I hate leaving. I hate saying goodbye. I try to be funny and silly but y’all I am bawling my eyes out the entire ride to wherever it is that I’m going. I don’t do so well before saying goodbye either. You know the saying or the saying that its easier to push people away then it is to say goodbye. Yea, well, I do that. I think, well, I know I did that. Have done that recently and maybe even tonight. I can’t help that I don’t do well with goodbyes and that subconsciously I will come up with reasons to make people NOT want to see me. NOT want to say goodbye. What sense does that make? None. I never said I made sense. I do not come with a disclaimer. I must warn you of that.
If I did life would probably be much easier for me, people would know what to expect. I have to learn the hard way. I have to experience things for myself. Thats the way I learn, is by experience, so therefore if you enable me I don’t learn anything. I get worse. I get sicker. I am fixing all of that. I have hit rock bottom. I am selling everything so I can pay debts back. I will ride a bike. I do not care. I hope it has a pretty little basket. With a little bell too! Through all my pain I’m trying to think positive I just have to figure out how I’m going to get the title to my car and how I’m going to sell it in two weeks. Thats the issue. I know it can be done but HOW. HOW. I HAVEN’T had a migraine in 5 months and I have one right now thinking about how I’m going to move in less than two weeks. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t afford a taco much less a moving truck. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I try so hard to support my friends and I get over whelmed and I’ll admit I do like pretty things but I get caught up in the madness that is life. That is trying to do the right thing. Trying to help. I forget about ME! And here I am leaving so I can be alone with ME dang it. I need some alone time. I’ll miss every soul that has touched my life here which is so so so so so many people but I am so happy to be leaving. Just not real sure how its going to happen at this point. I’m also deciding to quit taking valium all together. I thinks thats also why I feel like poop. With drawls are no fun. I hope all my rivers here have bridges and if they be crushes may they be able to be mended through the work of the powerful and mighty beaver over time. Leaving sucks. It just does. But coming home is exciting. Lets just hope I can make it!
Do you know what its like to go blind over someone? Have you ever listened to the words of this song? I know what its like. I have experienced a love that wasn’t planned or wanted or expected. And I still don’t understand it. I don’t question what life puts in front of me. I just greet it with a smile, sometimes with a confused look. None the less I acknowledge it as a feeling as something there. Even though it maybe nothing I still see it as there. I go blind when I look into his eyes and see them sparkle back. I go blind when I see his smile. I go blind when he makes me smile. I will miss him greatly but its a sacrifice I’m willing to make for a better life. Love isn’t everything in life like they make it out to be in tv and movies. Yes it can fuel you and get you by but it isn’t going to pay your bills unless your after the wrong kind of love. I however am not. I’ve never had a crush on a professor before. Its not against the rules seeing as how I’m not a student but its still strange. Usually I am on the same level, I have never fallen for someone so high above me. ahahah Tal Bacman. Anyone? Anyone? High above me? Anyway. There is no reason he should be with someone like me. He could perceivably do much better in the dating pool as far as finical stability and power goes. I won’t always be at the bottom of the totem pole. One day I’ll own the bitch. One day. Not today. Not tomorrow. But one day.
Don’t wait around. I had never played volleyball until today because I was scared I would suck at it. Well come to find out I don’t. I am actually quite good at it considering I had no idea what I was doing. Take risk, take chances, try new things, play the drums if you want dang it. No one is stopping you but you. Are you going blind in a bad way? Can you not see whats right in front of you? All the chances? Take a look in the mirror. What are you blind to? Who makes you go blind? Is it a good thing? or do they distract you from the ultimate mission? Think about this.
What is confidentiality? What is privacy? What is heard and not heard? I have recently had two instances on one social media and one on pandora where an advertisement targeted something I had just TALKED about. Not a single thing I had posted about or anything. Pretty freaky huh. And two weeks before it was decided that I moved to Columbus MS there was this State Farm commercial for Columbus that kept coming on my pandora. Do we really read what we click yes to?
I found this out this the hard way. Everything you disclose what you know to becomes part of your story. And like it or not you have to live with that. There are some things in this world that we cannot take back no matter how much we want to. Brian I am so sorry. Peter is sorry. Peter was being Peter. There is always two sides to every story. Always. If not life would be very one sided and boring. If I had a choice we would go back to the old days, before technology took over. Before blogs…before..SOCIAL MEDIA. WHERE THERE WERE BIKE CLUBS. LIKE REAL BIKES. No joke you guys. I HATE this crap. BUT its where my business is at. So I might as well blog too. The song of the day is for Brian. Short but sweet and to the point.
I had to post this. The title of this blog is the name of a book about BPD. I can’t tell you how terrible it is having this disorder. I feel abandoned all the time. Sometimes for legit reasons sometimes for reasons that mean nothing. One day on this blog I got over 70 views. Now I barely get 20. Please share this. Share my story. Help someone. Someone can benefit from what I talk about I just know it. I don’t know who but someone will.
You see I am not BEING abandoned necessarily but I am ABANDONING people I care about. I am leaving people that care immensely about me and that I care immensely about. And it hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever get married now. I may be wrong but in the sense of the word I don’t think it will happen. I’ll never have a pretty white dress, I’ll never walk down any isle, and thats fine with me. I’m OKAY with that. Really I am. I’VE EVEN LOVED SOMEONE ENOUGH TO CONSIDER THE THOUGHT OF REHOMING MY CATS AT SOME POINT. LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. Love in the sense of things can work if two people are willing to work at it and give and take. Is there chemistry? Do they make you happy? Do they fit your spiritual needs? Are they on your maturity level? OR are they on the way there. I am not in the place or time for a relationship and I know that and I’m okay with that. I still have growing to do. Thats why I’m moving to the very first place I was on my own. I made myself then and I can make myself now. I know I can. Professor Lupin has given plenty of tools and even has taught me how to produce a very very nice protonus charm. Also the beauty of chocolate which in our world is records. He has been so amazing and such a blessing and I hope he shows up in chapters to come in my life but shall he not I will always come to back to this one and look back with fondness.
We all know I feel too much. We all know that. Well one reason I feel abandoned is my followers on this blog have drastically dropped. My views and likes. But ya know what at least someone SOMEONE cares enough to take the time to read this and follow my story and my growth. I accomplished something great today. I did something by myself that I really didn’t want to do and was talked into the courage by professor Lupin himself. I asked him to go with me and I don’t think its that he didn’t want to I think he wanted me to overcome a fear which I did with grace and poise and there was even a frog involved lol. I should have snapped a photo.. maybe next time.
For those of you that read this and follow me I hope it touches your soul like it touches mine to write it. I have love for the whole world so know that I have love for you too even though I may not know you. My heart is with you.
Why am I pacing my house? Why can’t I sit still? Why can’t I pack and clean? Why can’t I focus like I did last night? I had a good day yesterday. I had a bad day today thats why. But, theres a but. I have something to look forward to tomorrow. I get to see professor Lupin. Even though things aren’t serious and he’s just a friend, he makes me laugh and he makes me smile, he’s been a great friend. I hate to go but I’m excited for the adventure ahead. I wish he could come but thats not how life works. And I know that. I’m okay with that. I’m grateful to have someone to have a release with and share in confidence with things going on in my life. I appreciate that he accepts me for who I am, which is not perfect, getting better everyday but not perfect. He knew from the get go I was going through things. (hahahahaha don’t read into this video please I’m just now listening to the actual video and I’m like omg this is terrible. The song on pandora is not like this so I’m finding another version because this is awful. Or maybe I should leave it because its funny and its raw and its me and it has nothing to do with anything. I just like the song.} I’ve been a liar, I’ve been a cheat, I’ve been it all. Thats the point I was trying to make. Its cool the video was an interview as well. Never judge someone. If that song teaches you anything is to not judge someone, try and love beyond all reason. Even when it makes no sense. So it does have relevance. Be like professor Lupin. Be accepting and kind. He is kind. He is a chapter I will remember fondly. Bookmarked with laughs and new experiences.
And that is the truth right there. Right freakin there. Kapaow. Me in a quote. Lupin is allergic to cats if you can ironically imagine that so I have to decat my home. Its very satisfying to deep clean almost weekly lol but honestly because of that I only clean when he comes over because then I just super clean so yea kind of need to break that habit. At least I’ve acknowledged it and I’m getting better at it actually. Mopped my floors before work the other day lol so props to me. Why am I productive one minute and super lethargic the next, well for one I do have genetic condition in which I don’t absorb B vitamins or folic acid. That could attribute to it. I haven’t eaten much today either since I’m so broke and finally today just flat out sucked but knowing how much fun tomorrow will be is exciting and motivates me to finish this and clean!!!!
Sooo I started to Journal again and I think its super important. I can phase out the unnecessary and provide the necessary. Or rather just have a personal outlet. Everyone should journal. Its flat out healthy. It will help you not forget. Remembering is IMPORTANT. I forget all the time especially being soooo stressed out. Memory loss is one of the number one symptoms of major stress. I picked up someone else’s phone at work today you guys. Thinking it was mine. WTH. I’m that freakin stressed. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. God only knows what this person thinks about me now. Anyway journal so you don’t pick up someone else’s phone lol
There are Five hierarchy types of love in this world. They all have different importances in our lives and its important to know about these loves and have understanding of them. They are as follows and in no particular order; love of self, friendship love, romantic love, hard love, unconditional love, and tough love. I am going to talk to you about these five loves and there importance in ones life and how they have effected my life as of recently. My hope and prayer is that someone out there gains some wisdom or insight from this blog post. Eventually this will be a book but for now a blog will have to do. Shall we begin?
Okay so this one is tough, no pun intended for some people to swallow. Me included but it may possibly be the most important one. Without tough love we would not be able to grow as people in our maturity. Tough love is meant to help us. There is a BUT there are snakes among the sheep that try to give us tough love that although they appear to mean well, when you know someone is suicidal and you tell them you think suicide is okay in some cases, maybe not the best tough love. And now they have abandoned me. They also made some really bad decisions I stood by and was supportive over and even supported the advancement in work. But snakes are everywhere. Snakes bite, they hurt, their venom is meant to kill, will it kill me? I don’t have an answer for that. Its up for debate. Then there is tough love by your Angels. The people who love you enough to tell you the things you NEED to hear but don’t want to. LIKE you need to do the dishes, get up, we care. We love you. We want you around. Put them big girl panties on and do the damn thing. Heavens knows why or what was going through Kate Spades mind but I can tell you in any industry their are snakes EVERYWHERE. AND THEY HURT!!! I am on a line myself. Between being selfish or staying because of the second love I’m going to talk about.
As a tiny child I remember wearing a bubble gum shirt and dancing around my den of the house I grew up in, I was probably 5 years old. I was singing “I love the whole world, I love the whole world” over and over and over and over. Somehow, I don’t know how but I have managed to fit just about the whole world in my heart space and I’m only 28. I have an immense understanding of unconditional love. I even love the snakes that hurt us so bad it hurts to breathe. Even snakes need love. Unconditional love is loving someone when they don’t deserve it nor will it ever go away. Its mostly associated with family members but I have a heart as big as this world As big as the universe even. If I could sacrifice everything to make the world a better place I would. Alas I don’t think it works that way. Maybe one day when Jesus returns everything will be okay but until then try and love unconditionally when you can. Everyone deserves a chance. NO ONE deserves hate or abandonment. Which leads us right into.
You CANNOT survive without this love. This love keeps you grounded above all else. Knowing people care about you is so so important. I can’t even explain to you the love I have in my heart for this woman and this little girl. They are filled with so much of Gods joy and love to spread. I have been so bleed to have them in my life. Someone to pray with, someone to talk me logically when I’m being irrational, someone to hold me when the tears won’t stop and I can’t breathe. A little girl who cried because she thought it was the last time she would see me. That is LOVE. NOT someone trying to undermine you or point out every single flaw you have. NOT someone who kicks you when you’re already 12 feet under. All you need to do is cover me with the dirt. I understand you have to cut out toxic people. I am not toxic. I am sad. I am sick. I need love. I need friends. I have love to give and I may not be able to clean your house but I can make you laugh like Robin Williams would have. I have a good heart and I don’t deserve what I have been served in life. Life isn’t fair I know this but you would think as much LOVE as I have spread into this world some of it would make its way back to me. I have seen glimpses. That is it. Here is one.
Some people get to meet their soul mates. I did. I just didn’t survive the relationship. I bailed ship before the damn thing sank. I still consider myself lucky. He was a nerd like me, he was an introvert like me but still liked to go out every now and then. Like I said before when I was WELL he was a good man, when I got SICK, he went away. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANTIC LOVE. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF. THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. Its the heartbreak of losing it that can defeat you and nearly kill you. Knowing someone you love with everything will either see you turn to ash or become the greatest thing is terrifying. And its a lot of pressure to be honest. I know what he expects to happen. He thinks I’ll be a statistic. Will I?
I purposely saved the most important for last. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect anyone else to love you at all. You just can’t. Thats the simple hard facts. You have to look in the mirror and accept who you are for all of your flaws your imperfections. Your adult acne, your pouch, the days when you don’t feel like shaving, you nervous ticks that maybe no one gets, your awkward ways of blurting things out. YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYTHANG! And honey I do. Thats not my issue. My issue is I beat myself up. I feel like I owe the world and everyone else this huge debt of myself and if I can’t live up to it, it eats away at me like some disease. I’m beyond a people pleaser. I LOVE people. I want them to know that. I’ll show it anyway I can. I feel like I fail because I get abandoned sooo sooo much. Honestly I think I will die of broken heart disease. My heart literally aches I’m in so much pain. In the 28 years of my life I’ve never been so sad. I literally have 6 people in my area (who are NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE. who I may see once a week, one or two of them if I’m lucky) that I truly feel appreciated and loved in some way. Thats not a lot. Most people have way more of a support system than I do. Most people live with a support system. I do not. I have me and thats it and honestly guys I don’t know if I’m enough.
Friends come and go. Things come and go. Places come and go. Things change. Everything in my body is saying just let go. Just let go. I have this urge to start running again. I used to be an avid runner. I used to run 5 miles twice a week. I couldn’t make it through a mile now. So many people think they know me but they have no idea. NOT A SINGLE CLUE. Only the people who REALLY CARE really KNOW me. I’m being honest in this blog. This is the rough draft for my book so of course everything must be documented as it happens in real time.
My four year old niece asked on FaceTime this morning if “I was still sick?” Her parents are raising her to know mental illness as an actual disease in which people are actually sick. I told her “aunt Katie is doing sooo much better but technically she is still sick but she’s getting better”. Her brother then interjected that I couldn’t explain well what getting better meant lol I guess not to a four year old. I am making progress every single day. And I am so excited for that! It saddens me that they think of me as “sick” but I would much rather that then “gone”. Letting go of the stigma is one thing but for me I need to let go off the hold the stigma the disease holds over me. Just because the world says I can’t do something does not mean that I can’t. Just because I say that because I’m depressed I can’t do the dishes does not mean I can’t make myself get up off this couch and do the dad gum dishes. Which by the way is what I’m doing when I finish this. There was a crazy thing with the water, AGAIN, not my fault this time. But it was off all day and just came back on. Me and water. Apparently I really need water right now.
My spirit yearns to fly. I have felt caged for so long and now I can just be me and let go of everything and every stigma thats been holding me back. I am free. I am free to fly.
I’ll always have me and thats all I really need. This is an explicit song so just FYI
I am about to start my life all over again where I thought my life was just beginning six years ago. I was sadly disappointed. This was his favorite picture of us. You can burn all the pictures you want but you can’t burn the cloud unfortunately. Or at least I don’t know how to. Memories aren’t always bad. It wasn’t always bad. When I was healthy he was a good man. When I got sick I guess so did he. Can I truly blame him. As I have grown over the past year I’ve learned sometimes people have to let you go and you have to let people go to take care of yourself and that doesn’t mean you don’t love them it just means you sort of have to love yourself more. And yes it sucks and it hurts and its not fun at all. I know from having to be the one to LET go and having been the that was let GO…it sucks. Life in general if full of mostly these terrible awful things and mixed with this amazing beauty if you can look closely enough. I was lucky to have the time I did with him. I was lucky for the lessons he taught me. I was lucky and blessed to have been near my sister for most of our relationship. Which begs the question….was she my grounding cord. Sisters are soooo important.
My sister has basically came down from heaven like the arch angel Michael and saved me by the grace of God by giving me a roof over my head when I make it to Columbus MS. I know I’m meant to be there. I feel in my heart strings God pulling me there. Back to where it all began. I don’t need to be where it ended. I need to be where I was when there was no “him”. When there was only ME! I know in my heart of hearts I am getting well and that soon I will be independent again and he will miss out on the very best part of me. He will regret not sticking around for those bad times. And just so you know I CHOSE to leave. Just so thats clear. He wanted me to be independent and well I guess I took it a little too far. The thing is rock bottom is what I NEEDED. I would have never seen anywhere near rock bottom with him. He liked toys and expensive things. I need to simplify my life. Not have fancy “things”. Things will only fill your heart so much. And I’m not even sure its your heart its filling.
I wish I could share my heart with the world. I wish I could share all the love it has in it. I also wish I could show the world all the hurt it sees so they would have compassion for others. Maybe then the world would be a better place?
This morning I called my mother to tell her that I had a Kate Spade phone cover and it made me happy and sad all at the same time and when I did she told me that Anthony Bourdain killed himself as well. I burst into tears. Satan immediately said “do it”. “You’ll go out with the legends”. But heres the thing guys. I haven’t even had a chance to become a legend and while its sad and Anthony was a hero of mine and it really hurts I can’t do that to the people I love and most importantly I can’t cheat myself or my God out of potential good I may do the world.
Whats truly sad about all of this is the man I fell in love with is now a mean bitter person who wants nothing to do with me and shows me nothing but anger. Do I deserve that? Maybe? But does any human deserve to be treated in that manner?
DPL please come back…to where it all began. One day. I have a year of discernment.
One persons 100% is not going to be the same as another persons 100%. You cannot expect two people to be the same. I am putting forth every ounce I have into myself, into work, into LuLaRoe, into my finances, and into this blog and in that order. And maybe I have somethings backwards but for now and for my mental health its whats appropriate. ME being healthy is number one, me having a job is number two which does include my fashion business. Then there is the finances. Well when you’re not working with much there really isn’t much you can spend or go through. And finally this blog which I love. I love sharing my wonderful thoughts with the world. With the ethernet lol I try to write at least every other day. I hope that is enough for my followers. I had an epiphany in the shower yesterday after my water got cut on and I have a year to figure things out. I have no expectations going into this.
How expectations get us into trouble:
First off its just as bad as assuming and you know what that does
Not everyone is going to live up to them
It most often times leads to disappointment
why in heavens name would you want to do that to yourself
How expectations can help us:
You can let someone know what you expect of them
You as a person know whats expected of you
You could grow as a person if you FAIL to live up to those expectations
Reality is that not everyone is perfect and all you can do is pray for those that need guidance in their life. That need strength and courage. You have no right to judge them or tell them how the should or should not act. You don’t live their life you have NO IDEA what they are going through or have gone through. HOW DARE YOU think you have the slightest inclination of what one has experience throughout their entire life unless you are their therapist. I am learning and growing and blooming.
Choose to go into things with little to no expectations and you won’t be let down or disappointed. You’ll be surprised and amazed at what one can accomplish when given the room to bloom. And yes I meant that to rhyme. I’m a poet if you didn’t know it. (=
There once was a girl named Kathleen who lived in world where she thought she could somehow make everything wrong in the world right but somewhere along the way her heart got so broken that she forgot what it was like to make something right much less herself. So she had to fix herself. Once she was fixed she could start her mission of fixing the wrong of the world. Slowly but surly she got strong enough to start to fix the wrongs. The logician was now in charge of the magician.
Annnnnywaay now that that song is over. Irony. All of this is Irony. My karaoke song. See me singing it by clicking this hilarious URL lol Ironic by Katie Scheel I clearly can’t sing but thats the irony or karaoke is you’re not supposed to be good at it. you’re supposed to have fun. Life is a journey. Everyone we meet either is put there to love us forever and be a forever person or to teach us something about ourselves. Its up you to determine what thats going to be and with who. YOU determine who you let in your heart and who you reveal your secrets to. Its YOU who decides who comes with your soul when you leave somewhere or when it comes to making friends or relationships in general. I missed out on learning the most intimate thing about the person I spent almost 5 years with. Who HE REALLY was and Ya know what he missed out and see ME too. And its a shame. I’m on my journey to becoming a school counselor and he’s on his journey. We missed our chance. I’m over him. I’m not over what I missed out on. NOT him lol don’t get me confused. The chance to bond with someone on that level. In todays society though thats soooo sooo sooo common for a couple to not even know each other. I’m sooo glad he never asked me to marry him. I’m so glad I left. I’m glad for BOTH our sake. Maybe another time or something but he had no idea who I was and vise versa. Thats not love..thats not a love God would want. I do want a Godly love. I do have my temptations and my sins and I’ll confess that but ultimately I would like to end up with someone who wants to raise kids in a Godly manner. Thats just me. Anyway its getting late so with that being said.