Yesterday I was going to do my bible study and I flipped open my bible to wherever it wanted to go and what do you know it landed on Daniel and the Lions Den. I nearly broke down to my knees because I knew this was a story I needed to hear and actually read and understand in the Bible. Daniel not only prayed for himself but he prayed for his king who sent him into the den of lions in the first place. We are not only to pray to God when we are in hard times but we are to pray to God for those who may have put us there for they may not have wanted to or may not have had a choice. Its so easy to forget these things. Its so easy to get caught up praying for our own needs that we forgot those of the ones who may have wronged us. David also teaches us how to be a minister in a secular world. How he refuses to giveaway of the law. I am sitting here worried about a title and worried about being illegal in another state and not being able to register my ID or my living or anything or get a job when my trust should be in the LORD and I should be praying for my ex’s safety as he fights a war not be cruel and try to do my best to get this dang title in my name.
I come graciously before you asking for your forgiveness in my sins. I ask that you absolve this from my heart. I ask that you protect all the soldiers out there protecting our country right now. Especially the one that lives so dear in my heart. Please protect them on their missions. Please keep them safe in your embrace. I am confident you will protect me in my ventures. I believe, confess, and pray this in your name, our Lord, Jesus Christ.
I have sinned so greatly. I cannot go to confession and I am heartbroken. May the story of Daniel and the Lions Den help you to come to terms with how gracious of a God we have.
I don’t know how anyone can see a homeless person and not look down. If only for a second. We all know major cities and towns are going to be full of them that is just life. IT is what being below the poverty line has done, its what not being able to qualify for disability when someone really needs it gets turned down, its what being mentally ill and not being able to get help does to a person. Its HELL. I have lived it now. BRIEFLY but I have been behind the sign and will go behind the sign again today. Not for me but for THEM. The ones who have no one to look them in the eyes. The ones who remember my face because I had given them money and talked to them before. THEY REMEMBERED ME!!! And now when I have nothing to give they are helping me out telling me times to come back and when to come and trying to take care of me. There is such a strong calling in me to help these people. More so then to make money for my moving truck. If I make money for my moving truck thats fabulous but if not then God will provide some other way. I just know it. So do you want to know what it was like behind the sign? What it felt like to beg for money with a guitar and a case for 3 hours in the hot FL heat? Do you want to know what that feels like? What it taste like? What it sounds like? Listen close and I’ll tell you.
I started my journey later than I had intended to. Headed out, parked a good 8 blocks away from where I wanted to be sitting. First of all a guitar is heavy, so is a catholic Bible, (ya know, all those extra books lol) and then my water bottle. ITs FL so its HOT as all get out. Like I could have friend an egg on the cement had I had an egg. Anyway I’m walking down Palofax and I come upon a dang riot. Well riot is not a good word. “Gathering” “Supporters” with picket signs and the likes about SOMETHING. I don’t keep up with the news y’all. Its sad. I have enough sadness in my life. Something about supporting a congress man and I know they didn’t like Trump too much. I went LIVE with it on Facebook. I thought it was neat to walk up on that on my way to do this. So I watched that for a bit and then kept walking. I came upon a regular lady. A homeless lady who plays the guitar. She complemented mine and I said I would love to start a band. Haha apparently they prefer to work alone but I took no offense she told me where I could go. So I went down there. Along the way I passed another couple. They remembered me from when I had money and I used to always give them a dollar or a smoke. This time it was me on the other side. They were shocked. I’m sure a lot of them were. I assured them it was not a joke. WHO WOULD SIT IN THAT HEAT FOR A JOKE. Plus I would never want to take advantage of someone like that. So I sat below the Sanger theater sign. I played, and played and played, and played. People would walk by and not even look down. I would tear up. I was shocked someone didn’t call the cops on me for having an emotional break down on the street of Palofax. I’m a quiet crier though. I was crying not only for myself but the whole world of homeless people. They don’t even get treated like they are human. I had so many people cross the street just to avoid me. Do you know how that made me feel. The worst was when someone would reach in their pocket like they were going to give me something and I got excited and then they didn’t and I realized they put their hand in their pocket for protection. I would never take from someone else. And besides unless I use “the force” how am I supposed to get into your pocket?!? People are sooo weird. And its the little things that hurt and hell I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it. Do we realize how the small actions we do impact people on such a large scale. This is temporary for me I hope for them it is not. They have to live this everyday. The sounds were muted. I just heard my own thoughts and my guitar. I really don’t recall hearing anything else. The taste was dry and bitter. The feeling was awful. The concert was hot and my feet kept going to sleep and because I hadn’t eaten I couldn’t stand up. It was terrible. I was getting dehydrated NO ONE offered me water. Can we not show some compassion. I sang last night Palms 49 and I got $1 and finally had this creepy dude leave me alone. It was from a young boy. Teach your kids right. This little boy will never know what he did. That $1 didn’t go towards my moving truck. It went towards body wash for the homeless people of Palofax street. Supplies I’m bringing them tonight. I hope to make enough for a truck but this is for them not me. I’m bringing everything I can and hope it works. My bible and their stuff and my guitar is all I need. Wish me luck you guys!!!
Jesus said to his disciples:
“You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil.
When someone strikes you on your right cheek,
turn the other one to him as well.
If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic,
hand him your cloak as well.
Should anyone press you into service for one mile,
go with him for two miles.
Give to the one who asks of you,
and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.”
In todays Gospel for the Catholic Church it teaches us not to hold grudges or do things out of revenge basically. If someone needs something you give it to them no matter what. If someone steals from you, LET them. IF someone hurts you LET them. DON’T take action, that is for God to do. Not you. Recently I tried to take something into my own hands and I’m paying for it now with feelings of immense guilt and self blame. Was I right about a few things, well everything, YES. BUT that doesn’t give me power to take things into my own hands. That is up for God to decide. I have since decided it best that maybe I take myself out of the situation all together. It will cause me much sacrifice but if it saves just one person it won’t be in vain. Not one bit.
I have felt such a sickening guilt all day, ever since reading the gospel I have been saying Hail Marys, our fathers, regular prayers and the sorrowful sins prayer ALL day. I am sick to my stomach at the though of ruining someones life. Or being the cause of anyones discomfort or set back. Thats never my intention. I have whats called “word vomit”. I don’t mean to it just happens. I have made such grave mistakes but I’m growing and learning and I hope that everything works out the way God wants it to. I have been praying and doing what he is telling me to do. This is all I know.
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” – Dory
Grief has seven major stages that we all must go through to heal properly. I’ll list them so that we are all on the same page.
Shock and Denial
Pain and Guilt
Anger and Barging
Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
Reconstruction and working through it
Acceptance and hope
I am stuck somewhere between upward turn and refection. Losing DPL hurt really bad. I am also grieving now leaving a home I made in FL. I am leaving a lot of people that care about me deeply. I saw a little cry because she thought it was the last time she was going to see me. Do you know how bad that hurt my heart. IT WAS SO PAINFUL. I hate that my moving is causing so much pain. I hate to leave my life I have made here but I feel its time for a new and better chapter in my life. Life is coming full circle for a lot of people I know. My friend Tara is moving back home to Kansas with her kids whom I will miss sooo much as well as her. I used to watch them at my daycare. OH did you know I used to run a daycare. Ha what is there I haven’t tried. I’ve also DJ’d too. Man I do scream adventure.
Grief can be good which is why this is titled “Good Grief”. Things happen for a reason. Everything you or I do happens for a reason. We don’t know it but the grief we feel is so the next love we feel is that much more precious. Once you have lost something you will never take that thing for granted again. I can attest to that. I don’t take having running water for granted anymore I can tell you that for sure. Nor love. Or the opportunity TO LOVE. Does it REALLY MATTER if we’re loved back? The point of life is to experience pain and joy. In joy lies love. Why not spread it? Whats so wrong with that. I literally get made fun of at work for saying the “L” word. But I don’t care. Thats who I am and they can get over it I love them anyway. Love isn’t always fair either. Love can be brutally honest. DPL may have been a little too brutally honest in the hurtful tones he said and the words he said but maybe if I look deeper maybe his love for me was frustrating him to the point of taking it out on me. Who knows. I can’t overanalyze it because to be honest it doesn’t matter. What does matter is to spread love. And to love honestly, hard, and without reason.
I don’t deserve your love. I deserve more grief than I do love but you have blessed me with so many times of joy that Im so grateful for. Thank you for sending your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins and so that I may be able to forgive through my grieving process and so that I may be able to love fully and honestly and without reason. Lord God I pray for all my pregnant friends that they may have healthy babies and healthy pregnancies. I know I am not worthy for an answer to this prayer but please if you hear me know that I love you and I try to love the whole world and try to do what you would do. In your name I pray this and all things unspoken in my hurting heart.
I’m at point in my life where I feel like no matter what I do its going to be wrong. To someone. Its going to hurt someone. What do you do in times like these? I wish I were wise enough to tell you. I totally would. I’m not sure anyone has figured out to do in the case of the catch 22. I always make a pros and cons sheet and whichever has the most I go with. This case is a little different. It could help me, it could hurt me. it could help and hurt me. Or it could do nothing. I’m at a loss. I wish I could speak openly but until the wind passes and I’m on the next chapter this one must remain a mystery. But hey I gotta keep you reading somehow.
The question is DO I know what I’m doing or is “impulsive I just want results Katie”. I get that way sometimes. I try to follow my gut I try to pray about things and follow what God wants in my life. Ive really tried to grasp hold of that lately. If God is for me who can be against me. I am for the people. I am out to help people. I listen to people when they don’t think I am. I hear and see things people don’t realize I’m seeing or hearing. I’m way more observant. Theres this HUGE funny AF joke at work about my staring and how I can stare a hole in your soul. What am I doing when I’m off staring? I’m observing. I’m looking and listening to everything around me. People give me way less credit than I’m due. All of that said I do know the risk but is it worth it. I have observed things in life I wish I hadn’t and thats okay but what do you do with that?
Dear God, Thank you for all the friends, angels and king snakes you’ve put in my life, thank you for all the people you’ve brought into my life that have guided me back to your wonderful undying love. The love I’ve needed so bad. Give me the wisdom and clarity to make a decision based on your love and you justice that you would want. Lord guide me in these hard times, guide all the people in my life that they may know what to do as well. Lord I am not perfect and I ask that you take these imperfections and clean them and make them beautiful in your eyes. Lord I love you above all else. I ask all these things in your name I pray. Amen
Bee like the flower. Wait. The answers will come. They won’t always be easy. I can promise you they won’t always be easy but you will get through it. I was a bit wrong in “The Five Hierarchies of love”. There are snakes and there have been snakes recently in my life that have stolen from me, panhandled me, taken advantage of my kindness. These things are all true but what I realized is there are people who were giving me tough love or distancing themselves from me for their own reasons and they are the best snakes. King Snakes. King Snakes kill the bad snakes. I am grateful for the KING SNAKES in my life without them I wouldn’t be alive. With that being said I’m not perfect and I acknowledge that and I have made mistakes and hurt people I love with words. And for that I am sorry but I have the right to express myself and grow in the way that I know how. Writing. Sharing. Helping people. Teaching. This may help someone else avoid my mistakes. That is my hope.
This is the king snake my father and nice and nephew released this morning. Irony for you. I released my king snake tonight.
Patience is a virtue I need to work on very badly in every aspect of my life. Patience is more than just waiting. Its being present in the here and now. Feeling Shakespeare next to me. Feeling the warm blanket on my skin. Smelling my diffuser. Tasting the salt water I am drinking going Keto. Grounding skills is the first step to patience. Breathing is the first step to patience. Look around be thankful for everything around you. All that you have. Not only will you gain humility but it will give you strength to have patience for whats to come.
When you basically have nothing to your name its easy to become meek. And I think thats why I’m learning to become more patient with people. I am human I have my moments. I lose my cool when people do things to me when I’ve done to them and think its okay but how can I be the one that judges them. HOW DARE I be the one that hurts like I’ve been hurt. Thats no way to act in any situation. NO MATTER what. It hurts my heart to the point of physical pain to know I’ve hurt people I care about. All because I wasn’t patient enough. We could all use a little more patience. Bee like the flower. Wait for the bee. He will come. Like Saint Faustian says patience always leads to victory. Always. I always say take it One Roe at a time. Part of that is because I sale LuLaRoe but there is a hidden reason behind that as well that many if not no one but me knows until now. One of my favorite quotes is “if there is now wind, row.” and I like to tie that in as well. The spelling still is tied to my business but I was thinking about that the whole time. Sometime you gotta be patient when you can’t row and let the stream guide you. It knows the way.