Depression literally effects everything. From hygiene to work performance to relationships. If I hear one more person tell me it’s just an excuse I’m going to scream. It’s MORE than just an excuse. It’s a disease. It’s wanting so badly to get out of bed and do something about your life but not having the capacity to do so. It’s crippling. It’s kept me in bed for days at a time. It KEEPS me in bed.
Depression is like the feared dementor coming to bring you your last kiss. Everything turns cold and dark. Living with severe depression is like living after receiving your dementors kiss. You’re the living dead. Your soul gone. Everything dark, cold, and gray. Even sunshiny days seem dull. The will to live is gone.
I know this depression. I live this depression everyday. It’s a battle to get up every morning. To do menial task such as take a shower, clean, get ready for an event is monumental to me. It’s exhausting. My job has suffered from my depression. I’d rather be asleep than doing anything. If I’m asleep I don’t have to face the world and the fact that I’m sad. I’m probably losing my job soon. One of them at least. My main source of income. What will happen after that I don’t know. I had hope before this but it seems like everyday that goes by my depression gets worse and worse and worse. What will become of me? Will I just waste away? Or will I somehow find the strength to pick myself up?
Depression effects how well you clean. My room is a mess. There’s trash strewn about. Clothes everywhere. It’s not that I don’t want a clean room or a clean home but I’ve become so overwhelmed and going back to bed is just easier. It’s gotten to the point where I physically can’t get up to do anything anymore. I’m so low that my energy is shot. I don’t sit around and watch tv or eat bon bons. I sleep because my body and my soul is tired.
Depression effects relationships. You become paranoid that no one likes you and that everyone is against you and you will find that some people are. You will find that some people don’t understand mental illness and would rather stay that way than lend a compassionate heart or ear your way. Family starts drifting farther apart. You miss things. You get left out of things. People stop inviting you to things because you never show anyways.
Depression effects hygiene. Just getting a shower seems like running a marathon. Forget small things like shaving or brushing your teeth. You gain weight like crazy even though you’re barely eating. It’s like you’re body is preparing to hibernate for the rest of your life. Physical appearance isn’t one of your top priorities anymore. Sleep is.
Now that I’m soon to only be working one to two days a week again I’m afraid now more than ever I’m going to lose myself to this disease. This illness that is a burden to have and a burden for anyone who loves me. They have to watch me fall into the abyss. I know on Saturday I’m going to hear it’s an excuse and that’s fine. Some people don’t understand mental illness and that’s their choice. It’s not an excuse just like a diabetic having to take insulin and watch what they eat isn’t an excuse neither is being in the grips and the horror of full blow depression. If you’ve never slept more than two days in a row, woken up to see how horrible your house and your life looks, to full on projectile vomiting; then you my friend do not know depression. I am almost 30 and have had this disease since I was 11. That’s how old I was at my first suicide attempt. My last one was at the age of 14. I have wanted to since then but have remained hopeful that something will give. This is the worst my depression has ever been. Will I ever see the light again? I hope so. Only time will tell.
You never know how many people really care until you hit rock bottom. People start to come out of no where. People you thought had forgotten all about you still remember your smile and the impact you had. No life is too small or insignificant. Everyone has a place. Even me. In my own weird way. I don’t know where I fit in this world but I know I was put here to help. I helped a girl out with clothes and a bible while in the hospital. One of the first things I did was get her a bag ready to go up to the hospital. It meant way more to her than it ever could to me. I didn’t do it for me I did it because I saw a need that I could fill. Something I could do to make the world a better place. So I did. I will call this girl until she leaves. I also met a man who lead me to get sober from my valium. Not that its bad for everyone but I have been on it for too long and everyone notices a difference of me on it. And thats what I hate. I want to be the best Katie for everyone. I hate being anxious but at the same time I don’t want to be a robot.
Part of being inpatient is giving up your freedom. Your sanity basically. You stare at walls for long periods of time just to think about the decisions you made that got you there. Which I can tell you sucks balls. I cried like a baby my second day. My first full day really. My second day I started to see the light and I started to do things that made me feel good, like run when we went outside and not sleep all day. I played cards with group members. I made people laugh. I’ll never forget those people. The people that impacted me far more than they may ever realize. You may think your life is insignificant and I know I sure did but no life is too small. NO LIFE is not important. NO ONE should be left behind in this cruel world I don’t care who you are. This world is scary and lonely and I don’t care what you’ve done you don’t deserve to be alone.
My friends and my family have carried me as far as they can and its time for me to carry myself. I pray for the strength and the courage to do so.
I don’t know how anyone can see a homeless person and not look down. If only for a second. We all know major cities and towns are going to be full of them that is just life. IT is what being below the poverty line has done, its what not being able to qualify for disability when someone really needs it gets turned down, its what being mentally ill and not being able to get help does to a person. Its HELL. I have lived it now. BRIEFLY but I have been behind the sign and will go behind the sign again today. Not for me but for THEM. The ones who have no one to look them in the eyes. The ones who remember my face because I had given them money and talked to them before. THEY REMEMBERED ME!!! And now when I have nothing to give they are helping me out telling me times to come back and when to come and trying to take care of me. There is such a strong calling in me to help these people. More so then to make money for my moving truck. If I make money for my moving truck thats fabulous but if not then God will provide some other way. I just know it. So do you want to know what it was like behind the sign? What it felt like to beg for money with a guitar and a case for 3 hours in the hot FL heat? Do you want to know what that feels like? What it taste like? What it sounds like? Listen close and I’ll tell you.
I started my journey later than I had intended to. Headed out, parked a good 8 blocks away from where I wanted to be sitting. First of all a guitar is heavy, so is a catholic Bible, (ya know, all those extra books lol) and then my water bottle. ITs FL so its HOT as all get out. Like I could have friend an egg on the cement had I had an egg. Anyway I’m walking down Palofax and I come upon a dang riot. Well riot is not a good word. “Gathering” “Supporters” with picket signs and the likes about SOMETHING. I don’t keep up with the news y’all. Its sad. I have enough sadness in my life. Something about supporting a congress man and I know they didn’t like Trump too much. I went LIVE with it on Facebook. I thought it was neat to walk up on that on my way to do this. So I watched that for a bit and then kept walking. I came upon a regular lady. A homeless lady who plays the guitar. She complemented mine and I said I would love to start a band. Haha apparently they prefer to work alone but I took no offense she told me where I could go. So I went down there. Along the way I passed another couple. They remembered me from when I had money and I used to always give them a dollar or a smoke. This time it was me on the other side. They were shocked. I’m sure a lot of them were. I assured them it was not a joke. WHO WOULD SIT IN THAT HEAT FOR A JOKE. Plus I would never want to take advantage of someone like that. So I sat below the Sanger theater sign. I played, and played and played, and played. People would walk by and not even look down. I would tear up. I was shocked someone didn’t call the cops on me for having an emotional break down on the street of Palofax. I’m a quiet crier though. I was crying not only for myself but the whole world of homeless people. They don’t even get treated like they are human. I had so many people cross the street just to avoid me. Do you know how that made me feel. The worst was when someone would reach in their pocket like they were going to give me something and I got excited and then they didn’t and I realized they put their hand in their pocket for protection. I would never take from someone else. And besides unless I use “the force” how am I supposed to get into your pocket?!? People are sooo weird. And its the little things that hurt and hell I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it. Do we realize how the small actions we do impact people on such a large scale. This is temporary for me I hope for them it is not. They have to live this everyday. The sounds were muted. I just heard my own thoughts and my guitar. I really don’t recall hearing anything else. The taste was dry and bitter. The feeling was awful. The concert was hot and my feet kept going to sleep and because I hadn’t eaten I couldn’t stand up. It was terrible. I was getting dehydrated NO ONE offered me water. Can we not show some compassion. I sang last night Palms 49 and I got $1 and finally had this creepy dude leave me alone. It was from a young boy. Teach your kids right. This little boy will never know what he did. That $1 didn’t go towards my moving truck. It went towards body wash for the homeless people of Palofax street. Supplies I’m bringing them tonight. I hope to make enough for a truck but this is for them not me. I’m bringing everything I can and hope it works. My bible and their stuff and my guitar is all I need. Wish me luck you guys!!!
As I sit here and think of what else I can sell to make money I consider taking myself to the main strip with my guitar and trying to make a few bucks singing and dancing, I would bring my bible and just do and say what the Lord said. I would make a sign that said “Homeless unless I can afford a moving truck in a week, will not strip.” I don’t know what else to do. The fact of the matter is I will be homeless if I don’t get a moving truck. I was laying here sobbing and thinking if today would be a good day to die. I know morbid but just a thought and I realized it was mine and my high school sweet hearts anniversary. We lost our virginities together so he is super special in my heart and is no longer with us. I whispered “Happy anniversary Will” and the one song he always said was about me came on my pandora so I knew he heard.
You may not believe in the afterlife but I do. I know he heard me. Its been a year and a half since I lost him. I have taken hit after hit after hit. My child hood best friend is no longer with me. The man who took me in as his own is no longer here. So many lost loves. So much pain. And now to bear the thought of becoming homeless the only thing I have is my faith. That is what Will tried so hard to cling to. And thats what I shall cling to. I will bring my guitar that he talked me into getting and go down to Palofax street and sing and dance and play with my bible and just sing and hope people tip me for being goofy. I don’t see myself as a beggar in the street, well maybe I am but I will provide entertainment I can guarantee that lol I still haven’t decided if begging on the street will really solve anything. When you’ve hit rock bottom you’re brain goes into overdrive trying to think of ideas on which how you can survive. Survival and not on the streets is the one thing you have got to keep in mind. And how to be moral about all of it. Someone told me to steal napkins from places, y’all I can’t even do that. I can’t even do that. If they give me extra thats fine. But I won’t steal. I’ll ask. Hell I can’t even afford fast food to get the extra damn napkins lol so no I’m not running in Taco Bell taking some napkins and running out. Nope. Not going to happen. I figure 5 will be a good time to go down to Palofax. I’ve got to tune my guitar. Is this really a good idea?
I would like to metaphorically be the “great king” and not the “street beggar”. My “thought world” was so sick for so long that I go so screwed up finically that now that I’m well I can’t get my head above water. I know its my own fault but I just want to breathe. Maybe I need to hit homeless shock bottom. I can still write my blog at coffee shops. I’ll stink lol but I can do it. I’ll start over and get a job somewhere. I don’t know just thinking about the worse case scenario. Being on the streets is a very very scary thought. But its a very real thought.
I hate leaving. I hate saying goodbye. I try to be funny and silly but y’all I am bawling my eyes out the entire ride to wherever it is that I’m going. I don’t do so well before saying goodbye either. You know the saying or the saying that its easier to push people away then it is to say goodbye. Yea, well, I do that. I think, well, I know I did that. Have done that recently and maybe even tonight. I can’t help that I don’t do well with goodbyes and that subconsciously I will come up with reasons to make people NOT want to see me. NOT want to say goodbye. What sense does that make? None. I never said I made sense. I do not come with a disclaimer. I must warn you of that.
If I did life would probably be much easier for me, people would know what to expect. I have to learn the hard way. I have to experience things for myself. Thats the way I learn, is by experience, so therefore if you enable me I don’t learn anything. I get worse. I get sicker. I am fixing all of that. I have hit rock bottom. I am selling everything so I can pay debts back. I will ride a bike. I do not care. I hope it has a pretty little basket. With a little bell too! Through all my pain I’m trying to think positive I just have to figure out how I’m going to get the title to my car and how I’m going to sell it in two weeks. Thats the issue. I know it can be done but HOW. HOW. I HAVEN’T had a migraine in 5 months and I have one right now thinking about how I’m going to move in less than two weeks. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t afford a taco much less a moving truck. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I try so hard to support my friends and I get over whelmed and I’ll admit I do like pretty things but I get caught up in the madness that is life. That is trying to do the right thing. Trying to help. I forget about ME! And here I am leaving so I can be alone with ME dang it. I need some alone time. I’ll miss every soul that has touched my life here which is so so so so so many people but I am so happy to be leaving. Just not real sure how its going to happen at this point. I’m also deciding to quit taking valium all together. I thinks thats also why I feel like poop. With drawls are no fun. I hope all my rivers here have bridges and if they be crushes may they be able to be mended through the work of the powerful and mighty beaver over time. Leaving sucks. It just does. But coming home is exciting. Lets just hope I can make it!
I had to post this. The title of this blog is the name of a book about BPD. I can’t tell you how terrible it is having this disorder. I feel abandoned all the time. Sometimes for legit reasons sometimes for reasons that mean nothing. One day on this blog I got over 70 views. Now I barely get 20. Please share this. Share my story. Help someone. Someone can benefit from what I talk about I just know it. I don’t know who but someone will.
You see I am not BEING abandoned necessarily but I am ABANDONING people I care about. I am leaving people that care immensely about me and that I care immensely about. And it hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever get married now. I may be wrong but in the sense of the word I don’t think it will happen. I’ll never have a pretty white dress, I’ll never walk down any isle, and thats fine with me. I’m OKAY with that. Really I am. I’VE EVEN LOVED SOMEONE ENOUGH TO CONSIDER THE THOUGHT OF REHOMING MY CATS AT SOME POINT. LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. Love in the sense of things can work if two people are willing to work at it and give and take. Is there chemistry? Do they make you happy? Do they fit your spiritual needs? Are they on your maturity level? OR are they on the way there. I am not in the place or time for a relationship and I know that and I’m okay with that. I still have growing to do. Thats why I’m moving to the very first place I was on my own. I made myself then and I can make myself now. I know I can. Professor Lupin has given plenty of tools and even has taught me how to produce a very very nice protonus charm. Also the beauty of chocolate which in our world is records. He has been so amazing and such a blessing and I hope he shows up in chapters to come in my life but shall he not I will always come to back to this one and look back with fondness.
We all know I feel too much. We all know that. Well one reason I feel abandoned is my followers on this blog have drastically dropped. My views and likes. But ya know what at least someone SOMEONE cares enough to take the time to read this and follow my story and my growth. I accomplished something great today. I did something by myself that I really didn’t want to do and was talked into the courage by professor Lupin himself. I asked him to go with me and I don’t think its that he didn’t want to I think he wanted me to overcome a fear which I did with grace and poise and there was even a frog involved lol. I should have snapped a photo.. maybe next time.
For those of you that read this and follow me I hope it touches your soul like it touches mine to write it. I have love for the whole world so know that I have love for you too even though I may not know you. My heart is with you.
I’m at point in my life where I feel like no matter what I do its going to be wrong. To someone. Its going to hurt someone. What do you do in times like these? I wish I were wise enough to tell you. I totally would. I’m not sure anyone has figured out to do in the case of the catch 22. I always make a pros and cons sheet and whichever has the most I go with. This case is a little different. It could help me, it could hurt me. it could help and hurt me. Or it could do nothing. I’m at a loss. I wish I could speak openly but until the wind passes and I’m on the next chapter this one must remain a mystery. But hey I gotta keep you reading somehow.
The question is DO I know what I’m doing or is “impulsive I just want results Katie”. I get that way sometimes. I try to follow my gut I try to pray about things and follow what God wants in my life. Ive really tried to grasp hold of that lately. If God is for me who can be against me. I am for the people. I am out to help people. I listen to people when they don’t think I am. I hear and see things people don’t realize I’m seeing or hearing. I’m way more observant. Theres this HUGE funny AF joke at work about my staring and how I can stare a hole in your soul. What am I doing when I’m off staring? I’m observing. I’m looking and listening to everything around me. People give me way less credit than I’m due. All of that said I do know the risk but is it worth it. I have observed things in life I wish I hadn’t and thats okay but what do you do with that?
Dear God, Thank you for all the friends, angels and king snakes you’ve put in my life, thank you for all the people you’ve brought into my life that have guided me back to your wonderful undying love. The love I’ve needed so bad. Give me the wisdom and clarity to make a decision based on your love and you justice that you would want. Lord guide me in these hard times, guide all the people in my life that they may know what to do as well. Lord I am not perfect and I ask that you take these imperfections and clean them and make them beautiful in your eyes. Lord I love you above all else. I ask all these things in your name I pray. Amen
Bee like the flower. Wait. The answers will come. They won’t always be easy. I can promise you they won’t always be easy but you will get through it. I was a bit wrong in “The Five Hierarchies of love”. There are snakes and there have been snakes recently in my life that have stolen from me, panhandled me, taken advantage of my kindness. These things are all true but what I realized is there are people who were giving me tough love or distancing themselves from me for their own reasons and they are the best snakes. King Snakes. King Snakes kill the bad snakes. I am grateful for the KING SNAKES in my life without them I wouldn’t be alive. With that being said I’m not perfect and I acknowledge that and I have made mistakes and hurt people I love with words. And for that I am sorry but I have the right to express myself and grow in the way that I know how. Writing. Sharing. Helping people. Teaching. This may help someone else avoid my mistakes. That is my hope.
This is the king snake my father and nice and nephew released this morning. Irony for you. I released my king snake tonight.
Patience is a virtue I need to work on very badly in every aspect of my life. Patience is more than just waiting. Its being present in the here and now. Feeling Shakespeare next to me. Feeling the warm blanket on my skin. Smelling my diffuser. Tasting the salt water I am drinking going Keto. Grounding skills is the first step to patience. Breathing is the first step to patience. Look around be thankful for everything around you. All that you have. Not only will you gain humility but it will give you strength to have patience for whats to come.
When you basically have nothing to your name its easy to become meek. And I think thats why I’m learning to become more patient with people. I am human I have my moments. I lose my cool when people do things to me when I’ve done to them and think its okay but how can I be the one that judges them. HOW DARE I be the one that hurts like I’ve been hurt. Thats no way to act in any situation. NO MATTER what. It hurts my heart to the point of physical pain to know I’ve hurt people I care about. All because I wasn’t patient enough. We could all use a little more patience. Bee like the flower. Wait for the bee. He will come. Like Saint Faustian says patience always leads to victory. Always. I always say take it One Roe at a time. Part of that is because I sale LuLaRoe but there is a hidden reason behind that as well that many if not no one but me knows until now. One of my favorite quotes is “if there is now wind, row.” and I like to tie that in as well. The spelling still is tied to my business but I was thinking about that the whole time. Sometime you gotta be patient when you can’t row and let the stream guide you. It knows the way.