Depression literally effects everything. From hygiene to work performance to relationships. If I hear one more person tell me it’s just an excuse I’m going to scream. It’s MORE than just an excuse. It’s a disease. It’s wanting so badly to get out of bed and do something about your life but not having the capacity to do so. It’s crippling. It’s kept me in bed for days at a time. It KEEPS me in bed.
Depression is like the feared dementor coming to bring you your last kiss. Everything turns cold and dark. Living with severe depression is like living after receiving your dementors kiss. You’re the living dead. Your soul gone. Everything dark, cold, and gray. Even sunshiny days seem dull. The will to live is gone.
I know this depression. I live this depression everyday. It’s a battle to get up every morning. To do menial task such as take a shower, clean, get ready for an event is monumental to me. It’s exhausting. My job has suffered from my depression. I’d rather be asleep than doing anything. If I’m asleep I don’t have to face the world and the fact that I’m sad. I’m probably losing my job soon. One of them at least. My main source of income. What will happen after that I don’t know. I had hope before this but it seems like everyday that goes by my depression gets worse and worse and worse. What will become of me? Will I just waste away? Or will I somehow find the strength to pick myself up?
Depression effects how well you clean. My room is a mess. There’s trash strewn about. Clothes everywhere. It’s not that I don’t want a clean room or a clean home but I’ve become so overwhelmed and going back to bed is just easier. It’s gotten to the point where I physically can’t get up to do anything anymore. I’m so low that my energy is shot. I don’t sit around and watch tv or eat bon bons. I sleep because my body and my soul is tired.
Depression effects relationships. You become paranoid that no one likes you and that everyone is against you and you will find that some people are. You will find that some people don’t understand mental illness and would rather stay that way than lend a compassionate heart or ear your way. Family starts drifting farther apart. You miss things. You get left out of things. People stop inviting you to things because you never show anyways.
Depression effects hygiene. Just getting a shower seems like running a marathon. Forget small things like shaving or brushing your teeth. You gain weight like crazy even though you’re barely eating. It’s like you’re body is preparing to hibernate for the rest of your life. Physical appearance isn’t one of your top priorities anymore. Sleep is.
Now that I’m soon to only be working one to two days a week again I’m afraid now more than ever I’m going to lose myself to this disease. This illness that is a burden to have and a burden for anyone who loves me. They have to watch me fall into the abyss. I know on Saturday I’m going to hear it’s an excuse and that’s fine. Some people don’t understand mental illness and that’s their choice. It’s not an excuse just like a diabetic having to take insulin and watch what they eat isn’t an excuse neither is being in the grips and the horror of full blow depression. If you’ve never slept more than two days in a row, woken up to see how horrible your house and your life looks, to full on projectile vomiting; then you my friend do not know depression. I am almost 30 and have had this disease since I was 11. That’s how old I was at my first suicide attempt. My last one was at the age of 14. I have wanted to since then but have remained hopeful that something will give. This is the worst my depression has ever been. Will I ever see the light again? I hope so. Only time will tell.
There are Five hierarchy types of love in this world. They all have different importances in our lives and its important to know about these loves and have understanding of them. They are as follows and in no particular order; love of self, friendship love, romantic love, hard love, unconditional love, and tough love. I am going to talk to you about these five loves and there importance in ones life and how they have effected my life as of recently. My hope and prayer is that someone out there gains some wisdom or insight from this blog post. Eventually this will be a book but for now a blog will have to do. Shall we begin?
Okay so this one is tough, no pun intended for some people to swallow. Me included but it may possibly be the most important one. Without tough love we would not be able to grow as people in our maturity. Tough love is meant to help us. There is a BUT there are snakes among the sheep that try to give us tough love that although they appear to mean well, when you know someone is suicidal and you tell them you think suicide is okay in some cases, maybe not the best tough love. And now they have abandoned me. They also made some really bad decisions I stood by and was supportive over and even supported the advancement in work. But snakes are everywhere. Snakes bite, they hurt, their venom is meant to kill, will it kill me? I don’t have an answer for that. Its up for debate. Then there is tough love by your Angels. The people who love you enough to tell you the things you NEED to hear but don’t want to. LIKE you need to do the dishes, get up, we care. We love you. We want you around. Put them big girl panties on and do the damn thing. Heavens knows why or what was going through Kate Spades mind but I can tell you in any industry their are snakes EVERYWHERE. AND THEY HURT!!! I am on a line myself. Between being selfish or staying because of the second love I’m going to talk about.
As a tiny child I remember wearing a bubble gum shirt and dancing around my den of the house I grew up in, I was probably 5 years old. I was singing “I love the whole world, I love the whole world” over and over and over and over. Somehow, I don’t know how but I have managed to fit just about the whole world in my heart space and I’m only 28. I have an immense understanding of unconditional love. I even love the snakes that hurt us so bad it hurts to breathe. Even snakes need love. Unconditional love is loving someone when they don’t deserve it nor will it ever go away. Its mostly associated with family members but I have a heart as big as this world As big as the universe even. If I could sacrifice everything to make the world a better place I would. Alas I don’t think it works that way. Maybe one day when Jesus returns everything will be okay but until then try and love unconditionally when you can. Everyone deserves a chance. NO ONE deserves hate or abandonment. Which leads us right into.
You CANNOT survive without this love. This love keeps you grounded above all else. Knowing people care about you is so so important. I can’t even explain to you the love I have in my heart for this woman and this little girl. They are filled with so much of Gods joy and love to spread. I have been so bleed to have them in my life. Someone to pray with, someone to talk me logically when I’m being irrational, someone to hold me when the tears won’t stop and I can’t breathe. A little girl who cried because she thought it was the last time she would see me. That is LOVE. NOT someone trying to undermine you or point out every single flaw you have. NOT someone who kicks you when you’re already 12 feet under. All you need to do is cover me with the dirt. I understand you have to cut out toxic people. I am not toxic. I am sad. I am sick. I need love. I need friends. I have love to give and I may not be able to clean your house but I can make you laugh like Robin Williams would have. I have a good heart and I don’t deserve what I have been served in life. Life isn’t fair I know this but you would think as much LOVE as I have spread into this world some of it would make its way back to me. I have seen glimpses. That is it. Here is one.
Some people get to meet their soul mates. I did. I just didn’t survive the relationship. I bailed ship before the damn thing sank. I still consider myself lucky. He was a nerd like me, he was an introvert like me but still liked to go out every now and then. Like I said before when I was WELL he was a good man, when I got SICK, he went away. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANTIC LOVE. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF. THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. Its the heartbreak of losing it that can defeat you and nearly kill you. Knowing someone you love with everything will either see you turn to ash or become the greatest thing is terrifying. And its a lot of pressure to be honest. I know what he expects to happen. He thinks I’ll be a statistic. Will I?
I purposely saved the most important for last. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect anyone else to love you at all. You just can’t. Thats the simple hard facts. You have to look in the mirror and accept who you are for all of your flaws your imperfections. Your adult acne, your pouch, the days when you don’t feel like shaving, you nervous ticks that maybe no one gets, your awkward ways of blurting things out. YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYTHANG! And honey I do. Thats not my issue. My issue is I beat myself up. I feel like I owe the world and everyone else this huge debt of myself and if I can’t live up to it, it eats away at me like some disease. I’m beyond a people pleaser. I LOVE people. I want them to know that. I’ll show it anyway I can. I feel like I fail because I get abandoned sooo sooo much. Honestly I think I will die of broken heart disease. My heart literally aches I’m in so much pain. In the 28 years of my life I’ve never been so sad. I literally have 6 people in my area (who are NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE. who I may see once a week, one or two of them if I’m lucky) that I truly feel appreciated and loved in some way. Thats not a lot. Most people have way more of a support system than I do. Most people live with a support system. I do not. I have me and thats it and honestly guys I don’t know if I’m enough.
When I graduated high school I was given a copy of “OH THE PLACES YOU’LL GO” BY DR. SUESS. It never resinated with me as a child how important that book would become to me in later years. It basically has mapped out my entire 20’s. Completely and I’ll admit I have gone back and revised some places. LIKE NOW. I’ll be alone for quite some time. And whats ironic is its where I started to learn to become alone to begin with. In Columbus MS. I remember when I first moved there I didn’t have a microwave, I had no money, no job, no friends, nothing. I ate sandwiches and cut them in half and had one for dinner and one half for lunch. I ate healthy but broke healthy. I had crackers in between meals. I had help but it went right to bills. I got plates as a gift that I still own to this day, a few have broken. I remember sitting in my apartment on my futon with no internet, no tv, and no fiends and no job. What did I do. I read, I went out to meet people, I took chances, I found myself, I did puzzles, I had grill outs by myself, I read Adux Huxleuys “Brave New World” a million times. I read the Dune series. I read a ton. I am going back to THAT Katie. The alone Katie. The REAL independent Katie. Although I still may need finical help I’ll be the independent I’ve been needing this whole time.
Being alone doesn’t always have to mean you’re alone alone.
With the recent deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain who are we to say who feels alone and who doesn’t. You simply cannot judge someone by what they appear to act on the outside. Suicide has got to be taken seriously. And so does mental illness. ESPECIALLY IN OUR COUNTRY!!!! THE USA NEEDS TO WAKE THE HELL UP AND REALIZE WE ARE IN CRISIS. THIS IS A DISEASE THAT PEOPLE CANNOT SEE OR SEEK HELP UNTIL IT IS ACCEPTED. It has such a stigma no one, no one wants to admit they are mentally ill. I bet none of you reading this would proudly talk in front of thousands about being mentally ill. But ya know what? I would. And someday maybe I will. I have been on the verge of death too many times. I can’t tell you what stopped me but what I can tell you is that I’m glad it did. I have too much to offer the world and too many people it would hurt. If it weren’t for my sister I would be homeless and thats the case with most of our homeless. They are mentally ill and sick and sad all at the same time. Its time to wake up America.
Alone isn’t forever. Someday. Someone how. I will meet someone or meet my calling and I will not be alone. Nor is being alone bad. I look forward to getting to know myself again. I am beautiful inside and out and I know in my heart my soul will eventually want to remain here on planet earth.
I am about to start my life all over again where I thought my life was just beginning six years ago. I was sadly disappointed. This was his favorite picture of us. You can burn all the pictures you want but you can’t burn the cloud unfortunately. Or at least I don’t know how to. Memories aren’t always bad. It wasn’t always bad. When I was healthy he was a good man. When I got sick I guess so did he. Can I truly blame him. As I have grown over the past year I’ve learned sometimes people have to let you go and you have to let people go to take care of yourself and that doesn’t mean you don’t love them it just means you sort of have to love yourself more. And yes it sucks and it hurts and its not fun at all. I know from having to be the one to LET go and having been the that was let GO…it sucks. Life in general if full of mostly these terrible awful things and mixed with this amazing beauty if you can look closely enough. I was lucky to have the time I did with him. I was lucky for the lessons he taught me. I was lucky and blessed to have been near my sister for most of our relationship. Which begs the question….was she my grounding cord. Sisters are soooo important.
My sister has basically came down from heaven like the arch angel Michael and saved me by the grace of God by giving me a roof over my head when I make it to Columbus MS. I know I’m meant to be there. I feel in my heart strings God pulling me there. Back to where it all began. I don’t need to be where it ended. I need to be where I was when there was no “him”. When there was only ME! I know in my heart of hearts I am getting well and that soon I will be independent again and he will miss out on the very best part of me. He will regret not sticking around for those bad times. And just so you know I CHOSE to leave. Just so thats clear. He wanted me to be independent and well I guess I took it a little too far. The thing is rock bottom is what I NEEDED. I would have never seen anywhere near rock bottom with him. He liked toys and expensive things. I need to simplify my life. Not have fancy “things”. Things will only fill your heart so much. And I’m not even sure its your heart its filling.
I wish I could share my heart with the world. I wish I could share all the love it has in it. I also wish I could show the world all the hurt it sees so they would have compassion for others. Maybe then the world would be a better place?
This morning I called my mother to tell her that I had a Kate Spade phone cover and it made me happy and sad all at the same time and when I did she told me that Anthony Bourdain killed himself as well. I burst into tears. Satan immediately said “do it”. “You’ll go out with the legends”. But heres the thing guys. I haven’t even had a chance to become a legend and while its sad and Anthony was a hero of mine and it really hurts I can’t do that to the people I love and most importantly I can’t cheat myself or my God out of potential good I may do the world.
Whats truly sad about all of this is the man I fell in love with is now a mean bitter person who wants nothing to do with me and shows me nothing but anger. Do I deserve that? Maybe? But does any human deserve to be treated in that manner?
DPL please come back…to where it all began. One day. I have a year of discernment.
I have a tendency to live in the past just as much as I do day dreaming about the future. Packing last night I ran into a letter to the ex written February of 2017. I would love to share it but it shares intimate details I shouldn’t share publicly. There was an issue that he may not even remember that I was really upset about him not taking my side on and apparently thats one of the main reasons I left. I just wanted someone on my side. Its okay to look back but staying there will only make you old and frail. I feel like I’m 100. I’m just now starting again to live in the present. I used to but then I got sick. And stuck in places I didn’t want to be.
I was stuck in the waiting place for sooo long. Waiting for anything something. I wasn’t doing anything proactive on my behalf. I was just waiting for something to happen that never did. Don’t be like me. Don’t waste your time waiting away. Do something. Be brave. Take the girl out! Ask the guy for coffee! Go rafting by yourself. Go for a hike alone even though it may sound scary. Don’t wait around for something to happen because I hate to be the bearer of bad news but its not going to. You will be stuck in the past forever and never fully appreciate the present moment. We are never promised tomorrow.
I often wonder if people have any idea whats on my mind when I stare off into oblivion. Its the curse of having BPD. Having a personality disorder is soooo different than having any other disease. I wish people understood that. I was told today by someone I highly respect that I don’t need to use my disease as an excuse and I need to take responsibly for my actions. Here is where I have an issue with this. I admit I could do better. I admit my faults, I admit I am trying my hardest. My DISEASE is PART of my PERSONALITY. There are some things that I couldn’t help even if I wanted to. They can be good aspects about me but they can also be really bad. For more info on borderline please click on This Link. It has a lot of great info. I try to take responsibility in my relationships but again I’m not perfect.
Alas but we must get back to it. I have less than 30 days to pack, finish my taxes, make loads of money (yea right lol), get my cars registration renewed, and finally find a job in Columbus MS. Life is happening. And its happing now. Not in the past or the future but NOW. It may be cheesy but its true lol Life is happening NOW!!! lololol
With all that being said, I will make it to the other side of all this its a matter of how bad is it going to hurt? How many scars will I have? How broke will my heart be? Only time will tell.
If anyone knows me AT ALL they know that THIS is my song at karaoke. My best friend and I were supposed to go to Beale Street music festival. She had gotten us tickets and everything. I couldn’t have afforded to go otherwise. Its all I have been looking forward to the past few weeks because with my aunt dying, my ex ignoring even the text tell him she had passed, stress from finances, stress from work, loneliness, etc, I haven’t had much else to look forward to. I was going to get to see the karaoke “Ironic” singer herself and my favorite band of all time. Third Eye Blind. For people like me who are really sick sometimes all it takes is just one thing to keep us going. I no longer have that. Not that it would have mattered much longer because it will be over soon. Irony is a bitch because I need this concert now more than ever. But life has a funny funny way of working out just the way we need it to.
Life has been very ironic to me lately and very literal. I can’t seem to get over it. I’ll give you an example that is a little to spot on to what my everyday life is like.
So I’m on “E” but I am already running late to a Drs appointment 20min away and I have work afterwards so I have got to be on time. So I am praying literally the whole way there “God please let me make it to the Dr without running out gas, God please just let me make it to the Dr.” I didn’t have time to stop on the way but luckily I made it! I ran up to my Drs appointment only to find out I was a day early! I busted out crying saying how I drove 20 min away on E and that I had to be seen because I was very sick. I had started to aspirate in my sleep at this time. I was already over this morning. This meant I would be late to work which is a huge no no. Especially for me. I went to my car to charge my phone. As soon as I cranked my car to charge my phone it died. As in ran out of gas. I lost it. After calling dear friend and finding the humor in the fact that God quite literally answered my prayer I was okay. Still sucked but I was okay. I sat there nearly 4 hours including waiting on the Dr and gas to think about my mistakes and the grace God had given me. I deal with things of this nature on a daily basis. Its just my luck, its just my life.
And here is Murphy’s law
This week has been Cray Cray. Like crazy. I almost thought I was going to lose my job. One of the only things I wake up everyday for. All because I’m sick and I didn’t’ know how to ask for sick leave. Luckily I have a therapist who really cares and saw if she didn’t do something it wasn’t going to be good. I can’t say I don’t have people that care about me because that just not true. I know I do. Just because one person won’t acknowledge I exist doesn’t mean I don’t matter. Anywho IOP was SUPPOSED to start on Wednesday but I had to start it on Friday. It went okay. Apparently I’m a pro at DBT, which clearly you can know the skills but still not be good at them. Or else I wouldn’t need IOP. I feel like every time I get overwhelmed or stressed or both I go into an episode. Up until I was given the green light to take a couple of weeks off every moment of every day felt like a disassociation. I wasn’t me because I wasn’t there. I was some where else trying to avoid reality. So aside from starting IOP what else did I do instead of going to a concert that was keeping me going:
I cleaned and organized the LuLaRoom
I deep cleaned my couch (much needed y’all, much needed)
I started folding and putting away the immense amount of laundry I have YET to put up since moving
I planned a super sweet, stay at home cook, eat under the stars, listen to records, and canoe the blackwater river third/fourth date.
I wrote a letter to the founder of the company that I represent thanking them for saving my life and seeing what else they can do to assist me. It took courage but I told my story.
And I wrote this blog entry
Life isn’t perfect but I made the most of a super shitty situation. I had a great day. It was amazing on the river. Its Ironic how much, we shall call him for blog sake Professor Lupin (it was Walter White but the more I got to know about him he’s totally Lupin) we have in common. Yet how different we are. Right now we are just friends and I’d say dating as friends and maybe we will see what happens. Either way I’m happy to have a new friend and someone to go canoeing with. Its hard to meet someone and have to tell them right off the bat “oh by the way I’m unpacking some baggage lol
what a puuurfect day
One of the saddest things for me this weekend was not seeing my best friend and seeing third eye blind. So I’ll close with one of my favorite songs by them.