I unpacked all these in one day. I can’t stand a mess and disorganization. It literally drives me batty. Moving in a complete process. Its finding a job, its settling in. Its finding yourself again. In a whole new place. I am sitting at a bar my best friend works at to get wifi just to write this and to apply to jobs. I am at a loss at what to do. I have tried so much and done so much today I am exhausted. Being up at 5am everyday wears on a person. I try though and I’m still going to keep trying. I’m not going to let this depression and my BPD win. I won’t and I can’t. Too many people have put too much time and money into my well being and to help me get a fresh start just to sit and rot away. Like I’d really like to do but I know thats not Gods plan for me. Its the depression telling me that.
A wise friend once said “The greatest thing about life is everyone has their own book. Some are sweet and everlasting, some are horrifying and weird, some are sad and short, but it is YOUR book. And no one in the whole universe can copy or steal your book” – Henderson Cunningham.
This statement is so true. I hope my book is long and filled with lots of highs and few but very informative lows. No one knows what its like to be me and I don’t know what its like to be anyone else. I don’t want to know. I pray for everyone. I hope everyone succeeds in their own way. I never wish ill on anyone. I have made mistakes and I can’t take them back but I can live my life now and and want to repent and ask for forgiveness. My book is bitter sweet right now. And I’m okay with that. My sister has blessed me with a roof and I can’t be anymore grateful. My brother came and helped me move and I can’t ever repay him and my mom, don’t get me started. She is my rock. Well God is my rock but my mom comes second. I would love to write more and update more but its hot and I can’t stay long. I will have internet this weekend I hope and plan to write more. Please look forward to hearing me soon.
As I look around my house and see boxes and crap everywhere I wonder how it is that I got here. I JUST moved here. I’m not supposed to moving yet. This was supposed to be my new start, instead it became the end of my time here in Florida. Never in a million, trillion, thoughts did it ever occur to me that I would be moving back to Mississippi. Ever much less this soon. I feel like not making it here is letting so many people down, most importantly myself. I couldn’t make it. Its as simple as that.
I went for a walk early this morning trying to use one of my DBT skills and I noticed there was a park right by my house. I had never known for nearly 6 months there was a park right by my house with a walking track and everything. HOW much of a recluse I had become. I used to go out and explore. I used to be adventurous. I used to explore. What the hell happened? I have no idea. I’m trying to find that girl buried under all the hurt and pain. She’s in there somewhere.
When I wake up Monday morning my whole life will be completely different. I’ll be somewhere completely different. If you had asked me three months ago if this is where I would be I would have said “uh you have got to be kidding me”. This was never my plan. This wasn’t even plan “B”. This wan’t even a plan until it HAD to be one.
That is a picture of the front of the house I’m going to be living in on Monday?
Am I ready? Hell no
Am I excited? Yes
Am I scared? Hell yes
Is it time to go? I think so
Will it be good? Yes it will be
Lets see what chapter Columbus holds. I will be off till I can get to a coffee shop or somewhere with Wi-fi to work on the blog. I will think of you all. All over the world who follow me. I thank you. You push me to fight another day! Chapter Four will be revealed in Columbus as well for “A beggar, A prostitute, and A writer” So watch out of that coming soon!!
Charolette didn’t mean to chain smoke but when she was in a writing fit she did without even knowing. Half a pack down with the day not even done. Her life had been a complicated mess lately and the Drs had ordered her to wait to quit but she was ready to be done with this habit. It ruled her life. She hated that. So did Sam. Thats not what bothered her. Most of society hated that, thats what she hated. All she ever wanted was to be accepted but she always stood out like a bright yellow crayon in a black and white painting. Some people cannot help but to stand out from the crowd. This was Charlotte. She glowed when she walked into a room, her smile could melt a snowman. This was just who she was. She also had a passive aggressive side. Her face showed when she was upset about something. But her telling you was one thing. It was like pulling teeth. Hitting rock bottom was something she had never thought she would be at. She honestly never thought she would live to see rock bottom but alas she had made it long enough to hit rock bottom. And here it was. Staring her blatantly in the face. She had NO money, tons of debt, NOTHING TO her name but a house that was not in her name completely. It was complicated. She would probably lose the house or spend a lot of stress over it. For now it was as good as not having it to her name. Her job was soon to be gone. NY may not be the place for her she was quickly realizing. But where would she go.
She sat outside her balcony glaring over the skyline for one of the last time she presumed. When who could it be? But Sam I am. He came up to Charlotte and grabbed her neck and pushed it up as he kissed her passionately. It had been two weeks since they had seen each other. Life on Wall Street got busy at times. Charolette was expecting him so she had set candles and some appetizers and wine out for them. They chatted, drinking wine, watching the sunset fall over the NY sky line. It was the perfect evening. Sam carried the dishes in and Charlotte grabbed the sheet. After sam put the dishes away he carried Charolette to the bedroom where he threw her on the bed and unbuttoned her shirt one button at time. Kissing her neck as he went. Charlotte lay at the ceiling wondering when she should tell Sam she was leaving. She would probably wait till the last minute. He quickly thrust her hands up by her head. Holding them there where she couldn’t move. He slowly moved down taking her pants off with his mouth. She had never had such a kind man show so much control over her. He slipped inside of her like a perfect fit. He finally released his her hands only so that he could please her. When she was ready to finally climax he wrapped his hands tight around her neck in just the right way. Charlotte was in a trance of pleasure. Neurons firing in every direction in her brain. Pleasure going to every inch of her body. Afterwards she kissed Sam passionately and just lay there smiling. She had never met someone she clicked with on so many levels. Mental, Physical, intelligence, and more then likely religious. The problem was neither one of them was ready for nothing more than a casual relationship. At thirty its hard. Charlotte said her nightly prayer, rolled over and cut her sound machine on. Sam was actually staying the night this time.
The real reason I’m leaving FL is really so complicated. The last words DPL said to me was “Giving up got you to where you are now”. Was he talking about Pensacola? Was he talking about the little ghetto I live in. My neighbors are actually really nice. What was he referring to. That statement has eaten away at me since I moved here in February and I guess thats when I started to not be myself at work and things started to fail for me at work. When things start going downhill at your job its never good and I was doing soooo well. Sooo so well. It was totally my thing. I was great at it. I let one phrase haunt me. And I think it was meant to do that. I don’t know. I’ll never know because he has since cut off all communication with me. Was he referring to my life in general? Was he saying my life now sucked? What was he getting at? I still had some brief hope for LOVE between us because there was so much history between us and I always envisioned being with him the rest of my life. So I stayed in FL. There were a couple of MINOR/MAJOR reasons too I stayed. My doctors were here. But now that I know there is no hope for me and DPL and no hope for me at a job I loved sooo sooo very much I am going back to where it all started. Columbus MS. Not everyone knows my story. This is where you’ll hear my story. One day I’ll compile it into a book with the help of an editor. But for now it is a blog. A blog about writing whatever I feel is relevant at the time in my life. Right now figuring out WHY I am leaving is relevant. Am I running away?
Me and one of my best friends tried to get down to the root of why things broke down at my job but I left out the haunting phrase my ex left with me with because it wasn’t until this morning it hit me how relevant that was to me. I will however always find people in the work environment that don’t like me and maybe even choose to make fun of me. Some people never grow up. I need to take that like the strong woman I am and not let it get to me like I did. But little did these co workers know I had soooo much more going on. And I can’t fault that for that. I also need to stop talking things so personal. Not everything is a personal shot. Also we know there will be douche bags everywhere you go. The thing is I’m choosing not to date when I go to Columbus. Like AT ALL. NO ONE. NOT EVEN MY CELEBRITY CRUSH. I will be single for a year. I’m old I know. Its probably not the wisest choice since I do want kids and a family one day should that be the path God has for me but ya know, maybe its not. And thats okay. I’m okay with that.
This song is my legit anthem right now. Its my song. Bebe Rexha gets me. I have been STUCK these past couple of days. I didn’t help the homeless. I didn’t do anything good but go to confession. Which I don’t think the penance fits the crime but that isn’t for me to decide. I will do my penance times three. I have done so much to hurt people that obviously people hate me enough to not even want to say good bye to me. My going away party was last night and not one soul from work showed up. Not one single soul cared enough to show up. Does it hurt, hell yes it hurts worse than a fire ant sting, but did I expect it, yes. Why, because I feel like I deserve it. I deserve pain somehow and for some reason. I am very depressed right now and I have been since Friday morning. I think because I knew that no one was going to show up. I legit had a break down in front of the friends that did come. It wasn’t many but I let it ruin part of my night and obviously my Saturday. I loaded nothing for LuLaRoe which I could have made money on because I was depressed. I was sleepy so I slept. I wanted to pack so I packed. Then I slept. I cried because I wanted to. Then I slept some more then cleaned my house for a party that never happened and then it didn’t and today has been sort of the same. I did post in my VIP group and go to church so that has to count for something. And I’m still packing and cleaning. I’m just doing nothing for myself thats going to help get myself out of the hole I’m in because for some reason I feel like I deserve to be in this hole and that someone should just bury me. I can only say I’m sorry so much.
I have so many things my heart wants to say to so many people right now its overwhelming to have the damn thing in my chest right now. There is nothing I can do and I have to live with that. I have to use “coping” skills because apparently this is just life. And I need to “suck it up”. Even Professor Lupin has been acting Warewolfish. Which is to be expected of course. WE ALL KNOW HARRY COULD NEVER KEEP A DARK ARTS TEACHER LOLOLOL and I guess that stands true for me as well. Nor do I know if I want one to be honest.
I pray daily, moment to moment now actually that I make it to Columbus. Right now I don’t have the funds and I have no idea where to get the funds but something has to happen for me good right. I have put SOME GOOD out there. And with a box of jewelry just gone and all that I’ve been through you would imagine a miracle could happen just this once. I picture myself in my sisters rental. Walking in with the keys and unpacking all my stuff. I imagine hanging things on the wall and my cats getting settled in. I can picture it all and it makes me so happy I could cry because I just don’t know how I’m going to get there. I tremble with fear knowing I have to get my stuff out of this house by next weekend come hell or high water and I have no idea where I’m going to be. The streets? Columbus? A friends? Where will I end up? A great writer must live a great adventure but dang I wasn’t expecting this…..
As I sit here and think of what else I can sell to make money I consider taking myself to the main strip with my guitar and trying to make a few bucks singing and dancing, I would bring my bible and just do and say what the Lord said. I would make a sign that said “Homeless unless I can afford a moving truck in a week, will not strip.” I don’t know what else to do. The fact of the matter is I will be homeless if I don’t get a moving truck. I was laying here sobbing and thinking if today would be a good day to die. I know morbid but just a thought and I realized it was mine and my high school sweet hearts anniversary. We lost our virginities together so he is super special in my heart and is no longer with us. I whispered “Happy anniversary Will” and the one song he always said was about me came on my pandora so I knew he heard.
You may not believe in the afterlife but I do. I know he heard me. Its been a year and a half since I lost him. I have taken hit after hit after hit. My child hood best friend is no longer with me. The man who took me in as his own is no longer here. So many lost loves. So much pain. And now to bear the thought of becoming homeless the only thing I have is my faith. That is what Will tried so hard to cling to. And thats what I shall cling to. I will bring my guitar that he talked me into getting and go down to Palofax street and sing and dance and play with my bible and just sing and hope people tip me for being goofy. I don’t see myself as a beggar in the street, well maybe I am but I will provide entertainment I can guarantee that lol I still haven’t decided if begging on the street will really solve anything. When you’ve hit rock bottom you’re brain goes into overdrive trying to think of ideas on which how you can survive. Survival and not on the streets is the one thing you have got to keep in mind. And how to be moral about all of it. Someone told me to steal napkins from places, y’all I can’t even do that. I can’t even do that. If they give me extra thats fine. But I won’t steal. I’ll ask. Hell I can’t even afford fast food to get the extra damn napkins lol so no I’m not running in Taco Bell taking some napkins and running out. Nope. Not going to happen. I figure 5 will be a good time to go down to Palofax. I’ve got to tune my guitar. Is this really a good idea?
I would like to metaphorically be the “great king” and not the “street beggar”. My “thought world” was so sick for so long that I go so screwed up finically that now that I’m well I can’t get my head above water. I know its my own fault but I just want to breathe. Maybe I need to hit homeless shock bottom. I can still write my blog at coffee shops. I’ll stink lol but I can do it. I’ll start over and get a job somewhere. I don’t know just thinking about the worse case scenario. Being on the streets is a very very scary thought. But its a very real thought.
I hate leaving. I hate saying goodbye. I try to be funny and silly but y’all I am bawling my eyes out the entire ride to wherever it is that I’m going. I don’t do so well before saying goodbye either. You know the saying or the saying that its easier to push people away then it is to say goodbye. Yea, well, I do that. I think, well, I know I did that. Have done that recently and maybe even tonight. I can’t help that I don’t do well with goodbyes and that subconsciously I will come up with reasons to make people NOT want to see me. NOT want to say goodbye. What sense does that make? None. I never said I made sense. I do not come with a disclaimer. I must warn you of that.
If I did life would probably be much easier for me, people would know what to expect. I have to learn the hard way. I have to experience things for myself. Thats the way I learn, is by experience, so therefore if you enable me I don’t learn anything. I get worse. I get sicker. I am fixing all of that. I have hit rock bottom. I am selling everything so I can pay debts back. I will ride a bike. I do not care. I hope it has a pretty little basket. With a little bell too! Through all my pain I’m trying to think positive I just have to figure out how I’m going to get the title to my car and how I’m going to sell it in two weeks. Thats the issue. I know it can be done but HOW. HOW. I HAVEN’T had a migraine in 5 months and I have one right now thinking about how I’m going to move in less than two weeks. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t afford a taco much less a moving truck. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I try so hard to support my friends and I get over whelmed and I’ll admit I do like pretty things but I get caught up in the madness that is life. That is trying to do the right thing. Trying to help. I forget about ME! And here I am leaving so I can be alone with ME dang it. I need some alone time. I’ll miss every soul that has touched my life here which is so so so so so many people but I am so happy to be leaving. Just not real sure how its going to happen at this point. I’m also deciding to quit taking valium all together. I thinks thats also why I feel like poop. With drawls are no fun. I hope all my rivers here have bridges and if they be crushes may they be able to be mended through the work of the powerful and mighty beaver over time. Leaving sucks. It just does. But coming home is exciting. Lets just hope I can make it!
There are Five hierarchy types of love in this world. They all have different importances in our lives and its important to know about these loves and have understanding of them. They are as follows and in no particular order; love of self, friendship love, romantic love, hard love, unconditional love, and tough love. I am going to talk to you about these five loves and there importance in ones life and how they have effected my life as of recently. My hope and prayer is that someone out there gains some wisdom or insight from this blog post. Eventually this will be a book but for now a blog will have to do. Shall we begin?
Okay so this one is tough, no pun intended for some people to swallow. Me included but it may possibly be the most important one. Without tough love we would not be able to grow as people in our maturity. Tough love is meant to help us. There is a BUT there are snakes among the sheep that try to give us tough love that although they appear to mean well, when you know someone is suicidal and you tell them you think suicide is okay in some cases, maybe not the best tough love. And now they have abandoned me. They also made some really bad decisions I stood by and was supportive over and even supported the advancement in work. But snakes are everywhere. Snakes bite, they hurt, their venom is meant to kill, will it kill me? I don’t have an answer for that. Its up for debate. Then there is tough love by your Angels. The people who love you enough to tell you the things you NEED to hear but don’t want to. LIKE you need to do the dishes, get up, we care. We love you. We want you around. Put them big girl panties on and do the damn thing. Heavens knows why or what was going through Kate Spades mind but I can tell you in any industry their are snakes EVERYWHERE. AND THEY HURT!!! I am on a line myself. Between being selfish or staying because of the second love I’m going to talk about.
As a tiny child I remember wearing a bubble gum shirt and dancing around my den of the house I grew up in, I was probably 5 years old. I was singing “I love the whole world, I love the whole world” over and over and over and over. Somehow, I don’t know how but I have managed to fit just about the whole world in my heart space and I’m only 28. I have an immense understanding of unconditional love. I even love the snakes that hurt us so bad it hurts to breathe. Even snakes need love. Unconditional love is loving someone when they don’t deserve it nor will it ever go away. Its mostly associated with family members but I have a heart as big as this world As big as the universe even. If I could sacrifice everything to make the world a better place I would. Alas I don’t think it works that way. Maybe one day when Jesus returns everything will be okay but until then try and love unconditionally when you can. Everyone deserves a chance. NO ONE deserves hate or abandonment. Which leads us right into.
You CANNOT survive without this love. This love keeps you grounded above all else. Knowing people care about you is so so important. I can’t even explain to you the love I have in my heart for this woman and this little girl. They are filled with so much of Gods joy and love to spread. I have been so bleed to have them in my life. Someone to pray with, someone to talk me logically when I’m being irrational, someone to hold me when the tears won’t stop and I can’t breathe. A little girl who cried because she thought it was the last time she would see me. That is LOVE. NOT someone trying to undermine you or point out every single flaw you have. NOT someone who kicks you when you’re already 12 feet under. All you need to do is cover me with the dirt. I understand you have to cut out toxic people. I am not toxic. I am sad. I am sick. I need love. I need friends. I have love to give and I may not be able to clean your house but I can make you laugh like Robin Williams would have. I have a good heart and I don’t deserve what I have been served in life. Life isn’t fair I know this but you would think as much LOVE as I have spread into this world some of it would make its way back to me. I have seen glimpses. That is it. Here is one.
Some people get to meet their soul mates. I did. I just didn’t survive the relationship. I bailed ship before the damn thing sank. I still consider myself lucky. He was a nerd like me, he was an introvert like me but still liked to go out every now and then. Like I said before when I was WELL he was a good man, when I got SICK, he went away. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANTIC LOVE. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF. THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. Its the heartbreak of losing it that can defeat you and nearly kill you. Knowing someone you love with everything will either see you turn to ash or become the greatest thing is terrifying. And its a lot of pressure to be honest. I know what he expects to happen. He thinks I’ll be a statistic. Will I?
I purposely saved the most important for last. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect anyone else to love you at all. You just can’t. Thats the simple hard facts. You have to look in the mirror and accept who you are for all of your flaws your imperfections. Your adult acne, your pouch, the days when you don’t feel like shaving, you nervous ticks that maybe no one gets, your awkward ways of blurting things out. YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYTHANG! And honey I do. Thats not my issue. My issue is I beat myself up. I feel like I owe the world and everyone else this huge debt of myself and if I can’t live up to it, it eats away at me like some disease. I’m beyond a people pleaser. I LOVE people. I want them to know that. I’ll show it anyway I can. I feel like I fail because I get abandoned sooo sooo much. Honestly I think I will die of broken heart disease. My heart literally aches I’m in so much pain. In the 28 years of my life I’ve never been so sad. I literally have 6 people in my area (who are NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE. who I may see once a week, one or two of them if I’m lucky) that I truly feel appreciated and loved in some way. Thats not a lot. Most people have way more of a support system than I do. Most people live with a support system. I do not. I have me and thats it and honestly guys I don’t know if I’m enough.
When I graduated high school I was given a copy of “OH THE PLACES YOU’LL GO” BY DR. SUESS. It never resinated with me as a child how important that book would become to me in later years. It basically has mapped out my entire 20’s. Completely and I’ll admit I have gone back and revised some places. LIKE NOW. I’ll be alone for quite some time. And whats ironic is its where I started to learn to become alone to begin with. In Columbus MS. I remember when I first moved there I didn’t have a microwave, I had no money, no job, no friends, nothing. I ate sandwiches and cut them in half and had one for dinner and one half for lunch. I ate healthy but broke healthy. I had crackers in between meals. I had help but it went right to bills. I got plates as a gift that I still own to this day, a few have broken. I remember sitting in my apartment on my futon with no internet, no tv, and no fiends and no job. What did I do. I read, I went out to meet people, I took chances, I found myself, I did puzzles, I had grill outs by myself, I read Adux Huxleuys “Brave New World” a million times. I read the Dune series. I read a ton. I am going back to THAT Katie. The alone Katie. The REAL independent Katie. Although I still may need finical help I’ll be the independent I’ve been needing this whole time.
Being alone doesn’t always have to mean you’re alone alone.
With the recent deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain who are we to say who feels alone and who doesn’t. You simply cannot judge someone by what they appear to act on the outside. Suicide has got to be taken seriously. And so does mental illness. ESPECIALLY IN OUR COUNTRY!!!! THE USA NEEDS TO WAKE THE HELL UP AND REALIZE WE ARE IN CRISIS. THIS IS A DISEASE THAT PEOPLE CANNOT SEE OR SEEK HELP UNTIL IT IS ACCEPTED. It has such a stigma no one, no one wants to admit they are mentally ill. I bet none of you reading this would proudly talk in front of thousands about being mentally ill. But ya know what? I would. And someday maybe I will. I have been on the verge of death too many times. I can’t tell you what stopped me but what I can tell you is that I’m glad it did. I have too much to offer the world and too many people it would hurt. If it weren’t for my sister I would be homeless and thats the case with most of our homeless. They are mentally ill and sick and sad all at the same time. Its time to wake up America.
Alone isn’t forever. Someday. Someone how. I will meet someone or meet my calling and I will not be alone. Nor is being alone bad. I look forward to getting to know myself again. I am beautiful inside and out and I know in my heart my soul will eventually want to remain here on planet earth.
I am about to start my life all over again where I thought my life was just beginning six years ago. I was sadly disappointed. This was his favorite picture of us. You can burn all the pictures you want but you can’t burn the cloud unfortunately. Or at least I don’t know how to. Memories aren’t always bad. It wasn’t always bad. When I was healthy he was a good man. When I got sick I guess so did he. Can I truly blame him. As I have grown over the past year I’ve learned sometimes people have to let you go and you have to let people go to take care of yourself and that doesn’t mean you don’t love them it just means you sort of have to love yourself more. And yes it sucks and it hurts and its not fun at all. I know from having to be the one to LET go and having been the that was let GO…it sucks. Life in general if full of mostly these terrible awful things and mixed with this amazing beauty if you can look closely enough. I was lucky to have the time I did with him. I was lucky for the lessons he taught me. I was lucky and blessed to have been near my sister for most of our relationship. Which begs the question….was she my grounding cord. Sisters are soooo important.
My sister has basically came down from heaven like the arch angel Michael and saved me by the grace of God by giving me a roof over my head when I make it to Columbus MS. I know I’m meant to be there. I feel in my heart strings God pulling me there. Back to where it all began. I don’t need to be where it ended. I need to be where I was when there was no “him”. When there was only ME! I know in my heart of hearts I am getting well and that soon I will be independent again and he will miss out on the very best part of me. He will regret not sticking around for those bad times. And just so you know I CHOSE to leave. Just so thats clear. He wanted me to be independent and well I guess I took it a little too far. The thing is rock bottom is what I NEEDED. I would have never seen anywhere near rock bottom with him. He liked toys and expensive things. I need to simplify my life. Not have fancy “things”. Things will only fill your heart so much. And I’m not even sure its your heart its filling.
I wish I could share my heart with the world. I wish I could share all the love it has in it. I also wish I could show the world all the hurt it sees so they would have compassion for others. Maybe then the world would be a better place?
This morning I called my mother to tell her that I had a Kate Spade phone cover and it made me happy and sad all at the same time and when I did she told me that Anthony Bourdain killed himself as well. I burst into tears. Satan immediately said “do it”. “You’ll go out with the legends”. But heres the thing guys. I haven’t even had a chance to become a legend and while its sad and Anthony was a hero of mine and it really hurts I can’t do that to the people I love and most importantly I can’t cheat myself or my God out of potential good I may do the world.
Whats truly sad about all of this is the man I fell in love with is now a mean bitter person who wants nothing to do with me and shows me nothing but anger. Do I deserve that? Maybe? But does any human deserve to be treated in that manner?
DPL please come back…to where it all began. One day. I have a year of discernment.