They say when girls go through a break up or major changes they always do something to their hair and I honestly can’t argue that. I can’t tell you one pivotal moment in my life where I didn’t do something somewhat drastic to my hair when something serious changed in my life. Tonight I discovered what Brittney Spears discovered back in 2000. It has nothing to do with making a statement to anyone else. IT has EVERTHING TO DO WITH TAKING YOUR POWER BACK!!!
This is my story and up until now I cared so deeply what everyone else thought and what everyone else thought but no. NOT ANYMORE. I have a VOICE. HA and if you know me I am really loud. I don’t mean to be but I am tone deaf so I don’t realize the pitch that I am at. Its little things people don’t know about me yet will be so quick to judge me over. They will not be friends with me over it. They will backstab me over it. I AM TAKING ALL THAT POWER BACK. So why the hell could I not wait until Thursday when a real hair dresser could cut my hair. Well heres the thing guys. It was more symbolic than anything. It was I with the scissors, it was I who was reclaiming my power.
I didn’t do half bad either. And this wasn’t the first time I have helped someone reclaim their power in this way. I have cut someones hair before and did a really good job. Of course they got it cleaned up but it didn’t look much different. It poses a question. Should I go to school for this? Its not something I really want to do but if I could help women reclaim that power then hell yea!!!
My life I’d like to be about helping people. If its smile, then smile, if its regain their power, then regain their power, if its sit in silence and pray with them, then so be it. I am at Gods mercy. I am following his will and his plan. I am to pray and discern for a year and if I still haven’t figured it out or met Prince Charming then it off to a convent for me. Which is fine with me. I would be okay serving God forever. Would you?
This isn’t the most catholic friendly song but I’m not a nun yet lol
There are Five hierarchy types of love in this world. They all have different importances in our lives and its important to know about these loves and have understanding of them. They are as follows and in no particular order; love of self, friendship love, romantic love, hard love, unconditional love, and tough love. I am going to talk to you about these five loves and there importance in ones life and how they have effected my life as of recently. My hope and prayer is that someone out there gains some wisdom or insight from this blog post. Eventually this will be a book but for now a blog will have to do. Shall we begin?
Okay so this one is tough, no pun intended for some people to swallow. Me included but it may possibly be the most important one. Without tough love we would not be able to grow as people in our maturity. Tough love is meant to help us. There is a BUT there are snakes among the sheep that try to give us tough love that although they appear to mean well, when you know someone is suicidal and you tell them you think suicide is okay in some cases, maybe not the best tough love. And now they have abandoned me. They also made some really bad decisions I stood by and was supportive over and even supported the advancement in work. But snakes are everywhere. Snakes bite, they hurt, their venom is meant to kill, will it kill me? I don’t have an answer for that. Its up for debate. Then there is tough love by your Angels. The people who love you enough to tell you the things you NEED to hear but don’t want to. LIKE you need to do the dishes, get up, we care. We love you. We want you around. Put them big girl panties on and do the damn thing. Heavens knows why or what was going through Kate Spades mind but I can tell you in any industry their are snakes EVERYWHERE. AND THEY HURT!!! I am on a line myself. Between being selfish or staying because of the second love I’m going to talk about.
As a tiny child I remember wearing a bubble gum shirt and dancing around my den of the house I grew up in, I was probably 5 years old. I was singing “I love the whole world, I love the whole world” over and over and over and over. Somehow, I don’t know how but I have managed to fit just about the whole world in my heart space and I’m only 28. I have an immense understanding of unconditional love. I even love the snakes that hurt us so bad it hurts to breathe. Even snakes need love. Unconditional love is loving someone when they don’t deserve it nor will it ever go away. Its mostly associated with family members but I have a heart as big as this world As big as the universe even. If I could sacrifice everything to make the world a better place I would. Alas I don’t think it works that way. Maybe one day when Jesus returns everything will be okay but until then try and love unconditionally when you can. Everyone deserves a chance. NO ONE deserves hate or abandonment. Which leads us right into.
You CANNOT survive without this love. This love keeps you grounded above all else. Knowing people care about you is so so important. I can’t even explain to you the love I have in my heart for this woman and this little girl. They are filled with so much of Gods joy and love to spread. I have been so bleed to have them in my life. Someone to pray with, someone to talk me logically when I’m being irrational, someone to hold me when the tears won’t stop and I can’t breathe. A little girl who cried because she thought it was the last time she would see me. That is LOVE. NOT someone trying to undermine you or point out every single flaw you have. NOT someone who kicks you when you’re already 12 feet under. All you need to do is cover me with the dirt. I understand you have to cut out toxic people. I am not toxic. I am sad. I am sick. I need love. I need friends. I have love to give and I may not be able to clean your house but I can make you laugh like Robin Williams would have. I have a good heart and I don’t deserve what I have been served in life. Life isn’t fair I know this but you would think as much LOVE as I have spread into this world some of it would make its way back to me. I have seen glimpses. That is it. Here is one.
Some people get to meet their soul mates. I did. I just didn’t survive the relationship. I bailed ship before the damn thing sank. I still consider myself lucky. He was a nerd like me, he was an introvert like me but still liked to go out every now and then. Like I said before when I was WELL he was a good man, when I got SICK, he went away. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANTIC LOVE. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF. THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. Its the heartbreak of losing it that can defeat you and nearly kill you. Knowing someone you love with everything will either see you turn to ash or become the greatest thing is terrifying. And its a lot of pressure to be honest. I know what he expects to happen. He thinks I’ll be a statistic. Will I?
I purposely saved the most important for last. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect anyone else to love you at all. You just can’t. Thats the simple hard facts. You have to look in the mirror and accept who you are for all of your flaws your imperfections. Your adult acne, your pouch, the days when you don’t feel like shaving, you nervous ticks that maybe no one gets, your awkward ways of blurting things out. YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYTHANG! And honey I do. Thats not my issue. My issue is I beat myself up. I feel like I owe the world and everyone else this huge debt of myself and if I can’t live up to it, it eats away at me like some disease. I’m beyond a people pleaser. I LOVE people. I want them to know that. I’ll show it anyway I can. I feel like I fail because I get abandoned sooo sooo much. Honestly I think I will die of broken heart disease. My heart literally aches I’m in so much pain. In the 28 years of my life I’ve never been so sad. I literally have 6 people in my area (who are NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE. who I may see once a week, one or two of them if I’m lucky) that I truly feel appreciated and loved in some way. Thats not a lot. Most people have way more of a support system than I do. Most people live with a support system. I do not. I have me and thats it and honestly guys I don’t know if I’m enough.
Its a cruel world and reality sucks sometimes. I came home yesterday to my water being cut off. I have no one else to blame for that but myself but the odd thing was is that I NEEDED my water to be cut off. I needed that REALITY CHECK. Reality checks suck but they aren’t always a bad thing. I am learning as I go in life. I don’t have it all figured out nor do I claim to. The reason why my water being cut off is so huge is because it showed me how important my job is to me and how I really need to get my act together and reel in my emotions. Its hard because this is an extremely difficult time for me and the tears just flow sometimes. But there is a time and place for the tears and I have to learn to control when that happens. I used to know how. I lost that skill somewhere along the road to the “Waiting Place”.
Where do you go when you are 12 ft under and you are holding the shovel?
Well you try to find the good and slowly build yourself up from that. My job was graceful enough to give me the day off since I couldn’t shower and I start fresh hahah fresh next week. I am so excited. God has given me a second chance at life as well as my job being as amazing at is. Its the best company to work for and I would recommend anyone to work there. You HAVE GOT to find the good when you are 12ft under. YOU JUST DO. Or you will be buried alive. I am so lucky to have friends and a sister who would rather have a sister alive with a roof over her head than not. I am lucky for the fiends and followers I have. I am lucky for my strength. I am lucky for my God. I am lucky for energy. And lastly but most import I am so lucky I have myself. I am so strong and amazing. I am a creative writer with so much to offer the world. My life is just beginning. Not ending.
There once was a girl named Kathleen who lived in world where she thought she could somehow make everything wrong in the world right but somewhere along the way her heart got so broken that she forgot what it was like to make something right much less herself. So she had to fix herself. Once she was fixed she could start her mission of fixing the wrong of the world. Slowly but surly she got strong enough to start to fix the wrongs. The logician was now in charge of the magician.
Annnnnywaay now that that song is over. Irony. All of this is Irony. My karaoke song. See me singing it by clicking this hilarious URL lol Ironic by Katie Scheel I clearly can’t sing but thats the irony or karaoke is you’re not supposed to be good at it. you’re supposed to have fun. Life is a journey. Everyone we meet either is put there to love us forever and be a forever person or to teach us something about ourselves. Its up you to determine what thats going to be and with who. YOU determine who you let in your heart and who you reveal your secrets to. Its YOU who decides who comes with your soul when you leave somewhere or when it comes to making friends or relationships in general. I missed out on learning the most intimate thing about the person I spent almost 5 years with. Who HE REALLY was and Ya know what he missed out and see ME too. And its a shame. I’m on my journey to becoming a school counselor and he’s on his journey. We missed our chance. I’m over him. I’m not over what I missed out on. NOT him lol don’t get me confused. The chance to bond with someone on that level. In todays society though thats soooo sooo sooo common for a couple to not even know each other. I’m sooo glad he never asked me to marry him. I’m so glad I left. I’m glad for BOTH our sake. Maybe another time or something but he had no idea who I was and vise versa. Thats not love..thats not a love God would want. I do want a Godly love. I do have my temptations and my sins and I’ll confess that but ultimately I would like to end up with someone who wants to raise kids in a Godly manner. Thats just me. Anyway its getting late so with that being said.
I will choose to be someone important. It is so hard. It is so hard not to give up. If you ever read this, this song is for you. DPL Was it ever? I have been crying the last 12 hours straight almost. How is that possible? HOW? HOW? How does one have that many tears to cry? I am moving and that is a huge step for me. That ends so much for me. That means so much is over. My job, my LuLaRoe here at least, my friends, the few I have here, the life I’ve built. My world is just falling apart around me and all I can do is watch. I am standing on a rock in the middle of the ocean, lost. Moving will solve nothing. It will only solve some of the finical burdens. Its me thats broken. I let a heart break BREAK ME. It broke me. I HURT so badly. I GUESS knowing where the sadness is coming from helps. Its a starting point.
My plan is to get a job in Columbus MS and enroll in the community college there for the fall. I WANT to be a school counselor. I WILL be a school counselor. I AM FINALLY NOT WASTING MY TIME WAITING. WAITING FOR SOMETHING THATS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. THERE ARE NO RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES, THERE IS NO PRINCE COMING.
I can’t help how much I love when I love someone. ONCE I love you I love you FOREVER. I can’t stop it, its just how my heart works. I’m not in love with you anymore I just have love for you. HOPEFULLY there are other people out there that love like that. Love and the potential for loss will always be wherever I go. I’m not ready for anything but casual but I DON’T even want that in Columbus. I WANT to be alone there. A hermit. I DON’T ever want to leave my house. I PROBABLY won’t. I want to learn to depend on no one but me. I’m tired of relying on others. I know its okay to need help. I get that. I get that I’m not all together well but I’m tired of all the sympathy, I’m tired of straining my friendships, I’m tired of losing friends. I’m tired of being am issue. Thats one reason I don’t want to be here on planet earth. I’m always always a problem. And I’m tired of it.
If anyone knows me AT ALL they know that THIS is my song at karaoke. My best friend and I were supposed to go to Beale Street music festival. She had gotten us tickets and everything. I couldn’t have afforded to go otherwise. Its all I have been looking forward to the past few weeks because with my aunt dying, my ex ignoring even the text tell him she had passed, stress from finances, stress from work, loneliness, etc, I haven’t had much else to look forward to. I was going to get to see the karaoke “Ironic” singer herself and my favorite band of all time. Third Eye Blind. For people like me who are really sick sometimes all it takes is just one thing to keep us going. I no longer have that. Not that it would have mattered much longer because it will be over soon. Irony is a bitch because I need this concert now more than ever. But life has a funny funny way of working out just the way we need it to.
Life has been very ironic to me lately and very literal. I can’t seem to get over it. I’ll give you an example that is a little to spot on to what my everyday life is like.
So I’m on “E” but I am already running late to a Drs appointment 20min away and I have work afterwards so I have got to be on time. So I am praying literally the whole way there “God please let me make it to the Dr without running out gas, God please just let me make it to the Dr.” I didn’t have time to stop on the way but luckily I made it! I ran up to my Drs appointment only to find out I was a day early! I busted out crying saying how I drove 20 min away on E and that I had to be seen because I was very sick. I had started to aspirate in my sleep at this time. I was already over this morning. This meant I would be late to work which is a huge no no. Especially for me. I went to my car to charge my phone. As soon as I cranked my car to charge my phone it died. As in ran out of gas. I lost it. After calling dear friend and finding the humor in the fact that God quite literally answered my prayer I was okay. Still sucked but I was okay. I sat there nearly 4 hours including waiting on the Dr and gas to think about my mistakes and the grace God had given me. I deal with things of this nature on a daily basis. Its just my luck, its just my life.
And here is Murphy’s law
This week has been Cray Cray. Like crazy. I almost thought I was going to lose my job. One of the only things I wake up everyday for. All because I’m sick and I didn’t’ know how to ask for sick leave. Luckily I have a therapist who really cares and saw if she didn’t do something it wasn’t going to be good. I can’t say I don’t have people that care about me because that just not true. I know I do. Just because one person won’t acknowledge I exist doesn’t mean I don’t matter. Anywho IOP was SUPPOSED to start on Wednesday but I had to start it on Friday. It went okay. Apparently I’m a pro at DBT, which clearly you can know the skills but still not be good at them. Or else I wouldn’t need IOP. I feel like every time I get overwhelmed or stressed or both I go into an episode. Up until I was given the green light to take a couple of weeks off every moment of every day felt like a disassociation. I wasn’t me because I wasn’t there. I was some where else trying to avoid reality. So aside from starting IOP what else did I do instead of going to a concert that was keeping me going:
I cleaned and organized the LuLaRoom
I deep cleaned my couch (much needed y’all, much needed)
I started folding and putting away the immense amount of laundry I have YET to put up since moving
I planned a super sweet, stay at home cook, eat under the stars, listen to records, and canoe the blackwater river third/fourth date.
I wrote a letter to the founder of the company that I represent thanking them for saving my life and seeing what else they can do to assist me. It took courage but I told my story.
And I wrote this blog entry
Life isn’t perfect but I made the most of a super shitty situation. I had a great day. It was amazing on the river. Its Ironic how much, we shall call him for blog sake Professor Lupin (it was Walter White but the more I got to know about him he’s totally Lupin) we have in common. Yet how different we are. Right now we are just friends and I’d say dating as friends and maybe we will see what happens. Either way I’m happy to have a new friend and someone to go canoeing with. Its hard to meet someone and have to tell them right off the bat “oh by the way I’m unpacking some baggage lol
what a puuurfect day
One of the saddest things for me this weekend was not seeing my best friend and seeing third eye blind. So I’ll close with one of my favorite songs by them.
You are forever gone to a slumber so deep, for you there are dreams no more.
A life taken too soon, something I still have questions for.
My dreams live on without you, but in my heart forever you’ll be.
The things I’m doing, the woman I’m becoming, you’d be proud if you could see.
Dream no more, your pain is gone my love.
I can feel you all around me looking down from up above.
With the recent events of Chris Cornell and of course we all remember Robin Williams I wanna share some things that are near and dear to my heart and something that happened to me on Thursday. Tragedy has struck America recently with online bullying which I guess is “trolling” or could be turned into a form of online hazing. Depeding on the motives behind the person doing the “trolling” I suppose. I’m not real sure. I was apparently “trolled” on Thursday night for the first time 😕. People are cruel. Some people just want a fight and want to stir the pot and little do they know what they could be stirring. I have decided to do what I can by writing this and by having one of my first Lu La Roe sales to benefit To Write Love On Her Arms. I have lost so many people near and dear to me to suicide and not just to suicide either. Far to many to count. And in the past 3 years have lost 2 of my very best friends and I’ve dealt with moving all over the country, being kicked out of a click, a five year relationship break up, cutting down a business I really didn’t want to and I had someone who knows nothing about me and my plans try and judge a situation they know knew nothing of. You never know what someone is going through. We all know what assuming does. I myself deal with depression and have dealt with suicide and fortunately was able to receive the help I needed but not everyone does. I want to CHANGE that. Some how. Some way. Even if it’s a small way. 1800suicide saved my life over a decade ago. Nothing is ever worth your life. No matter how much you think is. Everyday I wish I could have saved my friends. I want to change online bullying. I want to change the world. I wish people would treat others how they want to be treated. I personally don’t think sometimes. I just think everyone is nice and well, they aren’t. And that’s life. The key is to not let it bother you. I let this person ruin my Friday and it was completely unnecessary. It’s what they wanted. And than I remember what is on my toothbrush cover that I see twice a day “never let anyone dull your sparkle”. I perked right up. Who cares what some person I’m never going to see again thinks of me. So what if they want to think negatively of me. They don’t know me. They don’t live in my heart or my brain. Nor do I live in theirs and its unfair either way for either of us to judge. I know that “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”. I want to make a difference not for myself but for the world. So it can be a better place for the kids I take care of and hopefully my future kids. Hannah this is for us. This is for Mariah. This is for Will. This is for Dereck. This is for all those we have known and lost. I will be successful and I will reach my goals because I have to.
“Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”
Frank Herbert, Dune (Dune #1)
Change is something inevitable in life. Change is something I crave and at the same exact time run far away from. I wouldn’t like a life without some spice added to it, (no Dune pun intended there). My daycare is changing, my writing is moving forward, my passions are progressing. I am growing. I am becoming the woman I am meant to be. That is exciting. This blog is meant to catalog all those adventures. Dating, my writing, my career and school paths, the road blocks I may encounter and how I’ll overcome them. I may share past stories with you and things I’ve learned from my mistakes. Here is a short but sweet introduction to the start of a new life for me in just two weeks, then two months, then who knows from there. Life is an adventure. Let the sleeper in you awaken. Stay tuned as I work on “Escape from Palofax”, “Career Goals”, and just in general work on getting used to the lay out of WordPress itself lol so please excuse the messiness of it while I do so. I do think however it will benefit me in the long run both career and growth wise.