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"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing" – Benjamin Franklin

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There are Five hierarchy types of love in this world. They all have different importances in our lives and its important to know about these loves and have understanding of them. They are as follows and in no particular order; love of self, friendship love, romantic love, hard love, unconditional love, and tough love. I am going to talk to you about these five loves and there importance in ones life and how they have effected my life as of recently. My hope and prayer is that someone out there gains some wisdom or insight from this blog post. Eventually this will be a book but for now a blog will have to do. Shall we begin?

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  • TOUGH LOVE

Okay so this one is tough, no pun intended for some people to swallow. Me included but it may possibly be the most important one. Without tough love we would not be able to grow as people in our maturity. Tough love is meant to help us. There is a BUT there are snakes among the sheep that try to give us tough love that although they appear to mean well, when you know someone is suicidal and you tell them you think suicide is okay in some cases, maybe not the best tough love. And now they have abandoned me. They also made some really bad decisions I stood by and was supportive over and even supported the advancement in work. But snakes are everywhere. Snakes bite, they hurt, their venom is meant to kill, will it kill me? I don’t have an answer for that. Its up for debate. Then there is tough love by your Angels. The people who love you enough to tell you the things you NEED to hear but don’t want to. LIKE you need to do the dishes, get up, we care. We love you. We want you around. Put them big girl panties on and do the damn thing. Heavens knows why or what was going through Kate Spades mind but I can tell you in any industry their are snakes EVERYWHERE. AND THEY HURT!!! I am on a line myself. Between being selfish or staying because of the second love I’m going to talk about.

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  • UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

As a tiny child I remember wearing a bubble gum shirt and dancing around my den of the house I grew up in, I was probably 5 years old. I was singing  “I love the whole world, I love the whole world” over and over and over and over. Somehow, I don’t know how but I have managed to fit just about the whole world in my heart space and I’m only 28. I have an immense understanding of unconditional love. I even love the snakes that hurt us so bad it hurts to breathe. Even snakes need love. Unconditional love is loving someone when they don’t deserve it nor will it ever go away. Its mostly associated with family members but I have a heart as big as this world As big as the universe even. If I could sacrifice everything to make the world a better place I would. Alas I don’t think it works that way. Maybe one day when Jesus returns everything will be okay but until then try and love unconditionally when you can. Everyone deserves a chance. NO ONE deserves hate or abandonment. Which leads us right into.

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  • FRIENDSHIP LOVE 

You CANNOT survive without this love. This love keeps you grounded above all else. Knowing people care about you is so so important. I can’t even explain to you the love I have in my heart for this woman and this little girl. They are filled with so much of Gods joy and love to spread. I have been so bleed to have them in my life. Someone to pray with, someone to talk me logically when I’m being irrational, someone to hold me when the tears won’t stop and I can’t breathe. A little girl who cried because she thought it was the last time she would see me. That is LOVE. NOT someone trying to undermine you or point out every single flaw you have. NOT someone who kicks you when you’re already 12 feet under. All you need to do is cover me with the dirt. I understand you have to cut out toxic people. I am not toxic. I am sad. I am sick. I need love. I need friends. I have love to give and I may not be able to clean your house but I can make you laugh like Robin Williams would have. I have a good heart and I don’t deserve what I have been served in life. Life isn’t fair I know this but you would think as much LOVE as I have spread into this world some of it would make its way back to me. I have seen glimpses. That is it. Here is one.

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  • ROMANTIC LOVE

Some people get to meet their soul mates. I did. I just didn’t survive the relationship. I bailed ship before the damn thing sank. I still consider myself lucky. He was a nerd like me, he was an introvert like me but still liked to go out every now and then. Like I said before when I was WELL he was a good man, when I got SICK, he went away. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANTIC LOVE. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF. THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. Its the heartbreak of losing it that can defeat you and nearly kill you. Knowing someone you love with everything will either see you turn to ash or become the greatest thing is terrifying. And its a lot of pressure to be honest. I know what he expects to happen. He thinks I’ll be a statistic. Will I?

  • SELF LOVE

I purposely saved the most important for last. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect anyone else to love you at all. You just can’t. Thats the simple hard facts. You have to look in the mirror and accept who you are for all of your flaws your imperfections. Your adult acne, your pouch, the days when you don’t feel like shaving, you nervous ticks that maybe no one gets, your awkward  ways of blurting things out. YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYTHANG! And honey I do. Thats not my issue. My issue is I beat myself up. I feel like I owe the world and everyone else this huge debt of myself and if I can’t live up to it, it eats away at me like some disease. I’m beyond a people pleaser. I LOVE people. I want them to know that. I’ll show it anyway I can. I feel like I fail because I get abandoned sooo sooo much. Honestly I think I will die of broken heart disease. My heart literally aches I’m in so much pain. In the 28 years of my life I’ve never been so sad. I literally have 6 people in my area (who are NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE. who I may see once a week, one or two of them if I’m lucky) that I truly feel appreciated and loved in some way. Thats not a lot. Most people have way more of a support system than I do. Most people live with a support system. I do not. I have me and thats it and honestly guys I don’t know if I’m enough.

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When I graduated high school I was given a copy of “OH THE PLACES YOU’LL GO” BY DR. SUESS. It never resinated with me as a child how important that book would become to me in later years. It basically has mapped out my entire 20’s. Completely and I’ll admit I have gone back and revised some places. LIKE NOW. I’ll be alone for quite some time. And whats ironic is its where I started to learn to become alone to begin with. In Columbus MS. I remember when I first moved there I didn’t have a microwave, I had no money, no job, no friends, nothing. I ate sandwiches and cut them in half and had one for dinner and one half for lunch. I ate healthy but broke healthy. I had crackers in between meals. I had help but it went right to bills. I got plates as a gift that I still own to this day, a few have broken. I remember sitting in my apartment on my futon with no internet, no tv, and no fiends and no job. What did I do. I read, I went out to meet people, I took chances, I found myself, I did puzzles, I had grill outs by myself, I read Adux Huxleuys “Brave New World” a million times. I read the Dune series. I read a ton. I am going back to THAT Katie. The alone Katie. The REAL independent Katie. Although I still may need finical help I’ll be the independent I’ve been needing this whole time.

Being alone doesn’t always have to mean you’re alone alone.

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With the recent deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain who are we to say who feels alone and who doesn’t. You simply cannot judge someone by what they appear to act on the outside. Suicide has got to be taken seriously. And so does mental illness. ESPECIALLY IN OUR COUNTRY!!!! THE USA NEEDS TO WAKE THE HELL UP AND REALIZE WE ARE IN CRISIS. THIS IS A DISEASE THAT PEOPLE CANNOT SEE OR SEEK HELP UNTIL IT IS ACCEPTED. It has such a stigma no one, no one wants to admit they are mentally ill. I bet none of you reading this would proudly talk in front of thousands about being mentally ill. But ya know what? I would. And someday maybe I will. I have been on the verge of death too many times. I can’t tell you what stopped me but what I can tell you is that I’m glad it did. I have too much to offer the world and too many people it would hurt. If it weren’t for my sister I would be homeless and thats the case with most of our homeless. They are mentally ill and sick and sad all at the same time. Its time to wake up America.

Alone isn’t forever. Someday. Someone how. I will meet someone or meet my calling and I will not be alone. Nor is being alone bad. I look forward to getting to know myself again. I am beautiful inside and out and I know in my heart my soul will eventually want to remain here on planet earth.

 

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As I sit on my floor crying I realize I need to grow up. I keep saying “he’s everywhere, he’s everywhere, he’s eveywhere, he’s in my heart”, this last statement is the only rational one of the bunch. He isn’t everywhere. he does however live within my heart and always will. I just hope I’m not always this sad because of it. I have my good moments and my bad moments.giphy7

imagesSeriously you guys I know it needs doing but this is hilarious and so true lol. Theres a running joke among my girlfriends and my exes that I have noooo sexy underwear its allllll granny panties. So I need to pull those up and grow up. I need to take responsibility for my mistakes and my actions. I have made untrue accusations, while making true accusations making it hard to tell whats real and whats not. Which makes me look bat shit crazy. And while I may be crazy I’m not completely bonkers. I know my jewelry was taken because my ass can’t even pawn it. Trust me I would know where it is at this point. When your bank account is negative you KNOW when valuable stuff is missing. Anyway public apology no one wrote a fraudulent check BUT there was an unauthorized withdraw. Thats what it was. Anyway I’m going to schedule some LuLaRoe post, and get ready for IOP and to meet with my landlord to talk about finical situation and go by the unemployment office. Long day. Lets just hope theres enough on my LLR card for gas, which I’m sure there is lol Take it one Roe at at time you guys!

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Was it me?

Was it you?

Was it the words you said or HOW you said them?

I talk a lot of crap lets be honest, about my ex. He said things when he shouldn’t have and I have no idea if he’s sorry for that or not. He won’t talk to me anymore. I should let it go but I can’t. Its this tether I can’t release myself from. I’m scared of what will happen if I do. I shy away from guys that would actually want anything real. I run into the arms of anything thats temporary. I know these things about me. I know I’m not alone. I feel the love of those that I’m with for others. It hurts but I know I’m not alone. My parents discourage my writing and my blog but for me everyone needs to know they aren’t alone. Everyone has these issues. EVERYONE.

I’m sorry

My sweet Toothlees is watching as I write this. This cat was “our” cat. We got him together. He picked him out. He is all I have left aside from a box and memories and a pendant my mom bought from me to help pay bills. I cry everyday if not out loud inside because I miss him so much. My bones ache to see his smile. To see his crystal blue eyes. To hear him say “I love you…..sometimes”. I would trade a thousand wishes just to speak to him again. I think my Toothless knows I’m sad. He’s laying on my Sacral chakra. Now he’s loving on my hands as I type this. Cats can sense things. So can I. I read people very well.

I love my Job and I don’t want to leave, I love my doctors and I don’t want to leave. I have a support system here but I woke up to zero account and .39 to my name and realized my checkbook was stolen and fraudulent check was written and an auto draft I didn’t authorize was charged. All that being said I probably won’t have rent for June soooo yea moving may happen for me.

I just don’t want to disappoint the people who wanted to see me make it here. giphy6

 

              What would you do if you were going to meet a guy that you sort of thought was cute and funny and he was bringing his friends and you were supposed to bring your friend too but life happened? Would you back out? Would you just not go? That probably would have been what most women would have done. But not me. Nope. And of course the universe laughed at that one. Or at least it felt like it in my mind. I was nervous admidittdly because I had no back up and was going in alone but this was my first weekend to do something fun in a while so I was pretty stoked about this escape room. It was my idea after all. The first major hiccup was my friend bailing on me, not her fault but that was a bummer. For both of us. Then my gps can’t find this guys house and so I’m thinking he’s given me a fake address the whole time and I’m thinking “well I guess I’ll go have a few beers downtown” when he finally offers to meet me somewhere on foot by his house. I was mortified. I had never gotten so lost in my life. And I LIVE here!! How does that even happen? Next we get to downtown finally, and we are walking to meet his friends and what do you know, my shoe breaks. Yup. Right there on palofax. All I could do was laugh it off. That’s all you really can do when stuff like that happens. But at this point I was feeling jinxed in Pensacola. We got to the bar and at that point I needed a beer. I had earned it. But wouldn’t ya know we only had like five minutes. That sucker got downed. How was I supposed to face escaping Palofax with all these dudes I didnt even know. I knew I would and I could though and that it would be fun. What made this so challenging for me was not being in control of the situation. As a woman we like be in control of our surroundings the first few dates lol. I was clearly outnumbered and being locked in a room for an hour with no adult beverages doesn’t help with nerves. For once I just let everyone else do the work and take the lead. I found a few clues, we all had fun with the black light, (which doesn’t work so great during the day if you plan on going ), the game locked us out, one of our teammates “Cheated”, we were down to the last 30 seconds when one of our teammates started to figure it out. Alas, it was too late. We had to be let out. But even though we lost, it was a great time. Don’t be dumb but always take risk. Get out of your comfort zone. I know I’m glad I did. I never thought I would enjoy breaking a shoe and getting lost and being in an escape room full of Marines. Do something you wouldn’t normllly do.  I may not have escaped palofax but I did escape some comfort zones and I can be proud of that. 

I was thrilled we didn’t win so much so I didn’t even know where to look lol #oops #lularoe #Amelia