As I tuned my guitar and made my signs to go “panhandle” or beg for money. Not beg, but ask, plead, play my music and tell my story to the public in real life. Not only the most humbling thing I’ve ever done but quite possibly the most dangerous. I feel sort of like a broke spy lol which I’ve always wanted to be a spy so I guess here is my chance to feel sneaky. Or at least in harms way which is something I guess I’ve craved in some weird way. It makes me feel ALIVE. A very wise writer and English teacher inspired me and told me once that to be a good writer you must experience and write what you know about. With that being said I can with confidence tell you what hitting rock bottom is lived like. What that experience is like and I will but not today and not now. Today story is how I’m getting out of rock bottom. Today is about hope. Today is about LIVING.
I want to LIVE, I want to taste the rain, I want to feel the salt water in my nose, I want to see the sparkle in his eyes, I want to hear the music coming from my record player. I want all of these things and so much more. Not having money, being homeless or not becoming homeless, none of this can stop me from breathing and LIVING. Y’all this is not the END BUT THE BEGINNING. Don’t ever give up because things are hard. They will always be hard just be grateful for what you do have. I had Mac and cheese that required nothing but water today and my cats have food. What a blessing. What a joy. I do have friends that care about me. Maybe not many but I do have some. And that is what matters. The people that pray for me, the people that make me laugh, the people that have stuck by my side through thick and thin, through all the pains, laughs, and sorrows. Those are MY people. MY tribe. Whether here nor far they are my people. If you follow me, thank you, if you pray for me, thank you, if you’re my friend thank you. If you make me laugh, thank you, if you have given me money, thank you, IF you have supported my LuLaRoe business THANK YOU!!! YALL ARE MY PEOPLE.
Well guys you know what they say. Life happens and I need to go try and get something for telling my story and playing my guitar. My phone has to charge just a little while longer and I’m out the door. Emergency purposes only for phone. And since the clothing company I represent makes this amazing skirt with semi hidden pockets you won’t know its there. du du du du du du duuu du. See y’all I’m a spy lol
One persons 100% is not going to be the same as another persons 100%. You cannot expect two people to be the same. I am putting forth every ounce I have into myself, into work, into LuLaRoe, into my finances, and into this blog and in that order. And maybe I have somethings backwards but for now and for my mental health its whats appropriate. ME being healthy is number one, me having a job is number two which does include my fashion business. Then there is the finances. Well when you’re not working with much there really isn’t much you can spend or go through. And finally this blog which I love. I love sharing my wonderful thoughts with the world. With the ethernet lol I try to write at least every other day. I hope that is enough for my followers. I had an epiphany in the shower yesterday after my water got cut on and I have a year to figure things out. I have no expectations going into this.
How expectations get us into trouble:
First off its just as bad as assuming and you know what that does
Not everyone is going to live up to them
It most often times leads to disappointment
why in heavens name would you want to do that to yourself
How expectations can help us:
You can let someone know what you expect of them
You as a person know whats expected of you
You could grow as a person if you FAIL to live up to those expectations
Reality is that not everyone is perfect and all you can do is pray for those that need guidance in their life. That need strength and courage. You have no right to judge them or tell them how the should or should not act. You don’t live their life you have NO IDEA what they are going through or have gone through. HOW DARE YOU think you have the slightest inclination of what one has experience throughout their entire life unless you are their therapist. I am learning and growing and blooming.
Choose to go into things with little to no expectations and you won’t be let down or disappointed. You’ll be surprised and amazed at what one can accomplish when given the room to bloom. And yes I meant that to rhyme. I’m a poet if you didn’t know it. (=
As I sit on my floor crying I realize I need to grow up. I keep saying “he’s everywhere, he’s everywhere, he’s eveywhere, he’s in my heart”, this last statement is the only rational one of the bunch. He isn’t everywhere. he does however live within my heart and always will. I just hope I’m not always this sad because of it. I have my good moments and my bad moments.
Seriously you guys I know it needs doing but this is hilarious and so true lol. Theres a running joke among my girlfriends and my exes that I have noooo sexy underwear its allllll granny panties. So I need to pull those up and grow up. I need to take responsibility for my mistakes and my actions. I have made untrue accusations, while making true accusations making it hard to tell whats real and whats not. Which makes me look bat shit crazy. And while I may be crazy I’m not completely bonkers. I know my jewelry was taken because my ass can’t even pawn it. Trust me I would know where it is at this point. When your bank account is negative you KNOW when valuable stuff is missing. Anyway public apology no one wrote a fraudulent check BUT there was an unauthorized withdraw. Thats what it was. Anyway I’m going to schedule some LuLaRoe post, and get ready for IOP and to meet with my landlord to talk about finical situation and go by the unemployment office. Long day. Lets just hope theres enough on my LLR card for gas, which I’m sure there is lol Take it one Roe at at time you guys!
I have the option to move in a few months to help with my finical issues and I’m really torn because theres a part of me that begs to go and a part of me that begs to stay.
I would like to rule the world. I can’t do that here. I can’t do that “there”. I am flat broke. I know what it feels like to hit rock bottom. And not because I have a drug problem, or because I gamble, or because I drink but simply because I got in debt trying to run two business’ and then I moved to get away from things in Navarre and cost of living is hard and so is catching up on debt. Auto draft is a bitch. And my dumb ass doesn’t know how to undo it. Some bills just HAVE to get paid. I used to make pros and cons list and I’ll do that with you right now. Lets DO THIS!!!
PROS to Moving
Cheaper cost of living in MS
I’ll be around friends I’ve missed for a very long time
New, fresh opportunities
No one to steal my stuff
CONS to MOVING IF I can’t find a roommate
Well I JUST got settled in so it would be a pain to have to move AGAIN
I’ll have to leave the new friends I just made
I have an amazing Dr and support system here that I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE
I REALLY do like it here
Like life always is theres this catch 22. Damed if I do damned if I don’t. As of now I don’t know that I’m going to have rent for June. I have to fine extra income. Other than LuLaRoe because clearly thats not cutting the mustard. I am a problem solver. I am about two weeks to figure this out. Really less. Do you think I can do it? Will I face up to the challenge? Can I find someone I trust? Can I find another job here or have one lined up in Columbus? What will I do?!?
If anyone knows me AT ALL they know that THIS is my song at karaoke. My best friend and I were supposed to go to Beale Street music festival. She had gotten us tickets and everything. I couldn’t have afforded to go otherwise. Its all I have been looking forward to the past few weeks because with my aunt dying, my ex ignoring even the text tell him she had passed, stress from finances, stress from work, loneliness, etc, I haven’t had much else to look forward to. I was going to get to see the karaoke “Ironic” singer herself and my favorite band of all time. Third Eye Blind. For people like me who are really sick sometimes all it takes is just one thing to keep us going. I no longer have that. Not that it would have mattered much longer because it will be over soon. Irony is a bitch because I need this concert now more than ever. But life has a funny funny way of working out just the way we need it to.
Life has been very ironic to me lately and very literal. I can’t seem to get over it. I’ll give you an example that is a little to spot on to what my everyday life is like.
So I’m on “E” but I am already running late to a Drs appointment 20min away and I have work afterwards so I have got to be on time. So I am praying literally the whole way there “God please let me make it to the Dr without running out gas, God please just let me make it to the Dr.” I didn’t have time to stop on the way but luckily I made it! I ran up to my Drs appointment only to find out I was a day early! I busted out crying saying how I drove 20 min away on E and that I had to be seen because I was very sick. I had started to aspirate in my sleep at this time. I was already over this morning. This meant I would be late to work which is a huge no no. Especially for me. I went to my car to charge my phone. As soon as I cranked my car to charge my phone it died. As in ran out of gas. I lost it. After calling dear friend and finding the humor in the fact that God quite literally answered my prayer I was okay. Still sucked but I was okay. I sat there nearly 4 hours including waiting on the Dr and gas to think about my mistakes and the grace God had given me. I deal with things of this nature on a daily basis. Its just my luck, its just my life.
And here is Murphy’s law
This week has been Cray Cray. Like crazy. I almost thought I was going to lose my job. One of the only things I wake up everyday for. All because I’m sick and I didn’t’ know how to ask for sick leave. Luckily I have a therapist who really cares and saw if she didn’t do something it wasn’t going to be good. I can’t say I don’t have people that care about me because that just not true. I know I do. Just because one person won’t acknowledge I exist doesn’t mean I don’t matter. Anywho IOP was SUPPOSED to start on Wednesday but I had to start it on Friday. It went okay. Apparently I’m a pro at DBT, which clearly you can know the skills but still not be good at them. Or else I wouldn’t need IOP. I feel like every time I get overwhelmed or stressed or both I go into an episode. Up until I was given the green light to take a couple of weeks off every moment of every day felt like a disassociation. I wasn’t me because I wasn’t there. I was some where else trying to avoid reality. So aside from starting IOP what else did I do instead of going to a concert that was keeping me going:
I cleaned and organized the LuLaRoom
I deep cleaned my couch (much needed y’all, much needed)
I started folding and putting away the immense amount of laundry I have YET to put up since moving
I planned a super sweet, stay at home cook, eat under the stars, listen to records, and canoe the blackwater river third/fourth date.
I wrote a letter to the founder of the company that I represent thanking them for saving my life and seeing what else they can do to assist me. It took courage but I told my story.
And I wrote this blog entry
Life isn’t perfect but I made the most of a super shitty situation. I had a great day. It was amazing on the river. Its Ironic how much, we shall call him for blog sake Professor Lupin (it was Walter White but the more I got to know about him he’s totally Lupin) we have in common. Yet how different we are. Right now we are just friends and I’d say dating as friends and maybe we will see what happens. Either way I’m happy to have a new friend and someone to go canoeing with. Its hard to meet someone and have to tell them right off the bat “oh by the way I’m unpacking some baggage lol
what a puuurfect day
One of the saddest things for me this weekend was not seeing my best friend and seeing third eye blind. So I’ll close with one of my favorite songs by them.
I missed my best friends funeral because I moved across the country to be with you.
After 4.5 you won’t even speak to me no matter what what I do
Its as if I don’t exist
Do you even think of me? Am I missed?
Theres a void of missing time I can’t get back
You see us as never happening thats a fact
Who am I now, with out you, now that we’re done?
To you it was all a game, just like everything, if it was, I WON!
by: Kathleen R Scheel
Who am I now? Ya know the reason I stopped my LuLaRoe wasn’t just because I wasn’t getting sales it was because I went to go write a post about myself and couldn’t think of anything to say about myself other than I liked cats. Obviously l like more than just cats….at least I hope. If not we are in trouble. I have been through so much hurt and loss and pain in my life that I after the “loss” of my ex, the person I thought I was going to spend forever with. And ya know he might as well be dead. He doesn’t acknowledge I’m alive so aside from (hopefully someone telling me) I have no way of knowing if he’s alive or not. That man broke me worse than I ever thought anyone could. They say wild horses need breaking but I wish I would have stayed wild. I am numb inside. I feel like I’ll never love again. Like I don’t want to. His touch is the last I remember. Its been months. I have disassociated so much from myself that I’ve actually started disassociating again. Its scary, I have missed time. I misplace everything. I forget things super easy. I’m rarely in my body and in my head. I’m somewhere out there hiding. Curled up in a corned begging the world to stop hurting me. Its a protection mechanism. Its so embarrassing when I don’t remember saying or doing something or I can’t think of something. Bad cases can be dangerous. Luckily mine is mild. Disassociating comes from BPD. Last night I found out that someone I met by chance has a daughter with this awful mental illness and I have the chance to help this sweet family with what I know.
Who am I? I am Katie, the helper. I always want to help. And if I can I will. Who am I? I like cats but thats not the main concept of me. I like to read, do art, and to write. I like movies, and tv shows. I love to cook and be outside. I have a huge moral compass. I feel terrible when I do something I know I’m not supposed to. Call it catholic guilt or whatever you will but I can’t stand it. I try to make people laugh and smile. I get exhausted sometimes and have what was called “resting concerned” face. Anxiety is a bitch. I love all my fiends that have stuck with me through this tough time. and for my outstanding VIP group. They are extremely helpful and supporting.
Where does my future stand? Where will I be in the next few months career wise? Well I am not completely certain yet as things CAN change but I am queued to be a Lu La Roe consultant in the coming weeks. I am beyond thrilled. I will be able to nanny the wonderful kids that are staying with me while working on my blog and writing and afterwards focusing on bulding the brand and fashion of Lu La Roe. I am more than thrilled. I am blessed beyond belief. If you had asked me three months ago if I would be telling you I considered myself blessed you would be crazy but here I am. I am determined to make a career goal and path for myself that I can live up to. All my life I’ve been trying to live up to what I thought other people wanted of me and now I’m doing what I think is wise for me and what I know I’m capable of. Nothing more nothing less. No one lives your life but you so you have to take it into your hands and make it your own. If you want to be a soccer player. Go do it. Nothing will stand in your way if you dedicate yourself to your craft. I already love that I was “blessed” with the opportunity to work for Lu La Roe and their business practice is blessing others. If you’re a consultant you get the bless reference. I hope to bless a lot of lives in my career and have tried to lead a very pay it forward kind of mentality my whole life. Being from the south you kind of can’t help not to be! Things are happening for me. Today is exciting. I get all my racks and start to decorate my clothing room, I get a charger for my computer so I can work more on editing this and work on women’s gathering stuff at the yoga studio, I get notebooks for our thing on Friday, at the studio, I’m thrilled about my swingline stapler and planner coming. I am starting to happen. This is the first day of my life
What would you do if you were going to meet a guy that you sort of thought was cute and funny and he was bringing his friends and you were supposed to bring your friend too but life happened? Would you back out? Would you just not go? That probably would have been what most women would have done. But not me. Nope. And of course the universe laughed at that one. Or at least it felt like it in my mind. I was nervous admidittdly because I had no back up and was going in alone but this was my first weekend to do something fun in a while so I was pretty stoked about this escape room. It was my idea after all. The first major hiccup was my friend bailing on me, not her fault but that was a bummer. For both of us. Then my gps can’t find this guys house and so I’m thinking he’s given me a fake address the whole time and I’m thinking “well I guess I’ll go have a few beers downtown” when he finally offers to meet me somewhere on foot by his house. I was mortified. I had never gotten so lost in my life. And I LIVE here!! How does that even happen? Next we get to downtown finally, and we are walking to meet his friends and what do you know, my shoe breaks. Yup. Right there on palofax. All I could do was laugh it off. That’s all you really can do when stuff like that happens. But at this point I was feeling jinxed in Pensacola. We got to the bar and at that point I needed a beer. I had earned it. But wouldn’t ya know we only had like five minutes. That sucker got downed. How was I supposed to face escaping Palofax with all these dudes I didnt even know. I knew I would and I could though and that it would be fun. What made this so challenging for me was not being in control of the situation. As a woman we like be in control of our surroundings the first few dates lol. I was clearly outnumbered and being locked in a room for an hour with no adult beverages doesn’t help with nerves. For once I just let everyone else do the work and take the lead. I found a few clues, we all had fun with the black light, (which doesn’t work so great during the day if you plan on going ), the game locked us out, one of our teammates “Cheated”, we were down to the last 30 seconds when one of our teammates started to figure it out. Alas, it was too late. We had to be let out. But even though we lost, it was a great time. Don’t be dumb but always take risk. Get out of your comfort zone. I know I’m glad I did. I never thought I would enjoy breaking a shoe and getting lost and being in an escape room full of Marines. Do something you wouldn’t normllly do. I may not have escaped palofax but I did escape some comfort zones and I can be proud of that.
I was thrilled we didn’t win so much so I didn’t even know where to look lol #oops #lularoe #Amelia
“Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”
Frank Herbert, Dune (Dune #1)
Change is something inevitable in life. Change is something I crave and at the same exact time run far away from. I wouldn’t like a life without some spice added to it, (no Dune pun intended there). My daycare is changing, my writing is moving forward, my passions are progressing. I am growing. I am becoming the woman I am meant to be. That is exciting. This blog is meant to catalog all those adventures. Dating, my writing, my career and school paths, the road blocks I may encounter and how I’ll overcome them. I may share past stories with you and things I’ve learned from my mistakes. Here is a short but sweet introduction to the start of a new life for me in just two weeks, then two months, then who knows from there. Life is an adventure. Let the sleeper in you awaken. Stay tuned as I work on “Escape from Palofax”, “Career Goals”, and just in general work on getting used to the lay out of WordPress itself lol so please excuse the messiness of it while I do so. I do think however it will benefit me in the long run both career and growth wise.