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"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing" – Benjamin Franklin

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If anything sums up my dating life its this GIF. The dating scene here in Columbus MS is about as broad as my knowledge in theoretical mathematics. We ain’t getting no where. I feel like I’m going to be single forever and I may very well be. My mom even said she was signing me up for Catholic Singles.com. Surely thats a joke at my expense right?! I’m horrified at the thought that I’m getting to the age where my parents are wanting to set me up. On an online dating site. I almost asked for three months of eharmony for Christmas. I can bet I would have gotten it. I think it hurts my parents to see me this single than it hurts me. Honestly most days I’m too stressed out avoiding the bill collectors and wondering if I’m going to have enough to keep the lights on to be worried about dating. But again I’m a year away from thirty so it is on my mind. I am female. I’m on every dating site known to man kind and nothing around here brings any luck. I thought I got lucky the other day. Cute guy, we had been texting for a while, come to find out he’s got a girlfriend. Why on Gods green earth this man was on the most obscure dating site but still. Why. MY LUCK is why. He says he’s looking for friends and something about gender roles. I have no idea, I was lost at “I have a girl friend”. Rightly so.

So if you’re looking forward to my sex in the city esc writing style I had in Pensacola you can kiss that dream goodbye. I sure have. That will not exist here. The only thing that exists here is loneliness and cat memes. And sad sappy Match box 20 songs.

I apparently want to push myself around because I landed myself in the zone of no return when it comes to dating. I don’t want to be alone forever but for now I’m stuck with me. And thats okay. My age is not but I’m overall okay with being alone. I’m honestly so busy I don’t have time to think about it and I’m so concerned with keeping my head on my shoulders its in the furthest reach of my brain, yes I’m lonely and yes I miss cuddling and kissing and what not but most of all I miss having someone to tell how my day was. And just go over what happened. I don’t have that. I’ve got to find that in myself. Maybe one day I will have that again in someone else but for now I’ll have to settle for the best. ME.

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Fitzgerald, one of Americas iconic writers didn’t become famous until after his death but that didn’t stop him from wanting to achieve his dreams and live a life he was proud of, and want it for his fellow peers. I have no idea what my future holds but what I do know is that I can’t give up now. My last post may have made it seem like I was ready to, and I’ll be honest I have days where I feel like I want to but something stops me. My will to live outweighs my will to give up. Or rather I’m just so tired sometimes that I can’t even do that. I’d rather wait it out and see what happens. As long as there is air in my lungs and blood flowing through my veins then I might as well try. I know my last post probably scared a lot of people but what you must know is that first of all I’m a writer, everything I feel is done with passion, I WAS feeling like ultimately giving up, yes. That comes with having borderline personality disorder. Suicidal thoughts are part of the depression I battle everyday. Its like a cannon going off amidst the artillery fire in an all out war. BUT A thought doesn’t necessarily mean an action.  Giving up isn’t an option for me, but starting over is,.

Starting over is hard and it hurts like hell. Its stressful. Its taking two steps forward and three back and somehow still making progress. Its unpacking all the boxes you’ve left unpacked or just throwing them away and accepting they are gone. Its accepting you may be eating ramen until the next power bill is paid. Starting over may mean staring at something you’ve started and accepting its time to let it go. OR perhaps go at it from a different angle. Starting over is leaving the job you’re not appreciated at even though its all you have, but you’ve come to realize you value your self worth a little more. Starting over is putting on PJ’s again at night instead of just falling asleep in your clothes. Starting over is loving yourself and letting everything else come afterwards.

 

Have you ever felt like you weren’t really alive? That somehow you had died and were trapped in this body? In this life? And that MAYBE it was purgatory. Lately I have felt this way. I sleep most of my days away. I ignore the bill collectors. I have 79 missed calls. I never go anywhere. I barely eat. I exist, I’m not living. I got out today to write this but not JUST to write this. I had to send my resume to my sister in hopes of getting a full time job. Something I desperately need.

“Its a no smoking sign on your cigarette break.” I smoke cigarettes. I have since I was 18. Its a terrible habit I know and hopefully one day when I beat this damn disease I can quit. I’ve been told I smell like smoke, I’ve been told I smell like cigarettes. I’ve even been told I need to spray something so I don’t smell for a job before, thats nothing out of the ordinary. But y’all I was told that I smelled like WEED. I haven’t smoked pot since I left FL and it was medicinally legal for me. And even then it was in concentrates and vapes. I haven’t heard that I smelled like WEED since, well, since my parents were accusing me of smoking it back in 09. I take things personally, words hurt. Maybe they aren’t meant to always but out of all the ways you could phrase something you say weed. First of all weed has a very very very distinct smell and cigarettes and weed don’t smell alike. At all. Thats why it felt like a blow to me. Because I know I may smell like cigarettes but I know theres no way in hell I smell like WEED. If my medicine allowed me to I would have cried my eyes out over this. I don’t dress like a “pot head”, I don’t talk like a “pot head”, I just don’t get it. I have been awake today longer than I have in at least three days. Sleep is all I can do. The meds aren’t working. I can’t afford therapy. I’ve been sick. Probably from stress or being upset.

I’m trying to start over guys. This is my story of picking up the broken pieces of a broken heart. IF your heart isn’t in it nothing will be and I’m finding thats why nothing seems to be working for me. My heart is so broken it can’t be in anything. I’m trying to heal. I’m trying desperately to stay here for myself and not just for the people that love me. Because let me tell you a life of merely existing and never living is a hell on earth. A minute feels like a hour. I can’t tell you the last time I laughed. I honestly can’t remember. Just admitting that and typing that out brings tears to my eyes. Everyone should know laughter and I haven’t known it for so long. If its the last thing I do its beat this disease, one way or another. I plan to start over. Today is a new day.

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What is unrelenting life crisis you may be asking yourself? Well it is what it sounds like and it effects those with borderline personality disorder. If you’ve ever watched “Girl Interrupted” you may be familiar with the disease I’m referring to. Well I’ve been plagued with this since I was 14. Unrelenting life crisis is as described by Dr. Shari Manning:

  • Crisis builds
  • One “bad” situation (many times not of their own making)
  • Inability to tolerate the distress of the situation
  • Leads them to make ineffective decisions OR
  • Engage in impulsive behavior to relieve stress
  • Makes situation worse
    I am working really really hard to use coping skills to manage the crisis that are coming up in my life but getting sober in and of its own is hard enough much less doing it with borderline. My hope is to do this, do it well and thoroughly so that I may be able to help other addicts and alcoholics that may have “grave mental illness” because you CAN recover!!! IT IS POSSIBLE!!! If I’m going to be a statistic I’m going to be the GOOD kind. I have many problems beset before me. First I stupidly backed into a wall and busted my OTHER tail light so don’t have any working tail light, My phone is about to get cut off and I have no idea what to do about that, I’m feeling every single emotion in one day, I’m longing to have a guy friend in my life and can’t find a sober one to save my life, being a tom boy theres only things a guy can relate to and I feel as though I’m being PUNISHED for something, my health insurance has run out and clearly I am sick, I have no clue how I’m going to pay for medications, I don’t qualify for Medicaid because I don’t have kids, I sat in fiber glass last night, my real family barely talks to me even though I couldn’t do this without them and I would love to share this with them, lonely is an understatement. I could go on but I won’t bore you. I think you get the point. What is my plan for recovery? WELL I’m glad you asked. First I’m going through the 12 STEP Program! Such an amazing way of life and if we all lived this way the world would be such a beautiful place. We are not perfect and no one person can adhere to the steps perfectly but I do my best and I will try my best everyday. Second I plan on becoming my own best friend again. I once was. Six years ago, before the great darkness. Before I lost Mariah and experienced the first great loss in my life. Before I started to get emotionally abused. I was truly in love with myself. I stayed up late reading “Brave New World” and the “Dune” series. I ran everyday. I did yoga. I meditated multiple times a day. I didn’t smoke NEARLY as much. I listened to music more, and probably most importantly I JOURNALED. Why I don’t do that anymore I have no idea. I will never be the SAME Katie again but what I want to do is read the Tao, I want to learn Thai Chi, I want to go camping ALONE, I want to run again and feel the freedom and release of my feet hitting pavement, I want to get back to my mat and do yoga again and eventually teach in rehabs, I want to quit smoking, I want to get a job and not just any job but something I’m passionate about and something that HELPS my community and those around me. I want to spread joy and happiness. I want to serve others. I want to travel the world and hike trails all over! And most importantly, I want and NEED to write and JOURNAL. I can’t tell you how healthy that is. I want to start making better healthier discussions. DPL stopping using me back in February and thats still relatively fresh, I’m not really looking to hop right into a relationship, I’m more focused on my well being and my self care. I had something happen to me and well it threw me for quite a loop. I don’t know how to put it words. I miss my friend from the hospital. My friend that got me to where I am now. The friend that got me on the road I’m on today. The friend that got me to where I can now look in the mirror and say “I love you, you are worth it.” He, he is the only guy friend I have and I’m not allowed to talk to him because I’m a girl. I remember staying up from the time we got meds at 8 until 11:30 or later just me and him talking. I softly cried to him. I will never forget just looking at him and telling him how desperate I felt. The desperation of a drowning man. I told him how I felt like no one understood me, and that I thought I was destined to be alone the rest of my life and that no one would ever love me the way I appreciated myself. You see, I KNOW my worth, I don’t look to others for validation, I know my worth. No one else does. But HE DID. He told me how he found love and told me that God had a plan and to just listen to my heart. He told me his story. I knew then I needed to get sober. He saved my life. I owe him my life.
    Growing is hard no matter if its in your bones or in your soul! Its going to be uncomfortable but oh so worth it! I am going to be such a stronger me and be able to handle all these unrelenting life crisis soooo much better and I’m going to be able to help people with my story. I’m going to have tough skin from being lonely. Sobriety isn’t always easy but it is ALWAYS worth it.

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The tightness in my chest seems to get worst as the day drags on. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. My bed soaking wet. Its absolutely disgusting. I’ll randomly start shaking like a leaf and then I’ll suddenly have to excuse myself to quietly vomit. I try and be discrete. I try to go unnoticed. I try not to make a big deal   everyone needs to know what this little blue pill called valium can do to you. After years of use. And prescription use might I add, will do to you. And its not just physical either. Its my mind too. I made coffee the other day without the coffee or the coffee pot under it, I’ve lost my keys in my house twice….and I’m SOBER. This isn’t supposed to happen or so I thought. I thought my mind would just go back to the way it used to be and I would magically be able to balance equations again and write a novel tomorrow. NOPE. Thats not how sobriety works. First you must feel all the pain you have numbed for so long and that must be felt in order for you to feel joy again. All the joy you have missed out on. Not only was I numbing the pain but I was also numbing all the joy in my life. The joy I could have shared with people like Professor Lupin. My favorite dark arts teacher EVER. No one will ever ever compare to him. Those will be some large shoes to fill.

Right now I’m sitting at a bar using WiFi to write this. Its SATURDAY night and PACKED. I got approached about this blog actually and its super exciting. Its funny how you can make connections and actually remember things when you’re sober. You don’t forget PEOPLE. You may forget where you sat your freakin keys but you don’t forget a face you once saw in a bar 6 years ago and then properly introduce yourself to them. Its a beautiful thing. A very beautiful thing. I often wonder how it looks to be sober and at a bar. What do people think. I’m feeling better writing though. I’m feeling better getting out of my head and putting it on a nice shiny computer screen. Me and a buddy at the bar. A non sober buddy both have our shoes off and are grounding. We are no shoe buddies. Its super cool. I have drunk friends. Actually its not funny, I wish I could save them all. I wish I could shout from this table “NO, do you not realize what you are doing?! Do you really NEED that shot? Do you REALLY want to be THAT drunk girl?! Do you REALLY want to be that ass hole? Do you want to wake up in a strangers bed smelling of alcohol and bad decisions? Do you want to risk that DUI? Do you want to vomit all over yourself before you even get home? Do you want to hit a mail box and mess your car up. Do you want to risk your LIFE. Over getting shitfaced?!” I have been all of these.  These are all grown ass adults. With jobs and duties and responsibilities who either find a way to manage life or they don’t. Some do and some don’t. Its the sad reality of it and I can’t save them even if I wanted to. I just can’t. Nor is my place to do so. All I can do is pray. Pray pray pray pray pray and pray. I want my friends to succeed but not all of them will. I want all of these people here to succeed but not all of them will. NOT all of them have the capacity to. And hell I may not either, sober. Who knows. I just undercut a guy who hurt me, and for what reason. To make myself feel better. The disease is still very much a part of who I am and I have to ask for forgiveness and resolution all the time. I have to take personal inventory every day and its not fun guys. At all. Sometimes I look at myself and am like why the hell did you do that. What greater purpose did it serve. Like a wise drunk person just said I don’t get to wake up and remember it and feel guilty about it, I feel guilty about it now. I said something I shouldn’t have said and hurt a guys feelings. Was I being honest in what I said. Yes. Yes I was but it wasn’t nice. At all. I have to ask myself all the time if the the words that came out of my mouth were nice. If not you need to ask them and God for forgiveness. You need to do better. Add the stress of that on top of withdraws and I’m a mess. I can’t be perfect. I never will be. And right now I think I expect too much of myself. Let me tell you what I’m currently withdrawing from. So four years ago I tried every non narcotic medication for anxiety out there. Nothing touched my anxiety. I said “I give up, give me benzos.” (side note just talking about the “blue” pills makes me nauseas and want to vomit. Its awful) I got prescribe 10mg 3x a day of valium and Xanax 5mg PRN. For THREE years. I went inpatient to La Amistad in Orlando FL for 3 weeks and they took my dose down and so when I got out I went down to 20mg twice a day and no Xanax. That, that was my first taste of withdraws. It was awful. And I still had the medication. That little blue pill that I have grown to loathe so very much. The pill that makes me want to vomit. Thank makes me shake like a 90 year old woman. That randomly makes me spew insults to others. I shouldn’t be allowed in public sometimes. I really hate this but its my penitence for the crime of giving up on myself and the coping skills I should have been using the whole time. I’m about to sing some Karaoke with my wise friend and go home soberly and NOT wake up with a hangover and go to church in the morning. Stay sober friends. Don’t be THAT girl, or THAT guy. Don’t be me.

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For the first time in my life I understand the word sober. These past fourteen days have taught me more than the last twenty eight years. Believe it or not. I am probably the friendliest person you could ever meet and always will be. That will never change but I have way tougher skin now and I know how to put up appropriate boundaries. And for the first time in probably a year I’m looking in the mirror and any reflective surface I can and smiling at MYSELF instead of just others. I’m appreciating my own beauty that I have just been offering the world instead of myself too. It took someone rejecting a FRIENDSHIP with me to even look inside and see that for myself. It hurt and it hurt badly, especially sober but because of it I am now able to look at myself in the mirror and see a glimpse of what everyone around me sees. I don’t claim to understand everything but what I do know is if you don’t accept me thats your problem not mine. And if you can’t be my friend well, poo on you.

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I may not be guilty of everything on that list but on thing is for sure I can’t have just one drink and I know that. I had my first therapy appointment for the first time in months and the first one in Columbus MS on Wednesday. During my inpatient stay I apparently had to fill out a questionnaire that I don’t remember but on that questionnaire it asked me if I thought I had problems with drugs and alcohol. Apparently I said no to one or more of those. Well obviously in my therapy appointment I told her yea I have a problem and thats why I’m in IOP and why I go to meetings. So I can recover. So I can begin to heal. She smiled and said “your answers changed.”. I immediately started to cry. I don’t know why. I guess because for the first time I was starting to be honest with myself and others. Honesty is a beautiful thing. If you can’t be honest with yourself who can you be honest with.

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This little lady (me) was born at 11:59 on August 13th 1989 and there is nothing wrong with me aside from the fact that I look like a smurf and I almost didn’t survive my own birth. I was 3 weeks early. I had a double hernia when I was born and was in the NICU for 3 weeks. If you think there is something fundamentally wrong with alcoholics and addicts well you are right and wrong. We are not BAD people, we are sick. It is a sickness. An allergy that creates a craving that cannot be quenched. We cannot have just one of ANYTHING. Moderation is foreign territory for us. Do not judge and do not be dismayed by our recovery and our success. We know what pain feels like.

I have lost my best friend, my high school sweet heart, I was made fun of in school, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, and I felt all that pain while on drugs and alcohol. I have now felt all of that SOBER. S O B E R!! I had to relive all of that pain. And I thought it was bad then. No. No. I screamed so much that 3 days later I still can’t talk. I fell down in the shower just screaming out in pain. Later that night I went to the ER thinking I was dying of a broken heart. I thought for sure I was having a heart attack. I knew I was dying of a heart attack. I just knew it. The only good thing about that visit was it tested my sobriety and I got to see some good looking nurses lololol I will not stand by and let this disease ruin me and I also will not stand by and be quiet about it. I am a writer. My job and my duty is to help people and thats exactly what I’m going to do. “NOBODY puts baby in a corner!”

The world needs to hear our story and they will hear mine!

You never know how many people really care until you hit rock bottom. People start to come out of no where. People you thought had forgotten all about you still remember your smile and the impact you had. No life is too small or insignificant. Everyone has a place. Even me. In my own weird way. I don’t know where I fit in this world but I know I was put here to help. I helped a girl out with clothes and a bible while in the hospital. One of the first things I did was get her a bag ready to go up to the hospital. It meant way more to her than it ever could to me. I didn’t do it for me I did it because I saw a need that I could fill. Something I could do to make the world a better place. So I did. I will call this girl until she leaves. I also met a man who lead me to get sober from my valium. Not that its bad for everyone but I have been on it for too long and everyone notices a difference of me on it. And thats what I hate. I want to be the best Katie for everyone. I hate being anxious but at the same time I don’t want to be a robot.

Part of being inpatient is giving up your freedom. Your sanity basically. You stare at walls for long periods of time just to think about the decisions you made that got you there. Which I can tell you sucks balls. I cried like a baby my second day. My first full day really. My second day I started to see the light and I started to do things that made me feel good, like run when we went outside and not sleep all day. I played cards with group members. I made people laugh. I’ll never forget those people. The people that impacted me far more than they may ever realize. You may think your life is insignificant and I know I sure did but no life is too small. NO LIFE is not important. NO ONE should be left behind in this cruel world I don’t care who you are. This world is scary and lonely and I don’t care what you’ve done you don’t deserve to be alone.

My friends and my family have carried me as far as they can and its time for me to carry myself. I pray for the strength and the courage to do so.

 

 

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As most of you know I suffer from mental illness. I speak openly about it in my blog and I am not ashamed to speak out about it. It is a prevalent illness across the world and needs to be addressed and not suppressed. These past few days I have been inpatient at a hospital here in Columbus MS. I was having terrible suicidal thoughts and my moods were so off. I was betraying my friends without intention and things were just getting out of control. I was pushing anyone and everyone that cared away. So that way leaving would be easier. I saw what I was doing so I knew I needed to check myself in somewhere so thats just what I did. I didn’t hesitate on my decision. Once I decided I was going I was going. I knew it would be scary and I knew I wouldn’t like it but I knew it was what I NEEDED. You are the only one that can take care of yourself and you are the only one that knows yourself well enough to know if you need help or not. I sought help because I knew my life was in danger. From my own hands. Which is pretty dad gum scary. I love life and I want to be here to help people but I have a disease which tells me I’m not worth it. And that no one loves me when in reality thats not true. Neither statement. IF you or someone you know needs help I urge you to get them to seek it. Its not fun but it does help. I feel a million times better. I came home to a car that won’t crank, a locked phone, but I am fine. I am okay. Everything will be okay. I have a roof over my head, I have friends that love me, and food for my belly. I can’t ask for more. I will get my phone to work and I will get my car to work at some point. Freaking out about it isn’t going to help. Being upset about it isn’t going to help. I’ll tell y’all all about being inpatient just as soon as I can. But I’ll tell you something there were times when I thought it was the worst decision of my life but now that I’m out in the free world I see that it was the best decision I could have ever made. I am back and I am ready to write!

 

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The real reason I’m leaving FL is really so complicated. The last words DPL said to me was “Giving up got you to where you are now”. Was he talking about Pensacola? Was he talking about the little ghetto I live in. My neighbors are actually really nice. What was he referring to. That statement has eaten away at me since I moved here in February and I guess thats when I started to not be myself at work and things started to fail for me at work. When things start going downhill at your job its never good and I was doing soooo well. Sooo so well. It was totally my thing. I was great at it. I let one phrase haunt me. And I think it was meant to do that. I don’t know. I’ll never know because he has since cut off all communication with me. Was he referring to my life in general? Was he saying my life now sucked? What was he getting at? I still had some brief hope for LOVE between us because there was so much history between us and I always envisioned being with him the rest of my life. So I stayed in FL. There were a couple of MINOR/MAJOR reasons too I stayed. My doctors were here. But now that I know there is no hope for me and DPL and no hope for me at a job I loved sooo sooo very much I am going back to where it all started. Columbus MS. Not everyone knows my story. This is where you’ll hear my story. One day I’ll compile it into a book with the help of an editor. But for now it is a blog. A blog about writing whatever I feel is relevant at the time in my life. Right now figuring out WHY I am leaving is relevant. Am I running away?

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Me and one of my best friends tried to get down to the root of why things broke down at my job but I left out the haunting phrase my ex left with me with because it wasn’t until this morning it hit me how relevant that was to me. I will however always find people in the work environment that don’t like me and maybe even choose to make fun of me. Some people never grow up. I need to take that like the strong woman I am and not let it get to me like I did. But little did these co workers know I had soooo much more going on. And I can’t fault that for that. I also need to stop talking things so personal. Not everything is a personal shot. Also we know there will be douche bags everywhere you go. The thing is I’m choosing not to date when I go to Columbus. Like AT ALL. NO ONE. NOT EVEN MY CELEBRITY CRUSH. I will be single for a year. I’m old I know. Its probably not the wisest choice since I do want kids and a family one day should that be the path God has for me but ya know, maybe its not. And thats okay. I’m okay with that.