Yesterday I was going to do my bible study and I flipped open my bible to wherever it wanted to go and what do you know it landed on Daniel and the Lions Den. I nearly broke down to my knees because I knew this was a story I needed to hear and actually read and understand in the Bible. Daniel not only prayed for himself but he prayed for his king who sent him into the den of lions in the first place. We are not only to pray to God when we are in hard times but we are to pray to God for those who may have put us there for they may not have wanted to or may not have had a choice. Its so easy to forget these things. Its so easy to get caught up praying for our own needs that we forgot those of the ones who may have wronged us. David also teaches us how to be a minister in a secular world. How he refuses to giveaway of the law. I am sitting here worried about a title and worried about being illegal in another state and not being able to register my ID or my living or anything or get a job when my trust should be in the LORD and I should be praying for my ex’s safety as he fights a war not be cruel and try to do my best to get this dang title in my name.
I come graciously before you asking for your forgiveness in my sins. I ask that you absolve this from my heart. I ask that you protect all the soldiers out there protecting our country right now. Especially the one that lives so dear in my heart. Please protect them on their missions. Please keep them safe in your embrace. I am confident you will protect me in my ventures. I believe, confess, and pray this in your name, our Lord, Jesus Christ.
I have sinned so greatly. I cannot go to confession and I am heartbroken. May the story of Daniel and the Lions Den help you to come to terms with how gracious of a God we have.
I don’t know how anyone can see a homeless person and not look down. If only for a second. We all know major cities and towns are going to be full of them that is just life. IT is what being below the poverty line has done, its what not being able to qualify for disability when someone really needs it gets turned down, its what being mentally ill and not being able to get help does to a person. Its HELL. I have lived it now. BRIEFLY but I have been behind the sign and will go behind the sign again today. Not for me but for THEM. The ones who have no one to look them in the eyes. The ones who remember my face because I had given them money and talked to them before. THEY REMEMBERED ME!!! And now when I have nothing to give they are helping me out telling me times to come back and when to come and trying to take care of me. There is such a strong calling in me to help these people. More so then to make money for my moving truck. If I make money for my moving truck thats fabulous but if not then God will provide some other way. I just know it. So do you want to know what it was like behind the sign? What it felt like to beg for money with a guitar and a case for 3 hours in the hot FL heat? Do you want to know what that feels like? What it taste like? What it sounds like? Listen close and I’ll tell you.
I started my journey later than I had intended to. Headed out, parked a good 8 blocks away from where I wanted to be sitting. First of all a guitar is heavy, so is a catholic Bible, (ya know, all those extra books lol) and then my water bottle. ITs FL so its HOT as all get out. Like I could have friend an egg on the cement had I had an egg. Anyway I’m walking down Palofax and I come upon a dang riot. Well riot is not a good word. “Gathering” “Supporters” with picket signs and the likes about SOMETHING. I don’t keep up with the news y’all. Its sad. I have enough sadness in my life. Something about supporting a congress man and I know they didn’t like Trump too much. I went LIVE with it on Facebook. I thought it was neat to walk up on that on my way to do this. So I watched that for a bit and then kept walking. I came upon a regular lady. A homeless lady who plays the guitar. She complemented mine and I said I would love to start a band. Haha apparently they prefer to work alone but I took no offense she told me where I could go. So I went down there. Along the way I passed another couple. They remembered me from when I had money and I used to always give them a dollar or a smoke. This time it was me on the other side. They were shocked. I’m sure a lot of them were. I assured them it was not a joke. WHO WOULD SIT IN THAT HEAT FOR A JOKE. Plus I would never want to take advantage of someone like that. So I sat below the Sanger theater sign. I played, and played and played, and played. People would walk by and not even look down. I would tear up. I was shocked someone didn’t call the cops on me for having an emotional break down on the street of Palofax. I’m a quiet crier though. I was crying not only for myself but the whole world of homeless people. They don’t even get treated like they are human. I had so many people cross the street just to avoid me. Do you know how that made me feel. The worst was when someone would reach in their pocket like they were going to give me something and I got excited and then they didn’t and I realized they put their hand in their pocket for protection. I would never take from someone else. And besides unless I use “the force” how am I supposed to get into your pocket?!? People are sooo weird. And its the little things that hurt and hell I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it. Do we realize how the small actions we do impact people on such a large scale. This is temporary for me I hope for them it is not. They have to live this everyday. The sounds were muted. I just heard my own thoughts and my guitar. I really don’t recall hearing anything else. The taste was dry and bitter. The feeling was awful. The concert was hot and my feet kept going to sleep and because I hadn’t eaten I couldn’t stand up. It was terrible. I was getting dehydrated NO ONE offered me water. Can we not show some compassion. I sang last night Palms 49 and I got $1 and finally had this creepy dude leave me alone. It was from a young boy. Teach your kids right. This little boy will never know what he did. That $1 didn’t go towards my moving truck. It went towards body wash for the homeless people of Palofax street. Supplies I’m bringing them tonight. I hope to make enough for a truck but this is for them not me. I’m bringing everything I can and hope it works. My bible and their stuff and my guitar is all I need. Wish me luck you guys!!!
As I tuned my guitar and made my signs to go “panhandle” or beg for money. Not beg, but ask, plead, play my music and tell my story to the public in real life. Not only the most humbling thing I’ve ever done but quite possibly the most dangerous. I feel sort of like a broke spy lol which I’ve always wanted to be a spy so I guess here is my chance to feel sneaky. Or at least in harms way which is something I guess I’ve craved in some weird way. It makes me feel ALIVE. A very wise writer and English teacher inspired me and told me once that to be a good writer you must experience and write what you know about. With that being said I can with confidence tell you what hitting rock bottom is lived like. What that experience is like and I will but not today and not now. Today story is how I’m getting out of rock bottom. Today is about hope. Today is about LIVING.
I want to LIVE, I want to taste the rain, I want to feel the salt water in my nose, I want to see the sparkle in his eyes, I want to hear the music coming from my record player. I want all of these things and so much more. Not having money, being homeless or not becoming homeless, none of this can stop me from breathing and LIVING. Y’all this is not the END BUT THE BEGINNING. Don’t ever give up because things are hard. They will always be hard just be grateful for what you do have. I had Mac and cheese that required nothing but water today and my cats have food. What a blessing. What a joy. I do have friends that care about me. Maybe not many but I do have some. And that is what matters. The people that pray for me, the people that make me laugh, the people that have stuck by my side through thick and thin, through all the pains, laughs, and sorrows. Those are MY people. MY tribe. Whether here nor far they are my people. If you follow me, thank you, if you pray for me, thank you, if you’re my friend thank you. If you make me laugh, thank you, if you have given me money, thank you, IF you have supported my LuLaRoe business THANK YOU!!! YALL ARE MY PEOPLE.
Well guys you know what they say. Life happens and I need to go try and get something for telling my story and playing my guitar. My phone has to charge just a little while longer and I’m out the door. Emergency purposes only for phone. And since the clothing company I represent makes this amazing skirt with semi hidden pockets you won’t know its there. du du du du du du duuu du. See y’all I’m a spy lol
This sweet innocent little girl. Who is she at 28? Well right now she is at a turning point. Things are shifting. In a good way. Yes I am talking about myself in the third person. Oh well. I am growing. I am changing. I have been a seed planted and blooming and planting this HUGE roots so I can grow into this GIANT tree. My hope in life is to touch a life. To make a difference. To help someone. To change something. To help the world in some way. I am a writer, a fashion designer as far as outfits and styling goes, and apparently an aspiring hair dresser. I love all I meet and try to express that. It always freaks people out. I love with all of my heart. I get sad sometimes. And its not just for me, its for the world. I honestly get sad for the world sometimes and just sob. I am an emotional being. I love that being with professor Lupin has taught me to be more logical in my thinking and not so emotional. I have had so many support system members along the way teach me that. I WILL always cry over the sadness I feel for the world though. I can’t help it.
I like to be outside all of the time unless the weather is to the point where I can’t stand it. I love being active if I can. I do have medical disabilities. Camping is one of my favorite things and hiking!!! Just laying a blanket in the grass and looking up at the clouds as they pass by is just amazing for me. I am an artist. I have a very vivid imagination. I love RPG games. Video games are awesome too!! I can play shooter games pretty well! I’m such a nerd. I even know WOW and LOL. I listen to records when I can and pandora and Spotify. Life without music is no life at all. I should not be alive on several different accounts but here I am so I suppose you could say I have some Devine purpose here. I have no idea what though. Often times I want to give up but I know that God has SOMETHING planned for me. If it takes selling all my stuff and starting all over then I will. I don’t care. I’ll do it. I’ve done it before. I’ve started from nothing. What would be the difference? Symbolically I’m being reborn. This is my Saturn returns! This is my major shift. This is who Kathleen is becoming. Who I am becoming. These changes happening right now will define who I am years to come. I will chose right over wrong always. I have always had a strong moral compass. I get very bad anxiety over it. I was raised very strictly. I hate getting in trouble. So I try to follow the rules and do what is right so I don’t get in trouble and when I do get in trouble it always triggers an anxiety attack. Theres a fact many of you probably didn’t know about me. I have gotten in trouble so much lately I have trouble going to the bathroom in certain places. It has become ridiculous. I have even developed a double UTI. I AM SO TIRED of my anxiety getting in the way of my success. I know I could rock the hell out of things. We all have our flaws I just feel like mine puts a target on my back. Anxious people ALWAYS stick out. We can’t help it. Things are changing though like I said. I am no longer letting these things effect me. I am moving past the excuses, past the anxiety and focusing on me and MY DREAMS. To write a novel, have a successful career somewhere, go back to school for cosmetology and maybe fall in love or become a nun. Either works for me. I’ll end with a prayer and a song.
I Come to you with a sinful heart but a heart full of love. Lord forgive me for the pain I have caused others in recent months, weeks, or even years. Lord I ask that you keep all my friends safe and protected in your warm embrace. You are the way the truth and the light. Lord let us not forget it was you who sent your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins so that we may be forgiven. Lord I ask for forgiveness and peace. I ask this and all unspoken prayers in your name.
Jesus said to his disciples:
“You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil.
When someone strikes you on your right cheek,
turn the other one to him as well.
If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic,
hand him your cloak as well.
Should anyone press you into service for one mile,
go with him for two miles.
Give to the one who asks of you,
and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.”
In todays Gospel for the Catholic Church it teaches us not to hold grudges or do things out of revenge basically. If someone needs something you give it to them no matter what. If someone steals from you, LET them. IF someone hurts you LET them. DON’T take action, that is for God to do. Not you. Recently I tried to take something into my own hands and I’m paying for it now with feelings of immense guilt and self blame. Was I right about a few things, well everything, YES. BUT that doesn’t give me power to take things into my own hands. That is up for God to decide. I have since decided it best that maybe I take myself out of the situation all together. It will cause me much sacrifice but if it saves just one person it won’t be in vain. Not one bit.
I have felt such a sickening guilt all day, ever since reading the gospel I have been saying Hail Marys, our fathers, regular prayers and the sorrowful sins prayer ALL day. I am sick to my stomach at the though of ruining someones life. Or being the cause of anyones discomfort or set back. Thats never my intention. I have whats called “word vomit”. I don’t mean to it just happens. I have made such grave mistakes but I’m growing and learning and I hope that everything works out the way God wants it to. I have been praying and doing what he is telling me to do. This is all I know.
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” – Dory
Grief has seven major stages that we all must go through to heal properly. I’ll list them so that we are all on the same page.
Shock and Denial
Pain and Guilt
Anger and Barging
Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
Reconstruction and working through it
Acceptance and hope
I am stuck somewhere between upward turn and refection. Losing DPL hurt really bad. I am also grieving now leaving a home I made in FL. I am leaving a lot of people that care about me deeply. I saw a little cry because she thought it was the last time she was going to see me. Do you know how bad that hurt my heart. IT WAS SO PAINFUL. I hate that my moving is causing so much pain. I hate to leave my life I have made here but I feel its time for a new and better chapter in my life. Life is coming full circle for a lot of people I know. My friend Tara is moving back home to Kansas with her kids whom I will miss sooo much as well as her. I used to watch them at my daycare. OH did you know I used to run a daycare. Ha what is there I haven’t tried. I’ve also DJ’d too. Man I do scream adventure.
Grief can be good which is why this is titled “Good Grief”. Things happen for a reason. Everything you or I do happens for a reason. We don’t know it but the grief we feel is so the next love we feel is that much more precious. Once you have lost something you will never take that thing for granted again. I can attest to that. I don’t take having running water for granted anymore I can tell you that for sure. Nor love. Or the opportunity TO LOVE. Does it REALLY MATTER if we’re loved back? The point of life is to experience pain and joy. In joy lies love. Why not spread it? Whats so wrong with that. I literally get made fun of at work for saying the “L” word. But I don’t care. Thats who I am and they can get over it I love them anyway. Love isn’t always fair either. Love can be brutally honest. DPL may have been a little too brutally honest in the hurtful tones he said and the words he said but maybe if I look deeper maybe his love for me was frustrating him to the point of taking it out on me. Who knows. I can’t overanalyze it because to be honest it doesn’t matter. What does matter is to spread love. And to love honestly, hard, and without reason.
I don’t deserve your love. I deserve more grief than I do love but you have blessed me with so many times of joy that Im so grateful for. Thank you for sending your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins and so that I may be able to forgive through my grieving process and so that I may be able to love fully and honestly and without reason. Lord God I pray for all my pregnant friends that they may have healthy babies and healthy pregnancies. I know I am not worthy for an answer to this prayer but please if you hear me know that I love you and I try to love the whole world and try to do what you would do. In your name I pray this and all things unspoken in my hurting heart.
I’m at point in my life where I feel like no matter what I do its going to be wrong. To someone. Its going to hurt someone. What do you do in times like these? I wish I were wise enough to tell you. I totally would. I’m not sure anyone has figured out to do in the case of the catch 22. I always make a pros and cons sheet and whichever has the most I go with. This case is a little different. It could help me, it could hurt me. it could help and hurt me. Or it could do nothing. I’m at a loss. I wish I could speak openly but until the wind passes and I’m on the next chapter this one must remain a mystery. But hey I gotta keep you reading somehow.
The question is DO I know what I’m doing or is “impulsive I just want results Katie”. I get that way sometimes. I try to follow my gut I try to pray about things and follow what God wants in my life. Ive really tried to grasp hold of that lately. If God is for me who can be against me. I am for the people. I am out to help people. I listen to people when they don’t think I am. I hear and see things people don’t realize I’m seeing or hearing. I’m way more observant. Theres this HUGE funny AF joke at work about my staring and how I can stare a hole in your soul. What am I doing when I’m off staring? I’m observing. I’m looking and listening to everything around me. People give me way less credit than I’m due. All of that said I do know the risk but is it worth it. I have observed things in life I wish I hadn’t and thats okay but what do you do with that?
Dear God, Thank you for all the friends, angels and king snakes you’ve put in my life, thank you for all the people you’ve brought into my life that have guided me back to your wonderful undying love. The love I’ve needed so bad. Give me the wisdom and clarity to make a decision based on your love and you justice that you would want. Lord guide me in these hard times, guide all the people in my life that they may know what to do as well. Lord I am not perfect and I ask that you take these imperfections and clean them and make them beautiful in your eyes. Lord I love you above all else. I ask all these things in your name I pray. Amen
They say when girls go through a break up or major changes they always do something to their hair and I honestly can’t argue that. I can’t tell you one pivotal moment in my life where I didn’t do something somewhat drastic to my hair when something serious changed in my life. Tonight I discovered what Brittney Spears discovered back in 2000. It has nothing to do with making a statement to anyone else. IT has EVERTHING TO DO WITH TAKING YOUR POWER BACK!!!
This is my story and up until now I cared so deeply what everyone else thought and what everyone else thought but no. NOT ANYMORE. I have a VOICE. HA and if you know me I am really loud. I don’t mean to be but I am tone deaf so I don’t realize the pitch that I am at. Its little things people don’t know about me yet will be so quick to judge me over. They will not be friends with me over it. They will backstab me over it. I AM TAKING ALL THAT POWER BACK. So why the hell could I not wait until Thursday when a real hair dresser could cut my hair. Well heres the thing guys. It was more symbolic than anything. It was I with the scissors, it was I who was reclaiming my power.
I didn’t do half bad either. And this wasn’t the first time I have helped someone reclaim their power in this way. I have cut someones hair before and did a really good job. Of course they got it cleaned up but it didn’t look much different. It poses a question. Should I go to school for this? Its not something I really want to do but if I could help women reclaim that power then hell yea!!!
My life I’d like to be about helping people. If its smile, then smile, if its regain their power, then regain their power, if its sit in silence and pray with them, then so be it. I am at Gods mercy. I am following his will and his plan. I am to pray and discern for a year and if I still haven’t figured it out or met Prince Charming then it off to a convent for me. Which is fine with me. I would be okay serving God forever. Would you?
This isn’t the most catholic friendly song but I’m not a nun yet lol
There are Five hierarchy types of love in this world. They all have different importances in our lives and its important to know about these loves and have understanding of them. They are as follows and in no particular order; love of self, friendship love, romantic love, hard love, unconditional love, and tough love. I am going to talk to you about these five loves and there importance in ones life and how they have effected my life as of recently. My hope and prayer is that someone out there gains some wisdom or insight from this blog post. Eventually this will be a book but for now a blog will have to do. Shall we begin?
Okay so this one is tough, no pun intended for some people to swallow. Me included but it may possibly be the most important one. Without tough love we would not be able to grow as people in our maturity. Tough love is meant to help us. There is a BUT there are snakes among the sheep that try to give us tough love that although they appear to mean well, when you know someone is suicidal and you tell them you think suicide is okay in some cases, maybe not the best tough love. And now they have abandoned me. They also made some really bad decisions I stood by and was supportive over and even supported the advancement in work. But snakes are everywhere. Snakes bite, they hurt, their venom is meant to kill, will it kill me? I don’t have an answer for that. Its up for debate. Then there is tough love by your Angels. The people who love you enough to tell you the things you NEED to hear but don’t want to. LIKE you need to do the dishes, get up, we care. We love you. We want you around. Put them big girl panties on and do the damn thing. Heavens knows why or what was going through Kate Spades mind but I can tell you in any industry their are snakes EVERYWHERE. AND THEY HURT!!! I am on a line myself. Between being selfish or staying because of the second love I’m going to talk about.
As a tiny child I remember wearing a bubble gum shirt and dancing around my den of the house I grew up in, I was probably 5 years old. I was singing “I love the whole world, I love the whole world” over and over and over and over. Somehow, I don’t know how but I have managed to fit just about the whole world in my heart space and I’m only 28. I have an immense understanding of unconditional love. I even love the snakes that hurt us so bad it hurts to breathe. Even snakes need love. Unconditional love is loving someone when they don’t deserve it nor will it ever go away. Its mostly associated with family members but I have a heart as big as this world As big as the universe even. If I could sacrifice everything to make the world a better place I would. Alas I don’t think it works that way. Maybe one day when Jesus returns everything will be okay but until then try and love unconditionally when you can. Everyone deserves a chance. NO ONE deserves hate or abandonment. Which leads us right into.
You CANNOT survive without this love. This love keeps you grounded above all else. Knowing people care about you is so so important. I can’t even explain to you the love I have in my heart for this woman and this little girl. They are filled with so much of Gods joy and love to spread. I have been so bleed to have them in my life. Someone to pray with, someone to talk me logically when I’m being irrational, someone to hold me when the tears won’t stop and I can’t breathe. A little girl who cried because she thought it was the last time she would see me. That is LOVE. NOT someone trying to undermine you or point out every single flaw you have. NOT someone who kicks you when you’re already 12 feet under. All you need to do is cover me with the dirt. I understand you have to cut out toxic people. I am not toxic. I am sad. I am sick. I need love. I need friends. I have love to give and I may not be able to clean your house but I can make you laugh like Robin Williams would have. I have a good heart and I don’t deserve what I have been served in life. Life isn’t fair I know this but you would think as much LOVE as I have spread into this world some of it would make its way back to me. I have seen glimpses. That is it. Here is one.
Some people get to meet their soul mates. I did. I just didn’t survive the relationship. I bailed ship before the damn thing sank. I still consider myself lucky. He was a nerd like me, he was an introvert like me but still liked to go out every now and then. Like I said before when I was WELL he was a good man, when I got SICK, he went away. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANTIC LOVE. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF. THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. Its the heartbreak of losing it that can defeat you and nearly kill you. Knowing someone you love with everything will either see you turn to ash or become the greatest thing is terrifying. And its a lot of pressure to be honest. I know what he expects to happen. He thinks I’ll be a statistic. Will I?
I purposely saved the most important for last. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect anyone else to love you at all. You just can’t. Thats the simple hard facts. You have to look in the mirror and accept who you are for all of your flaws your imperfections. Your adult acne, your pouch, the days when you don’t feel like shaving, you nervous ticks that maybe no one gets, your awkward ways of blurting things out. YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYTHANG! And honey I do. Thats not my issue. My issue is I beat myself up. I feel like I owe the world and everyone else this huge debt of myself and if I can’t live up to it, it eats away at me like some disease. I’m beyond a people pleaser. I LOVE people. I want them to know that. I’ll show it anyway I can. I feel like I fail because I get abandoned sooo sooo much. Honestly I think I will die of broken heart disease. My heart literally aches I’m in so much pain. In the 28 years of my life I’ve never been so sad. I literally have 6 people in my area (who are NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE. who I may see once a week, one or two of them if I’m lucky) that I truly feel appreciated and loved in some way. Thats not a lot. Most people have way more of a support system than I do. Most people live with a support system. I do not. I have me and thats it and honestly guys I don’t know if I’m enough.
I am about to start my life all over again where I thought my life was just beginning six years ago. I was sadly disappointed. This was his favorite picture of us. You can burn all the pictures you want but you can’t burn the cloud unfortunately. Or at least I don’t know how to. Memories aren’t always bad. It wasn’t always bad. When I was healthy he was a good man. When I got sick I guess so did he. Can I truly blame him. As I have grown over the past year I’ve learned sometimes people have to let you go and you have to let people go to take care of yourself and that doesn’t mean you don’t love them it just means you sort of have to love yourself more. And yes it sucks and it hurts and its not fun at all. I know from having to be the one to LET go and having been the that was let GO…it sucks. Life in general if full of mostly these terrible awful things and mixed with this amazing beauty if you can look closely enough. I was lucky to have the time I did with him. I was lucky for the lessons he taught me. I was lucky and blessed to have been near my sister for most of our relationship. Which begs the question….was she my grounding cord. Sisters are soooo important.
My sister has basically came down from heaven like the arch angel Michael and saved me by the grace of God by giving me a roof over my head when I make it to Columbus MS. I know I’m meant to be there. I feel in my heart strings God pulling me there. Back to where it all began. I don’t need to be where it ended. I need to be where I was when there was no “him”. When there was only ME! I know in my heart of hearts I am getting well and that soon I will be independent again and he will miss out on the very best part of me. He will regret not sticking around for those bad times. And just so you know I CHOSE to leave. Just so thats clear. He wanted me to be independent and well I guess I took it a little too far. The thing is rock bottom is what I NEEDED. I would have never seen anywhere near rock bottom with him. He liked toys and expensive things. I need to simplify my life. Not have fancy “things”. Things will only fill your heart so much. And I’m not even sure its your heart its filling.
I wish I could share my heart with the world. I wish I could share all the love it has in it. I also wish I could show the world all the hurt it sees so they would have compassion for others. Maybe then the world would be a better place?
This morning I called my mother to tell her that I had a Kate Spade phone cover and it made me happy and sad all at the same time and when I did she told me that Anthony Bourdain killed himself as well. I burst into tears. Satan immediately said “do it”. “You’ll go out with the legends”. But heres the thing guys. I haven’t even had a chance to become a legend and while its sad and Anthony was a hero of mine and it really hurts I can’t do that to the people I love and most importantly I can’t cheat myself or my God out of potential good I may do the world.
Whats truly sad about all of this is the man I fell in love with is now a mean bitter person who wants nothing to do with me and shows me nothing but anger. Do I deserve that? Maybe? But does any human deserve to be treated in that manner?
DPL please come back…to where it all began. One day. I have a year of discernment.