I hate leaving. I hate saying goodbye. I try to be funny and silly but y’all I am bawling my eyes out the entire ride to wherever it is that I’m going. I don’t do so well before saying goodbye either. You know the saying or the saying that its easier to push people away then it is to say goodbye. Yea, well, I do that. I think, well, I know I did that. Have done that recently and maybe even tonight. I can’t help that I don’t do well with goodbyes and that subconsciously I will come up with reasons to make people NOT want to see me. NOT want to say goodbye. What sense does that make? None. I never said I made sense. I do not come with a disclaimer. I must warn you of that.
If I did life would probably be much easier for me, people would know what to expect. I have to learn the hard way. I have to experience things for myself. Thats the way I learn, is by experience, so therefore if you enable me I don’t learn anything. I get worse. I get sicker. I am fixing all of that. I have hit rock bottom. I am selling everything so I can pay debts back. I will ride a bike. I do not care. I hope it has a pretty little basket. With a little bell too! Through all my pain I’m trying to think positive I just have to figure out how I’m going to get the title to my car and how I’m going to sell it in two weeks. Thats the issue. I know it can be done but HOW. HOW. I HAVEN’T had a migraine in 5 months and I have one right now thinking about how I’m going to move in less than two weeks. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t afford a taco much less a moving truck. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I try so hard to support my friends and I get over whelmed and I’ll admit I do like pretty things but I get caught up in the madness that is life. That is trying to do the right thing. Trying to help. I forget about ME! And here I am leaving so I can be alone with ME dang it. I need some alone time. I’ll miss every soul that has touched my life here which is so so so so so many people but I am so happy to be leaving. Just not real sure how its going to happen at this point. I’m also deciding to quit taking valium all together. I thinks thats also why I feel like poop. With drawls are no fun. I hope all my rivers here have bridges and if they be crushes may they be able to be mended through the work of the powerful and mighty beaver over time. Leaving sucks. It just does. But coming home is exciting. Lets just hope I can make it!
Do you know what its like to go blind over someone? Have you ever listened to the words of this song? I know what its like. I have experienced a love that wasn’t planned or wanted or expected. And I still don’t understand it. I don’t question what life puts in front of me. I just greet it with a smile, sometimes with a confused look. None the less I acknowledge it as a feeling as something there. Even though it maybe nothing I still see it as there. I go blind when I look into his eyes and see them sparkle back. I go blind when I see his smile. I go blind when he makes me smile. I will miss him greatly but its a sacrifice I’m willing to make for a better life. Love isn’t everything in life like they make it out to be in tv and movies. Yes it can fuel you and get you by but it isn’t going to pay your bills unless your after the wrong kind of love. I however am not. I’ve never had a crush on a professor before. Its not against the rules seeing as how I’m not a student but its still strange. Usually I am on the same level, I have never fallen for someone so high above me. ahahah Tal Bacman. Anyone? Anyone? High above me? Anyway. There is no reason he should be with someone like me. He could perceivably do much better in the dating pool as far as finical stability and power goes. I won’t always be at the bottom of the totem pole. One day I’ll own the bitch. One day. Not today. Not tomorrow. But one day.
Don’t wait around. I had never played volleyball until today because I was scared I would suck at it. Well come to find out I don’t. I am actually quite good at it considering I had no idea what I was doing. Take risk, take chances, try new things, play the drums if you want dang it. No one is stopping you but you. Are you going blind in a bad way? Can you not see whats right in front of you? All the chances? Take a look in the mirror. What are you blind to? Who makes you go blind? Is it a good thing? or do they distract you from the ultimate mission? Think about this.
What is confidentiality? What is privacy? What is heard and not heard? I have recently had two instances on one social media and one on pandora where an advertisement targeted something I had just TALKED about. Not a single thing I had posted about or anything. Pretty freaky huh. And two weeks before it was decided that I moved to Columbus MS there was this State Farm commercial for Columbus that kept coming on my pandora. Do we really read what we click yes to?
I found this out this the hard way. Everything you disclose what you know to becomes part of your story. And like it or not you have to live with that. There are some things in this world that we cannot take back no matter how much we want to. Brian I am so sorry. Peter is sorry. Peter was being Peter. There is always two sides to every story. Always. If not life would be very one sided and boring. If I had a choice we would go back to the old days, before technology took over. Before blogs…before..SOCIAL MEDIA. WHERE THERE WERE BIKE CLUBS. LIKE REAL BIKES. No joke you guys. I HATE this crap. BUT its where my business is at. So I might as well blog too. The song of the day is for Brian. Short but sweet and to the point.
This sweet innocent little girl. Who is she at 28? Well right now she is at a turning point. Things are shifting. In a good way. Yes I am talking about myself in the third person. Oh well. I am growing. I am changing. I have been a seed planted and blooming and planting this HUGE roots so I can grow into this GIANT tree. My hope in life is to touch a life. To make a difference. To help someone. To change something. To help the world in some way. I am a writer, a fashion designer as far as outfits and styling goes, and apparently an aspiring hair dresser. I love all I meet and try to express that. It always freaks people out. I love with all of my heart. I get sad sometimes. And its not just for me, its for the world. I honestly get sad for the world sometimes and just sob. I am an emotional being. I love that being with professor Lupin has taught me to be more logical in my thinking and not so emotional. I have had so many support system members along the way teach me that. I WILL always cry over the sadness I feel for the world though. I can’t help it.
I like to be outside all of the time unless the weather is to the point where I can’t stand it. I love being active if I can. I do have medical disabilities. Camping is one of my favorite things and hiking!!! Just laying a blanket in the grass and looking up at the clouds as they pass by is just amazing for me. I am an artist. I have a very vivid imagination. I love RPG games. Video games are awesome too!! I can play shooter games pretty well! I’m such a nerd. I even know WOW and LOL. I listen to records when I can and pandora and Spotify. Life without music is no life at all. I should not be alive on several different accounts but here I am so I suppose you could say I have some Devine purpose here. I have no idea what though. Often times I want to give up but I know that God has SOMETHING planned for me. If it takes selling all my stuff and starting all over then I will. I don’t care. I’ll do it. I’ve done it before. I’ve started from nothing. What would be the difference? Symbolically I’m being reborn. This is my Saturn returns! This is my major shift. This is who Kathleen is becoming. Who I am becoming. These changes happening right now will define who I am years to come. I will chose right over wrong always. I have always had a strong moral compass. I get very bad anxiety over it. I was raised very strictly. I hate getting in trouble. So I try to follow the rules and do what is right so I don’t get in trouble and when I do get in trouble it always triggers an anxiety attack. Theres a fact many of you probably didn’t know about me. I have gotten in trouble so much lately I have trouble going to the bathroom in certain places. It has become ridiculous. I have even developed a double UTI. I AM SO TIRED of my anxiety getting in the way of my success. I know I could rock the hell out of things. We all have our flaws I just feel like mine puts a target on my back. Anxious people ALWAYS stick out. We can’t help it. Things are changing though like I said. I am no longer letting these things effect me. I am moving past the excuses, past the anxiety and focusing on me and MY DREAMS. To write a novel, have a successful career somewhere, go back to school for cosmetology and maybe fall in love or become a nun. Either works for me. I’ll end with a prayer and a song.
I Come to you with a sinful heart but a heart full of love. Lord forgive me for the pain I have caused others in recent months, weeks, or even years. Lord I ask that you keep all my friends safe and protected in your warm embrace. You are the way the truth and the light. Lord let us not forget it was you who sent your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins so that we may be forgiven. Lord I ask for forgiveness and peace. I ask this and all unspoken prayers in your name.
Jesus said to his disciples:
“You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil.
When someone strikes you on your right cheek,
turn the other one to him as well.
If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic,
hand him your cloak as well.
Should anyone press you into service for one mile,
go with him for two miles.
Give to the one who asks of you,
and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.”
In todays Gospel for the Catholic Church it teaches us not to hold grudges or do things out of revenge basically. If someone needs something you give it to them no matter what. If someone steals from you, LET them. IF someone hurts you LET them. DON’T take action, that is for God to do. Not you. Recently I tried to take something into my own hands and I’m paying for it now with feelings of immense guilt and self blame. Was I right about a few things, well everything, YES. BUT that doesn’t give me power to take things into my own hands. That is up for God to decide. I have since decided it best that maybe I take myself out of the situation all together. It will cause me much sacrifice but if it saves just one person it won’t be in vain. Not one bit.
I have felt such a sickening guilt all day, ever since reading the gospel I have been saying Hail Marys, our fathers, regular prayers and the sorrowful sins prayer ALL day. I am sick to my stomach at the though of ruining someones life. Or being the cause of anyones discomfort or set back. Thats never my intention. I have whats called “word vomit”. I don’t mean to it just happens. I have made such grave mistakes but I’m growing and learning and I hope that everything works out the way God wants it to. I have been praying and doing what he is telling me to do. This is all I know.
You have got to be your own boss. You cannot rely on anyone else but you. I have become so dependent on my support system that it is a GOOD thing that I am leaving them. I will get to grow on my own. I will no longer have them. I will be completely on my own. Granted I’ll be in a town I know and I do know people there but as far as a rock support system I have none. I don’t even have a Dr there yet or a therapist. Its a very scary thought but I know I can make it. I have FAITH and BELIEF in myself. You see the last four words in belief IF you jumble them them make LIFE. Life comes from belief. You have got to believe in yourself.
If you don’t make your life your own someone else will make it theirs. I have been there. I was changing to be someone I wasn’t to be with someone for five years and whats crazy is the person he fell in love was the REAL me. So if I hadn’t been obsessed with changing into what I THOUGHT he wanted me to be perhaps things would be different but honestly I wouldn’t change a thing. I have learned sooo sooo sooo much over my grief. I have grown into such a beautiful loving woman because of all the loss I have been through. You can only become the person I am today without having gone through the pain that I have. If life didn’t have highs and lows we would all be on this flat line and then we wouldn’t really be living. I’m getting off subject which if you haven’t noticed I do a lot. What I want to say to you is that you need to take responsibility for YOU and YOUR dreams and YOUR passions and most importantly YOUR life. After all it is YOURS. BE YOUR OWN BOSS!!!!
I had to post this. The title of this blog is the name of a book about BPD. I can’t tell you how terrible it is having this disorder. I feel abandoned all the time. Sometimes for legit reasons sometimes for reasons that mean nothing. One day on this blog I got over 70 views. Now I barely get 20. Please share this. Share my story. Help someone. Someone can benefit from what I talk about I just know it. I don’t know who but someone will.
You see I am not BEING abandoned necessarily but I am ABANDONING people I care about. I am leaving people that care immensely about me and that I care immensely about. And it hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever get married now. I may be wrong but in the sense of the word I don’t think it will happen. I’ll never have a pretty white dress, I’ll never walk down any isle, and thats fine with me. I’m OKAY with that. Really I am. I’VE EVEN LOVED SOMEONE ENOUGH TO CONSIDER THE THOUGHT OF REHOMING MY CATS AT SOME POINT. LOVE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. Love in the sense of things can work if two people are willing to work at it and give and take. Is there chemistry? Do they make you happy? Do they fit your spiritual needs? Are they on your maturity level? OR are they on the way there. I am not in the place or time for a relationship and I know that and I’m okay with that. I still have growing to do. Thats why I’m moving to the very first place I was on my own. I made myself then and I can make myself now. I know I can. Professor Lupin has given plenty of tools and even has taught me how to produce a very very nice protonus charm. Also the beauty of chocolate which in our world is records. He has been so amazing and such a blessing and I hope he shows up in chapters to come in my life but shall he not I will always come to back to this one and look back with fondness.
We all know I feel too much. We all know that. Well one reason I feel abandoned is my followers on this blog have drastically dropped. My views and likes. But ya know what at least someone SOMEONE cares enough to take the time to read this and follow my story and my growth. I accomplished something great today. I did something by myself that I really didn’t want to do and was talked into the courage by professor Lupin himself. I asked him to go with me and I don’t think its that he didn’t want to I think he wanted me to overcome a fear which I did with grace and poise and there was even a frog involved lol. I should have snapped a photo.. maybe next time.
For those of you that read this and follow me I hope it touches your soul like it touches mine to write it. I have love for the whole world so know that I have love for you too even though I may not know you. My heart is with you.
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” – Dory
Grief has seven major stages that we all must go through to heal properly. I’ll list them so that we are all on the same page.
Shock and Denial
Pain and Guilt
Anger and Barging
Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
Reconstruction and working through it
Acceptance and hope
I am stuck somewhere between upward turn and refection. Losing DPL hurt really bad. I am also grieving now leaving a home I made in FL. I am leaving a lot of people that care about me deeply. I saw a little cry because she thought it was the last time she was going to see me. Do you know how bad that hurt my heart. IT WAS SO PAINFUL. I hate that my moving is causing so much pain. I hate to leave my life I have made here but I feel its time for a new and better chapter in my life. Life is coming full circle for a lot of people I know. My friend Tara is moving back home to Kansas with her kids whom I will miss sooo much as well as her. I used to watch them at my daycare. OH did you know I used to run a daycare. Ha what is there I haven’t tried. I’ve also DJ’d too. Man I do scream adventure.
Grief can be good which is why this is titled “Good Grief”. Things happen for a reason. Everything you or I do happens for a reason. We don’t know it but the grief we feel is so the next love we feel is that much more precious. Once you have lost something you will never take that thing for granted again. I can attest to that. I don’t take having running water for granted anymore I can tell you that for sure. Nor love. Or the opportunity TO LOVE. Does it REALLY MATTER if we’re loved back? The point of life is to experience pain and joy. In joy lies love. Why not spread it? Whats so wrong with that. I literally get made fun of at work for saying the “L” word. But I don’t care. Thats who I am and they can get over it I love them anyway. Love isn’t always fair either. Love can be brutally honest. DPL may have been a little too brutally honest in the hurtful tones he said and the words he said but maybe if I look deeper maybe his love for me was frustrating him to the point of taking it out on me. Who knows. I can’t overanalyze it because to be honest it doesn’t matter. What does matter is to spread love. And to love honestly, hard, and without reason.
I don’t deserve your love. I deserve more grief than I do love but you have blessed me with so many times of joy that Im so grateful for. Thank you for sending your only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins and so that I may be able to forgive through my grieving process and so that I may be able to love fully and honestly and without reason. Lord God I pray for all my pregnant friends that they may have healthy babies and healthy pregnancies. I know I am not worthy for an answer to this prayer but please if you hear me know that I love you and I try to love the whole world and try to do what you would do. In your name I pray this and all things unspoken in my hurting heart.
Bee like the flower. Wait. The answers will come. They won’t always be easy. I can promise you they won’t always be easy but you will get through it. I was a bit wrong in “The Five Hierarchies of love”. There are snakes and there have been snakes recently in my life that have stolen from me, panhandled me, taken advantage of my kindness. These things are all true but what I realized is there are people who were giving me tough love or distancing themselves from me for their own reasons and they are the best snakes. King Snakes. King Snakes kill the bad snakes. I am grateful for the KING SNAKES in my life without them I wouldn’t be alive. With that being said I’m not perfect and I acknowledge that and I have made mistakes and hurt people I love with words. And for that I am sorry but I have the right to express myself and grow in the way that I know how. Writing. Sharing. Helping people. Teaching. This may help someone else avoid my mistakes. That is my hope.
This is the king snake my father and nice and nephew released this morning. Irony for you. I released my king snake tonight.
Patience is a virtue I need to work on very badly in every aspect of my life. Patience is more than just waiting. Its being present in the here and now. Feeling Shakespeare next to me. Feeling the warm blanket on my skin. Smelling my diffuser. Tasting the salt water I am drinking going Keto. Grounding skills is the first step to patience. Breathing is the first step to patience. Look around be thankful for everything around you. All that you have. Not only will you gain humility but it will give you strength to have patience for whats to come.
When you basically have nothing to your name its easy to become meek. And I think thats why I’m learning to become more patient with people. I am human I have my moments. I lose my cool when people do things to me when I’ve done to them and think its okay but how can I be the one that judges them. HOW DARE I be the one that hurts like I’ve been hurt. Thats no way to act in any situation. NO MATTER what. It hurts my heart to the point of physical pain to know I’ve hurt people I care about. All because I wasn’t patient enough. We could all use a little more patience. Bee like the flower. Wait for the bee. He will come. Like Saint Faustian says patience always leads to victory. Always. I always say take it One Roe at a time. Part of that is because I sale LuLaRoe but there is a hidden reason behind that as well that many if not no one but me knows until now. One of my favorite quotes is “if there is now wind, row.” and I like to tie that in as well. The spelling still is tied to my business but I was thinking about that the whole time. Sometime you gotta be patient when you can’t row and let the stream guide you. It knows the way.
Owning up to your flaws and your mistakes and taking them as your own and not assigning blame to someone else is hard. Its hard to admit your wrong. I feel like all I am is wrong. I think growing up in house where there was very little praise I got accustomed to always beating myself up about my failures. I don’t know how to take a compliment. I don’t know what its like not to beat myself up about my failures and mistakes but just because you beat yourself up doesn’t mean you are owning it. Owning it means you fix it. I can’t fix things until people tell me what it is that I”m doing right and some people don’t understand that. Its hard but thats how I work. When you can’t have someone else well you have yourself. I have got to find my positive qualities. I have a ton. I can make people laugh. I can do that. I’m great at that.
Owning up is hard, hard, hard. OWNING UP IS HALF THE BATTLE. OWNING UP MEANS LOVING YOURSELF MORE. You beat yourself up less. You start to fix the mistakes people don’t like or you decide to cut them out. If they can’t accept the flaws that are yours and will always be yours then they don’t deserve you. When I was in the hospital 3 years ago we had to make this silly flowers in art therapy and on the petals we had to write things about everyone that was nice and give them to each other to make the flower. Well no one really liked me so I didn’t get many petals but one of the techs gave me a petal that said she like about me that I was “unapologetically me”, which is oh so true. I am who I am and I am sorry I am not perfect. I made a flower and its beautiful and maybe I’ll share it with you one day. The people that MATTERED had nice things to say and my flower may not be full of petals but its pretty enough. OWN UP. Not just to the people around you but to yourself. OWN UP TO YOUR GOOD TOO. You do have it.