I’m at point in my life where I feel like no matter what I do its going to be wrong. To someone. Its going to hurt someone. What do you do in times like these? I wish I were wise enough to tell you. I totally would. I’m not sure anyone has figured out to do in the case of the catch 22. I always make a pros and cons sheet and whichever has the most I go with. This case is a little different. It could help me, it could hurt me. it could help and hurt me. Or it could do nothing. I’m at a loss. I wish I could speak openly but until the wind passes and I’m on the next chapter this one must remain a mystery. But hey I gotta keep you reading somehow.
The question is DO I know what I’m doing or is “impulsive I just want results Katie”. I get that way sometimes. I try to follow my gut I try to pray about things and follow what God wants in my life. Ive really tried to grasp hold of that lately. If God is for me who can be against me. I am for the people. I am out to help people. I listen to people when they don’t think I am. I hear and see things people don’t realize I’m seeing or hearing. I’m way more observant. Theres this HUGE funny AF joke at work about my staring and how I can stare a hole in your soul. What am I doing when I’m off staring? I’m observing. I’m looking and listening to everything around me. People give me way less credit than I’m due. All of that said I do know the risk but is it worth it. I have observed things in life I wish I hadn’t and thats okay but what do you do with that?
Dear God, Thank you for all the friends, angels and king snakes you’ve put in my life, thank you for all the people you’ve brought into my life that have guided me back to your wonderful undying love. The love I’ve needed so bad. Give me the wisdom and clarity to make a decision based on your love and you justice that you would want. Lord guide me in these hard times, guide all the people in my life that they may know what to do as well. Lord I am not perfect and I ask that you take these imperfections and clean them and make them beautiful in your eyes. Lord I love you above all else. I ask all these things in your name I pray. Amen
Its a cruel world and reality sucks sometimes. I came home yesterday to my water being cut off. I have no one else to blame for that but myself but the odd thing was is that I NEEDED my water to be cut off. I needed that REALITY CHECK. Reality checks suck but they aren’t always a bad thing. I am learning as I go in life. I don’t have it all figured out nor do I claim to. The reason why my water being cut off is so huge is because it showed me how important my job is to me and how I really need to get my act together and reel in my emotions. Its hard because this is an extremely difficult time for me and the tears just flow sometimes. But there is a time and place for the tears and I have to learn to control when that happens. I used to know how. I lost that skill somewhere along the road to the “Waiting Place”.
Where do you go when you are 12 ft under and you are holding the shovel?
Well you try to find the good and slowly build yourself up from that. My job was graceful enough to give me the day off since I couldn’t shower and I start fresh hahah fresh next week. I am so excited. God has given me a second chance at life as well as my job being as amazing at is. Its the best company to work for and I would recommend anyone to work there. You HAVE GOT to find the good when you are 12ft under. YOU JUST DO. Or you will be buried alive. I am so lucky to have friends and a sister who would rather have a sister alive with a roof over her head than not. I am lucky for the fiends and followers I have. I am lucky for my strength. I am lucky for my God. I am lucky for energy. And lastly but most import I am so lucky I have myself. I am so strong and amazing. I am a creative writer with so much to offer the world. My life is just beginning. Not ending.
Sometimes things don’t work out and we have to make some tough choices. Its not fun and it isn’t easy and sometimes it hurts our friends and we don’t mean to but it does hurt. I was recently in a situation where I was hurt but can totally sympathize because I KNOW my friend did not want to hurt my feelings in any way. Or hurt me in any way. And thats what ultimately breaks my heart. We are both left sad!
So now I’m like roommate less and I have two weeks or a week to come up with rent and I have no idea how thats going to happen. NO FREAKING CLUE. I do however have FAITH that it will! Faith of even a mustard seed can move mountains and y’all know if I can have faith that a panhandler is going to do something good with $90 I DIDN’T have to give but gave anyway then yea I’m sure it will work out. I am stressed to my limit. I am relying on medication and therapy to get by and I hate it. I am utterly exhausted at the end of the day. My bones ache. My HEART aches.
You are forever gone to a slumber so deep, for you there are dreams no more.
A life taken too soon, something I still have questions for.
My dreams live on without you, but in my heart forever you’ll be.
The things I’m doing, the woman I’m becoming, you’d be proud if you could see.
Dream no more, your pain is gone my love.
I can feel you all around me looking down from up above.
With the recent events of Chris Cornell and of course we all remember Robin Williams I wanna share some things that are near and dear to my heart and something that happened to me on Thursday. Tragedy has struck America recently with online bullying which I guess is “trolling” or could be turned into a form of online hazing. Depeding on the motives behind the person doing the “trolling” I suppose. I’m not real sure. I was apparently “trolled” on Thursday night for the first time 😕. People are cruel. Some people just want a fight and want to stir the pot and little do they know what they could be stirring. I have decided to do what I can by writing this and by having one of my first Lu La Roe sales to benefit To Write Love On Her Arms. I have lost so many people near and dear to me to suicide and not just to suicide either. Far to many to count. And in the past 3 years have lost 2 of my very best friends and I’ve dealt with moving all over the country, being kicked out of a click, a five year relationship break up, cutting down a business I really didn’t want to and I had someone who knows nothing about me and my plans try and judge a situation they know knew nothing of. You never know what someone is going through. We all know what assuming does. I myself deal with depression and have dealt with suicide and fortunately was able to receive the help I needed but not everyone does. I want to CHANGE that. Some how. Some way. Even if it’s a small way. 1800suicide saved my life over a decade ago. Nothing is ever worth your life. No matter how much you think is. Everyday I wish I could have saved my friends. I want to change online bullying. I want to change the world. I wish people would treat others how they want to be treated. I personally don’t think sometimes. I just think everyone is nice and well, they aren’t. And that’s life. The key is to not let it bother you. I let this person ruin my Friday and it was completely unnecessary. It’s what they wanted. And than I remember what is on my toothbrush cover that I see twice a day “never let anyone dull your sparkle”. I perked right up. Who cares what some person I’m never going to see again thinks of me. So what if they want to think negatively of me. They don’t know me. They don’t live in my heart or my brain. Nor do I live in theirs and its unfair either way for either of us to judge. I know that “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”. I want to make a difference not for myself but for the world. So it can be a better place for the kids I take care of and hopefully my future kids. Hannah this is for us. This is for Mariah. This is for Will. This is for Dereck. This is for all those we have known and lost. I will be successful and I will reach my goals because I have to.
Where does my future stand? Where will I be in the next few months career wise? Well I am not completely certain yet as things CAN change but I am queued to be a Lu La Roe consultant in the coming weeks. I am beyond thrilled. I will be able to nanny the wonderful kids that are staying with me while working on my blog and writing and afterwards focusing on bulding the brand and fashion of Lu La Roe. I am more than thrilled. I am blessed beyond belief. If you had asked me three months ago if I would be telling you I considered myself blessed you would be crazy but here I am. I am determined to make a career goal and path for myself that I can live up to. All my life I’ve been trying to live up to what I thought other people wanted of me and now I’m doing what I think is wise for me and what I know I’m capable of. Nothing more nothing less. No one lives your life but you so you have to take it into your hands and make it your own. If you want to be a soccer player. Go do it. Nothing will stand in your way if you dedicate yourself to your craft. I already love that I was “blessed” with the opportunity to work for Lu La Roe and their business practice is blessing others. If you’re a consultant you get the bless reference. I hope to bless a lot of lives in my career and have tried to lead a very pay it forward kind of mentality my whole life. Being from the south you kind of can’t help not to be! Things are happening for me. Today is exciting. I get all my racks and start to decorate my clothing room, I get a charger for my computer so I can work more on editing this and work on women’s gathering stuff at the yoga studio, I get notebooks for our thing on Friday, at the studio, I’m thrilled about my swingline stapler and planner coming. I am starting to happen. This is the first day of my life