I’m taking a break from my story line of my homeless missionary to talk about “the cool kids” something I’ve never been. Something I’ve fought to be my whole life and I don’t know why. I’m obsessed with being a “cool kid” and well, guys, its just never going to happen. Its like in the movie “The Invention of lying” I could be famous and a millionaire and I’m still going to be labeled a “loser”. Its the way of the world. I’m hot but thats about it. I’m smart but I’m nerdy and I’m awkward. For crying out loud I walked down palofax carrying a comforter to a homeless dude, cool kids don’t do that. They just don’t. I am a 4 on the enneagram which is the “individualist” which means my personality type won’t allow me to conform to society or its really hard for me. I am trying to do whats right in my heart right now. I left my job because it was the right thing to do. I didn’t fit in at my job because I am not a cool kid and I let it really really get to me and yea things can get to a harassment level pretty quick. And when harassment happens it can cause us to hold grudges or act subconsciously in a way we normally wouldn’t act. I said things I should not have said. I hurt people I can’t take back. And I have to live with that. Will they think the same about the things they said to me that hurt, I don’t know.
You will meet people who will love you just the way you are. Those are your people. Your tribe. The ones you can count on. The ones who love you without question, who will FORGIVE you when you mess up. Those are real friends. The rest, well they don’t matter do they? You matter. So take care of you and remove the people that don’t care so you can make room for the people that do. I have a going away party tonight and I know that people will be there, not many but the people that matter.
When I graduated high school I was given a copy of “OH THE PLACES YOU’LL GO” BY DR. SUESS. It never resinated with me as a child how important that book would become to me in later years. It basically has mapped out my entire 20’s. Completely and I’ll admit I have gone back and revised some places. LIKE NOW. I’ll be alone for quite some time. And whats ironic is its where I started to learn to become alone to begin with. In Columbus MS. I remember when I first moved there I didn’t have a microwave, I had no money, no job, no friends, nothing. I ate sandwiches and cut them in half and had one for dinner and one half for lunch. I ate healthy but broke healthy. I had crackers in between meals. I had help but it went right to bills. I got plates as a gift that I still own to this day, a few have broken. I remember sitting in my apartment on my futon with no internet, no tv, and no fiends and no job. What did I do. I read, I went out to meet people, I took chances, I found myself, I did puzzles, I had grill outs by myself, I read Adux Huxleuys “Brave New World” a million times. I read the Dune series. I read a ton. I am going back to THAT Katie. The alone Katie. The REAL independent Katie. Although I still may need finical help I’ll be the independent I’ve been needing this whole time.
Being alone doesn’t always have to mean you’re alone alone.
With the recent deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain who are we to say who feels alone and who doesn’t. You simply cannot judge someone by what they appear to act on the outside. Suicide has got to be taken seriously. And so does mental illness. ESPECIALLY IN OUR COUNTRY!!!! THE USA NEEDS TO WAKE THE HELL UP AND REALIZE WE ARE IN CRISIS. THIS IS A DISEASE THAT PEOPLE CANNOT SEE OR SEEK HELP UNTIL IT IS ACCEPTED. It has such a stigma no one, no one wants to admit they are mentally ill. I bet none of you reading this would proudly talk in front of thousands about being mentally ill. But ya know what? I would. And someday maybe I will. I have been on the verge of death too many times. I can’t tell you what stopped me but what I can tell you is that I’m glad it did. I have too much to offer the world and too many people it would hurt. If it weren’t for my sister I would be homeless and thats the case with most of our homeless. They are mentally ill and sick and sad all at the same time. Its time to wake up America.
Alone isn’t forever. Someday. Someone how. I will meet someone or meet my calling and I will not be alone. Nor is being alone bad. I look forward to getting to know myself again. I am beautiful inside and out and I know in my heart my soul will eventually want to remain here on planet earth.
Its a cruel world and reality sucks sometimes. I came home yesterday to my water being cut off. I have no one else to blame for that but myself but the odd thing was is that I NEEDED my water to be cut off. I needed that REALITY CHECK. Reality checks suck but they aren’t always a bad thing. I am learning as I go in life. I don’t have it all figured out nor do I claim to. The reason why my water being cut off is so huge is because it showed me how important my job is to me and how I really need to get my act together and reel in my emotions. Its hard because this is an extremely difficult time for me and the tears just flow sometimes. But there is a time and place for the tears and I have to learn to control when that happens. I used to know how. I lost that skill somewhere along the road to the “Waiting Place”.
Where do you go when you are 12 ft under and you are holding the shovel?
Well you try to find the good and slowly build yourself up from that. My job was graceful enough to give me the day off since I couldn’t shower and I start fresh hahah fresh next week. I am so excited. God has given me a second chance at life as well as my job being as amazing at is. Its the best company to work for and I would recommend anyone to work there. You HAVE GOT to find the good when you are 12ft under. YOU JUST DO. Or you will be buried alive. I am so lucky to have friends and a sister who would rather have a sister alive with a roof over her head than not. I am lucky for the fiends and followers I have. I am lucky for my strength. I am lucky for my God. I am lucky for energy. And lastly but most import I am so lucky I have myself. I am so strong and amazing. I am a creative writer with so much to offer the world. My life is just beginning. Not ending.
You are forever gone to a slumber so deep, for you there are dreams no more.
A life taken too soon, something I still have questions for.
My dreams live on without you, but in my heart forever you’ll be.
The things I’m doing, the woman I’m becoming, you’d be proud if you could see.
Dream no more, your pain is gone my love.
I can feel you all around me looking down from up above.
With the recent events of Chris Cornell and of course we all remember Robin Williams I wanna share some things that are near and dear to my heart and something that happened to me on Thursday. Tragedy has struck America recently with online bullying which I guess is “trolling” or could be turned into a form of online hazing. Depeding on the motives behind the person doing the “trolling” I suppose. I’m not real sure. I was apparently “trolled” on Thursday night for the first time 😕. People are cruel. Some people just want a fight and want to stir the pot and little do they know what they could be stirring. I have decided to do what I can by writing this and by having one of my first Lu La Roe sales to benefit To Write Love On Her Arms. I have lost so many people near and dear to me to suicide and not just to suicide either. Far to many to count. And in the past 3 years have lost 2 of my very best friends and I’ve dealt with moving all over the country, being kicked out of a click, a five year relationship break up, cutting down a business I really didn’t want to and I had someone who knows nothing about me and my plans try and judge a situation they know knew nothing of. You never know what someone is going through. We all know what assuming does. I myself deal with depression and have dealt with suicide and fortunately was able to receive the help I needed but not everyone does. I want to CHANGE that. Some how. Some way. Even if it’s a small way. 1800suicide saved my life over a decade ago. Nothing is ever worth your life. No matter how much you think is. Everyday I wish I could have saved my friends. I want to change online bullying. I want to change the world. I wish people would treat others how they want to be treated. I personally don’t think sometimes. I just think everyone is nice and well, they aren’t. And that’s life. The key is to not let it bother you. I let this person ruin my Friday and it was completely unnecessary. It’s what they wanted. And than I remember what is on my toothbrush cover that I see twice a day “never let anyone dull your sparkle”. I perked right up. Who cares what some person I’m never going to see again thinks of me. So what if they want to think negatively of me. They don’t know me. They don’t live in my heart or my brain. Nor do I live in theirs and its unfair either way for either of us to judge. I know that “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”. I want to make a difference not for myself but for the world. So it can be a better place for the kids I take care of and hopefully my future kids. Hannah this is for us. This is for Mariah. This is for Will. This is for Dereck. This is for all those we have known and lost. I will be successful and I will reach my goals because I have to.
Where does my future stand? Where will I be in the next few months career wise? Well I am not completely certain yet as things CAN change but I am queued to be a Lu La Roe consultant in the coming weeks. I am beyond thrilled. I will be able to nanny the wonderful kids that are staying with me while working on my blog and writing and afterwards focusing on bulding the brand and fashion of Lu La Roe. I am more than thrilled. I am blessed beyond belief. If you had asked me three months ago if I would be telling you I considered myself blessed you would be crazy but here I am. I am determined to make a career goal and path for myself that I can live up to. All my life I’ve been trying to live up to what I thought other people wanted of me and now I’m doing what I think is wise for me and what I know I’m capable of. Nothing more nothing less. No one lives your life but you so you have to take it into your hands and make it your own. If you want to be a soccer player. Go do it. Nothing will stand in your way if you dedicate yourself to your craft. I already love that I was “blessed” with the opportunity to work for Lu La Roe and their business practice is blessing others. If you’re a consultant you get the bless reference. I hope to bless a lot of lives in my career and have tried to lead a very pay it forward kind of mentality my whole life. Being from the south you kind of can’t help not to be! Things are happening for me. Today is exciting. I get all my racks and start to decorate my clothing room, I get a charger for my computer so I can work more on editing this and work on women’s gathering stuff at the yoga studio, I get notebooks for our thing on Friday, at the studio, I’m thrilled about my swingline stapler and planner coming. I am starting to happen. This is the first day of my life