I often feel like I’m looking at my life from the outside. Its this weird feeling I can’t explain. I have felt so alone for so long I don’t know what its like to feel like I have a partner in something. I have friends, yes. But an actual partner, no. I haven’t had one of those in a very very long time. I am 28 years old. The longing for companionship is past the point of longing and is now down right painful. I see all my friends married. Some have kids, some don’t. Some have full blown families. I feel so behind. So ALONE. ALONE doesn’t just mean by yourself. I know I’m not the only one but I always had a boyfriend. I always had a “sweetheart”. This is the longest I’ve ever gone and not “dated” anyone. My self worth had since been lowered because I feel like I’m not worth dating maybe. I know in my heart any man would be lucky to have me but when no one seems to want you its hard to NOT be hard on yourself. And its not even about men. ITs women too. Making friends is soooo hard. I have 2. Maybe 3 here in Columbus. I can’t rely on them day and night and while I don’t have a job I have to entertain myself. I have to find ways to be alone with me and be okay and its hard. I will be the first to admit that. Its VERY uncomfortable at first. I don’t even know what to do with myself half the time. I’d love to write all day but my hands are so unsteady because of the anxiety I can’t write on paper anymore. How sad is that. I used to could write in a journal and now all I can manage is to type. My hands are too unsteady for a pen and paper and that breaks my heart. When did it get this bad. When was it that I became such a mess. Was it really being told “Giving up got you to where you are now.”? I know I shouldn’t dwell on that but its hard. Its like a flesh eating bacteria eating away at my heart. Day by day it just eats away. I don’t want to give up but according to him I already have so whats the point. What is even the point anymore. I’m all alone and I feel like I always will be. I have God and thats about the only thing I can count on and right now I feel like thats all I’d rather be with is just him.
Yesterday I was going to do my bible study and I flipped open my bible to wherever it wanted to go and what do you know it landed on Daniel and the Lions Den. I nearly broke down to my knees because I knew this was a story I needed to hear and actually read and understand in the Bible. Daniel not only prayed for himself but he prayed for his king who sent him into the den of lions in the first place. We are not only to pray to God when we are in hard times but we are to pray to God for those who may have put us there for they may not have wanted to or may not have had a choice. Its so easy to forget these things. Its so easy to get caught up praying for our own needs that we forgot those of the ones who may have wronged us. David also teaches us how to be a minister in a secular world. How he refuses to giveaway of the law. I am sitting here worried about a title and worried about being illegal in another state and not being able to register my ID or my living or anything or get a job when my trust should be in the LORD and I should be praying for my ex’s safety as he fights a war not be cruel and try to do my best to get this dang title in my name.
I come graciously before you asking for your forgiveness in my sins. I ask that you absolve this from my heart. I ask that you protect all the soldiers out there protecting our country right now. Especially the one that lives so dear in my heart. Please protect them on their missions. Please keep them safe in your embrace. I am confident you will protect me in my ventures. I believe, confess, and pray this in your name, our Lord, Jesus Christ.
I have sinned so greatly. I cannot go to confession and I am heartbroken. May the story of Daniel and the Lions Den help you to come to terms with how gracious of a God we have.
The real reason I’m leaving FL is really so complicated. The last words DPL said to me was “Giving up got you to where you are now”. Was he talking about Pensacola? Was he talking about the little ghetto I live in. My neighbors are actually really nice. What was he referring to. That statement has eaten away at me since I moved here in February and I guess thats when I started to not be myself at work and things started to fail for me at work. When things start going downhill at your job its never good and I was doing soooo well. Sooo so well. It was totally my thing. I was great at it. I let one phrase haunt me. And I think it was meant to do that. I don’t know. I’ll never know because he has since cut off all communication with me. Was he referring to my life in general? Was he saying my life now sucked? What was he getting at? I still had some brief hope for LOVE between us because there was so much history between us and I always envisioned being with him the rest of my life. So I stayed in FL. There were a couple of MINOR/MAJOR reasons too I stayed. My doctors were here. But now that I know there is no hope for me and DPL and no hope for me at a job I loved sooo sooo very much I am going back to where it all started. Columbus MS. Not everyone knows my story. This is where you’ll hear my story. One day I’ll compile it into a book with the help of an editor. But for now it is a blog. A blog about writing whatever I feel is relevant at the time in my life. Right now figuring out WHY I am leaving is relevant. Am I running away?
Me and one of my best friends tried to get down to the root of why things broke down at my job but I left out the haunting phrase my ex left with me with because it wasn’t until this morning it hit me how relevant that was to me. I will however always find people in the work environment that don’t like me and maybe even choose to make fun of me. Some people never grow up. I need to take that like the strong woman I am and not let it get to me like I did. But little did these co workers know I had soooo much more going on. And I can’t fault that for that. I also need to stop talking things so personal. Not everything is a personal shot. Also we know there will be douche bags everywhere you go. The thing is I’m choosing not to date when I go to Columbus. Like AT ALL. NO ONE. NOT EVEN MY CELEBRITY CRUSH. I will be single for a year. I’m old I know. Its probably not the wisest choice since I do want kids and a family one day should that be the path God has for me but ya know, maybe its not. And thats okay. I’m okay with that.
This song is my legit anthem right now. Its my song. Bebe Rexha gets me. I have been STUCK these past couple of days. I didn’t help the homeless. I didn’t do anything good but go to confession. Which I don’t think the penance fits the crime but that isn’t for me to decide. I will do my penance times three. I have done so much to hurt people that obviously people hate me enough to not even want to say good bye to me. My going away party was last night and not one soul from work showed up. Not one single soul cared enough to show up. Does it hurt, hell yes it hurts worse than a fire ant sting, but did I expect it, yes. Why, because I feel like I deserve it. I deserve pain somehow and for some reason. I am very depressed right now and I have been since Friday morning. I think because I knew that no one was going to show up. I legit had a break down in front of the friends that did come. It wasn’t many but I let it ruin part of my night and obviously my Saturday. I loaded nothing for LuLaRoe which I could have made money on because I was depressed. I was sleepy so I slept. I wanted to pack so I packed. Then I slept. I cried because I wanted to. Then I slept some more then cleaned my house for a party that never happened and then it didn’t and today has been sort of the same. I did post in my VIP group and go to church so that has to count for something. And I’m still packing and cleaning. I’m just doing nothing for myself thats going to help get myself out of the hole I’m in because for some reason I feel like I deserve to be in this hole and that someone should just bury me. I can only say I’m sorry so much.
I have so many things my heart wants to say to so many people right now its overwhelming to have the damn thing in my chest right now. There is nothing I can do and I have to live with that. I have to use “coping” skills because apparently this is just life. And I need to “suck it up”. Even Professor Lupin has been acting Warewolfish. Which is to be expected of course. WE ALL KNOW HARRY COULD NEVER KEEP A DARK ARTS TEACHER LOLOLOL and I guess that stands true for me as well. Nor do I know if I want one to be honest.
I pray daily, moment to moment now actually that I make it to Columbus. Right now I don’t have the funds and I have no idea where to get the funds but something has to happen for me good right. I have put SOME GOOD out there. And with a box of jewelry just gone and all that I’ve been through you would imagine a miracle could happen just this once. I picture myself in my sisters rental. Walking in with the keys and unpacking all my stuff. I imagine hanging things on the wall and my cats getting settled in. I can picture it all and it makes me so happy I could cry because I just don’t know how I’m going to get there. I tremble with fear knowing I have to get my stuff out of this house by next weekend come hell or high water and I have no idea where I’m going to be. The streets? Columbus? A friends? Where will I end up? A great writer must live a great adventure but dang I wasn’t expecting this…..
As I tuned my guitar and made my signs to go “panhandle” or beg for money. Not beg, but ask, plead, play my music and tell my story to the public in real life. Not only the most humbling thing I’ve ever done but quite possibly the most dangerous. I feel sort of like a broke spy lol which I’ve always wanted to be a spy so I guess here is my chance to feel sneaky. Or at least in harms way which is something I guess I’ve craved in some weird way. It makes me feel ALIVE. A very wise writer and English teacher inspired me and told me once that to be a good writer you must experience and write what you know about. With that being said I can with confidence tell you what hitting rock bottom is lived like. What that experience is like and I will but not today and not now. Today story is how I’m getting out of rock bottom. Today is about hope. Today is about LIVING.
I want to LIVE, I want to taste the rain, I want to feel the salt water in my nose, I want to see the sparkle in his eyes, I want to hear the music coming from my record player. I want all of these things and so much more. Not having money, being homeless or not becoming homeless, none of this can stop me from breathing and LIVING. Y’all this is not the END BUT THE BEGINNING. Don’t ever give up because things are hard. They will always be hard just be grateful for what you do have. I had Mac and cheese that required nothing but water today and my cats have food. What a blessing. What a joy. I do have friends that care about me. Maybe not many but I do have some. And that is what matters. The people that pray for me, the people that make me laugh, the people that have stuck by my side through thick and thin, through all the pains, laughs, and sorrows. Those are MY people. MY tribe. Whether here nor far they are my people. If you follow me, thank you, if you pray for me, thank you, if you’re my friend thank you. If you make me laugh, thank you, if you have given me money, thank you, IF you have supported my LuLaRoe business THANK YOU!!! YALL ARE MY PEOPLE.
Well guys you know what they say. Life happens and I need to go try and get something for telling my story and playing my guitar. My phone has to charge just a little while longer and I’m out the door. Emergency purposes only for phone. And since the clothing company I represent makes this amazing skirt with semi hidden pockets you won’t know its there. du du du du du du duuu du. See y’all I’m a spy lol
I’m at point in my life where I feel like no matter what I do its going to be wrong. To someone. Its going to hurt someone. What do you do in times like these? I wish I were wise enough to tell you. I totally would. I’m not sure anyone has figured out to do in the case of the catch 22. I always make a pros and cons sheet and whichever has the most I go with. This case is a little different. It could help me, it could hurt me. it could help and hurt me. Or it could do nothing. I’m at a loss. I wish I could speak openly but until the wind passes and I’m on the next chapter this one must remain a mystery. But hey I gotta keep you reading somehow.
The question is DO I know what I’m doing or is “impulsive I just want results Katie”. I get that way sometimes. I try to follow my gut I try to pray about things and follow what God wants in my life. Ive really tried to grasp hold of that lately. If God is for me who can be against me. I am for the people. I am out to help people. I listen to people when they don’t think I am. I hear and see things people don’t realize I’m seeing or hearing. I’m way more observant. Theres this HUGE funny AF joke at work about my staring and how I can stare a hole in your soul. What am I doing when I’m off staring? I’m observing. I’m looking and listening to everything around me. People give me way less credit than I’m due. All of that said I do know the risk but is it worth it. I have observed things in life I wish I hadn’t and thats okay but what do you do with that?
Dear God, Thank you for all the friends, angels and king snakes you’ve put in my life, thank you for all the people you’ve brought into my life that have guided me back to your wonderful undying love. The love I’ve needed so bad. Give me the wisdom and clarity to make a decision based on your love and you justice that you would want. Lord guide me in these hard times, guide all the people in my life that they may know what to do as well. Lord I am not perfect and I ask that you take these imperfections and clean them and make them beautiful in your eyes. Lord I love you above all else. I ask all these things in your name I pray. Amen