life. Something about supporting a congress man and I know they didn’t like Trump too much. I went LIVE with it on Facebook. I thought it was neat to walk up on that on my way to do this. So I watched that for a bit and then kept walking. I came upon a regular lady. A homeless lady who plays the guitar. She complemented mine and I said I would love to start a band. Haha apparently they prefer to work alone but I took no offense she told me where I could go. So I went down there. Along the way I passed another couple. They remembered me from when I had money and I used to always give them a dollar or a smoke. This time it was me on the other side. They were shocked. I’m sure a lot of them were. I assured them it was not a joke. WHO WOULD SIT IN THAT HEAT FOR A JOKE. Plus I would never want to take advantage of someone like that. So I sat below the Sanger theater sign. I played, and played and played, and played. People would walk by and not even look down. I would tear up. I was shocked someone didn’t call the cops on me for having an emotional break down on the street of Palofax. I’m a quiet crier though. I was crying not only for myself but the whole world of homeless people. They don’t even get treated like they are human. I had so many people cross the street just to avoid me. Do you know how that made me feel. The worst was when someone would reach in their pocket like they were going to give me something and I got excited and then they didn’t and I realized they put their hand in their pocket for protection. I would never take from someone else. And besides unless I use “the force” how am I supposed to get into your pocket?!? People are sooo weird. And its the little things that hurt and hell I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it. Do we realize how the small actions we do impact people on such a large scale. This is temporary for me I hope for them it is not. They have to live this everyday. The sounds were muted. I just heard my own thoughts and my guitar. I really don’t recall hearing anything else. The taste was dry and bitter. The feeling was awful. The concert was hot and my feet kept going to sleep and because I hadn’t eaten I couldn’t stand up. It was terrible. I was getting dehydrated NO ONE offered me water. Can we not show some compassion. I sang last night Palms 49 and I got $1 and finally had this creepy dude leave me alone. It was from a young boy. Teach your kids right. This little boy will never know what he did. That $1 didn’t go towards my moving truck. It went towards body wash for the homeless people of Palofax street. Supplies I’m bringing them tonight. I hope to make enough for a truck but this is for them not me. I’m bringing everything I can and hope it works. My bible and their stuff and my guitar is all I need. Wish me luck you guys!!!
As I sit here and think of what else I can sell to make money I consider taking myself to the main strip with my guitar and trying to make a few bucks singing and dancing, I would bring my bible and just do and say what the Lord said. I would make a sign that said “Homeless unless I can afford a moving truck in a week, will not strip.” I don’t know what else to do. The fact of the matter is I will be homeless if I don’t get a moving truck. I was laying here sobbing and thinking if today would be a good day to die. I know morbid but just a thought and I realized it was mine and my high school sweet hearts anniversary. We lost our virginities together so he is super special in my heart and is no longer with us. I whispered “Happy anniversary Will” and the one song he always said was about me came on my pandora so I knew he heard.
You may not believe in the afterlife but I do. I know he heard me. Its been a year and a half since I lost him. I have taken hit after hit after hit. My child hood best friend is no longer with me. The man who took me in as his own is no longer here. So many lost loves. So much pain. And now to bear the thought of becoming homeless the only thing I have is my faith. That is what Will tried so hard to cling to. And thats what I shall cling to. I will bring my guitar that he talked me into getting and go down to Palofax street and sing and dance and play with my bible and just sing and hope people tip me for being goofy. I don’t see myself as a beggar in the street, well maybe I am but I will provide entertainment I can guarantee that lol I still haven’t decided if begging on the street will really solve anything. When you’ve hit rock bottom you’re brain goes into overdrive trying to think of ideas on which how you can survive. Survival and not on the streets is the one thing you have got to keep in mind. And how to be moral about all of it. Someone told me to steal napkins from places, y’all I can’t even do that. I can’t even do that. If they give me extra thats fine. But I won’t steal. I’ll ask. Hell I can’t even afford fast food to get the extra damn napkins lol so no I’m not running in Taco Bell taking some napkins and running out. Nope. Not going to happen. I figure 5 will be a good time to go down to Palofax. I’ve got to tune my guitar. Is this really a good idea?
I would like to metaphorically be the “great king” and not the “street beggar”. My “thought world” was so sick for so long that I go so screwed up finically that now that I’m well I can’t get my head above water. I know its my own fault but I just want to breathe. Maybe I need to hit homeless shock bottom. I can still write my blog at coffee shops. I’ll stink lol but I can do it. I’ll start over and get a job somewhere. I don’t know just thinking about the worse case scenario. Being on the streets is a very very scary thought. But its a very real thought.
I hate leaving. I hate saying goodbye. I try to be funny and silly but y’all I am bawling my eyes out the entire ride to wherever it is that I’m going. I don’t do so well before saying goodbye either. You know the saying or the saying that its easier to push people away then it is to say goodbye. Yea, well, I do that. I think, well, I know I did that. Have done that recently and maybe even tonight. I can’t help that I don’t do well with goodbyes and that subconsciously I will come up with reasons to make people NOT want to see me. NOT want to say goodbye. What sense does that make? None. I never said I made sense. I do not come with a disclaimer. I must warn you of that.
If I did life would probably be much easier for me, people would know what to expect. I have to learn the hard way. I have to experience things for myself. Thats the way I learn, is by experience, so therefore if you enable me I don’t learn anything. I get worse. I get sicker. I am fixing all of that. I have hit rock bottom. I am selling everything so I can pay debts back. I will ride a bike. I do not care. I hope it has a pretty little basket. With a little bell too! Through all my pain I’m trying to think positive I just have to figure out how I’m going to get the title to my car and how I’m going to sell it in two weeks. Thats the issue. I know it can be done but HOW. HOW. I HAVEN’T had a migraine in 5 months and I have one right now thinking about how I’m going to move in less than two weeks. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t afford a taco much less a moving truck. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I try so hard to support my friends and I get over whelmed and I’ll admit I do like pretty things but I get caught up in the madness that is life. That is trying to do the right thing. Trying to help. I forget about ME! And here I am leaving so I can be alone with ME dang it. I need some alone time. I’ll miss every soul that has touched my life here which is so so so so so many people but I am so happy to be leaving. Just not real sure how its going to happen at this point. I’m also deciding to quit taking valium all together. I thinks thats also why I feel like poop. With drawls are no fun. I hope all my rivers here have bridges and if they be crushes may they be able to be mended through the work of the powerful and mighty beaver over time. Leaving sucks. It just does. But coming home is exciting. Lets just hope I can make it!
I had to post this. The title of this blog is the name of a book about BPD. I can’t tell you how terrible it is having this disorder. I feel abandoned all the time. Sometimes for legit reasons sometimes for reasons that mean nothing. One day on this blog I got over 70 views. Now I barely get 20. Please share this. Share my story. Help someone. Someone can benefit from what I talk about I just know it. I don’t know who but someone will.
You see I am not BEING abandoned necessarily but I am ABANDONING people I care about. I am leaving people that care immensely about me and that I care immensely about. And it hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever get married now. I may be wrong but in the sense of the word I don’t think it will happen. I’ll never have a pretty white dress, I’ll never walk down any isle, and thats fine with me. I’m OKAY with that. Really I am. I’VE EVEN LOVED SOMEONE ENOUGH TO CONSIDER THE THOUGHT OF REHOMING MY CATS AT SOME POINT. LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. Love in the sense of things can work if two people are willing to work at it and give and take. Is there chemistry? Do they make you happy? Do they fit your spiritual needs? Are they on your maturity level? OR are they on the way there. I am not in the place or time for a relationship and I know that and I’m okay with that. I still have growing to do. Thats why I’m moving to the very first place I was on my own. I made myself then and I can make myself now. I know I can. Professor Lupin has given plenty of tools and even has taught me how to produce a very very nice protonus charm. Also the beauty of chocolate which in our world is records. He has been so amazing and such a blessing and I hope he shows up in chapters to come in my life but shall he not I will always come to back to this one and look back with fondness.
We all know I feel too much. We all know that. Well one reason I feel abandoned is my followers on this blog have drastically dropped. My views and likes. But ya know what at least someone SOMEONE cares enough to take the time to read this and follow my story and my growth. I accomplished something great today. I did something by myself that I really didn’t want to do and was talked into the courage by professor Lupin himself. I asked him to go with me and I don’t think its that he didn’t want to I think he wanted me to overcome a fear which I did with grace and poise and there was even a frog involved lol. I should have snapped a photo.. maybe next time.
For those of you that read this and follow me I hope it touches your soul like it touches mine to write it. I have love for the whole world so know that I have love for you too even though I may not know you. My heart is with you.
They say when girls go through a break up or major changes they always do something to their hair and I honestly can’t argue that. I can’t tell you one pivotal moment in my life where I didn’t do something somewhat drastic to my hair when something serious changed in my life. Tonight I discovered what Brittney Spears discovered back in 2000. It has nothing to do with making a statement to anyone else. IT has EVERTHING TO DO WITH TAKING YOUR POWER BACK!!!
This is my story and up until now I cared so deeply what everyone else thought and what everyone else thought but no. NOT ANYMORE. I have a VOICE. HA and if you know me I am really loud. I don’t mean to be but I am tone deaf so I don’t realize the pitch that I am at. Its little things people don’t know about me yet will be so quick to judge me over. They will not be friends with me over it. They will backstab me over it. I AM TAKING ALL THAT POWER BACK. So why the hell could I not wait until Thursday when a real hair dresser could cut my hair. Well heres the thing guys. It was more symbolic than anything. It was I with the scissors, it was I who was reclaiming my power.
I didn’t do half bad either. And this wasn’t the first time I have helped someone reclaim their power in this way. I have cut someones hair before and did a really good job. Of course they got it cleaned up but it didn’t look much different. It poses a question. Should I go to school for this? Its not something I really want to do but if I could help women reclaim that power then hell yea!!!
My life I’d like to be about helping people. If its smile, then smile, if its regain their power, then regain their power, if its sit in silence and pray with them, then so be it. I am at Gods mercy. I am following his will and his plan. I am to pray and discern for a year and if I still haven’t figured it out or met Prince Charming then it off to a convent for me. Which is fine with me. I would be okay serving God forever. Would you?
This isn’t the most catholic friendly song but I’m not a nun yet lol
There are Five hierarchy types of love in this world. They all have different importances in our lives and its important to know about these loves and have understanding of them. They are as follows and in no particular order; love of self, friendship love, romantic love, hard love, unconditional love, and tough love. I am going to talk to you about these five loves and there importance in ones life and how they have effected my life as of recently. My hope and prayer is that someone out there gains some wisdom or insight from this blog post. Eventually this will be a book but for now a blog will have to do. Shall we begin?
Okay so this one is tough, no pun intended for some people to swallow. Me included but it may possibly be the most important one. Without tough love we would not be able to grow as people in our maturity. Tough love is meant to help us. There is a BUT there are snakes among the sheep that try to give us tough love that although they appear to mean well, when you know someone is suicidal and you tell them you think suicide is okay in some cases, maybe not the best tough love. And now they have abandoned me. They also made some really bad decisions I stood by and was supportive over and even supported the advancement in work. But snakes are everywhere. Snakes bite, they hurt, their venom is meant to kill, will it kill me? I don’t have an answer for that. Its up for debate. Then there is tough love by your Angels. The people who love you enough to tell you the things you NEED to hear but don’t want to. LIKE you need to do the dishes, get up, we care. We love you. We want you around. Put them big girl panties on and do the damn thing. Heavens knows why or what was going through Kate Spades mind but I can tell you in any industry their are snakes EVERYWHERE. AND THEY HURT!!! I am on a line myself. Between being selfish or staying because of the second love I’m going to talk about.
As a tiny child I remember wearing a bubble gum shirt and dancing around my den of the house I grew up in, I was probably 5 years old. I was singing “I love the whole world, I love the whole world” over and over and over and over. Somehow, I don’t know how but I have managed to fit just about the whole world in my heart space and I’m only 28. I have an immense understanding of unconditional love. I even love the snakes that hurt us so bad it hurts to breathe. Even snakes need love. Unconditional love is loving someone when they don’t deserve it nor will it ever go away. Its mostly associated with family members but I have a heart as big as this world As big as the universe even. If I could sacrifice everything to make the world a better place I would. Alas I don’t think it works that way. Maybe one day when Jesus returns everything will be okay but until then try and love unconditionally when you can. Everyone deserves a chance. NO ONE deserves hate or abandonment. Which leads us right into.
You CANNOT survive without this love. This love keeps you grounded above all else. Knowing people care about you is so so important. I can’t even explain to you the love I have in my heart for this woman and this little girl. They are filled with so much of Gods joy and love to spread. I have been so bleed to have them in my life. Someone to pray with, someone to talk me logically when I’m being irrational, someone to hold me when the tears won’t stop and I can’t breathe. A little girl who cried because she thought it was the last time she would see me. That is LOVE. NOT someone trying to undermine you or point out every single flaw you have. NOT someone who kicks you when you’re already 12 feet under. All you need to do is cover me with the dirt. I understand you have to cut out toxic people. I am not toxic. I am sad. I am sick. I need love. I need friends. I have love to give and I may not be able to clean your house but I can make you laugh like Robin Williams would have. I have a good heart and I don’t deserve what I have been served in life. Life isn’t fair I know this but you would think as much LOVE as I have spread into this world some of it would make its way back to me. I have seen glimpses. That is it. Here is one.
Some people get to meet their soul mates. I did. I just didn’t survive the relationship. I bailed ship before the damn thing sank. I still consider myself lucky. He was a nerd like me, he was an introvert like me but still liked to go out every now and then. Like I said before when I was WELL he was a good man, when I got SICK, he went away. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANTIC LOVE. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF. THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. Its the heartbreak of losing it that can defeat you and nearly kill you. Knowing someone you love with everything will either see you turn to ash or become the greatest thing is terrifying. And its a lot of pressure to be honest. I know what he expects to happen. He thinks I’ll be a statistic. Will I?
I purposely saved the most important for last. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect anyone else to love you at all. You just can’t. Thats the simple hard facts. You have to look in the mirror and accept who you are for all of your flaws your imperfections. Your adult acne, your pouch, the days when you don’t feel like shaving, you nervous ticks that maybe no one gets, your awkward ways of blurting things out. YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYTHANG! And honey I do. Thats not my issue. My issue is I beat myself up. I feel like I owe the world and everyone else this huge debt of myself and if I can’t live up to it, it eats away at me like some disease. I’m beyond a people pleaser. I LOVE people. I want them to know that. I’ll show it anyway I can. I feel like I fail because I get abandoned sooo sooo much. Honestly I think I will die of broken heart disease. My heart literally aches I’m in so much pain. In the 28 years of my life I’ve never been so sad. I literally have 6 people in my area (who are NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE. who I may see once a week, one or two of them if I’m lucky) that I truly feel appreciated and loved in some way. Thats not a lot. Most people have way more of a support system than I do. Most people live with a support system. I do not. I have me and thats it and honestly guys I don’t know if I’m enough.
When I graduated high school I was given a copy of “OH THE PLACES YOU’LL GO” BY DR. SUESS. It never resinated with me as a child how important that book would become to me in later years. It basically has mapped out my entire 20’s. Completely and I’ll admit I have gone back and revised some places. LIKE NOW. I’ll be alone for quite some time. And whats ironic is its where I started to learn to become alone to begin with. In Columbus MS. I remember when I first moved there I didn’t have a microwave, I had no money, no job, no friends, nothing. I ate sandwiches and cut them in half and had one for dinner and one half for lunch. I ate healthy but broke healthy. I had crackers in between meals. I had help but it went right to bills. I got plates as a gift that I still own to this day, a few have broken. I remember sitting in my apartment on my futon with no internet, no tv, and no fiends and no job. What did I do. I read, I went out to meet people, I took chances, I found myself, I did puzzles, I had grill outs by myself, I read Adux Huxleuys “Brave New World” a million times. I read the Dune series. I read a ton. I am going back to THAT Katie. The alone Katie. The REAL independent Katie. Although I still may need finical help I’ll be the independent I’ve been needing this whole time.
Being alone doesn’t always have to mean you’re alone alone.
With the recent deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain who are we to say who feels alone and who doesn’t. You simply cannot judge someone by what they appear to act on the outside. Suicide has got to be taken seriously. And so does mental illness. ESPECIALLY IN OUR COUNTRY!!!! THE USA NEEDS TO WAKE THE HELL UP AND REALIZE WE ARE IN CRISIS. THIS IS A DISEASE THAT PEOPLE CANNOT SEE OR SEEK HELP UNTIL IT IS ACCEPTED. It has such a stigma no one, no one wants to admit they are mentally ill. I bet none of you reading this would proudly talk in front of thousands about being mentally ill. But ya know what? I would. And someday maybe I will. I have been on the verge of death too many times. I can’t tell you what stopped me but what I can tell you is that I’m glad it did. I have too much to offer the world and too many people it would hurt. If it weren’t for my sister I would be homeless and thats the case with most of our homeless. They are mentally ill and sick and sad all at the same time. Its time to wake up America.
Alone isn’t forever. Someday. Someone how. I will meet someone or meet my calling and I will not be alone. Nor is being alone bad. I look forward to getting to know myself again. I am beautiful inside and out and I know in my heart my soul will eventually want to remain here on planet earth.
There once was a girl named Kathleen who lived in world where she thought she could somehow make everything wrong in the world right but somewhere along the way her heart got so broken that she forgot what it was like to make something right much less herself. So she had to fix herself. Once she was fixed she could start her mission of fixing the wrong of the world. Slowly but surly she got strong enough to start to fix the wrongs. The logician was now in charge of the magician.
Annnnnywaay now that that song is over. Irony. All of this is Irony. My karaoke song. See me singing it by clicking this hilarious URL lol Ironic by Katie Scheel I clearly can’t sing but thats the irony or karaoke is you’re not supposed to be good at it. you’re supposed to have fun. Life is a journey. Everyone we meet either is put there to love us forever and be a forever person or to teach us something about ourselves. Its up you to determine what thats going to be and with who. YOU determine who you let in your heart and who you reveal your secrets to. Its YOU who decides who comes with your soul when you leave somewhere or when it comes to making friends or relationships in general. I missed out on learning the most intimate thing about the person I spent almost 5 years with. Who HE REALLY was and Ya know what he missed out and see ME too. And its a shame. I’m on my journey to becoming a school counselor and he’s on his journey. We missed our chance. I’m over him. I’m not over what I missed out on. NOT him lol don’t get me confused. The chance to bond with someone on that level. In todays society though thats soooo sooo sooo common for a couple to not even know each other. I’m sooo glad he never asked me to marry him. I’m so glad I left. I’m glad for BOTH our sake. Maybe another time or something but he had no idea who I was and vise versa. Thats not love..thats not a love God would want. I do want a Godly love. I do have my temptations and my sins and I’ll confess that but ultimately I would like to end up with someone who wants to raise kids in a Godly manner. Thats just me. Anyway its getting late so with that being said.