I have 132 missed calls. I shit you not. I also have 17,443 unopened emails. My house looks like a desperate plea for an easy out. I haven’t folded laundry in well over a month. Yet somehow amidst all the chaos I still find time to date. And somehow I think it’s helping my sanity. To a certain degree. I’m more social. Which helps my confidence and I’m actually taking better care of myself. Cause I can’t expect to impress someone if I don’t. As long as they don’t have to see my house. Or know how many missed calls I have. Or unopened emails. That stuff stays hidden. From everyone. Especially myself. The fact that I’m more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life yet I still have the capacity to love someone else or be willing to absolutely amazes me. It shocks me. I’ll love someone who doesn’t even deserve it from me yet I don’t know how to begin to pull myself out of the dark abyss I’m currently in. For me at least it’s not about being loved as much as it about the ability to love someone else outside my own crappy self. I don’t expect anything from anyone because I’ve learned I can’t even count on myself so why should I even consider counting on someone else. I’ve been stood up more times than I’d like to admit. I’ll wait by the phone wondering what I’ve done wrong. Even though I know in my heart of hearts it’s nothing I’ve done wrong except lower my expectations. I deserve better than that and I know it. My friends know it. They tell me. But they know me well enough to know I’m gunna do whatever the hell I want to do. I see the lost and unloved and think, not that they can be saved but that they need loved just like everyone else. I’ll take care of the world before I start to take care of me. And well that has got to stop or else I fear I’m going to stay in this abyss forever. I wish I knew the answers and I wish so badly I could be kind to me, for just once. No one is going to get me out of this but me. Dating, or attempting to I think is a step in the right direction but it’s a flicker in a dark and cold place.
Posts tagged oneroeatatime
Choose another tag?
As I look around my house and see boxes and crap everywhere I wonder how it is that I got here. I JUST moved here. I’m not supposed to moving yet. This was supposed to be my new start, instead it became the end of my time here in Florida. Never in a million, trillion, thoughts did it ever occur to me that I would be moving back to Mississippi. Ever much less this soon. I feel like not making it here is letting so many people down, most importantly myself. I couldn’t make it. Its as simple as that.
I went for a walk early this morning trying to use one of my DBT skills and I noticed there was a park right by my house. I had never known for nearly 6 months there was a park right by my house with a walking track and everything. HOW much of a recluse I had become. I used to go out and explore. I used to be adventurous. I used to explore. What the hell happened? I have no idea. I’m trying to find that girl buried under all the hurt and pain. She’s in there somewhere.
When I wake up Monday morning my whole life will be completely different. I’ll be somewhere completely different. If you had asked me three months ago if this is where I would be I would have said “uh you have got to be kidding me”. This was never my plan. This wasn’t even plan “B”. This wan’t even a plan until it HAD to be one.
That is a picture of the front of the house I’m going to be living in on Monday?
Am I ready? Hell no
Am I excited? Yes
Am I scared? Hell yes
Is it time to go? I think so
Will it be good? Yes it will be
Lets see what chapter Columbus holds. I will be off till I can get to a coffee shop or somewhere with Wi-fi to work on the blog. I will think of you all. All over the world who follow me. I thank you. You push me to fight another day! Chapter Four will be revealed in Columbus as well for “A beggar, A prostitute, and A writer” So watch out of that coming soon!!
I have seen things I cannot unsee. I have second hand partaken in things I wish I could say I didn’t. All I was trying to do was help. Thats all I ever want to do is to help. My second day on the street was my last. OR so I thought. IT was the last day I would be out there begging although I did go back tonight to help and bring bags a friend helped me put together. Thats when I saw things I wish I could unsee. We will get to that. But first let me to you about Jason. Jason was this sweet boy, well guy. Probably my age. Who is homeless and lives on the streets. He has nothing. He has only himself. I took a liking to him on my first day. He walked by me and read my sign and said “yup, thats what I’m always saying”. So on my second day I figured I would see if he wanted to sit with me. Maybe a couple would make more money? And we could split it evenly? He agreed and we went down to the Sanger Theater. I got to know Jason. I got to know how sweet a soul he has. We had been in the heat for over an hour and I hadn’t eaten all day and I could only imagine. I had a few bucks on my LLR card and knew they had half off pizza at a downtown pizza place so I asked if he had eaten today…he didn’t say anything. He just up and left. He came back with subway and gave it to me. I asked where he got it he said “money”. Its true, the homeless take care of each other. I wish I hadn’t gotten the news I got tonight. Anyway that was just the beginning of Jason and mines adventure that night. We saw an Eagle Scout and I was able to say I was a Gold Award Recipient. Not sure how good that looks but I said it. It doesn’t matter what you do in your youth you can still make mistakes as an adult that can lead you to begging on the street and I hope his mother had a long talk with him and I wish I could have shared my story with him. I wish I had had the courage then instead of now. To tell him the mistakes I made and what not to do. Maybe thats what my book will be. A guide of what NOT to do. Seems fitting. I know everything that DOESN’T work. Jason and I also met a future congress man Phil Ehr. With whom I got to express my deep concern for the mentally ill and the homeless. He squatted down and got to our level and LISTENED TO US!!! How inspiring. I will definitely vote for him. NOT because of his party, not because of his opinions on anything but because of his compassion and the fact that he looked at me and treated me like a real person who had a real vote and a real opinion that mattered. Thats why. I hope one day he is our president and I get to look back on the time I met our president. With my friend Jason. Who will live forever in my heart. I may never get to say goodbye to him. I went back downtown after I left that night. Jason and I made out with $6 a piece. Which is good for 3 hours I suppose. Anyway I brought Jason a comforter I wasn’t using so that he wouldn’t be sleeping on cement. Well tonight when I went to deliver the bags my friend and I made up “Little momma” said he went to jail and they took his comforter. I blessed him with Rose oil that night in the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit. I don’t know if I did it right. If I did then may be jail saved him. He had a roof and three square meals a day. But I wouldn’t wish jail on anyone and they took the blanket I gave him. I hope they give it back or put it with his things. He is a real person. Those are his things. They may not be much but those are his! My heart hurts for selfish reasons. I wanted to see him one more time. I wanted to say goodbye. Knowing he is safe makes me feel good though. But I hurt. I hurt for what I saw tonight. I saw a lady do heroine. My high school sweet heart died of a heroine overdose. I told her that. I told her not to do too much. She told me not to give people any more money. I said “yes ma’am”. Knowing I had just contributed to the heroine she was smoking. Did I give her a lot of money? HELL NO. I don’t have much to give. She was making a point to a sweet naive little girl. The world is cruel. The world is sad. The world is broken. And my heart alone is not big enough to fix it. I have come to realize this and it breaks my heart even more. I can’t take anymore emotions tonight. I just wanted to deliver bags to the homeless. Not learn life lessons and have old wounds brought up and find out that a good friend will never know the impact he made on my life. Y’all take it one roe at a time. I’m off to bed for now.
Sam came into his east hill apartment around 12:30am. He always felt terrible not staying the night at charlottes. But alas he was allergic to her cats. He threw his Iron and Wine record on and tossed his hand stitched brief case to the side. He was just as over today as Charolette was. Life on Wall Street wasn’t always what it was cracked up to be. It took a lot of work. Before he became a broker, Sam was a world traveling chef. He used to travel the world writing blogs about the different cultures and foods he encountered. What with that not making the rent and with his parents split he needed to do something else. He needed to grow up so to speak. Get a REAL job. Stop “playing” around as everyone called it. Charlotte always called it “art” and said he should always follow his dreams. Thats one of the things he loved so much about her. There was so much naivety to her. Like she had seen so much hurt and pain of the world that instead of it making her bitter and hostile it made her more of a lover. Sam however was not a lover by any means. Nor was he cold. He just didn’t show much emotion. Which wasn’t to say he didn’t have any.
Miles away across town Charlotte lay in her bed wishing she didn’t have cats listening to her own created station on pandora. It sucked sleeping alone in such a big big city. “I can’t wait to get back to the country”, Charlotte sighed out loud to any of her cats that would listen. If she did in fact lose her job she will have lost everything. She basically lived pay check to pay check anyway so this was going to hit hard. She knew would have to move back home. It was her only option. But how. How would this even be feasible? She didn’t even have money for a truck. Before she knew it she was dozing off at her laptop while trying to finish one more article to try and save her job. Would it work? She hoped it would. She loved her job. She was good at it. It was the first actual writing job she had ever gotten and she didn’t want to lose it now. There wasn’t many people at the “Daily Harold” that actually LIKED Charolette. She was sort of on the different side. She used the “L” word which scared people like they were cock roaches running from fire. All this weighed on Charlotte as she laid in bed staring up at the ceiling. She couldn’t even find a man who could stand to stay the night with her.
There once was a girl who never in her life thought she would be coupled into all three categories but somehow she was. This is the story of how this all came to be.
So there she was just a tapping, tapping at her computer as Eric Clapton played in the background on her record player. She had to get this article in before her boss went a wall. This was the second time she was late for her article and it was all because she had been sick the past few months. Luckily she had been able to keep her job because she was such a great writer. Her long blonde hair fell carelessly over her face as she brushed it aside to hit the send button. Before she knew it her cat Hemingway had jumped on her computer and hit delete. She knew this was the last straw. She knew her job was done for. She literally had $300 in the bank and a pile of unopened mail. This was not good. Instead of losing her mind she grabbed her headphones, pulled her hair into a pony tail and went for a run downtown. On her run she passed many beggars on the street. Not knowing in the coming days this would be her. Not knowing she would be considered a prostitute by her own family. Not knowing any of this she ran. She ran so hard and fast. Sweat pouring down her face she imagining running from all the things stressing her out, her finances, her lack of stability, her on going mental health issues, her lack of resources and a support system, and finally her lack of love. She had never ran so hard in her life. When she made it back to her apartment there was a pleasant surprise waiting there for her. It was Sam. Sam was the guy she was seeing. He was a broker on wall street. They weren’t serious but that didn’t mean they didn’t like each other or respect each other. No one even said they didn’t have love for each other. They were just both at time in each others lives where a relationship didn’t fit. Sam always made Charlotte happy.
“How was your day” Sam asked as Charlotte got her keys from her shoelace.
“Fine I guess”, Even though she really wanted to say “it was awful, terrible, the cat freaking lost me my job probably but other than that I’m just great.”
You see Sam and Charlotte had only been together a couple of weeks so she didn’t feel exactly comfortable telling him EVERYTHING just yet.
“You look exhausted” Sam said as he caressed the charlottes lower back.
“YOU have NO idea” She exclaimed as they walked up the stairs to her apartment.
Before the key was in the lock they were in an embrace that not even nature itself could break. When the door opened Sam began to take Charlottes clothes off piece by piece and place in her dirty clothes hamper. He ran the shower for her. Once she was in the shower Sam decided to join her. Once he was in the shower with her their bodies became a blur of one through the fogged over glass shower door.
The real reason I’m leaving FL is really so complicated. The last words DPL said to me was “Giving up got you to where you are now”. Was he talking about Pensacola? Was he talking about the little ghetto I live in. My neighbors are actually really nice. What was he referring to. That statement has eaten away at me since I moved here in February and I guess thats when I started to not be myself at work and things started to fail for me at work. When things start going downhill at your job its never good and I was doing soooo well. Sooo so well. It was totally my thing. I was great at it. I let one phrase haunt me. And I think it was meant to do that. I don’t know. I’ll never know because he has since cut off all communication with me. Was he referring to my life in general? Was he saying my life now sucked? What was he getting at? I still had some brief hope for LOVE between us because there was so much history between us and I always envisioned being with him the rest of my life. So I stayed in FL. There were a couple of MINOR/MAJOR reasons too I stayed. My doctors were here. But now that I know there is no hope for me and DPL and no hope for me at a job I loved sooo sooo very much I am going back to where it all started. Columbus MS. Not everyone knows my story. This is where you’ll hear my story. One day I’ll compile it into a book with the help of an editor. But for now it is a blog. A blog about writing whatever I feel is relevant at the time in my life. Right now figuring out WHY I am leaving is relevant. Am I running away?
Me and one of my best friends tried to get down to the root of why things broke down at my job but I left out the haunting phrase my ex left with me with because it wasn’t until this morning it hit me how relevant that was to me. I will however always find people in the work environment that don’t like me and maybe even choose to make fun of me. Some people never grow up. I need to take that like the strong woman I am and not let it get to me like I did. But little did these co workers know I had soooo much more going on. And I can’t fault that for that. I also need to stop talking things so personal. Not everything is a personal shot. Also we know there will be douche bags everywhere you go. The thing is I’m choosing not to date when I go to Columbus. Like AT ALL. NO ONE. NOT EVEN MY CELEBRITY CRUSH. I will be single for a year. I’m old I know. Its probably not the wisest choice since I do want kids and a family one day should that be the path God has for me but ya know, maybe its not. And thats okay. I’m okay with that.
This sweet innocent little girl. Who is she at 28? Well right now she is at a turning point. Things are shifting. In a good way. Yes I am talking about myself in the third person. Oh well. I am growing. I am changing. I have been a seed planted and blooming and planting this HUGE roots so I can grow into this GIANT tree. My hope in life is to touch a life. To make a difference. To help someone. To change something. To help the world in some way. I am a writer, a fashion designer as far as outfits and styling goes, and apparently an aspiring hair dresser. I love all I meet and try to express that. It always freaks people out. I love with all of my heart. I get sad sometimes. And its not just for me, its for the world. I honestly get sad for the world sometimes and just sob. I am an emotional being. I love that being with professor Lupin has taught me to be more logical in my thinking and not so emotional. I have had so many support system members along the way teach me that. I WILL always cry over the sadness I feel for the world though. I can’t help it.
I like to be outside all of the time unless the weather is to the point where I can’t stand it. I love being active if I can. I do have medical disabilities. Camping is one of my favorite things and hiking!!! Just laying a blanket in the grass and looking up at the clouds as they pass by is just amazing for me. I am an artist. I have a very vivid imagination. I love RPG games. Video games are awesome too!! I can play shooter games pretty well! I’m such a nerd. I even know WOW and LOL. I listen to records when I can and pandora and Spotify. Life without music is no life at all. I should not be alive on several different accounts but here I am so I suppose you could say I have some Devine purpose here. I have no idea what though. Often times I want to give up but I know that God has SOMETHING planned for me. If it takes selling all my stuff and starting all over then I will. I don’t care. I’ll do it. I’ve done it before. I’ve started from nothing. What would be the difference? Symbolically I’m being reborn. This is my Saturn returns! This is my major shift. This is who Kathleen is becoming. Who I am becoming. These changes happening right now will define who I am years to come. I will chose right over wrong always. I have always had a strong moral compass. I get very bad anxiety over it. I was raised very strictly. I hate getting in trouble. So I try to follow the rules and do what is right so I don’t get in trouble and when I do get in trouble it always triggers an anxiety attack. Theres a fact many of you probably didn’t know about me. I have gotten in trouble so much lately I have trouble going to the bathroom in certain places. It has become ridiculous. I have even developed a double UTI. I AM SO TIRED of my anxiety getting in the way of my success. I know I could rock the hell out of things. We all have our flaws I just feel like mine puts a target on my back. Anxious people ALWAYS stick out. We can’t help it. Things are changing though like I said. I am no longer letting these things effect me. I am moving past the excuses, past the anxiety and focusing on me and MY DREAMS. To write a novel, have a successful career somewhere, go back to school for cosmetology and maybe fall in love or become a nun. Either works for me. I’ll end with a prayer and a song.
I Come to you with a sinful heart but a heart full of love. Lord forgive me for the pain I have caused others in recent months, weeks, or even years. Lord I ask that you keep all my friends safe and protected in your warm embrace. You are the way the truth and the light. Lord let us not forget it was you who sent your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins so that we may be forgiven. Lord I ask for forgiveness and peace. I ask this and all unspoken prayers in your name.
A prayer by Kathleen R Scheel
Jesus said to his disciples:
“You have heard that it was said,
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil.
When someone strikes you on your right cheek,
turn the other one to him as well.
If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic,
hand him your cloak as well.
Should anyone press you into service for one mile,
go with him for two miles.
Give to the one who asks of you,
and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.”
In todays Gospel for the Catholic Church it teaches us not to hold grudges or do things out of revenge basically. If someone needs something you give it to them no matter what. If someone steals from you, LET them. IF someone hurts you LET them. DON’T take action, that is for God to do. Not you. Recently I tried to take something into my own hands and I’m paying for it now with feelings of immense guilt and self blame. Was I right about a few things, well everything, YES. BUT that doesn’t give me power to take things into my own hands. That is up for God to decide. I have since decided it best that maybe I take myself out of the situation all together. It will cause me much sacrifice but if it saves just one person it won’t be in vain. Not one bit.
I have felt such a sickening guilt all day, ever since reading the gospel I have been saying Hail Marys, our fathers, regular prayers and the sorrowful sins prayer ALL day. I am sick to my stomach at the though of ruining someones life. Or being the cause of anyones discomfort or set back. Thats never my intention. I have whats called “word vomit”. I don’t mean to it just happens. I have made such grave mistakes but I’m growing and learning and I hope that everything works out the way God wants it to. I have been praying and doing what he is telling me to do. This is all I know.
You have got to be your own boss. You cannot rely on anyone else but you. I have become so dependent on my support system that it is a GOOD thing that I am leaving them. I will get to grow on my own. I will no longer have them. I will be completely on my own. Granted I’ll be in a town I know and I do know people there but as far as a rock support system I have none. I don’t even have a Dr there yet or a therapist. Its a very scary thought but I know I can make it. I have FAITH and BELIEF in myself. You see the last four words in belief IF you jumble them them make LIFE. Life comes from belief. You have got to believe in yourself.
If you don’t make your life your own someone else will make it theirs. I have been there. I was changing to be someone I wasn’t to be with someone for five years and whats crazy is the person he fell in love was the REAL me. So if I hadn’t been obsessed with changing into what I THOUGHT he wanted me to be perhaps things would be different but honestly I wouldn’t change a thing. I have learned sooo sooo sooo much over my grief. I have grown into such a beautiful loving woman because of all the loss I have been through. You can only become the person I am today without having gone through the pain that I have. If life didn’t have highs and lows we would all be on this flat line and then we wouldn’t really be living. I’m getting off subject which if you haven’t noticed I do a lot. What I want to say to you is that you need to take responsibility for YOU and YOUR dreams and YOUR passions and most importantly YOUR life. After all it is YOURS. BE YOUR OWN BOSS!!!!
I had to post this. The title of this blog is the name of a book about BPD. I can’t tell you how terrible it is having this disorder. I feel abandoned all the time. Sometimes for legit reasons sometimes for reasons that mean nothing. One day on this blog I got over 70 views. Now I barely get 20. Please share this. Share my story. Help someone. Someone can benefit from what I talk about I just know it. I don’t know who but someone will.
You see I am not BEING abandoned necessarily but I am ABANDONING people I care about. I am leaving people that care immensely about me and that I care immensely about. And it hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever get married now. I may be wrong but in the sense of the word I don’t think it will happen. I’ll never have a pretty white dress, I’ll never walk down any isle, and thats fine with me. I’m OKAY with that. Really I am. I’VE EVEN LOVED SOMEONE ENOUGH TO CONSIDER THE THOUGHT OF REHOMING MY CATS AT SOME POINT. LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. Love in the sense of things can work if two people are willing to work at it and give and take. Is there chemistry? Do they make you happy? Do they fit your spiritual needs? Are they on your maturity level? OR are they on the way there. I am not in the place or time for a relationship and I know that and I’m okay with that. I still have growing to do. Thats why I’m moving to the very first place I was on my own. I made myself then and I can make myself now. I know I can. Professor Lupin has given plenty of tools and even has taught me how to produce a very very nice protonus charm. Also the beauty of chocolate which in our world is records. He has been so amazing and such a blessing and I hope he shows up in chapters to come in my life but shall he not I will always come to back to this one and look back with fondness.
We all know I feel too much. We all know that. Well one reason I feel abandoned is my followers on this blog have drastically dropped. My views and likes. But ya know what at least someone SOMEONE cares enough to take the time to read this and follow my story and my growth. I accomplished something great today. I did something by myself that I really didn’t want to do and was talked into the courage by professor Lupin himself. I asked him to go with me and I don’t think its that he didn’t want to I think he wanted me to overcome a fear which I did with grace and poise and there was even a frog involved lol. I should have snapped a photo.. maybe next time.
For those of you that read this and follow me I hope it touches your soul like it touches mine to write it. I have love for the whole world so know that I have love for you too even though I may not know you. My heart is with you.
Kathleen R Scheel