I unpacked all these in one day. I can’t stand a mess and disorganization. It literally drives me batty. Moving in a complete process. Its finding a job, its settling in. Its finding yourself again. In a whole new place. I am sitting at a bar my best friend works at to get wifi just to write this and to apply to jobs. I am at a loss at what to do. I have tried so much and done so much today I am exhausted. Being up at 5am everyday wears on a person. I try though and I’m still going to keep trying. I’m not going to let this depression and my BPD win. I won’t and I can’t. Too many people have put too much time and money into my well being and to help me get a fresh start just to sit and rot away. Like I’d really like to do but I know thats not Gods plan for me. Its the depression telling me that.
A wise friend once said “The greatest thing about life is everyone has their own book. Some are sweet and everlasting, some are horrifying and weird, some are sad and short, but it is YOUR book. And no one in the whole universe can copy or steal your book” – Henderson Cunningham.
This statement is so true. I hope my book is long and filled with lots of highs and few but very informative lows. No one knows what its like to be me and I don’t know what its like to be anyone else. I don’t want to know. I pray for everyone. I hope everyone succeeds in their own way. I never wish ill on anyone. I have made mistakes and I can’t take them back but I can live my life now and and want to repent and ask for forgiveness. My book is bitter sweet right now. And I’m okay with that. My sister has blessed me with a roof and I can’t be anymore grateful. My brother came and helped me move and I can’t ever repay him and my mom, don’t get me started. She is my rock. Well God is my rock but my mom comes second. I would love to write more and update more but its hot and I can’t stay long. I will have internet this weekend I hope and plan to write more. Please look forward to hearing me soon.
As I look around my house and see boxes and crap everywhere I wonder how it is that I got here. I JUST moved here. I’m not supposed to moving yet. This was supposed to be my new start, instead it became the end of my time here in Florida. Never in a million, trillion, thoughts did it ever occur to me that I would be moving back to Mississippi. Ever much less this soon. I feel like not making it here is letting so many people down, most importantly myself. I couldn’t make it. Its as simple as that.
I went for a walk early this morning trying to use one of my DBT skills and I noticed there was a park right by my house. I had never known for nearly 6 months there was a park right by my house with a walking track and everything. HOW much of a recluse I had become. I used to go out and explore. I used to be adventurous. I used to explore. What the hell happened? I have no idea. I’m trying to find that girl buried under all the hurt and pain. She’s in there somewhere.
When I wake up Monday morning my whole life will be completely different. I’ll be somewhere completely different. If you had asked me three months ago if this is where I would be I would have said “uh you have got to be kidding me”. This was never my plan. This wasn’t even plan “B”. This wan’t even a plan until it HAD to be one.
That is a picture of the front of the house I’m going to be living in on Monday?
Am I ready? Hell no
Am I excited? Yes
Am I scared? Hell yes
Is it time to go? I think so
Will it be good? Yes it will be
Lets see what chapter Columbus holds. I will be off till I can get to a coffee shop or somewhere with Wi-fi to work on the blog. I will think of you all. All over the world who follow me. I thank you. You push me to fight another day! Chapter Four will be revealed in Columbus as well for “A beggar, A prostitute, and A writer” So watch out of that coming soon!!
Yesterday I was going to do my bible study and I flipped open my bible to wherever it wanted to go and what do you know it landed on Daniel and the Lions Den. I nearly broke down to my knees because I knew this was a story I needed to hear and actually read and understand in the Bible. Daniel not only prayed for himself but he prayed for his king who sent him into the den of lions in the first place. We are not only to pray to God when we are in hard times but we are to pray to God for those who may have put us there for they may not have wanted to or may not have had a choice. Its so easy to forget these things. Its so easy to get caught up praying for our own needs that we forgot those of the ones who may have wronged us. David also teaches us how to be a minister in a secular world. How he refuses to giveaway of the law. I am sitting here worried about a title and worried about being illegal in another state and not being able to register my ID or my living or anything or get a job when my trust should be in the LORD and I should be praying for my ex’s safety as he fights a war not be cruel and try to do my best to get this dang title in my name.
I come graciously before you asking for your forgiveness in my sins. I ask that you absolve this from my heart. I ask that you protect all the soldiers out there protecting our country right now. Especially the one that lives so dear in my heart. Please protect them on their missions. Please keep them safe in your embrace. I am confident you will protect me in my ventures. I believe, confess, and pray this in your name, our Lord, Jesus Christ.
I have sinned so greatly. I cannot go to confession and I am heartbroken. May the story of Daniel and the Lions Den help you to come to terms with how gracious of a God we have.
Charolette didn’t mean to chain smoke but when she was in a writing fit she did without even knowing. Half a pack down with the day not even done. Her life had been a complicated mess lately and the Drs had ordered her to wait to quit but she was ready to be done with this habit. It ruled her life. She hated that. So did Sam. Thats not what bothered her. Most of society hated that, thats what she hated. All she ever wanted was to be accepted but she always stood out like a bright yellow crayon in a black and white painting. Some people cannot help but to stand out from the crowd. This was Charlotte. She glowed when she walked into a room, her smile could melt a snowman. This was just who she was. She also had a passive aggressive side. Her face showed when she was upset about something. But her telling you was one thing. It was like pulling teeth. Hitting rock bottom was something she had never thought she would be at. She honestly never thought she would live to see rock bottom but alas she had made it long enough to hit rock bottom. And here it was. Staring her blatantly in the face. She had NO money, tons of debt, NOTHING TO her name but a house that was not in her name completely. It was complicated. She would probably lose the house or spend a lot of stress over it. For now it was as good as not having it to her name. Her job was soon to be gone. NY may not be the place for her she was quickly realizing. But where would she go.
She sat outside her balcony glaring over the skyline for one of the last time she presumed. When who could it be? But Sam I am. He came up to Charlotte and grabbed her neck and pushed it up as he kissed her passionately. It had been two weeks since they had seen each other. Life on Wall Street got busy at times. Charolette was expecting him so she had set candles and some appetizers and wine out for them. They chatted, drinking wine, watching the sunset fall over the NY sky line. It was the perfect evening. Sam carried the dishes in and Charlotte grabbed the sheet. After sam put the dishes away he carried Charolette to the bedroom where he threw her on the bed and unbuttoned her shirt one button at time. Kissing her neck as he went. Charlotte lay at the ceiling wondering when she should tell Sam she was leaving. She would probably wait till the last minute. He quickly thrust her hands up by her head. Holding them there where she couldn’t move. He slowly moved down taking her pants off with his mouth. She had never had such a kind man show so much control over her. He slipped inside of her like a perfect fit. He finally released his her hands only so that he could please her. When she was ready to finally climax he wrapped his hands tight around her neck in just the right way. Charlotte was in a trance of pleasure. Neurons firing in every direction in her brain. Pleasure going to every inch of her body. Afterwards she kissed Sam passionately and just lay there smiling. She had never met someone she clicked with on so many levels. Mental, Physical, intelligence, and more then likely religious. The problem was neither one of them was ready for nothing more than a casual relationship. At thirty its hard. Charlotte said her nightly prayer, rolled over and cut her sound machine on. Sam was actually staying the night this time.
I have seen things I cannot unsee. I have second hand partaken in things I wish I could say I didn’t. All I was trying to do was help. Thats all I ever want to do is to help. My second day on the street was my last. OR so I thought. IT was the last day I would be out there begging although I did go back tonight to help and bring bags a friend helped me put together. Thats when I saw things I wish I could unsee. We will get to that. But first let me to you about Jason. Jason was this sweet boy, well guy. Probably my age. Who is homeless and lives on the streets. He has nothing. He has only himself. I took a liking to him on my first day. He walked by me and read my sign and said “yup, thats what I’m always saying”. So on my second day I figured I would see if he wanted to sit with me. Maybe a couple would make more money? And we could split it evenly? He agreed and we went down to the Sanger Theater. I got to know Jason. I got to know how sweet a soul he has. We had been in the heat for over an hour and I hadn’t eaten all day and I could only imagine. I had a few bucks on my LLR card and knew they had half off pizza at a downtown pizza place so I asked if he had eaten today…he didn’t say anything. He just up and left. He came back with subway and gave it to me. I asked where he got it he said “money”. Its true, the homeless take care of each other. I wish I hadn’t gotten the news I got tonight. Anyway that was just the beginning of Jason and mines adventure that night. We saw an Eagle Scout and I was able to say I was a Gold Award Recipient. Not sure how good that looks but I said it. It doesn’t matter what you do in your youth you can still make mistakes as an adult that can lead you to begging on the street and I hope his mother had a long talk with him and I wish I could have shared my story with him. I wish I had had the courage then instead of now. To tell him the mistakes I made and what not to do. Maybe thats what my book will be. A guide of what NOT to do. Seems fitting. I know everything that DOESN’T work. Jason and I also met a future congress man Phil Ehr. With whom I got to express my deep concern for the mentally ill and the homeless. He squatted down and got to our level and LISTENED TO US!!! How inspiring. I will definitely vote for him. NOT because of his party, not because of his opinions on anything but because of his compassion and the fact that he looked at me and treated me like a real person who had a real vote and a real opinion that mattered. Thats why. I hope one day he is our president and I get to look back on the time I met our president. With my friend Jason. Who will live forever in my heart. I may never get to say goodbye to him. I went back downtown after I left that night. Jason and I made out with $6 a piece. Which is good for 3 hours I suppose. Anyway I brought Jason a comforter I wasn’t using so that he wouldn’t be sleeping on cement. Well tonight when I went to deliver the bags my friend and I made up “Little momma” said he went to jail and they took his comforter. I blessed him with Rose oil that night in the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit. I don’t know if I did it right. If I did then may be jail saved him. He had a roof and three square meals a day. But I wouldn’t wish jail on anyone and they took the blanket I gave him. I hope they give it back or put it with his things. He is a real person. Those are his things. They may not be much but those are his! My heart hurts for selfish reasons. I wanted to see him one more time. I wanted to say goodbye. Knowing he is safe makes me feel good though. But I hurt. I hurt for what I saw tonight. I saw a lady do heroine. My high school sweet heart died of a heroine overdose. I told her that. I told her not to do too much. She told me not to give people any more money. I said “yes ma’am”. Knowing I had just contributed to the heroine she was smoking. Did I give her a lot of money? HELL NO. I don’t have much to give. She was making a point to a sweet naive little girl. The world is cruel. The world is sad. The world is broken. And my heart alone is not big enough to fix it. I have come to realize this and it breaks my heart even more. I can’t take anymore emotions tonight. I just wanted to deliver bags to the homeless. Not learn life lessons and have old wounds brought up and find out that a good friend will never know the impact he made on my life. Y’all take it one roe at a time. I’m off to bed for now.
Sam came into his east hill apartment around 12:30am. He always felt terrible not staying the night at charlottes. But alas he was allergic to her cats. He threw his Iron and Wine record on and tossed his hand stitched brief case to the side. He was just as over today as Charolette was. Life on Wall Street wasn’t always what it was cracked up to be. It took a lot of work. Before he became a broker, Sam was a world traveling chef. He used to travel the world writing blogs about the different cultures and foods he encountered. What with that not making the rent and with his parents split he needed to do something else. He needed to grow up so to speak. Get a REAL job. Stop “playing” around as everyone called it. Charlotte always called it “art” and said he should always follow his dreams. Thats one of the things he loved so much about her. There was so much naivety to her. Like she had seen so much hurt and pain of the world that instead of it making her bitter and hostile it made her more of a lover. Sam however was not a lover by any means. Nor was he cold. He just didn’t show much emotion. Which wasn’t to say he didn’t have any.
Miles away across town Charlotte lay in her bed wishing she didn’t have cats listening to her own created station on pandora. It sucked sleeping alone in such a big big city. “I can’t wait to get back to the country”, Charlotte sighed out loud to any of her cats that would listen. If she did in fact lose her job she will have lost everything. She basically lived pay check to pay check anyway so this was going to hit hard. She knew would have to move back home. It was her only option. But how. How would this even be feasible? She didn’t even have money for a truck. Before she knew it she was dozing off at her laptop while trying to finish one more article to try and save her job. Would it work? She hoped it would. She loved her job. She was good at it. It was the first actual writing job she had ever gotten and she didn’t want to lose it now. There wasn’t many people at the “Daily Harold” that actually LIKED Charolette. She was sort of on the different side. She used the “L” word which scared people like they were cock roaches running from fire. All this weighed on Charlotte as she laid in bed staring up at the ceiling. She couldn’t even find a man who could stand to stay the night with her.
There once was a girl who never in her life thought she would be coupled into all three categories but somehow she was. This is the story of how this all came to be.
So there she was just a tapping, tapping at her computer as Eric Clapton played in the background on her record player. She had to get this article in before her boss went a wall. This was the second time she was late for her article and it was all because she had been sick the past few months. Luckily she had been able to keep her job because she was such a great writer. Her long blonde hair fell carelessly over her face as she brushed it aside to hit the send button. Before she knew it her cat Hemingway had jumped on her computer and hit delete. She knew this was the last straw. She knew her job was done for. She literally had $300 in the bank and a pile of unopened mail. This was not good. Instead of losing her mind she grabbed her headphones, pulled her hair into a pony tail and went for a run downtown. On her run she passed many beggars on the street. Not knowing in the coming days this would be her. Not knowing she would be considered a prostitute by her own family. Not knowing any of this she ran. She ran so hard and fast. Sweat pouring down her face she imagining running from all the things stressing her out, her finances, her lack of stability, her on going mental health issues, her lack of resources and a support system, and finally her lack of love. She had never ran so hard in her life. When she made it back to her apartment there was a pleasant surprise waiting there for her. It was Sam. Sam was the guy she was seeing. He was a broker on wall street. They weren’t serious but that didn’t mean they didn’t like each other or respect each other. No one even said they didn’t have love for each other. They were just both at time in each others lives where a relationship didn’t fit. Sam always made Charlotte happy.
“How was your day” Sam asked as Charlotte got her keys from her shoelace.
“Fine I guess”, Even though she really wanted to say “it was awful, terrible, the cat freaking lost me my job probably but other than that I’m just great.”
You see Sam and Charlotte had only been together a couple of weeks so she didn’t feel exactly comfortable telling him EVERYTHING just yet.
“You look exhausted” Sam said as he caressed the charlottes lower back.
“YOU have NO idea” She exclaimed as they walked up the stairs to her apartment.
Before the key was in the lock they were in an embrace that not even nature itself could break. When the door opened Sam began to take Charlottes clothes off piece by piece and place in her dirty clothes hamper. He ran the shower for her. Once she was in the shower Sam decided to join her. Once he was in the shower with her their bodies became a blur of one through the fogged over glass shower door.
The real reason I’m leaving FL is really so complicated. The last words DPL said to me was “Giving up got you to where you are now”. Was he talking about Pensacola? Was he talking about the little ghetto I live in. My neighbors are actually really nice. What was he referring to. That statement has eaten away at me since I moved here in February and I guess thats when I started to not be myself at work and things started to fail for me at work. When things start going downhill at your job its never good and I was doing soooo well. Sooo so well. It was totally my thing. I was great at it. I let one phrase haunt me. And I think it was meant to do that. I don’t know. I’ll never know because he has since cut off all communication with me. Was he referring to my life in general? Was he saying my life now sucked? What was he getting at? I still had some brief hope for LOVE between us because there was so much history between us and I always envisioned being with him the rest of my life. So I stayed in FL. There were a couple of MINOR/MAJOR reasons too I stayed. My doctors were here. But now that I know there is no hope for me and DPL and no hope for me at a job I loved sooo sooo very much I am going back to where it all started. Columbus MS. Not everyone knows my story. This is where you’ll hear my story. One day I’ll compile it into a book with the help of an editor. But for now it is a blog. A blog about writing whatever I feel is relevant at the time in my life. Right now figuring out WHY I am leaving is relevant. Am I running away?
Me and one of my best friends tried to get down to the root of why things broke down at my job but I left out the haunting phrase my ex left with me with because it wasn’t until this morning it hit me how relevant that was to me. I will however always find people in the work environment that don’t like me and maybe even choose to make fun of me. Some people never grow up. I need to take that like the strong woman I am and not let it get to me like I did. But little did these co workers know I had soooo much more going on. And I can’t fault that for that. I also need to stop talking things so personal. Not everything is a personal shot. Also we know there will be douche bags everywhere you go. The thing is I’m choosing not to date when I go to Columbus. Like AT ALL. NO ONE. NOT EVEN MY CELEBRITY CRUSH. I will be single for a year. I’m old I know. Its probably not the wisest choice since I do want kids and a family one day should that be the path God has for me but ya know, maybe its not. And thats okay. I’m okay with that.
This song is my legit anthem right now. Its my song. Bebe Rexha gets me. I have been STUCK these past couple of days. I didn’t help the homeless. I didn’t do anything good but go to confession. Which I don’t think the penance fits the crime but that isn’t for me to decide. I will do my penance times three. I have done so much to hurt people that obviously people hate me enough to not even want to say good bye to me. My going away party was last night and not one soul from work showed up. Not one single soul cared enough to show up. Does it hurt, hell yes it hurts worse than a fire ant sting, but did I expect it, yes. Why, because I feel like I deserve it. I deserve pain somehow and for some reason. I am very depressed right now and I have been since Friday morning. I think because I knew that no one was going to show up. I legit had a break down in front of the friends that did come. It wasn’t many but I let it ruin part of my night and obviously my Saturday. I loaded nothing for LuLaRoe which I could have made money on because I was depressed. I was sleepy so I slept. I wanted to pack so I packed. Then I slept. I cried because I wanted to. Then I slept some more then cleaned my house for a party that never happened and then it didn’t and today has been sort of the same. I did post in my VIP group and go to church so that has to count for something. And I’m still packing and cleaning. I’m just doing nothing for myself thats going to help get myself out of the hole I’m in because for some reason I feel like I deserve to be in this hole and that someone should just bury me. I can only say I’m sorry so much.
I have so many things my heart wants to say to so many people right now its overwhelming to have the damn thing in my chest right now. There is nothing I can do and I have to live with that. I have to use “coping” skills because apparently this is just life. And I need to “suck it up”. Even Professor Lupin has been acting Warewolfish. Which is to be expected of course. WE ALL KNOW HARRY COULD NEVER KEEP A DARK ARTS TEACHER LOLOLOL and I guess that stands true for me as well. Nor do I know if I want one to be honest.
I pray daily, moment to moment now actually that I make it to Columbus. Right now I don’t have the funds and I have no idea where to get the funds but something has to happen for me good right. I have put SOME GOOD out there. And with a box of jewelry just gone and all that I’ve been through you would imagine a miracle could happen just this once. I picture myself in my sisters rental. Walking in with the keys and unpacking all my stuff. I imagine hanging things on the wall and my cats getting settled in. I can picture it all and it makes me so happy I could cry because I just don’t know how I’m going to get there. I tremble with fear knowing I have to get my stuff out of this house by next weekend come hell or high water and I have no idea where I’m going to be. The streets? Columbus? A friends? Where will I end up? A great writer must live a great adventure but dang I wasn’t expecting this…..
I’m taking a break from my story line of my homeless missionary to talk about “the cool kids” something I’ve never been. Something I’ve fought to be my whole life and I don’t know why. I’m obsessed with being a “cool kid” and well, guys, its just never going to happen. Its like in the movie “The Invention of lying” I could be famous and a millionaire and I’m still going to be labeled a “loser”. Its the way of the world. I’m hot but thats about it. I’m smart but I’m nerdy and I’m awkward. For crying out loud I walked down palofax carrying a comforter to a homeless dude, cool kids don’t do that. They just don’t. I am a 4 on the enneagram which is the “individualist” which means my personality type won’t allow me to conform to society or its really hard for me. I am trying to do whats right in my heart right now. I left my job because it was the right thing to do. I didn’t fit in at my job because I am not a cool kid and I let it really really get to me and yea things can get to a harassment level pretty quick. And when harassment happens it can cause us to hold grudges or act subconsciously in a way we normally wouldn’t act. I said things I should not have said. I hurt people I can’t take back. And I have to live with that. Will they think the same about the things they said to me that hurt, I don’t know.
You will meet people who will love you just the way you are. Those are your people. Your tribe. The ones you can count on. The ones who love you without question, who will FORGIVE you when you mess up. Those are real friends. The rest, well they don’t matter do they? You matter. So take care of you and remove the people that don’t care so you can make room for the people that do. I have a going away party tonight and I know that people will be there, not many but the people that matter.