As I look around my house and see boxes and crap everywhere I wonder how it is that I got here. I JUST moved here. I’m not supposed to moving yet. This was supposed to be my new start, instead it became the end of my time here in Florida. Never in a million, trillion, thoughts did it ever occur to me that I would be moving back to Mississippi. Ever much less this soon. I feel like not making it here is letting so many people down, most importantly myself. I couldn’t make it. Its as simple as that.
I went for a walk early this morning trying to use one of my DBT skills and I noticed there was a park right by my house. I had never known for nearly 6 months there was a park right by my house with a walking track and everything. HOW much of a recluse I had become. I used to go out and explore. I used to be adventurous. I used to explore. What the hell happened? I have no idea. I’m trying to find that girl buried under all the hurt and pain. She’s in there somewhere.
When I wake up Monday morning my whole life will be completely different. I’ll be somewhere completely different. If you had asked me three months ago if this is where I would be I would have said “uh you have got to be kidding me”. This was never my plan. This wasn’t even plan “B”. This wan’t even a plan until it HAD to be one.
That is a picture of the front of the house I’m going to be living in on Monday?
Am I ready? Hell no
Am I excited? Yes
Am I scared? Hell yes
Is it time to go? I think so
Will it be good? Yes it will be
Lets see what chapter Columbus holds. I will be off till I can get to a coffee shop or somewhere with Wi-fi to work on the blog. I will think of you all. All over the world who follow me. I thank you. You push me to fight another day! Chapter Four will be revealed in Columbus as well for “A beggar, A prostitute, and A writer” So watch out of that coming soon!!
Sam came into his east hill apartment around 12:30am. He always felt terrible not staying the night at charlottes. But alas he was allergic to her cats. He threw his Iron and Wine record on and tossed his hand stitched brief case to the side. He was just as over today as Charolette was. Life on Wall Street wasn’t always what it was cracked up to be. It took a lot of work. Before he became a broker, Sam was a world traveling chef. He used to travel the world writing blogs about the different cultures and foods he encountered. What with that not making the rent and with his parents split he needed to do something else. He needed to grow up so to speak. Get a REAL job. Stop “playing” around as everyone called it. Charlotte always called it “art” and said he should always follow his dreams. Thats one of the things he loved so much about her. There was so much naivety to her. Like she had seen so much hurt and pain of the world that instead of it making her bitter and hostile it made her more of a lover. Sam however was not a lover by any means. Nor was he cold. He just didn’t show much emotion. Which wasn’t to say he didn’t have any.
Miles away across town Charlotte lay in her bed wishing she didn’t have cats listening to her own created station on pandora. It sucked sleeping alone in such a big big city. “I can’t wait to get back to the country”, Charlotte sighed out loud to any of her cats that would listen. If she did in fact lose her job she will have lost everything. She basically lived pay check to pay check anyway so this was going to hit hard. She knew would have to move back home. It was her only option. But how. How would this even be feasible? She didn’t even have money for a truck. Before she knew it she was dozing off at her laptop while trying to finish one more article to try and save her job. Would it work? She hoped it would. She loved her job. She was good at it. It was the first actual writing job she had ever gotten and she didn’t want to lose it now. There wasn’t many people at the “Daily Harold” that actually LIKED Charolette. She was sort of on the different side. She used the “L” word which scared people like they were cock roaches running from fire. All this weighed on Charlotte as she laid in bed staring up at the ceiling. She couldn’t even find a man who could stand to stay the night with her.
The real reason I’m leaving FL is really so complicated. The last words DPL said to me was “Giving up got you to where you are now”. Was he talking about Pensacola? Was he talking about the little ghetto I live in. My neighbors are actually really nice. What was he referring to. That statement has eaten away at me since I moved here in February and I guess thats when I started to not be myself at work and things started to fail for me at work. When things start going downhill at your job its never good and I was doing soooo well. Sooo so well. It was totally my thing. I was great at it. I let one phrase haunt me. And I think it was meant to do that. I don’t know. I’ll never know because he has since cut off all communication with me. Was he referring to my life in general? Was he saying my life now sucked? What was he getting at? I still had some brief hope for LOVE between us because there was so much history between us and I always envisioned being with him the rest of my life. So I stayed in FL. There were a couple of MINOR/MAJOR reasons too I stayed. My doctors were here. But now that I know there is no hope for me and DPL and no hope for me at a job I loved sooo sooo very much I am going back to where it all started. Columbus MS. Not everyone knows my story. This is where you’ll hear my story. One day I’ll compile it into a book with the help of an editor. But for now it is a blog. A blog about writing whatever I feel is relevant at the time in my life. Right now figuring out WHY I am leaving is relevant. Am I running away?
Me and one of my best friends tried to get down to the root of why things broke down at my job but I left out the haunting phrase my ex left with me with because it wasn’t until this morning it hit me how relevant that was to me. I will however always find people in the work environment that don’t like me and maybe even choose to make fun of me. Some people never grow up. I need to take that like the strong woman I am and not let it get to me like I did. But little did these co workers know I had soooo much more going on. And I can’t fault that for that. I also need to stop talking things so personal. Not everything is a personal shot. Also we know there will be douche bags everywhere you go. The thing is I’m choosing not to date when I go to Columbus. Like AT ALL. NO ONE. NOT EVEN MY CELEBRITY CRUSH. I will be single for a year. I’m old I know. Its probably not the wisest choice since I do want kids and a family one day should that be the path God has for me but ya know, maybe its not. And thats okay. I’m okay with that.
This sweet innocent little girl. Who is she at 28? Well right now she is at a turning point. Things are shifting. In a good way. Yes I am talking about myself in the third person. Oh well. I am growing. I am changing. I have been a seed planted and blooming and planting this HUGE roots so I can grow into this GIANT tree. My hope in life is to touch a life. To make a difference. To help someone. To change something. To help the world in some way. I am a writer, a fashion designer as far as outfits and styling goes, and apparently an aspiring hair dresser. I love all I meet and try to express that. It always freaks people out. I love with all of my heart. I get sad sometimes. And its not just for me, its for the world. I honestly get sad for the world sometimes and just sob. I am an emotional being. I love that being with professor Lupin has taught me to be more logical in my thinking and not so emotional. I have had so many support system members along the way teach me that. I WILL always cry over the sadness I feel for the world though. I can’t help it.
I like to be outside all of the time unless the weather is to the point where I can’t stand it. I love being active if I can. I do have medical disabilities. Camping is one of my favorite things and hiking!!! Just laying a blanket in the grass and looking up at the clouds as they pass by is just amazing for me. I am an artist. I have a very vivid imagination. I love RPG games. Video games are awesome too!! I can play shooter games pretty well! I’m such a nerd. I even know WOW and LOL. I listen to records when I can and pandora and Spotify. Life without music is no life at all. I should not be alive on several different accounts but here I am so I suppose you could say I have some Devine purpose here. I have no idea what though. Often times I want to give up but I know that God has SOMETHING planned for me. If it takes selling all my stuff and starting all over then I will. I don’t care. I’ll do it. I’ve done it before. I’ve started from nothing. What would be the difference? Symbolically I’m being reborn. This is my Saturn returns! This is my major shift. This is who Kathleen is becoming. Who I am becoming. These changes happening right now will define who I am years to come. I will chose right over wrong always. I have always had a strong moral compass. I get very bad anxiety over it. I was raised very strictly. I hate getting in trouble. So I try to follow the rules and do what is right so I don’t get in trouble and when I do get in trouble it always triggers an anxiety attack. Theres a fact many of you probably didn’t know about me. I have gotten in trouble so much lately I have trouble going to the bathroom in certain places. It has become ridiculous. I have even developed a double UTI. I AM SO TIRED of my anxiety getting in the way of my success. I know I could rock the hell out of things. We all have our flaws I just feel like mine puts a target on my back. Anxious people ALWAYS stick out. We can’t help it. Things are changing though like I said. I am no longer letting these things effect me. I am moving past the excuses, past the anxiety and focusing on me and MY DREAMS. To write a novel, have a successful career somewhere, go back to school for cosmetology and maybe fall in love or become a nun. Either works for me. I’ll end with a prayer and a song.
I Come to you with a sinful heart but a heart full of love. Lord forgive me for the pain I have caused others in recent months, weeks, or even years. Lord I ask that you keep all my friends safe and protected in your warm embrace. You are the way the truth and the light. Lord let us not forget it was you who sent your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins so that we may be forgiven. Lord I ask for forgiveness and peace. I ask this and all unspoken prayers in your name.
You have got to be your own boss. You cannot rely on anyone else but you. I have become so dependent on my support system that it is a GOOD thing that I am leaving them. I will get to grow on my own. I will no longer have them. I will be completely on my own. Granted I’ll be in a town I know and I do know people there but as far as a rock support system I have none. I don’t even have a Dr there yet or a therapist. Its a very scary thought but I know I can make it. I have FAITH and BELIEF in myself. You see the last four words in belief IF you jumble them them make LIFE. Life comes from belief. You have got to believe in yourself.
If you don’t make your life your own someone else will make it theirs. I have been there. I was changing to be someone I wasn’t to be with someone for five years and whats crazy is the person he fell in love was the REAL me. So if I hadn’t been obsessed with changing into what I THOUGHT he wanted me to be perhaps things would be different but honestly I wouldn’t change a thing. I have learned sooo sooo sooo much over my grief. I have grown into such a beautiful loving woman because of all the loss I have been through. You can only become the person I am today without having gone through the pain that I have. If life didn’t have highs and lows we would all be on this flat line and then we wouldn’t really be living. I’m getting off subject which if you haven’t noticed I do a lot. What I want to say to you is that you need to take responsibility for YOU and YOUR dreams and YOUR passions and most importantly YOUR life. After all it is YOURS. BE YOUR OWN BOSS!!!!
I had to post this. The title of this blog is the name of a book about BPD. I can’t tell you how terrible it is having this disorder. I feel abandoned all the time. Sometimes for legit reasons sometimes for reasons that mean nothing. One day on this blog I got over 70 views. Now I barely get 20. Please share this. Share my story. Help someone. Someone can benefit from what I talk about I just know it. I don’t know who but someone will.
You see I am not BEING abandoned necessarily but I am ABANDONING people I care about. I am leaving people that care immensely about me and that I care immensely about. And it hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever get married now. I may be wrong but in the sense of the word I don’t think it will happen. I’ll never have a pretty white dress, I’ll never walk down any isle, and thats fine with me. I’m OKAY with that. Really I am. I’VE EVEN LOVED SOMEONE ENOUGH TO CONSIDER THE THOUGHT OF REHOMING MY CATS AT SOME POINT. LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. Love in the sense of things can work if two people are willing to work at it and give and take. Is there chemistry? Do they make you happy? Do they fit your spiritual needs? Are they on your maturity level? OR are they on the way there. I am not in the place or time for a relationship and I know that and I’m okay with that. I still have growing to do. Thats why I’m moving to the very first place I was on my own. I made myself then and I can make myself now. I know I can. Professor Lupin has given plenty of tools and even has taught me how to produce a very very nice protonus charm. Also the beauty of chocolate which in our world is records. He has been so amazing and such a blessing and I hope he shows up in chapters to come in my life but shall he not I will always come to back to this one and look back with fondness.
We all know I feel too much. We all know that. Well one reason I feel abandoned is my followers on this blog have drastically dropped. My views and likes. But ya know what at least someone SOMEONE cares enough to take the time to read this and follow my story and my growth. I accomplished something great today. I did something by myself that I really didn’t want to do and was talked into the courage by professor Lupin himself. I asked him to go with me and I don’t think its that he didn’t want to I think he wanted me to overcome a fear which I did with grace and poise and there was even a frog involved lol. I should have snapped a photo.. maybe next time.
For those of you that read this and follow me I hope it touches your soul like it touches mine to write it. I have love for the whole world so know that I have love for you too even though I may not know you. My heart is with you.
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” – Dory
Grief has seven major stages that we all must go through to heal properly. I’ll list them so that we are all on the same page.
Shock and Denial
Pain and Guilt
Anger and Barging
Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
Reconstruction and working through it
Acceptance and hope
I am stuck somewhere between upward turn and refection. Losing DPL hurt really bad. I am also grieving now leaving a home I made in FL. I am leaving a lot of people that care about me deeply. I saw a little cry because she thought it was the last time she was going to see me. Do you know how bad that hurt my heart. IT WAS SO PAINFUL. I hate that my moving is causing so much pain. I hate to leave my life I have made here but I feel its time for a new and better chapter in my life. Life is coming full circle for a lot of people I know. My friend Tara is moving back home to Kansas with her kids whom I will miss sooo much as well as her. I used to watch them at my daycare. OH did you know I used to run a daycare. Ha what is there I haven’t tried. I’ve also DJ’d too. Man I do scream adventure.
Grief can be good which is why this is titled “Good Grief”. Things happen for a reason. Everything you or I do happens for a reason. We don’t know it but the grief we feel is so the next love we feel is that much more precious. Once you have lost something you will never take that thing for granted again. I can attest to that. I don’t take having running water for granted anymore I can tell you that for sure. Nor love. Or the opportunity TO LOVE. Does it REALLY MATTER if we’re loved back? The point of life is to experience pain and joy. In joy lies love. Why not spread it? Whats so wrong with that. I literally get made fun of at work for saying the “L” word. But I don’t care. Thats who I am and they can get over it I love them anyway. Love isn’t always fair either. Love can be brutally honest. DPL may have been a little too brutally honest in the hurtful tones he said and the words he said but maybe if I look deeper maybe his love for me was frustrating him to the point of taking it out on me. Who knows. I can’t overanalyze it because to be honest it doesn’t matter. What does matter is to spread love. And to love honestly, hard, and without reason.
I don’t deserve your love. I deserve more grief than I do love but you have blessed me with so many times of joy that Im so grateful for. Thank you for sending your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins and so that I may be able to forgive through my grieving process and so that I may be able to love fully and honestly and without reason. Lord God I pray for all my pregnant friends that they may have healthy babies and healthy pregnancies. I know I am not worthy for an answer to this prayer but please if you hear me know that I love you and I try to love the whole world and try to do what you would do. In your name I pray this and all things unspoken in my hurting heart.
They say when girls go through a break up or major changes they always do something to their hair and I honestly can’t argue that. I can’t tell you one pivotal moment in my life where I didn’t do something somewhat drastic to my hair when something serious changed in my life. Tonight I discovered what Brittney Spears discovered back in 2000. It has nothing to do with making a statement to anyone else. IT has EVERTHING TO DO WITH TAKING YOUR POWER BACK!!!
This is my story and up until now I cared so deeply what everyone else thought and what everyone else thought but no. NOT ANYMORE. I have a VOICE. HA and if you know me I am really loud. I don’t mean to be but I am tone deaf so I don’t realize the pitch that I am at. Its little things people don’t know about me yet will be so quick to judge me over. They will not be friends with me over it. They will backstab me over it. I AM TAKING ALL THAT POWER BACK. So why the hell could I not wait until Thursday when a real hair dresser could cut my hair. Well heres the thing guys. It was more symbolic than anything. It was I with the scissors, it was I who was reclaiming my power.
I didn’t do half bad either. And this wasn’t the first time I have helped someone reclaim their power in this way. I have cut someones hair before and did a really good job. Of course they got it cleaned up but it didn’t look much different. It poses a question. Should I go to school for this? Its not something I really want to do but if I could help women reclaim that power then hell yea!!!
My life I’d like to be about helping people. If its smile, then smile, if its regain their power, then regain their power, if its sit in silence and pray with them, then so be it. I am at Gods mercy. I am following his will and his plan. I am to pray and discern for a year and if I still haven’t figured it out or met Prince Charming then it off to a convent for me. Which is fine with me. I would be okay serving God forever. Would you?
This isn’t the most catholic friendly song but I’m not a nun yet lol
One persons 100% is not going to be the same as another persons 100%. You cannot expect two people to be the same. I am putting forth every ounce I have into myself, into work, into LuLaRoe, into my finances, and into this blog and in that order. And maybe I have somethings backwards but for now and for my mental health its whats appropriate. ME being healthy is number one, me having a job is number two which does include my fashion business. Then there is the finances. Well when you’re not working with much there really isn’t much you can spend or go through. And finally this blog which I love. I love sharing my wonderful thoughts with the world. With the ethernet lol I try to write at least every other day. I hope that is enough for my followers. I had an epiphany in the shower yesterday after my water got cut on and I have a year to figure things out. I have no expectations going into this.
How expectations get us into trouble:
First off its just as bad as assuming and you know what that does
Not everyone is going to live up to them
It most often times leads to disappointment
why in heavens name would you want to do that to yourself
How expectations can help us:
You can let someone know what you expect of them
You as a person know whats expected of you
You could grow as a person if you FAIL to live up to those expectations
Reality is that not everyone is perfect and all you can do is pray for those that need guidance in their life. That need strength and courage. You have no right to judge them or tell them how the should or should not act. You don’t live their life you have NO IDEA what they are going through or have gone through. HOW DARE YOU think you have the slightest inclination of what one has experience throughout their entire life unless you are their therapist. I am learning and growing and blooming.
Choose to go into things with little to no expectations and you won’t be let down or disappointed. You’ll be surprised and amazed at what one can accomplish when given the room to bloom. And yes I meant that to rhyme. I’m a poet if you didn’t know it. (=
I have a tendency to live in the past just as much as I do day dreaming about the future. Packing last night I ran into a letter to the ex written February of 2017. I would love to share it but it shares intimate details I shouldn’t share publicly. There was an issue that he may not even remember that I was really upset about him not taking my side on and apparently thats one of the main reasons I left. I just wanted someone on my side. Its okay to look back but staying there will only make you old and frail. I feel like I’m 100. I’m just now starting again to live in the present. I used to but then I got sick. And stuck in places I didn’t want to be.
I was stuck in the waiting place for sooo long. Waiting for anything something. I wasn’t doing anything proactive on my behalf. I was just waiting for something to happen that never did. Don’t be like me. Don’t waste your time waiting away. Do something. Be brave. Take the girl out! Ask the guy for coffee! Go rafting by yourself. Go for a hike alone even though it may sound scary. Don’t wait around for something to happen because I hate to be the bearer of bad news but its not going to. You will be stuck in the past forever and never fully appreciate the present moment. We are never promised tomorrow.
I often wonder if people have any idea whats on my mind when I stare off into oblivion. Its the curse of having BPD. Having a personality disorder is soooo different than having any other disease. I wish people understood that. I was told today by someone I highly respect that I don’t need to use my disease as an excuse and I need to take responsibly for my actions. Here is where I have an issue with this. I admit I could do better. I admit my faults, I admit I am trying my hardest. My DISEASE is PART of my PERSONALITY. There are some things that I couldn’t help even if I wanted to. They can be good aspects about me but they can also be really bad. For more info on borderline please click on This Link. It has a lot of great info. I try to take responsibility in my relationships but again I’m not perfect.
Alas but we must get back to it. I have less than 30 days to pack, finish my taxes, make loads of money (yea right lol), get my cars registration renewed, and finally find a job in Columbus MS. Life is happening. And its happing now. Not in the past or the future but NOW. It may be cheesy but its true lol Life is happening NOW!!! lololol
With all that being said, I will make it to the other side of all this its a matter of how bad is it going to hurt? How many scars will I have? How broke will my heart be? Only time will tell.