I hate leaving. I hate saying goodbye. I try to be funny and silly but y’all I am bawling my eyes out the entire ride to wherever it is that I’m going. I don’t do so well before saying goodbye either. You know the saying or the saying that its easier to push people away then it is to say goodbye. Yea, well, I do that. I think, well, I know I did that. Have done that recently and maybe even tonight. I can’t help that I don’t do well with goodbyes and that subconsciously I will come up with reasons to make people NOT want to see me. NOT want to say goodbye. What sense does that make? None. I never said I made sense. I do not come with a disclaimer. I must warn you of that.
If I did life would probably be much easier for me, people would know what to expect. I have to learn the hard way. I have to experience things for myself. Thats the way I learn, is by experience, so therefore if you enable me I don’t learn anything. I get worse. I get sicker. I am fixing all of that. I have hit rock bottom. I am selling everything so I can pay debts back. I will ride a bike. I do not care. I hope it has a pretty little basket. With a little bell too! Through all my pain I’m trying to think positive I just have to figure out how I’m going to get the title to my car and how I’m going to sell it in two weeks. Thats the issue. I know it can be done but HOW. HOW. I HAVEN’T had a migraine in 5 months and I have one right now thinking about how I’m going to move in less than two weeks. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t afford a taco much less a moving truck. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I try so hard to support my friends and I get over whelmed and I’ll admit I do like pretty things but I get caught up in the madness that is life. That is trying to do the right thing. Trying to help. I forget about ME! And here I am leaving so I can be alone with ME dang it. I need some alone time. I’ll miss every soul that has touched my life here which is so so so so so many people but I am so happy to be leaving. Just not real sure how its going to happen at this point. I’m also deciding to quit taking valium all together. I thinks thats also why I feel like poop. With drawls are no fun. I hope all my rivers here have bridges and if they be crushes may they be able to be mended through the work of the powerful and mighty beaver over time. Leaving sucks. It just does. But coming home is exciting. Lets just hope I can make it!
Do you know what its like to go blind over someone? Have you ever listened to the words of this song? I know what its like. I have experienced a love that wasn’t planned or wanted or expected. And I still don’t understand it. I don’t question what life puts in front of me. I just greet it with a smile, sometimes with a confused look. None the less I acknowledge it as a feeling as something there. Even though it maybe nothing I still see it as there. I go blind when I look into his eyes and see them sparkle back. I go blind when I see his smile. I go blind when he makes me smile. I will miss him greatly but its a sacrifice I’m willing to make for a better life. Love isn’t everything in life like they make it out to be in tv and movies. Yes it can fuel you and get you by but it isn’t going to pay your bills unless your after the wrong kind of love. I however am not. I’ve never had a crush on a professor before. Its not against the rules seeing as how I’m not a student but its still strange. Usually I am on the same level, I have never fallen for someone so high above me. ahahah Tal Bacman. Anyone? Anyone? High above me? Anyway. There is no reason he should be with someone like me. He could perceivably do much better in the dating pool as far as finical stability and power goes. I won’t always be at the bottom of the totem pole. One day I’ll own the bitch. One day. Not today. Not tomorrow. But one day.
Don’t wait around. I had never played volleyball until today because I was scared I would suck at it. Well come to find out I don’t. I am actually quite good at it considering I had no idea what I was doing. Take risk, take chances, try new things, play the drums if you want dang it. No one is stopping you but you. Are you going blind in a bad way? Can you not see whats right in front of you? All the chances? Take a look in the mirror. What are you blind to? Who makes you go blind? Is it a good thing? or do they distract you from the ultimate mission? Think about this.
I’m at point in my life where I feel like no matter what I do its going to be wrong. To someone. Its going to hurt someone. What do you do in times like these? I wish I were wise enough to tell you. I totally would. I’m not sure anyone has figured out to do in the case of the catch 22. I always make a pros and cons sheet and whichever has the most I go with. This case is a little different. It could help me, it could hurt me. it could help and hurt me. Or it could do nothing. I’m at a loss. I wish I could speak openly but until the wind passes and I’m on the next chapter this one must remain a mystery. But hey I gotta keep you reading somehow.
The question is DO I know what I’m doing or is “impulsive I just want results Katie”. I get that way sometimes. I try to follow my gut I try to pray about things and follow what God wants in my life. Ive really tried to grasp hold of that lately. If God is for me who can be against me. I am for the people. I am out to help people. I listen to people when they don’t think I am. I hear and see things people don’t realize I’m seeing or hearing. I’m way more observant. Theres this HUGE funny AF joke at work about my staring and how I can stare a hole in your soul. What am I doing when I’m off staring? I’m observing. I’m looking and listening to everything around me. People give me way less credit than I’m due. All of that said I do know the risk but is it worth it. I have observed things in life I wish I hadn’t and thats okay but what do you do with that?
Dear God, Thank you for all the friends, angels and king snakes you’ve put in my life, thank you for all the people you’ve brought into my life that have guided me back to your wonderful undying love. The love I’ve needed so bad. Give me the wisdom and clarity to make a decision based on your love and you justice that you would want. Lord guide me in these hard times, guide all the people in my life that they may know what to do as well. Lord I am not perfect and I ask that you take these imperfections and clean them and make them beautiful in your eyes. Lord I love you above all else. I ask all these things in your name I pray. Amen
Bee like the flower. Wait. The answers will come. They won’t always be easy. I can promise you they won’t always be easy but you will get through it. I was a bit wrong in “The Five Hierarchies of love”. There are snakes and there have been snakes recently in my life that have stolen from me, panhandled me, taken advantage of my kindness. These things are all true but what I realized is there are people who were giving me tough love or distancing themselves from me for their own reasons and they are the best snakes. King Snakes. King Snakes kill the bad snakes. I am grateful for the KING SNAKES in my life without them I wouldn’t be alive. With that being said I’m not perfect and I acknowledge that and I have made mistakes and hurt people I love with words. And for that I am sorry but I have the right to express myself and grow in the way that I know how. Writing. Sharing. Helping people. Teaching. This may help someone else avoid my mistakes. That is my hope.
This is the king snake my father and nice and nephew released this morning. Irony for you. I released my king snake tonight.
Patience is a virtue I need to work on very badly in every aspect of my life. Patience is more than just waiting. Its being present in the here and now. Feeling Shakespeare next to me. Feeling the warm blanket on my skin. Smelling my diffuser. Tasting the salt water I am drinking going Keto. Grounding skills is the first step to patience. Breathing is the first step to patience. Look around be thankful for everything around you. All that you have. Not only will you gain humility but it will give you strength to have patience for whats to come.
When you basically have nothing to your name its easy to become meek. And I think thats why I’m learning to become more patient with people. I am human I have my moments. I lose my cool when people do things to me when I’ve done to them and think its okay but how can I be the one that judges them. HOW DARE I be the one that hurts like I’ve been hurt. Thats no way to act in any situation. NO MATTER what. It hurts my heart to the point of physical pain to know I’ve hurt people I care about. All because I wasn’t patient enough. We could all use a little more patience. Bee like the flower. Wait for the bee. He will come. Like Saint Faustian says patience always leads to victory. Always. I always say take it One Roe at a time. Part of that is because I sale LuLaRoe but there is a hidden reason behind that as well that many if not no one but me knows until now. One of my favorite quotes is “if there is now wind, row.” and I like to tie that in as well. The spelling still is tied to my business but I was thinking about that the whole time. Sometime you gotta be patient when you can’t row and let the stream guide you. It knows the way.
They say when girls go through a break up or major changes they always do something to their hair and I honestly can’t argue that. I can’t tell you one pivotal moment in my life where I didn’t do something somewhat drastic to my hair when something serious changed in my life. Tonight I discovered what Brittney Spears discovered back in 2000. It has nothing to do with making a statement to anyone else. IT has EVERTHING TO DO WITH TAKING YOUR POWER BACK!!!
This is my story and up until now I cared so deeply what everyone else thought and what everyone else thought but no. NOT ANYMORE. I have a VOICE. HA and if you know me I am really loud. I don’t mean to be but I am tone deaf so I don’t realize the pitch that I am at. Its little things people don’t know about me yet will be so quick to judge me over. They will not be friends with me over it. They will backstab me over it. I AM TAKING ALL THAT POWER BACK. So why the hell could I not wait until Thursday when a real hair dresser could cut my hair. Well heres the thing guys. It was more symbolic than anything. It was I with the scissors, it was I who was reclaiming my power.
I didn’t do half bad either. And this wasn’t the first time I have helped someone reclaim their power in this way. I have cut someones hair before and did a really good job. Of course they got it cleaned up but it didn’t look much different. It poses a question. Should I go to school for this? Its not something I really want to do but if I could help women reclaim that power then hell yea!!!
My life I’d like to be about helping people. If its smile, then smile, if its regain their power, then regain their power, if its sit in silence and pray with them, then so be it. I am at Gods mercy. I am following his will and his plan. I am to pray and discern for a year and if I still haven’t figured it out or met Prince Charming then it off to a convent for me. Which is fine with me. I would be okay serving God forever. Would you?
This isn’t the most catholic friendly song but I’m not a nun yet lol
There are Five hierarchy types of love in this world. They all have different importances in our lives and its important to know about these loves and have understanding of them. They are as follows and in no particular order; love of self, friendship love, romantic love, hard love, unconditional love, and tough love. I am going to talk to you about these five loves and there importance in ones life and how they have effected my life as of recently. My hope and prayer is that someone out there gains some wisdom or insight from this blog post. Eventually this will be a book but for now a blog will have to do. Shall we begin?
Okay so this one is tough, no pun intended for some people to swallow. Me included but it may possibly be the most important one. Without tough love we would not be able to grow as people in our maturity. Tough love is meant to help us. There is a BUT there are snakes among the sheep that try to give us tough love that although they appear to mean well, when you know someone is suicidal and you tell them you think suicide is okay in some cases, maybe not the best tough love. And now they have abandoned me. They also made some really bad decisions I stood by and was supportive over and even supported the advancement in work. But snakes are everywhere. Snakes bite, they hurt, their venom is meant to kill, will it kill me? I don’t have an answer for that. Its up for debate. Then there is tough love by your Angels. The people who love you enough to tell you the things you NEED to hear but don’t want to. LIKE you need to do the dishes, get up, we care. We love you. We want you around. Put them big girl panties on and do the damn thing. Heavens knows why or what was going through Kate Spades mind but I can tell you in any industry their are snakes EVERYWHERE. AND THEY HURT!!! I am on a line myself. Between being selfish or staying because of the second love I’m going to talk about.
As a tiny child I remember wearing a bubble gum shirt and dancing around my den of the house I grew up in, I was probably 5 years old. I was singing “I love the whole world, I love the whole world” over and over and over and over. Somehow, I don’t know how but I have managed to fit just about the whole world in my heart space and I’m only 28. I have an immense understanding of unconditional love. I even love the snakes that hurt us so bad it hurts to breathe. Even snakes need love. Unconditional love is loving someone when they don’t deserve it nor will it ever go away. Its mostly associated with family members but I have a heart as big as this world As big as the universe even. If I could sacrifice everything to make the world a better place I would. Alas I don’t think it works that way. Maybe one day when Jesus returns everything will be okay but until then try and love unconditionally when you can. Everyone deserves a chance. NO ONE deserves hate or abandonment. Which leads us right into.
You CANNOT survive without this love. This love keeps you grounded above all else. Knowing people care about you is so so important. I can’t even explain to you the love I have in my heart for this woman and this little girl. They are filled with so much of Gods joy and love to spread. I have been so bleed to have them in my life. Someone to pray with, someone to talk me logically when I’m being irrational, someone to hold me when the tears won’t stop and I can’t breathe. A little girl who cried because she thought it was the last time she would see me. That is LOVE. NOT someone trying to undermine you or point out every single flaw you have. NOT someone who kicks you when you’re already 12 feet under. All you need to do is cover me with the dirt. I understand you have to cut out toxic people. I am not toxic. I am sad. I am sick. I need love. I need friends. I have love to give and I may not be able to clean your house but I can make you laugh like Robin Williams would have. I have a good heart and I don’t deserve what I have been served in life. Life isn’t fair I know this but you would think as much LOVE as I have spread into this world some of it would make its way back to me. I have seen glimpses. That is it. Here is one.
Some people get to meet their soul mates. I did. I just didn’t survive the relationship. I bailed ship before the damn thing sank. I still consider myself lucky. He was a nerd like me, he was an introvert like me but still liked to go out every now and then. Like I said before when I was WELL he was a good man, when I got SICK, he went away. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANTIC LOVE. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF. THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. Its the heartbreak of losing it that can defeat you and nearly kill you. Knowing someone you love with everything will either see you turn to ash or become the greatest thing is terrifying. And its a lot of pressure to be honest. I know what he expects to happen. He thinks I’ll be a statistic. Will I?
I purposely saved the most important for last. If you don’t love yourself you can’t expect anyone else to love you at all. You just can’t. Thats the simple hard facts. You have to look in the mirror and accept who you are for all of your flaws your imperfections. Your adult acne, your pouch, the days when you don’t feel like shaving, you nervous ticks that maybe no one gets, your awkward ways of blurting things out. YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYTHANG! And honey I do. Thats not my issue. My issue is I beat myself up. I feel like I owe the world and everyone else this huge debt of myself and if I can’t live up to it, it eats away at me like some disease. I’m beyond a people pleaser. I LOVE people. I want them to know that. I’ll show it anyway I can. I feel like I fail because I get abandoned sooo sooo much. Honestly I think I will die of broken heart disease. My heart literally aches I’m in so much pain. In the 28 years of my life I’ve never been so sad. I literally have 6 people in my area (who are NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE. who I may see once a week, one or two of them if I’m lucky) that I truly feel appreciated and loved in some way. Thats not a lot. Most people have way more of a support system than I do. Most people live with a support system. I do not. I have me and thats it and honestly guys I don’t know if I’m enough.
Its a cruel world and reality sucks sometimes. I came home yesterday to my water being cut off. I have no one else to blame for that but myself but the odd thing was is that I NEEDED my water to be cut off. I needed that REALITY CHECK. Reality checks suck but they aren’t always a bad thing. I am learning as I go in life. I don’t have it all figured out nor do I claim to. The reason why my water being cut off is so huge is because it showed me how important my job is to me and how I really need to get my act together and reel in my emotions. Its hard because this is an extremely difficult time for me and the tears just flow sometimes. But there is a time and place for the tears and I have to learn to control when that happens. I used to know how. I lost that skill somewhere along the road to the “Waiting Place”.
Where do you go when you are 12 ft under and you are holding the shovel?
Well you try to find the good and slowly build yourself up from that. My job was graceful enough to give me the day off since I couldn’t shower and I start fresh hahah fresh next week. I am so excited. God has given me a second chance at life as well as my job being as amazing at is. Its the best company to work for and I would recommend anyone to work there. You HAVE GOT to find the good when you are 12ft under. YOU JUST DO. Or you will be buried alive. I am so lucky to have friends and a sister who would rather have a sister alive with a roof over her head than not. I am lucky for the fiends and followers I have. I am lucky for my strength. I am lucky for my God. I am lucky for energy. And lastly but most import I am so lucky I have myself. I am so strong and amazing. I am a creative writer with so much to offer the world. My life is just beginning. Not ending.
I have a tendency to live in the past just as much as I do day dreaming about the future. Packing last night I ran into a letter to the ex written February of 2017. I would love to share it but it shares intimate details I shouldn’t share publicly. There was an issue that he may not even remember that I was really upset about him not taking my side on and apparently thats one of the main reasons I left. I just wanted someone on my side. Its okay to look back but staying there will only make you old and frail. I feel like I’m 100. I’m just now starting again to live in the present. I used to but then I got sick. And stuck in places I didn’t want to be.
I was stuck in the waiting place for sooo long. Waiting for anything something. I wasn’t doing anything proactive on my behalf. I was just waiting for something to happen that never did. Don’t be like me. Don’t waste your time waiting away. Do something. Be brave. Take the girl out! Ask the guy for coffee! Go rafting by yourself. Go for a hike alone even though it may sound scary. Don’t wait around for something to happen because I hate to be the bearer of bad news but its not going to. You will be stuck in the past forever and never fully appreciate the present moment. We are never promised tomorrow.
I often wonder if people have any idea whats on my mind when I stare off into oblivion. Its the curse of having BPD. Having a personality disorder is soooo different than having any other disease. I wish people understood that. I was told today by someone I highly respect that I don’t need to use my disease as an excuse and I need to take responsibly for my actions. Here is where I have an issue with this. I admit I could do better. I admit my faults, I admit I am trying my hardest. My DISEASE is PART of my PERSONALITY. There are some things that I couldn’t help even if I wanted to. They can be good aspects about me but they can also be really bad. For more info on borderline please click on This Link. It has a lot of great info. I try to take responsibility in my relationships but again I’m not perfect.
Alas but we must get back to it. I have less than 30 days to pack, finish my taxes, make loads of money (yea right lol), get my cars registration renewed, and finally find a job in Columbus MS. Life is happening. And its happing now. Not in the past or the future but NOW. It may be cheesy but its true lol Life is happening NOW!!! lololol
With all that being said, I will make it to the other side of all this its a matter of how bad is it going to hurt? How many scars will I have? How broke will my heart be? Only time will tell.
There once was a girl named Kathleen who lived in world where she thought she could somehow make everything wrong in the world right but somewhere along the way her heart got so broken that she forgot what it was like to make something right much less herself. So she had to fix herself. Once she was fixed she could start her mission of fixing the wrong of the world. Slowly but surly she got strong enough to start to fix the wrongs. The logician was now in charge of the magician.
Annnnnywaay now that that song is over. Irony. All of this is Irony. My karaoke song. See me singing it by clicking this hilarious URL lol Ironic by Katie Scheel I clearly can’t sing but thats the irony or karaoke is you’re not supposed to be good at it. you’re supposed to have fun. Life is a journey. Everyone we meet either is put there to love us forever and be a forever person or to teach us something about ourselves. Its up you to determine what thats going to be and with who. YOU determine who you let in your heart and who you reveal your secrets to. Its YOU who decides who comes with your soul when you leave somewhere or when it comes to making friends or relationships in general. I missed out on learning the most intimate thing about the person I spent almost 5 years with. Who HE REALLY was and Ya know what he missed out and see ME too. And its a shame. I’m on my journey to becoming a school counselor and he’s on his journey. We missed our chance. I’m over him. I’m not over what I missed out on. NOT him lol don’t get me confused. The chance to bond with someone on that level. In todays society though thats soooo sooo sooo common for a couple to not even know each other. I’m sooo glad he never asked me to marry him. I’m so glad I left. I’m glad for BOTH our sake. Maybe another time or something but he had no idea who I was and vise versa. Thats not love..thats not a love God would want. I do want a Godly love. I do have my temptations and my sins and I’ll confess that but ultimately I would like to end up with someone who wants to raise kids in a Godly manner. Thats just me. Anyway its getting late so with that being said.
Was it me?
Was it you?
Was it the words you said or HOW you said them?
I talk a lot of crap lets be honest, about my ex. He said things when he shouldn’t have and I have no idea if he’s sorry for that or not. He won’t talk to me anymore. I should let it go but I can’t. Its this tether I can’t release myself from. I’m scared of what will happen if I do. I shy away from guys that would actually want anything real. I run into the arms of anything thats temporary. I know these things about me. I know I’m not alone. I feel the love of those that I’m with for others. It hurts but I know I’m not alone. My parents discourage my writing and my blog but for me everyone needs to know they aren’t alone. Everyone has these issues. EVERYONE.
My sweet Toothlees is watching as I write this. This cat was “our” cat. We got him together. He picked him out. He is all I have left aside from a box and memories and a pendant my mom bought from me to help pay bills. I cry everyday if not out loud inside because I miss him so much. My bones ache to see his smile. To see his crystal blue eyes. To hear him say “I love you…..sometimes”. I would trade a thousand wishes just to speak to him again. I think my Toothless knows I’m sad. He’s laying on my Sacral chakra. Now he’s loving on my hands as I type this. Cats can sense things. So can I. I read people very well.
I love my Job and I don’t want to leave, I love my doctors and I don’t want to leave. I have a support system here but I woke up to zero account and .39 to my name and realized my checkbook was stolen and fraudulent check was written and an auto draft I didn’t authorize was charged. All that being said I probably won’t have rent for June soooo yea moving may happen for me.
I just don’t want to disappoint the people who wanted to see me make it here.